I had a sort of personal revelation today

CaptainSerious · October 2012

As I mentioned in the mom's check-in post below, I've been really struggling with the dawning realization that M may have fetal alcohol spectrum disorder and may turn out to be more limited in life than we expected. It's been really hard to shift our thinking and open ourselves to the possibility that M's path to independence as an adult will likely be a significant struggle and may never be realized.

This is especially hard for us, because although we adopted specifically to "give a family to child who might otherwise not get that chance" and were therefore open to all sorts of special needs, we specifically decided that we didn't feel it was right (for us) to adopt a child that could not achieve self-sufficiency as an adult. This decision was very hard for each of us, mainly because we were both inclined to adopt a child with Downs Syndrome for a variety of reasons. Still, we felt strongly that we were making the decision to adopt a child with special needs, and that we couldn't set up a situation in which someone else would have to assume responsibility for that child after our deaths or if we were somehow incapacitated and unable to provide adequate care. We felt it wouldn't be fair to any other siblings or family members who didn't actively make that choice if they suddenly had to assume care. I know this reasoning won't resonate with everybody and that it is a harsh way of looking at the situation, but when faced with a list of "situations" and having to draw a line somewhere in the sand, that's the best we could do.

I am, in many ways, in a mourning phase as I prepare myself to accept whatever comes our way. My number one concern is how M will make his way in the world as he ages and his differences become more prominent. I fear for what his future might hold, as persons with FASD are at much higher risk for early sexual experimentation, unemployment, commitment/hospitalization, incarceration, and of course, alcoholism/drug abuse. We don't know how severe M's symptoms may be, but are starting to let ourselves accept that we have a lot more to focus on than we thought with a mere learning disability, and I am allowing myself to consider the possibilities and how we can best prepare for them. It's been really hard, and I've been in a really difficult state.

Today, though, I realized something. I've stated here many times that I believe God led us to M. He was not within the parameters of the type of child we expected to adopt, but we believe we were led to pursue his adoption (if you want to know that story, I can post it), and once he joined our family, it became evident that he was meant to be with us. I always used to think that adoptive parents just said that, but no one could really know, but it is obvious to us there there is no other way this was meant to work from the beginning. M was meant to join our family. And that's when it clicked! God chose us to be M's parents because he knew we could handle this, advocate for him, and give him the support and guidance he needs. We wanted to help a child that might not otherwise get that kind of help, and that's exactly what God did by leading us to M and allowing us to be his parents. It's more than we thought we could handle, and it's definitely not what we thought we were planning, but God knew our hearts, our sincere desire to help a child in need without anyone to lift him up, and gave us just that.

So, even though I will allow myself to mourn the loss of the future we imagined for M, I will celebrate in the miracle that allowed us to parent this incredible and brave child and put us in the position to be able to fight for him and support him and raise him up to his greatest potential. I know it will be a difficult, but it's the farthest thing from a curse. I always knew we were all blessed to have one another, but I never imagined just how greatly. God is good, and truly does work in the most mysterious ways.

Blsd4given · October 2012

I'm sorry that you are mourning the loss of "what might have been"... So many plans that are washed away. But isn't that just how God works sometimes? Smile Reading you embrace "what could be" with such determination and heart... That makes my heart smile. M is so blessed to have you and YH as his parents. Fantastic post!

PS: I'm one of the people that would like to read the "what lead to M's adoption" story. Smile

Rachel Sonnier · October 2012

Your post truly spoke to me. I really needed to read this today :-)

I hope that things evolve beautifully for your family, in whatever manner God means for them to. I am sure that M is as beautiful and amazing to you as my son is to me, and even if things don't work out the way we had planned, God has a way of giving us a story even better than the one we imagined for ourselves. Keep us posted, and good luck with everything!

MrsMcC.10409 · October 2012

How wonderful it is to know that God personally had a hand in your lives, and that your hearts were open enough to let him lead you. Though I don't know you personally, i am joyous to hear that His plan is being fulfilled. You're a stronger, braver, and more gracious woman than most, and definitely moreso than me. All the best of blessings as you endeavor to be the instrument of God's love and grace to M.

CaptainSerious · October 2012

Thank you all. Your keeping us in your thoughts and prayers is really precious to me.

Rachel Sonnier:

Your post truly spoke to me. I really needed to read this today :-)

I hope that things evolve beautifully for your family, in whatever manner God means for them to. I am sure that M is as beautiful and amazing to you as my son is to me, and even if things don't work out the way we had planned, God has a way of giving us a story even better than the one we imagined for ourselves. Keep us posted, and good luck with everything!

I'm not sure what you are facing, Rachel, but just as my post spoke to you, your's did to me. M is the most amazing gift (right alongside J) I have ever received, and I will never be able to extol all his virtues in my words. I am so unbelievable happy to be his mom, and I can't wait to see what life has in store for all of us!

CaptainSerious · October 2012

I?ve posted this here before. It's the story of why my husband and I believe we were given very clears signs about our adoption path. Since it's forever long, I've bolded the start of the paragraphs which are most relevant:

There is no doubt in either of our minds that God chose us to be a family, and led us to find one another. A long string of improbable events, that began decades before I met my husband, set us on the path to finding, recognizing, and loving both M and J as our sons. Remarkably, He planted the seeds and desire to adopt separately in each of our hearts at an early age. Years later, I learned about Medjugorje, and how people who went there often claimed to be touched by miracles of faith. I was intrigued, and thought that it would be interesting to travel there.

When we decided to marry, we agreed to one day adopt a child as a way of sharing our blessings. But before we were ready for children, we travelled much of the world. One of our trips took us to Medjugorje, a place we never planned to visit, but was too close for us not to satisfy our curiosity. We both left feeling that there truly is something special about the place, but not being able to pinpoint what it was.

Years later, while we were bogged down in the quagmire of an extremely long and arduous adoption process, we were reviewing a list of children awaiting families when we drove past an unremarkable billboard on the way home from Vermont that announced ?The Time Is Now.? There really was nothing notable about the sign, but it stood out to my husband because it listed a phone number with his home-state?s area code. We agreed to check it out the next time we drove past, and returned to the heartbreaking process of selecting children from the list, whose files we?d request from the agency. We would select our child on the bases of what was contained in those files, and knew that every child we did not select remained a child without a family, home, love, and opportunities.

That night, we decided to request M?s file, even though he was older than we thought we should adopt and was listed as having a congenital heart defect requiring surgery. We knew that the most common congenital heart defects could be corrected by surgery, and we were hopeful that the child could have a good prognosis if his heart was repaired. Nonetheless, it was scary, because, for the first time, we were agreeing to seriously consider a child that was outside the parameters we originally agreed we could effectively parent.

We requested M?s file, and began to wade through the many Spanish pages. We set up a medical evaluation of the file, and we started gathering information about M?s life. With everything we learned, we felt more and more compelled to ask permission to make him our son. The next time we drove by the billboard, we noted the website it listed. We were completely befuddled when the cryptic web address directed us to an entire site about Medjugorje. Whatever the connection, my husband was convinced right there and then that God chose M as our son.

You could say all this was just coincidence, or even entirely unrelated. You could say that the only reason we saw a connection is because we were looking so intently for a sign (Funny how it came in the form of a billboard, though, isn?t it?). In fact, despite the weird butterflies in my stomach, I probably wouldn?t even argue with you, if it wasn?t for everything that happened while we were in Peru.

We knew that M had suffered a failed adoption right after his heart condition was found, and that the reasons the family gave seemed suspect. As a result, he was no longer living in his hometown, but in Lima, where that first adoption would have been finalized. We wanted to learn as much about him as possible, and decided to travel to his hometown and speak with his previous caregivers there. We made the trip on June 24th, a date we always celebrate as Half Christmas Eve, and were blessed to spend a couple of hours talking with the social worker, the orphanage director, and his wife.

The social worker told us that she was so happy to see us, because after M?s failed previous adoption, she was so worried that it would be difficult for him to find a home. She was clearly choked up and overcome with emotion, and it was clear how much she cared for him. As our conversation progressed, she told us that she had a wonderful feeling about us and that she was certain that we were the right parents for M. It was clear she felt bad for the failed adoption, and wished she could have erased that pain from ever happening to him. It was at that moment it was clear that this woman was an angel from God, who had been looking after our son all these years, and who was personally stung by the hurt he endured.

The director, and his wife, who seemed to act as his right-hand, were so forthcoming, it really made us see that they just wanted the best for M, including his integration into a family. What really caught us off-guard was when he begun to tell us detailed stories about M. He got all animated, and you could see how much he adored M. When the language barrier came up, the director said, ?It would be better if you spoke some Spanish. But you don?t. But you do speak another language, and that language is more powerful than any other, and M understands it. You will speak to him through the language of love. It is clear you know that language.?

Before we left, we received the best Half Christmas gift ever. They had some school papers that M had done, and let us have them. Among them was a Christmas card, made out to his parents.

When we were done, we visited a nearby church where they told us M was baptized. We sat inside and prayed. It was then that everything suddenly became crystal clear to me. When we started this adoption, we did so because we each felt compelled to. When we found M, we were drawn to him, even though he was not the relatively healthy toddler we were expecting. But that day in his hometown, it became clear, in a way that we could never explain to anyone who hasn?t experienced it, that God orchestrated all the parts and moved all the pieces, and delayed all the paperwork, and prepared our hearts, because he choose us and M to be a family. God had known all along that our child was M, and took us each on our own individual path to prepare us for his revelation.

There is no doubt in either of our hearts or minds that our adoption of M was divinely inspired and God?s miracle in our lives.

But that wasn?t where our miracle ended. While we were in Peru, we saw all the children in M? orphanage, and the many more living on the streets. We couldn?t wrap our heads around why any of these children wouldn?t be immediately adopted. What seemed so scary on paper melted away in reality, and we were completely surrounded by wonderful, curious children with so much love to share.

We were drawn to so many of them, and our hearts ached knowing that we could only really take one of them home. We got to know beautiful, strong, sweet girls, shy and timid children, toddlers so full of curiosity, boys just waiting for a chance to shine. They shared so much love, and it was such a bittersweet time, knowing that we would have to leave them behind.

So, once we were all home from Peru and adjusting to our new life within a family of three, we just couldn?t rest. We were blissful, growing together, and loving one another. M brightened each day. It was amazing to watch him experience things for the first time and the music of his sweet giggle lightened our souls. We were truly happy with our new family?and yet, we felt like there was something missing. Someone missing, to be more precise.

This isn?t to say that just my husband and I wanted another child. It?s that we all longed for another. M had always been one of many, and he longed for the companionship of his ?siblings? at the orphanage. My husband and I just remembered the faces and chatter and promise of the children they left behind, and knew we had to adopt again.

The children of M?s orphanage have never left us, and we were particularly mindful of them throughout the Christmas holidays. We sent them and their caregivers gifts, but really longed to do much, much more. They were always on our minds. And while they were all constants, there was one little boy in particular that had an exceptionally strong hold.

J was three years old when we met him, and he was one of the cutest, most curious little guys we?d ever met. He charmed us, and we both agreed that, had we not been led to M, he was just the type of child we initially thought we would adopt. While we were still in Peru, we found him on the list of children, and were reminded that his medical diagnosis made us shy away from requesting his file. In person, it was hard to believe that the adorable, little boy could possibly have any condition that would prevent him from being an excellent addition to any family.

We talked about him often after our return and about how he seemed perfect in real life, but sadly, many families would be deterred by his diagnosis, as we were. We talked about how we could love him. We talked about how he could fit into our family. We talked and talked and talked.

And so, in early January, after the best Christmas season of our lives, we decided to begin all over again. We basically went through all the steps backwards, by finding the child we hoped to adopt before even applying to the agency. We were saddened to learn that we?d have to meet all of the requirements and go through all of the steps again, but heartened to discover that they would go much quicker the second time around. We?ve been able to anticipate and prepare for each next step, and we sent our paperwork to Peru in just over six months, on the first anniversary of M? adoption.

And then we waited. We had always been told that Peru prioritized petitions to adopt waiting children, and we expected an answer within a month or two. But month after month went by, and nothing happened. The orphanage director expressed her support our petition, but she wouldn?t be allowed to make the decision. So we continued to wait and the anxiety grew. And then, they told us they needed even more information before they could approve us to adopt. We were stunned, since we had provided everything they asked for and they knew M was thriving in our family. As we thought of all the children who needed homes, and all the children on the street who could fill their spots in the orphanages, anger and despair crept in.

We had been hoping to hear in time so that we could travel to Peru in November, a month when M had a lot of time off school But the months came and went, and we were very discouraged. By the end of November, it became apparent that J wouldn?t be home with us for Christmas.

Then, on November 22nd, I was driving to work and passed one of those electronic billboards which flip through multiple ads. It was yellow, and caught my eye. I looked up to see a picture of Mary, with the words, ?This is me.? The website listed, was the same as we saw the night we agreed to request M?s file! I was immediately hopeful, but had to concentrate on the two highways now merging. Suddenly in front of me was a white pick-up truck with an orange canopy, bearing the word ?SIGNS? in huge, white block-letters, where I couldn?t miss them. In fact, the entire truck was covered in the word ?SIGNS.?

Weeks passed, a matching session was held, and we were still not approved. The Peruvian authorities announced that any matches made in December would not be revealed until January. And so, we were certain that we would not know if J would join our family until the new year. We did our best to put it out of our minds and enjoy the holidays.

Even though I was still kind of looking for the sign each morning, I didn?t see it again until December 9th. This time, the sign said, ?This is my time,? followed by the web address. There was no ?SIGNS? truck, and I?ve not seen the billboard again.

Five days later, we received notice that we had been approved to adopt. The approval notice was dated December 9th! The same day that I last saw the sign, the very one that said, ?This is my time!?

On December 28th, we received the call from our agency telling us that J would be our son. It didn?t matter that the Peruvian authorities had said the results wouldn?t be made public, they still let our agency representative know that we were matched. And so, I can?t help but believe that I really did receive a message through the billboards, not only leading us to our specific children, but also letting us know of God?s timing.

MayDayGirl · October 2012

This is a amazing. Thank you for sharing.

Rachel Sonnier · October 2012

CaptainSerious:
I?ve posted this here before. It's the story of why my husband and I believe we were given very clears signs about our adoption path. Since it's forever long, I've bolded the start of the paragraphs which are most relevant:

There is no doubt in either of our minds that God chose us to be a family, and led us to find one another. A long string of improbable events, that began decades before I met my husband, set us on the path to finding, recognizing, and loving both M and J as our sons. Remarkably, He planted the seeds and desire to adopt separately in each of our hearts at an early age. Years later, I learned about Medjugorje, and how people who went there often claimed to be touched by miracles of faith. I was intrigued, and thought that it would be interesting to travel there.

When we decided to marry, we agreed to one day adopt a child as a way of sharing our blessings. But before we were ready for children, we travelled much of the world. One of our trips took us to Medjugorje, a place we never planned to visit, but was too close for us not to satisfy our curiosity. We both left feeling that there truly is something special about the place, but not being able to pinpoint what it was.

Years later, while we were bogged down in the quagmire of an extremely long and arduous adoption process, we were reviewing a list of children awaiting families when we drove past an unremarkable billboard on the way home from Vermont that announced ?The Time Is Now.? There really was nothing notable about the sign, but it stood out to my husband because it listed a phone number with his home-state?s area code. We agreed to check it out the next time we drove past, and returned to the heartbreaking process of selecting children from the list, whose files we?d request from the agency. We would select our child on the bases of what was contained in those files, and knew that every child we did not select remained a child without a family, home, love, and opportunities.

That night, we decided to request M?s file, even though he was older than we thought we should adopt and was listed as having a congenital heart defect requiring surgery. We knew that the most common congenital heart defects could be corrected by surgery, and we were hopeful that the child could have a good prognosis if his heart was repaired. Nonetheless, it was scary, because, for the first time, we were agreeing to seriously consider a child that was outside the parameters we originally agreed we could effectively parent.

We requested M?s file, and began to wade through the many Spanish pages. We set up a medical evaluation of the file, and we started gathering information about M?s life. With everything we learned, we felt more and more compelled to ask permission to make him our son. The next time we drove by the billboard, we noted the website it listed. We were completely befuddled when the cryptic web address directed us to an entire site about Medjugorje. Whatever the connection, my husband was convinced right there and then that God chose M as our son.

You could say all this was just coincidence, or even entirely unrelated. You could say that the only reason we saw a connection is because we were looking so intently for a sign (Funny how it came in the form of a billboard, though, isn?t it?). In fact, despite the weird butterflies in my stomach, I probably wouldn?t even argue with you, if it wasn?t for everything that happened while we were in Peru.

We knew that M had suffered a failed adoption right after his heart condition was found, and that the reasons the family gave seemed suspect. As a result, he was no longer living in his hometown, but in Lima, where that first adoption would have been finalized. We wanted to learn as much about him as possible, and decided to travel to his hometown and speak with his previous caregivers there. We made the trip on June 24th, a date we always celebrate as Half Christmas Eve, and were blessed to spend a couple of hours talking with the social worker, the orphanage director, and his wife.

The social worker told us that she was so happy to see us, because after M?s failed previous adoption, she was so worried that it would be difficult for him to find a home. She was clearly choked up and overcome with emotion, and it was clear how much she cared for him. As our conversation progressed, she told us that she had a wonderful feeling about us and that she was certain that we were the right parents for M. It was clear she felt bad for the failed adoption, and wished she could have erased that pain from ever happening to him. It was at that moment it was clear that this woman was an angel from God, who had been looking after our son all these years, and who was personally stung by the hurt he endured.

The director, and his wife, who seemed to act as his right-hand, were so forthcoming, it really made us see that they just wanted the best for M, including his integration into a family. What really caught us off-guard was when he begun to tell us detailed stories about M. He got all animated, and you could see how much he adored M. When the language barrier came up, the director said, ?It would be better if you spoke some Spanish. But you don?t. But you do speak another language, and that language is more powerful than any other, and M understands it. You will speak to him through the language of love. It is clear you know that language.?

Before we left, we received the best Half Christmas gift ever. They had some school papers that M had done, and let us have them. Among them was a Christmas card, made out to his parents.

When we were done, we visited a nearby church where they told us M was baptized. We sat inside and prayed. It was then that everything suddenly became crystal clear to me. When we started this adoption, we did so because we each felt compelled to. When we found M, we were drawn to him, even though he was not the relatively healthy toddler we were expecting. But that day in his hometown, it became clear, in a way that we could never explain to anyone who hasn?t experienced it, that God orchestrated all the parts and moved all the pieces, and delayed all the paperwork, and prepared our hearts, because he choose us and M to be a family. God had known all along that our child was M, and took us each on our own individual path to prepare us for his revelation.

There is no doubt in either of our hearts or minds that our adoption of M was divinely inspired and God?s miracle in our lives.

But that wasn?t where our miracle ended. While we were in Peru, we saw all the children in M? orphanage, and the many more living on the streets. We couldn?t wrap our heads around why any of these children wouldn?t be immediately adopted. What seemed so scary on paper melted away in reality, and we were completely surrounded by wonderful, curious children with so much love to share.

We were drawn to so many of them, and our hearts ached knowing that we could only really take one of them home. We got to know beautiful, strong, sweet girls, shy and timid children, toddlers so full of curiosity, boys just waiting for a chance to shine. They shared so much love, and it was such a bittersweet time, knowing that we would have to leave them behind.

So, once we were all home from Peru and adjusting to our new life within a family of three, we just couldn?t rest. We were blissful, growing together, and loving one another. M brightened each day. It was amazing to watch him experience things for the first time and the music of his sweet giggle lightened our souls. We were truly happy with our new family?and yet, we felt like there was something missing. Someone missing, to be more precise.

This isn?t to say that just my husband and I wanted another child. It?s that we all longed for another. M had always been one of many, and he longed for the companionship of his ?siblings? at the orphanage. My husband and I just remembered the faces and chatter and promise of the children they left behind, and knew we had to adopt again.

The children of M?s orphanage have never left us, and we were particularly mindful of them throughout the Christmas holidays. We sent them and their caregivers gifts, but really longed to do much, much more. They were always on our minds. And while they were all constants, there was one little boy in particular that had an exceptionally strong hold.

J was three years old when we met him, and he was one of the cutest, most curious little guys we?d ever met. He charmed us, and we both agreed that, had we not been led to M, he was just the type of child we initially thought we would adopt. While we were still in Peru, we found him on the list of children, and were reminded that his medical diagnosis made us shy away from requesting his file. In person, it was hard to believe that the adorable, little boy could possibly have any condition that would prevent him from being an excellent addition to any family.

We talked about him often after our return and about how he seemed perfect in real life, but sadly, many families would be deterred by his diagnosis, as we were. We talked about how we could love him. We talked about how he could fit into our family. We talked and talked and talked.

And so, in early January, after the best Christmas season of our lives, we decided to begin all over again. We basically went through all the steps backwards, by finding the child we hoped to adopt before even applying to the agency. We were saddened to learn that we?d have to meet all of the requirements and go through all of the steps again, but heartened to discover that they would go much quicker the second time around. We?ve been able to anticipate and prepare for each next step, and we sent our paperwork to Peru in just over six months, on the first anniversary of M? adoption.

And then we waited. We had always been told that Peru prioritized petitions to adopt waiting children, and we expected an answer within a month or two. But month after month went by, and nothing happened. The orphanage director expressed her support our petition, but she wouldn?t be allowed to make the decision. So we continued to wait and the anxiety grew. And then, they told us they needed even more information before they could approve us to adopt. We were stunned, since we had provided everything they asked for and they knew M was thriving in our family. As we thought of all the children who needed homes, and all the children on the street who could fill their spots in the orphanages, anger and despair crept in.

We had been hoping to hear in time so that we could travel to Peru in November, a month when M had a lot of time off school But the months came and went, and we were very discouraged. By the end of November, it became apparent that J wouldn?t be home with us for Christmas.

Then, on November 22nd, I was driving to work and passed one of those electronic billboards which flip through multiple ads. It was yellow, and caught my eye. I looked up to see a picture of Mary, with the words, ?This is me.? The website listed, was the same as we saw the night we agreed to request M?s file! I was immediately hopeful, but had to concentrate on the two highways now merging. Suddenly in front of me was a white pick-up truck with an orange canopy, bearing the word ?SIGNS? in huge, white block-letters, where I couldn?t miss them. In fact, the entire truck was covered in the word ?SIGNS.?

Weeks passed, a matching session was held, and we were still not approved. The Peruvian authorities announced that any matches made in December would not be revealed until January. And so, we were certain that we would not know if J would join our family until the new year. We did our best to put it out of our minds and enjoy the holidays.

Even though I was still kind of looking for the sign each morning, I didn?t see it again until December 9th. This time, the sign said, ?This is my time,? followed by the web address. There was no ?SIGNS? truck, and I?ve not seen the billboard again.

Five days later, we received notice that we had been approved to adopt. The approval notice was dated December 9th! The same day that I last saw the sign, the very one that said, ?This is my time!?

On December 28th, we received the call from our agency telling us that J would be our son. It didn?t matter that the Peruvian authorities had said the results wouldn?t be made public, they still let our agency representative know that we were matched. And so, I can?t help but believe that I really did receive a message through the billboards, not only leading us to our specific children, but also letting us know of God?s timing.

Wow! What an amazing story! Thanks for sharing with us :-)

jillianmb · October 2012

Wow the story of M's adoption is just amazing and I'm so glad you can take comfort in knowing is adoption was divinely led. I can only imagine the feelings you are experiencing now and I have so much admiration for how you are handling it. It is right to grieve and it is also right to trust that God will give you what you stand in need of to parent M. While he may not live independently, he will still have a purpose and a way to fulfill it. I pray God leads your family to discover M's gifts and talents and to delight in making good use of them, whatever they may be.

I have to share that I used to look at people with diagnoses like autism or down syndrome as if their diagnoses were so tragic, but in the past few years I have become good friends with a lady who (with her husband) adopted a son with DS. Knowing this little boy has changed the way I look at people. He brings such passion and delight to those in his life and he also teaches us great patience and humility. Every life is precious and meaningful and it was so wrong of me to look at his life like a tragedy just because he will not achieve the things a typical person can.

I know you and your husband will guide M as he finds his purpose in life. And it is a blessing to see that you are finding your purpose in M. Thank you for sharing your story with us; I am deeply moved by it.

DaisyZH · October 2012

What an incredible, touching adoption story!! M and J truly have the most amazing parents, and while I am sorry that you have to grieve a little for the future you had pictured, your attitude and love is so strong and you were truly meant to be their Mother.

Also, I've read your posts regarding working with the school on all of these issues and you are a warrior for your kids which is so admirable and awesome. God bless you and your family!!

silliestbunny · October 2012

Beautifully written... and so right on.

Looking in, I would have said the same thing to you... but you needed to come to this realization yourself. You are meant to be M's mom. You have the ability and resourced for him to have the best and right life he was meant to live.

The fact you are already hyper-sensitive to areas that represent potential risks for him, you are already acting like the mom he needs.

CaptainSerious · October 2012

Thanks, everyone.

I just wanted to respond to those of you who mentioned not holding M back. That's something that's very much on our minds. In fact, we seriously considered not pursuing the evaluation because we didn't want to limit M or assume he can't handle things that we would otherwise push for him to achieve. In the end, though, we decided that knowledge is power, and the more we know and understand about his condition, the better we can help him.

Just in the last few days, I've read a lot about FASD can affect those who have it and how best to parent children exhibiting certain common characteristics that M does. It's freeing to know that he may not be willfully choosing these behaviors and to learn techniques to help him avoid them. As I read, I see a lot of commonalities, but also a lot of symptoms he doesn't have; that helps me realize that he's possibly extremely high-functioning and/or can overcome a lot of things that will initially be difficult. The more I learn about this, the more confident I become in our ability to not set him up to fail by parenting him in a typical manner, but to provide him tools that will make him successful in the world as he grows.

So while we are accepting that there will likely be more limitations than we initially imagined, this information will not limit us, but I believe it will make us more compassionate parents with more means to help him maximize his potential. I will not let us pigeonhole him. My son was born for greatness, but it's just a different kind of greatness than I imagined. I am now dying to know what his future will hold.

srmmm09 · October 2012

I love your story, Captain, and I love it more every time you speak it. So beautiful!

msditz00 · October 2012

I understand where you are coming from, and agree with the others - it takes time to grieve for the future you imagined, and you should take all the time you need. But you are the perfect mother for both of these boys, and I am so glad that you can see that.

Best of luck with everything, and I look forward to hearing about your story as it unfolds. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

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