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how has it changed for you and your kids/skids

&babymakes5&babymakes5
in Blended Families

OK so we all know as kids get older they are more involved in school and activities.  I have a DD12 who is now in 7th grade, involved in competive cheer(which I went over with and provided information on to BD and SM before enrolling in) and enjoys going to football games etc.  This Friday night is Homecoming and her 1/2 brother is a senior and plays.  We had a knock down drag out argument/or should I say she did because it is her dad's weekend and he will not let her go to homecoming.  Let me also say that she is going to his house after school on Friday and then coming home Mid morning Sat for whatever reason.  We live in the same town 2 miles from each other and the same school district.  I really do not see why he will not let her go to the game but of course it is not my call which is what I tried to explain to her.....So now to my real question.....How have things changed in your blended family with visitation as the kids get older and more involved?

This is my take on the situation--I say be flexible and take different weekends etc....especially when you live really close.  I have no problems changing weekends switching days etc.  I am thinking of giving him a calendar (he has the dates but will need additional visuals) and letting him choose the days he wants visitation if he does not want to be involved in scheduled events such as cheer competetions.

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Re: how has it changed for you and your kids/skids

  • &babymakes5&babymakes5
    I don't know why he won't let her go and if she can't go she can't go, I am not coming to her rescue at all and have told her she has to talk to her dad that is between them.  I will come to her aid only if he is keeping her from commmitments such as school related or cheer related becasue he knew about these commitments and agreed before she ever was enrolled.  I guess my thing is this if you are only taking your daughter for less than 24 hours on your weekend I don't see the big deal in switching days or heck just go to the game with her.....Like I said I can't change it and am not going to argue with him or her about it becasue it is not worth it.
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  • bebe11bebe11 member

    I think as kids get older (teenager), that they should have time to do things that they want to do, whether it is on Mom or Dad's day, within reason of course.  If you live that close together, I think it would be easier to be more flexible.

    At 12, I would say that she would need an adult to go with her to a high school homecoming game, maybe BD just doesn't want to go?  Why is he giving up half his weekend?

     

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  • twister22twister22 member
    I thought homecoming was for HS students? If your DD is 12, that would put her in 6th or 7th grade. I would be in agreement with BD that DD shouldn't go to homecoming. As for the FB game, if you would be there, I would let her go with her friends.
    image
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  • dor79dor79

    I just made DH sit down with BM because the kids are getting to the point where they want to go out on the weekends and hang-out with friends.  I just wanted everyone to be on the same page on curfews and where they are allowed to go an not allowed to go.

    We live fairly close to each other, and as the kids are entering High School and wanting to go out more, we let them, no matter what weekend it is.  No parenting figure in their lives usually says no to a social activity unless it impacts a family event.  If its during our visitation time, they will call/text us to see if they can go or if we are doing anything.  Same with at their moms home.

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  • kimmygirl77kimmygirl77 member
    As my SKs have gotten older, things haven't changed that much. I mean, we always took them to their extra curriculars if it landed on our time. But now that they are teenagers, they ask the parent they are with if they may do something. So, if homecoming game was this Friday and they wanted to go, they would call my DH and ask if they may go. Most times the answer is Yes. But sometimes we may have plans and it won't work. But they are teenagers and know what days are with mom and which ones are dad's. So they are pretty good at letting us know. They know if they spring it on us then they won't go. So they try and give us notice. Also, if they are talking about doing something, I will remind them, "Oh that is Mom's weekend, so you need to ask her." BM does the same thing, "Ask your dad because you are with him."
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  • &babymakes5&babymakes5
    I have no idea why he is giving up half his weekend and I will be at the game along with her SD and her grand parents.  I have no problem with her going with us and I will even take her to his house after the game he knows we will be there we go to every game.
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  • &babymakes5&babymakes5

    imagetwister22:
    I thought homecoming was for HS students? If your DD is 12, that would put her in 6th or 7th grade. I would be in agreement with BD that DD shouldn't go to homecoming. As for the FB game, if you would be there, I would let her go with her friends.

    Homecoming is a high school game but we live in a small town so it spreads through all the schools.  Her brother (a senior) will be playing in the football game also so that is one of the reasons she wants to go,  and yes I will be there.

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  • socloudy99socloudy99 member

    Yes it has changed and it really sucks. We go to all the kids sports/teams/games but it isn't really spending time together. With two in competitive cheer and the youngest being 12 I really understand. She also knows if she stays home she will get to do the 200 activities with friends she wants to.

    Sometimes kids get told no. With her brother playing I would hope he would be more flexible but how often does this happen on his time? BM is trying to change our schedule constantly. She really wants DH to only have them every other Sunday so they can spend the whole weekend running around with there friends.

    It isn't right!

    For as much as I hear about crappy NCP I know just as many that have to fight and fight to get such a small amount of time. How would you feel about giving up your Friday if you hadn't seen her all week?

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  • OoglybearOoglybear member
    We are pretty flexible with BM re: trading days when necessary. However, that will not evolve into undermining the other parent's authority (which IMO is what you're trying to do). For whatever reason, BF says no to homecoming that falls on his time, then the answer is no. Giving the teens too much "flexibility" gives them the power to manipulate you and get around your (or BF's) rules.
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  • &babymakes5&babymakes5

    imageOoglybear:
    We are pretty flexible with BM re: trading days when necessary. However, that will not evolve into undermining the other parent's authority (which IMO is what you're trying to do). For whatever reason, BF says no to homecoming that falls on his time, then the answer is no. Giving the teens too much "flexibility" gives them the power to manipulate you and get around your (or BF's) rules.

     

    I am not trying to undermind his authority at all.  I have not expressed my thoughts except to my husband last night before bed and on this board.  I understand he has the right to say no and I respect his right, just know if it was my step daughter in the same boat I would let her go to the game and then come over afterwards or the next morning.

     

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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Re you able to calmly ask him why, stating that you are not trying to change his mind but needed to understand so you can back him up? I am wondering if it control, if he had other plans or if he just things she is too young.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • IlumineIlumine member

    imageLittlejen22:
    Re you able to calmly ask him why, stating that you are not trying to change his mind but needed to understand so you can back him up? I am wondering if it control, if he had other plans or if he just things she is too young.

    I second this. 

    As for the topic (which we seem to be going over again and again), CHILDREN MISS EVENTS ALL OF THE TIME (be it in blended or intact families). 

    Their attitude/resentment at the time AND over time all depends on how both parents HANDLE the situation.

    Just because you may not SAY something, that doesnt mean your demeanor, tone of voice or next set of actions doesnt indicate just how you feel about it.

    Look, I probably lost out on going to parties/events as much as any kid in a blended family (ie every other weekend) because our family dynamic did not allow me the opportunties.  My parents said NO.  They did not allow for histrionics, but they were sympathetic and made up for it in other ways. 

     

    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
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