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Blended Families
lvnlife3184
member
fact please...no opinion
lvnlife3184
member
in a joint parenting agreement, summertime daycare, if the only days the children are being babysat are in dads custody, should dad be able to choose who is babysitting?? or does mom have to approve of the babysitter? weird situation happening but she won't approve of my father, the childrens step-grandfather, to watch them. She almost wouldn't approve of their own paternal grandfather but since i'm pretty sure she can't do that, it didn't work in her favor. (through mediation)
bm knows my parents have babysat them in the past. not full days while we work, but during evenings or whatever random times. And she didn't fight that. the kids are very comfortable with them. they even attend church with my father on our weekends. my parents attend their soccer games, act as though they are blood related grandparents. we know she's acting this way over her own control issues but my question is how is any of it fair in a "joint parenting" agreement? the CO doesn't even state anything about custodial parents. a mediator pointed it out and told her what the childrens father is asking is not unreasonable. but how can she still say "no" to something that consists only of something during the days they are in his custody?
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Re: fact please...no opinion
Check out what the specifics of joint legal custody are in your State. Some States spell it out very detailed as to what joint legal custody means, and what issues must be agreed upon between both parents. If in your State childcare isn't mentioned (although it probably is) then no, neither parent can "veto" the other parent's choice of childcare. But if there's a clause for First Right of Refusal, then BM would get that extra time, as would your husband during BM's time.
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just turned 63...not sure if thats old or not. the man acts like he's 40 years at times still. goes out for walks and has quite a social life and everything. He also babysits his 2.5 year old niece once or t wice a week at times for full days when needed. he's been doing the diaper thing with her and taking care of her just fine so i think handling an almost 5 year old and a 7 year old wouldn't be very difficult for him.
But what i don't get is how she can still dictate her approval during mediation over this if its not stated in the CO. the only thing the CO states is that they are to split childcare costs in half and pay every other week. when offered free childcare we would have thought she'd taken it. But she's only agreeing now for the paternal grandfather and only on the weeks DH pays.
I guess its a control issue. She would never be faced with picking the kids up from my father or their paternal grandfather ever though. the only way it would affect her is that she'd save a chunk of money every month.
She's a nurse and DH's custody days revolve around her schedule. She's not home to have the children on those days. She's not even in the same state during those days.
she's gone for work before the kids wake up at our house and gets home about 30 minutes before their bedtime.
their CO doesn't state anything about joint legal custody. just "joint parenting". DH got the letter from the mediator stating everything today and he plans to read it very well obviously and speak with his attorney also about it before he signs anythign and mails it back to agree to decisions. but i just can't figure out how this all works since there is no legal custody stated in the CO and she can sit there and act so crude towards him and his family and dictate what he does during his time with the children.
It depends on the state. In my state, both parents have rights to make practically any decision (except surgery except in emergency situations) on "their" time. But I agree that if it doesn't specifically state otherwise in the CO, your DH can use whomever they want and if she has issue that's on her to take you back to court over if she wants to take it that far.
I know that you wanted "facts" vs "Opinion", but the FACTS (after participating on this and many other Blended Family Boards) is that the bolded part will open yourself to more headaches in the future.
The more concrete the visitation schedule, down to specific times of the pickups/drop offs and the such is both better for YOUR family life and for the child (given that CS is based on both the income and time with the child, what if she decides to cut her work hours to make her get MORE time and then go back for more child support?)
Now, if you want to add Right of First Refusal on HER (ie, if she cannot shedule her work load around a set visitaiton schedule, then YOU get the kids), that is a perfectly reasonable.
Exactly the bolded. Have your husband double check with his attorney now that he has a copy of the mediator's paperwork. If the attorney gives the green light, then your husband is free to choose whomever he wants to watch the kids. If BM really wants to fight about, let her file paperwork to go to Court. It will be her responsibility to prove how/why having your father watch the kids is detrimental to them.
OP, I feel ya on the 63 acting 40 business. My father turns 66 in a couple weeks and underwent a quintuple bypass last December. He has always acted much younger than he really is and I would never hesitate or think twice about letting him babysit my kids. Heck, he probably has more energy than I do right now. I think it's fantastic that your father is willing and able to watch the kids, and he sounds like he's really making the effort to make your SKs feel as included in the family dynamic as possible. Even if BM doesn't see it that way, I'm sure your SKs do.
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this is what i think too. But when he approached (by email) her with the idea of free childcare from them, she didn't even respond to this and he recieved a letter from her attorney within a few days in the mail stating she has never met this man and to refrain from changing the daycare options until things are discussed through mediation. (the grandfathers said they would do after school pick up as well and watch them until we were home from work during the school year).
so in my opinion she never had any intentions of discussion and the attorney just mas to say mediation because a judge won't even consider anything until mediation is attempted. we just thought a mediator might state that she can't dictact to him what he does but apparently she refused every other option and resisted any kind of compromise except letting DH's dad watch them only during his pay weeks in the summer. just makes no sense.....
DH is supposed to call his attorney to look over the letter they got following mediation so hopefully his attorney has something to say about it. we will see. he would have to not sign this letter and probably another medation would have to be schedule i bet to go further into the topic. she literally resists any kind of change for the kids unless its HER idea. whether its serious enough to go to mediation or just a not a big deal thing to compromise through email/text on....she throws fits and wants to control it all.
BM absotely refuses to speak about a set schedule. DH has tried in the past with her and she will not talk about it. He brought it up in mediation and she refused then as well.
i don't know how that will ever happen with her honestly.
Uhm so what?!?
You stick to this request in Mediation and if she does not acquess, you go to court and a judge.
Even in the most "mother oriente" courts, they still allow for fathers to have set visitations - and if you have EOWE and RIght of First Refusal for when she is working you have a win-win situaiton.
But if your DH does not FIGHT IT, then any fall out is his fault.
I feel ya on this!! But a man isn't always the easiest to talk to, we should all know this. lol He isn't stubborn but he worries about her trying to up CS, and screwing him over in any other way she can which she is trying already. She brought up in mediation about how the childrens bedrooms are in the basement. there are escape routes/windows in our basement. They aren't in a dungeon. We have a new baby on the way this winter and she's very jealous/unhappy about this we think and our house although not small, only has 2 bedrooms on the main floor. They are just large rooms so there aren't as many. SD (7) has been in her bedroom downstairs for over a year and has never once even been scared and she knows her escape route if she were to ever hear a smoke alarm at night. SS will also be taught the same things when his new bedroom in the basement is done and he will even have a window directly above his new loft bed that will be easier access out than any other bedrooms if he were trapped honestly. She was questioning all of this in mediation but i told DH if she is so worried why did it take her over a year to say something about SD's room?? I think its her trying to find ways to take digs at him. She didn't mention if she has escape ladders out the windows of their 2nd story bedrooms at her house...her bedroom is on the main floor....of course DH didn't think quickly enough and mention any of that.
So he worries about her trying to get more CS out of him and also if she tries to fight the kids bedrooms at our home if anything were to go to court. If she cuts her own work hours can she even request more money from him? I thought if pay were cut by choice then CS can't be modified because of it. And can she really tell him how to run his household and where children are to sleep in his home? (he flat out told her in mediation that she's questioning him as a father first off, and second as a police officer...somebody who always has safety first in mind. he's not an idiot...)