- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Adoption
biological siblings
I married my birthson's birthfather and we now have a daughter so my birthson now has a biological sister. I always knew that I would be honest and open with my future children about who my birthson is. She will grow up knowing that he is her brother and we will teach her about adoption, but I do have some questions.
What does she call my birthson's parents? Any aparents called Aunt/Uncle by bio sibs of your child? or just by first names? I'm going to ask my birthson's parents which they prefer, but I was curious what others were doing.
I was thinking I would just wait till she asks why her brother doesn't live with us like her peer's brothers do and then explain, but how do I explain? I keep on thinking of all these different explanations, but I can't seem to figure out how to explain it well to a child that I can be a Mommy now, but couldn't then. My niece and nephew have grown up knowing that my birthson grew in my belly and they refer to him as my DD's brother, but thankfully they have not asked any questions. He is their cousin and it's as simple as that to them, but i'm afraid it won't be for my DD. I know i'm thinking way ahead here, but every time I blink this girl is growing in leaps and bounds and I don't want to be caught unprepared and we have a visit coming up so I can't stop thinking about it right now.
And any suggestions on kid's story books about open adoption that would help her understand adoption and why we chose adoption for her brother? I have the book Pugnose Has Two Special Families by: Karis Kruzel. It is very cute. All the books are from the perspective of a chid that is adopted. I'm guessing i'm not going to find one in the perspective of a birth family or a child of birthparents.... hoping there might be a book though that might be a little more relatable for her. Or at least some that are really good at explaining open adoption and birthparent's decisions through a cute story.
Any input and suggestions are greatly appreciated. TIA
This discussion has been closed.
Re: biological siblings
I don't have any experience with this, or know of any books, but I think it's great that you are already thinking about how to talk about this. I think it's a good idea to ask the adoptive parents if they have a preference on what they'd like to be called, and I love PPs story and how close she is to her sister now.
I think if you are open from the very beginning your daughter will always know this as what is normal for her family.
Thanks y'all!
And Toothpastechica, Thank you for sharing your story! Very helpful to hear.
I'm adopted, I've always known I was adopted. It was an open adoption. When I was a child my mother explained that she couldn't grow me in her belly so somebody else did. As I got older the situation was explained in better detail. But she kept it simple when I was little. She was always willing to answer my questions. She even had little 'adoption papers' for people to sign when I had to give away the kittens my cat had. The only thing she didn't anticipate was the shock to my system when I learned that 'adopted' also meant Dad wasn't my biological Dad.
My 3 sisters are not adopted (2 are from Dads first marriage, the 3rd was a total miracle and surprise that Mom had her). They have always been and always will be my sisters. The children my biological parents went of to have are also my sisters and brother, but I refer to them by name or as my biological half-sibling. My biological parents, grandparents and every one else have always been referred to their names.
I was raised and loved by a Mom, Dad and a fantastic set of Grandparents. I have no doubt that my biological parents love me and I have a relationship with them, but they will never be Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa.
My sisters, the non-biological ones, also refer to my biologal family members by their first names.
Hope that helps :-)
Thanks for sharing your story! And that is so awesome your mom did the adoption papers for the kittens. What a sweet story.
My main concern is the explanation of "I couldn't then, but can now." The idea that situations, maturity and finances change was seeming to me to be more complicated for a child to understand than the black and white - cannot parent/ can parent. Thankfully my birthson is old enough now to understand why I am able to parent this baby and wasn't him. I was not worried about him questioning that and he was happy to hear the news about us expecting his bio sister. And his parents, just as yours, have always done a wonderful job of being open and honest with him and answering all his questions, but since he has grown up with visits and known from the start, he hasn't really had a lot of questions.
I think where you said your parents kept it simple is the answer right there. After reading everyone's responses and talking with my husband, I think I just need to keep it real simple. I have been analyzing how I would explain "I couldn't be a Mommy, but now I can and here are all the reasons..." And instead I need to just keep it very simple "We were young. We couldn't be parents at the time even though we really wanted to be. We found wonderful parents for him. When we found out you were going to arrive it was many years later, we were older and we were very ready by then" Something like that. I guess I was afraid it was such a hard concept to grasp so I was coming up with so many explanations, but I was forgetting that as a LO she probably is not going to be putting much thought into it and by the time she is, I can explain more.
Sorry for blabbing on and writing a novel.
And thank you to everyone who has responded. I'm feeling much more prepared now.