Why don't people like the term "gotcha day"?

jillianmb · October 2012

We all know language is very important when it comes to adoption and I want to be sensitive, but I like the term "gotcha day" and I don't know why it would be offensive? I am not trying to belittle the loss that happens in a child's relinquishment by birth parents or country of birth, but I don't think that loss should undo the celebration of a family coming together. What do you think?

Junebride007 · October 2012

I have always like it!

potatohead · October 2012

I think it's cute and have also wondered why some take offense to it.

christielovesnathan · October 2012

I think it's cute.

kimmyb1020 · October 2012

I heard it for the first time on your blog and I think it's cute! I don't see how someone could be offended by it, it's playful and positive

srmmm09 · October 2012

I think some people feel like it sounds "grabby." I can understand why adoptees who are mourning the loss of their birth family would feel like it makes them seem like an object or something? I'm kinda fishing for how it would feel if it were me... While I do want to be sensitive to others' emotional pain, I think it's a bit... overblown, especially with international adoption, since typically the loss of birth family occurred before the adoptive parents were even in the picture.

But what do I know; I wasn't adopted. As a BM, I have no issues with it. I'm very happy that M is legally their child because he IS their child.

SoSweet06 · October 2012

It just feels wrong, KWIM? I don't find it personally offensive, my parents use it (sibling was adopted). I just prefer Family Day or Adoption Day.

jillianmb · October 2012

SoSweet06:
It just feels wrong, KWIM? I don't find it personally offensive, my parents use it (sibling was adopted). I just prefer Family Day or Adoption Day.

Our "adoption day" is another day though- the day when the judge said "yes."

And "family day" is a national holiday in Canada, where I'm from so it feel strange using that.

I wish there was another term I liked.

BethanyB2609 · October 2012

Popping my head in! I hope you don't mind. I have a cousin who is adopted and rather than "gotcha day" they have "celebration day". I personally don't see a problem with "gotcha day" and neither does my aunt, I guess she just wanted to be original by deeming it "celebration day."

P.S. I love following your blog, your son is too precious!

Allie-Jo · October 2012

I think it makes sense if it is a completely different day then when you are adopted. Yes, on paper you are a family when a judge says so, but when the child is actually living with you, that's HUGE! And deserves to be mentioned. I think its a cute term for a day with no official name...have at it!

ellekae · October 2012

I don't have any feelings about it other than that I know our agency prefers the other options that PPs mentioned: Family Day or Adoption Day.

I found this article: https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1266

I can see how some people can find it offensive, but I also see how the other phrasings may not work for you, Jillian.

My two cents? I'd go with "adoption day" for the day you bring him home and call the date the adoption is finalized in the courts "finalization day" if you have to refer to it at all. I mean, we celebrate the day a baby is born, not the day he/she comes home from the hospital, right?

irismorning · October 2012

ellekae:

have to refer to it at all. I mean, we celebrate the day a baby is born, not the day he/she comes home from the hospital, right?

I agree with this. I am an adoptee and I feel as though if my parents had made a big deal over my adoption day, it would have made me feel "different" from everyone else in the family. We just celebrated birthdays. (I have two brothers who are the biological children of our parents.) I have two boys, both who were adopted. They know that they were adopted and we speak of it freely in our household, but there is no emphasis on celebrating any day other than the day they were born.

jillianmb · October 2012

ellekae:
I don't have any feelings about it other than that I know our agency prefers the other options that PPs mentioned: Family Day or Adoption Day.
I found this article: https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1266
I can see how some people can find it offensive, but I also see how the other phrasings may not work for you, Jillian.
My two cents? I'd go with "adoption day" for the day you bring him home and call the date the adoption is finalized in the courts "finalization day" if you have to refer to it at all. I mean, we celebrate the day a baby is born, not the day he/she comes home from the hospital, right?

Thanks I'll check out that article.

It's not really like being born vs. coming home from the hospital b/c even though we got our "yes" in the courts, the decision does not go into legal force until 30 days later- hence our returning for his gotcha day.

I think the only reasonable solution is to just have a 5 week long celebration every year and call it the weeks of Jubilee.

-----

It was interesting to read everyone's responses; it seems the word "gotcha" just carries different meaning. When I hear the word, I think about a parent chasing a giggling kid, scooping them up and saying, "I GOTCHA!!" followed by peels of laughter. It doesn't carry any of that possessiveness or sense of competition like other posters mentioned. I *think* we'll stick with the term, but I am going to give it some thought over the next week or so.

Thanks all!

Bellaredhead · October 2012

Personally and I'm still new to the whole adoption process, so please don't take offense to my lack of knowledgeI feel that the adoptive parents have the right to celebrate however they want. Call it "Gotcha Day" if you feel that's best! : There are very few things that people should be offended by in life and that's not one of them! :

CaptainSerious · October 2012

We went back and forth on the "gotcha day" thing, and were not going to use the term because we didn't want to make light of what could be wrapped up with painful or mixed emotions for our child. Celebrating the fact that you become a family and that your child is living with you is different, in my opinion, than celebrating that he's now "yours." It takes the shift off of what is actually happening (a child (who may have a really hard time with it) is joining a family) and places it on how happy you are that you finally made it to the point of becoming a parent to that child. Anyway, that was how I felt before we adopted M.

But the thing is, the day that the boys came to live with us is a big deal. To them, that's the day they got a family. It doesn't matter that the court and law didn't agree and make it official or permanent until a few weeks later. And no matter whatever happened to get to that point or how much they miss their biological families and roots, they are happy to be members of our family. Also, we do play just as you said around the house all the time, and "gotcha" is a thing that has helped us bond and cherish one another. So, since they don't seem to mind it, we use it the term sparingly (and mostly just among my husband and me, to the boys, we still say "the day you came to live with us"). Those dates means something to all of us, and we definitely mark and mention them, but we don't really celebrate them in a big way.

We do celebrate the days the adoptions became final, because that's when we became a family forever. We were using the term "family day" with M, because I didn't want to highlight that he became part of the family by adoption, specifically, just that we celebrate when he joined the family, period. That became a little more muddled when J joined us, because now we have two different "family days," so I was leaning towards going back to using "adoption day." So far, we've used them both interchangeably, but I'm leaning back to "family day." We all have a day we joined the family, be it through a marriage or adoption (or for others, birth).

That being said, in your case, I would definitely celebrate the day that you get permanent custody of your son. That's really the day it's real, especially to him, you know? That's the day your family will truly be transformed. That's the day that no one, no how can just waltz in and change the fact that you are his parents and he is your son. What you call it will be a matter of what you are comfortable with and may evolve over time, but that is definitely a day worth celebrating!

jillianmb · October 2012

CaptainSerious:
That being said, in your case, I would definitely celebrate the day that you get permanent custody of your son. That's really the day it's real, especially to him, you know? That's the day your family will truly be transformed. That's the day that no one, no how can just waltz in and change the fact that you are his parents and he is your son. What you call it will be a matter of what you are comfortable with and may evolve over time, but that is definitely a day worth celebrating!

You get me. Loved everything you said but especially this part. Thank you!!

jenjen930 · October 2012

jalara48:
Spooko:

jillianmb:

It seems the word "gotcha" just carries different meaning. When I hear the word, I think about a parent chasing a giggling kid, scooping them up and saying, "I GOTCHA!!" followed by peels of laughter. It doesn't carry any of that possessiveness or sense of competition like other posters mentioned. I *think* we'll stick with the term, but I am going to give it some thought over the next week or so.

This is the exact same imagery and connotation I have.

Diddo.

I have to agree here as well. Smile

Kris721 · October 2012

I am adopted and the day my parents "got" me has always been referred as "My Special Day". My parents would give me a small gift and a card.

erinmc1 · October 2012

I don't love the term, but not because I find it offensive. It just sounds sorta squicky to me. No offense made to anyone who does like it, but it sounds like the A-parents were pursuing and the child was trying to escape, so in my mind, it's a little...child abductor-ish.

We'll probably call it (Last Name) Family Fun Day or something generic.

ellekae · October 2012

Is "squicky" a localonly term? I have no clue what that means. No judgment though. When I moved to the 'burgh, people looked at me like I was insane for some of the PA Dutch stuff I said... And I had to ask over and over what "nebby" means.

kaitylin · October 2012

My sister celebrates Gotcha Day with both of her girls that they adopted international adoption. They are now 9 and 5 and so far they love the term too but who knows how they will feel as teenagers.

I have also heard homecoming day or "coming home day" which is cute.

erinmc1 · October 2012

ellekae:
Is "squicky" a localonly term? I have no clue what that means. No judgment though. When I moved to the 'burgh, people looked at me like I was insane for some of the PA Dutch stuff I said... And I had to ask over and over what "nebby" means.

I don't think you're going to find it in any "Pittsburghese Dictionaries" or anything. My friends and I use it, but it might just be something we say. It's a combination of squeamish and icky.

And nebby means nosy, obviously! Haha. Cause a bird's beak is a neb
(for serious, you can google it), and you're putting your beak in someone else's business.

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