What say ye, O Bumpies? /VENT LONG

startingover10423 · October 2012

I have a girl (L) that stays with us (she's 17). I already had a babysitter for Bug. She needed to get out of a bad home situation, so I took her in. I told her she has to be available to babysit when I need her in exchange for room and board. I told her the ground rules...no messing around with guys in our apartment, she needs to ask if friends want to come over or stay the night, and lastly, DON'T SCREW ME OVER. So...last night. I went out with DH, and we got home around 8pm. She was getting Bug out of the tub. She hadn't fed him supper yet. When she got him dressed, DH and I fed him supper. She asked if this guy could come over. I told her fine, but she knows the rules. Just as I got Bug to sleep, she comes in with this guy (she had to go pick him up). I stayed in Bug's room just long enough to make sure he would stay asleep. I come out into the living room and DH is sitting in his recliner looking pissed while L and this guy are on the couch. He's got his hands up the back of her shirt rubbing her back. I asked when she's taking him home after sitting there watching this for like half an hour. She said that he would be walking home. A while later, she asked if N (a girl friend of hers) could stay the night. I said no, it's already 10pm. She gets all pissy and says she will go to stay the night at N's. I told her fine, but she would have to be back by 8am, since I worked today. She got really pissy then. You know, "Fine, whatever!" I said forget it. She could stay at her friends, but E would be watching Bug until either DH or I could pick him up. If she can't watch him when I need him, then she's not watching him whenever she feels it's convenient for her. So...I texted her after she stormed out and said that it was disrespectful to have that guy up her shirt when that goes against my rules. The attitude has to stop, and that we would be having a chat when I got home. She texted me back, "I didn't exactly know he was going to put his hands up my shirt, and I am not giving you attitude." I replied that she didn't exactly tell him to stop, either, and that she IS giving me attitude, but we will discuss it when I get off work. Do I give her another chance, or tell her it has to change? I already have given her two other chances. I don't want to send her back home to her drunk mother, but I don't like being taken advantage of, either....

LadyDelilah · October 2012

My Dad was horribly abusive and I left home at 17 graduated HS and put myself through college. She can take care of herself and this isnt your problem. I would tell her she has 2-4 weeks to get it together and if shes just going to go back home to her mom thats her choice. You have you and your LO to worry about you dont need to be worried about some one that can take care of herself. IMHO. This would seem to me like a three strikes youre out situation. GL

ThreeGirls726 · October 2012

Who is this girl? A friend of the family? Do you know her Mother?

chiualover · October 2012

Just the fact that it was 8pm and Bug hadn't had

dinner yet, to me that is strike 3.

startingover10423 · October 2012

Kim&Ben:
Who is this girl? A friend of the family? Do you know her Mother?

I met her at my work, and we hung out a few times. She told me her situation, I've met her mother and I don't want to ever see her again. She called L a heartless b!tch in front of me, so what would she say in private? Since L moved in (like 3 months ago) her parents have not called to say hi or anything.

LadyDelilah · October 2012

So shes had about a strike a month? I dont think its going to get better.

Reagan1010 · October 2012

I applaud you for wanting to help, but you have already given her 2 other warnings/chances. I think she is taking advantage of you. I'm sure she was in a bad situation, but it is never one sided. She might have something to do with the relationship between herself and her mother. She is 17. She is old enough to have a job, support herself and go to school at the same time. I was 17 when I got an apartment with roommates and started school. It was tough, but I did it. I know quite a few people who were on their own at an early age. It sounds like she just needs to have a reality check. Good luck with whatever you decide!

startingover10423 · October 2012

Scout2005:

I mean.

She sounds like she's 17. Attitude is sort of the name of the game.

I don't know that she's taking advantage of you, really. She's being a teenager. Remind her of the rules, and tell her if she really can't abide by them, the living arrangement isn't going to work. I really wouldn't engage in a texting debate with her, I would just have a calm conversation when she comes home.

If you're this worried about her behavior, is she even someone you trust to watch your kid?

We've had this discussion twice already. She is very good with Bug, and he loves her, but when we're home, she has attitude with us if it's not convenient for her to do something we ask. I don't even have her clean. She makes her bed and does her own laundry, but we take care of the cleaning (mostly because of my OCD). She has never forgotten to feed him before, but the fact that she did last night bothers me.

startingover10423 · October 2012

So the Bumpies think I should have her move out? I will tell her that she's had enough chances and she has two weeks to figure out where she's going. Most likely she will just take her stuff and go back to her parents, but I guess that's not my problem. Thanks for helping me feel better about this, Ladies!!!

LuckyDad · October 2012

A bunch of issues here.

It's not surprising that a teen with a troubled enough home life to be staying with you is going to have some issues. In the grand cosmic scope of things, the girl you describe is definitely within the range of a "typical teen".

My feeling is at this point you need to start treating her like you would treat an adult who was staying with you. You can say very honestly that if you had a friend visiting you from out of town, it would be weird if she brought some guy over who was rubbing her back under her shirt. I'm assuming that while you are concerned about teen pregnancy, your biggest issue with her having guys over is you don't want to hear her banging, nor do you want Bug exposed to that? That's a pretty reasonable request, and another situation where you can tell her you feel like you are being fair and treating her like you would treat an adult house guest.

Unfortunately, you're in a situation where your only recourse for her violating rules is kicking her out, and that's not really something you want to do. And she probably knows you don't want to do it. Perhaps you need to set up some sort of incentive for her to reward her for good behavior that you also can take away for bad behavior. Basically a bribe, something like "pass all your classes and no more "incidents" and I'll buy you X". People do tend to respond to incentives. Best of luck... Part of me hopes I'll never have to deal with a teenage girl!

startingover10423 · October 2012

fredalina:
startingover10423:
Scout2005:

I mean.

She sounds like she's 17. Attitude is sort of the name of the game.

I don't know that she's taking advantage of you, really. She's being a teenager. Remind her of the rules, and tell her if she really can't abide by them, the living arrangement isn't going to work. I really wouldn't engage in a texting debate with her, I would just have a calm conversation when she comes home.

If you're this worried about her behavior, is she even someone you trust to watch your kid?

We've had this discussion twice already. She is very good with Bug, and he loves her, but when we're home, she has attitude with us if it's not convenient for her to do something we ask. I don't even have her clean. She makes her bed and does her own laundry, but we take care of the cleaning (mostly because of my OCD). She has never forgotten to feed him before, but the fact that she did last night bothers me.
I'm with Scout. She is acting her age. But you aren't her mother and do not have to accept it either. You can choose to, or choose not to. But texting isn't going to solve anything. Talk to her. Ask her how she's feeling about the situation. Help her move on if that's what she needs to do.

That's why I told her we will talk when I get home tonight. She wasn't back when I left for work, so I didn't have a chance to talk with her about it. I believe DH and I will chat with her tonight. I don't want to do the whole bribe thing, because I shouldn't have to. She gets free room and board in exchange for her good behavior and babysitting.

missymo · October 2012

I left home at 17. Granted, I went to college but I was 17 for almost the entire 1st semester there.

I'm not trying to say it does not suck to have a crappy mom, and I think it's showing in her behaviour. I would never have been so disrespectful of you at 17.

Honestly, if you have rules and she doesn't follow them she can move out. That would be my stance. It is so nice of you to help her, but she is not your responsibility. If she can't control her attitude and be grateful for your help, you should kick her to the curb. For real.

Lilywildcat · October 2012

LuckyDad:
A bunch of issues here.
It's not surprising that a teen with a troubled enough home life to be staying with you is going to have some issues. In the grand cosmic scope of things, the girl you describe is definitely within the range of a "typical teen".
My feeling is at this point you need to start treating her like you would treat an adult who was staying with you. You can say very honestly that if you had a friend visiting you from out of town, it would be weird if she brought some guy over who was rubbing her back under her shirt. I'm assuming that while you are concerned about teen pregnancy, your biggest issue with her having guys over is you don't want to hear her banging, nor do you want Bug exposed to that? That's a pretty reasonable request, and another situation where you can tell her you feel like you are being fair and treating her like you would treat an adult house guest.
Unfortunately, you're in a situation where your only recourse for her violating rules is kicking her out, and that's not really something you want to do. And she probably knows you don't want to do it. Perhaps you need to set up some sort of incentive for her to reward her for good behavior that you also can take away for bad behavior. Basically a bribe, something like "pass all your classes and no more "incidents" and I'll buy you X". People do tend to respond to incentives. Best of luck... Part of me hopes I'll never have to deal with a teenage girl!

I agree with most of what other people are saying, and most of Lucky Dad's post. I just have an issue with the bolded. I could see myself using incentives for my own children if their behaviour/grades needed improving, but not to anyone who i didn't have any obligation to, especially if they keep breaking the rules. This is JMHO but this girl isn't the OP's family of any kind, or a friend of the family so if she's not following the rules, especially when she's watching your child or when your child could be influenced she's gotta find a new place to live.

J&A2008 · October 2012

LuckyDad:

A bunch of issues here.

It's not surprising that a teen with a troubled enough home life to be staying with you is going to have some issues. In the grand cosmic scope of things, the girl you describe is definitely within the range of a "typical teen".

My feeling is at this point you need to start treating her like you would treat an adult who was staying with you. You can say very honestly that if you had a friend visiting you from out of town, it would be weird if she brought some guy over who was rubbing her back under her shirt. I'm assuming that while you are concerned about teen pregnancy, your biggest issue with her having guys over is you don't want to hear her banging, nor do you want Bug exposed to that? That's a pretty reasonable request, and another situation where you can tell her you feel like you are being fair and treating her like you would treat an adult house guest.

Unfortunately, you're in a situation where your only recourse for her violating rules is kicking her out, and that's not really something you want to do. And she probably knows you don't want to do it. Perhaps you need to set up some sort of incentive for her to reward her for good behavior that you also can take away for bad behavior. Basically a bribe, something like "pass all your classes and no more "incidents" and I'll buy you X". People do tend to respond to incentives. Best of luck... Part of me hopes I'll never have to deal with a teenage girl!

ALL of this.

I also think you need to stop treating her like live in slave labor. I get that she's getting free room and board from you guys, but did you take her in to do HER a favor to to help YOU out?

I think an arrangement where you pay her for babysitting and she pays you for rent makes more sense. Make sure she can earn what you're asking in rent and still has some money so she has some autonomy and can start saving some money for when she's on her own.

lrn327 · October 2012

J&A2008:
LuckyDad:

A bunch of issues here.

It's not surprising that a teen with a troubled enough home life to be staying with you is going to have some issues. In the grand cosmic scope of things, the girl you describe is definitely within the range of a "typical teen".

My feeling is at this point you need to start treating her like you would treat an adult who was staying with you. You can say very honestly that if you had a friend visiting you from out of town, it would be weird if she brought some guy over who was rubbing her back under her shirt. I'm assuming that while you are concerned about teen pregnancy, your biggest issue with her having guys over is you don't want to hear her banging, nor do you want Bug exposed to that? That's a pretty reasonable request, and another situation where you can tell her you feel like you are being fair and treating her like you would treat an adult house guest.

Unfortunately, you're in a situation where your only recourse for her violating rules is kicking her out, and that's not really something you want to do. And she probably knows you don't want to do it. Perhaps you need to set up some sort of incentive for her to reward her for good behavior that you also can take away for bad behavior. Basically a bribe, something like "pass all your classes and no more "incidents" and I'll buy you X". People do tend to respond to incentives. Best of luck... Part of me hopes I'll never have to deal with a teenage girl!

ALL of this.

I also think you need to stop treating her like live in slave labor. I get that she's getting free room and board from you guys, but did you take her in to do HER a favor to to help YOU out?

I think an arrangement where you pay her for babysitting and she pays you for rent makes more sense. Make sure she can earn what you're asking in rent and still has some money so she has some autonomy and can start saving some money for when she's on her own.

I like this idea of you paying her and her paying rent. Otherwise it's like this weird parent/child relationship except not really. And I'd definitely think twice about letting her watch your DS so IDK how she'd earn the rent in that case. Tough situation.

mom2pottamus · October 2012

I commented on your other post but for some reason I am sitting here thinking about this 17 yo girl and wondering how you are helping her in this situation.

You said she has been there for 3 months...so she probably helped you out during your recent surgery. You also stated you have been struggling and were diagnosed with Bipolar II. She is 17 and available to babysit at 8am, why is she not in school? How often do you expect her to babysit and how much notice does she get? The more I think about this the more I think you are taking advantage of a girl who has a hard life.

Are you helping this girl out of a crappy situation or helping yourself?

Kitiara5512 · October 2012

mom2pottamus:

I commented on your other post but for some reason I am sitting here thinking about this 17 yo girl and wondering how you are helping her in this situation.

You said she has been there for 3 months...so she probably helped you out during your recent surgery. You also stated you have been struggling and were diagnosed with Bipolar II. She is 17 and available to babysit at 8am, why is she not in school? How often do you expect her to babysit and how much notice does she get? The more I think about this the more I think you are taking advantage of a girl who has a hard life.

Are you helping this girl out of a crappy situation or helping yourself?

Late to the game here, but totally helping herself and not the girl. Everything in your OP says that you are looking out for yourself and taking advantage of that girl with the threat of throwing her out in the street if she is not there to make things more convenient for you. Fuckthatshit.

Lilywildcat · October 2012

This is how i see it. OP took in the girl and is not charging her room and board, in exchange for the girl babysitting her child when OP needs it. Those were the terms before the girl moved in. It seems like the girl agreed to the terms or else she wouldn't have moved in right? And in regards to the OP's recent surgery, did the girl know about the surgery? If she did and she still agreed to move in, Why do you think the girl shouldn't help out? I don't mean for her to be OP's slave, but for her to at least do her share and maybe help pick up where OP can't. In my opinion, OP is helping because she got the girl out of a bad situation with her mom before it got worse. I agree that the girl may have had a hard life, but i think she is better off with OP rather than an abusive/alcoholic mother.

Now, without knowing the whole story, i can't really say the OP is taking advantage of the girl. Regardless of how much the girl helps out or not, if she continues to break the OP's rules, a discussion has to be had. Either you shape up or you ship out.

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