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2nd Trimester
5.5 months pregnant & tired of walking on egg shells with a family member
I am currently pregnant with my second child. I had my first born about a year ago.
Our first child was hard to conceive. Along the way we had four miscarriages and then I found out I had cancer. After the cancer was removed, I was told that my chances to have a child were slim to none. Well, we conceived and it was a rough pregnancy but it was so worth it. Proud parents of a healthy beautiful child!
One can imagine how overjoyed we were at finding out that we conceived baby number two without trying based upon what we went through with baby number one. It was scary at first (I had such a fear of miscarriage) and finally now I am able to breathe a bit. This unborn child so far is doing great and I am incredibly relieved since I am still considered a high-risk pregnancy.
Ok. Now here's where it gets muddy. My sister-in-law has one child around age six. She had such a time conceiving child number one and finally had success via invetro. She badly wanted a second but has not had any luck.
Knowing this and trying to conceal my joy, hubby and I have been so incredibly careful about sharing our news with friends and family. We should be celebrating but I have this huge amount of guilt. I just found out over the weekend that my sister in law confided with my other sister in law that she can't be around me or my husband because it deeply depresses her. She doesn't want to talk it out. I understand her situation in many ways. I do. When I had my miscarriages (one was at four months) it brought me sadness when one of my friends announced a pregnancy. However, I put my sadness aside knowing that they were so happy. They knew what I was going through and they were so incredibly supportive. I knew the joys that they were experiencing and I wanted to be supportive to them to.
What kills me is that she has never been satisfied with having the one child. The one child they have is so incredibly smart and beautiful and I am such a proud Aunt. There is this dark cloud looming and I think how fortunate she is to have one child. (Note: She doesn't want to adopt. Out of the question.) She focuses so much on what she doesn't have that she doesn't put into focus and consideration what she has been blessed with. (Child, husband who would do anything for her, a nice home, a loving family, she doesn't have to work (and doesn't want to) and has the luxury to be a stay at home mom without worrying about finances, etc.) There is so much to be grateful for that so many many don't have.
This weekend was the last straw when she made such an ordeal about not coming to a family get together because of her uphappiness with my being preggo. So many family members knew why she didn't come and I was the last to find out. So, here I was at this gathering feeling rotten because it wasn't a complete family event because she, hubby and child weren't there because of me. I'm getting to the point of feeling guilty for being pregnant and miserable for family tensions it's causing. I feel rotten for not feeling empathetic anymore because I think, "this is going to be your niece or nephew and you should be excited." I think, "You're going to have to cope with this eventually because this child is coming whether you like it or not."
Thoughts? Anyone in a similar situation?
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Re: 5.5 months pregnant & tired of walking on egg shells with a family member
I'm so sorry for your difficult situation...but she honestly sounds like she is being selfish (In my opinion!). She has a child that is a miracle and she should be thankful! Being jealous of your 2nd child is ridiculous and she is causing drama. You have nothing to feel GUILTY for...it's not like you are flaunting it in her face, I hope!, but you can't help that you're going to have a big ole' baby belly and be happy about it!!
Don't let her hang ups bring you down...it is amazing what you have gone through and she is probably just having a hard time dealing with it. Hopefully, in time she will come to terms with the fact that she cannot have more children, but there is NO REASON for YOU to feel guilty about the little miracle growing inside you!!
I hope your family is being supportive of BOTH of you!
Good luck.
Sounds like a frustrating situation for you. And it seems like you are doing everything you can to be sensitive to your SIL. Have you asked her to talk about it with you and she has declined? Can you talk about it with her husband?
I hope this doesn't sound insensitive to anyone who has struggled with IF, but if you have done everything you can to work on it with her, it is really her issue to work out now. I think it would be better if someone more neutral in the situation (another family member) talks to her about it and suggests that she look into some counseling around this.
I agree with this. You're trying to be sensitive and she's not not able to cope with it. I can sympathize with her feelings but you have the right to be excited about your baby. You have had your fair share of struggles too.
If this was something she was recently going through, like recently had a miscarriage, I would understand where she was coming from. Like you, I've had 3 miscarriages, and while I'm incredibly supportive and excited for all my friends that announced they had a baby on the way, it became unhealthy for me to be surrounded by it so frequently. I had to find a way to cope with the losses myself and come to terms. To be honest, I think the only thing that has helped me is getting pregnant again and having this one stick.
the fact that she knows everything you went through to get baby number 1, let alone the cancer, etc, tells me she is being incredibly selfish and having a pity party. This is something she needs to work on and get help fast. If I had a similar friend/family member that went through the same, I would be SO happy for them, more so than anyone else because I would know what they went through and that they would be able to sympathize with me.
Be excited, and for your sake, I hope your family is as well. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
You should just stop letting this control you. She needs to deal with her feelings and she will on her own time. You are blaming her because you feel guilty and I get it but you need to stop. You have the right to feel happy and excited and so you should. Stop letting her control your feelings. Stop hiding your excitement and then getting angry and blaming her. It's your choice.
But to say she should just be happy with what she has is really insensitive and unfair. Who are you to decide? You were able to put your sadness aside and that's great but not everyone can. You don't really know what she's going through. There could be things she isn't talking about to you or anyone. Depression is serious.
Your baby is coming either way but there is no reason she needs to be excited. It's your baby. For your own sanity, concentrate on your own family. Be happy and don't be afraid to show it.
EDIT When I say you don't know what she's going through I mean that we never know the full story. She may need professional help. She might not be able to just be thankful and move on. Even the same things can affect people differently.
I agree. I understand that it's making you uncomfortable, sad etc. but you cannot judge what should be enough for her to be happy. We also struggled with infertility and are blessed to be pregnant with our second now. If my son was turning 6 and we still hadn't been able to conceive, I would be heartbroken as well. I understand that the actions she's taking in order to cope are affecting you, but you're in a happier place than she is right now - you're in a better position to deal with her standoffish-ness than she is to deal with your pregnancy. I hope that makes sense.
Please do not judge this poor woman - you know that she's not angry with you. I'm sure you have tons of family and friends that are happy for you and support you; respect her feelings and don't be offended that her situation has led her to where she is now.
DD (5 years old) from IUI in 2012
TTC 3rd and final!: IUI #1 in progress!
Absolutely all of this above. You are pregnant, never mind who "should" be happy and what they "should" be feeling, just focus on you and never mind her. She is in pain. When I was struggling to conceive, I was always happy for those that were pregnant, but that didn't mean that seeing them didn't remind me how broken and defective I felt. I am sure she is happy for you, she never said she wasn't. She has simply voted to stay away from seeing the belly and hearing any pregnancy talk. How can you be angry with her for that? Would you rather she came to the parties, drank a bit to much to drown the sorrow, cried in the bathroom and ruined the occasion for everyone else because she was so torn up over her own emotions and just couldn't hide them as well as you would like? How selfish would you think she was then?
Please let this poor woman deal with her emotions in her own way and focus a bit more on your growing belly and your happy pregnancy. You deserve that. You went through hell, and you have a right to be overjoyed with the heaven you have been given, so give yourself permission to be overjoyed.
You are surrounded by a lot of family and friends who are so happy for you and are more than willing to tell you that repeatedly so let them! Just allow her to grieve in her own time, in her own home, away from the party that all those happy partygoers are gushing at. You can not change the actions of others, you can only change your reaction to their action. If your reaction is making you upset, change it.
First, congrats on your 2nd baby on the way and what an amazing story you have!
2nd, I have a brother who acted very similarly to your sister. Getting pregnant wasn't a difficult task for us, but for my brother and his wife, due to her medical problems, it will never happen. She has 2 girls from a previous marriage, but my brother wanted a child of his own with all his heart. After they found out I was preg, they were happy, but it was a sort of forced happiness. I tried to not let it get to me but it was terrible that I couldn't be as happy as I was on the inside around them. Now that I'm preg with a baby boy, he has completely stopped talking to me and wants nothing to do with me because he simply can't handle his own depression over the fact he will never have a son of his own. I've had to just step back and accept that whatever hes going through he has to go through and deal with alone. Its not my fault I'm pregnant and him and his wife can not have a child. He has issues he needs to square away with God about that and it doesn't involve me. Perhaps someday he will come around, but if he doesn't I know that I was loving, caring, and compassionate towards him about everything and there was nothing else I could have done.
Hang in there. Focus on you and baby right now. Your sister's issues are her own burden. We love our siblings and want to take the hurt away, but sometimes, its not in our control. Someday she will come around when she realizes how much time is passing by. For now, keep her in your prayers or send her good healing thoughts. That is all you can do for her at this point until she learns to love what she has, not envy what she doesn't.
It's hard, no doubt, after a M/C or trouble/failing to conceiv/ing, however, having a baby is good news, and such good news that you shouldn't feel guilty about being happy and wanting to celebrate and enjoy the good news with people who are close to you.
There's no love in jealousy.
I think it's always difficult dealing with friends/family who you feel you have to hide your baby excitement because of their misgivings. I think you're doing the best that you can in understanding how she feels, but there comes a point where she needs to buck up. It would be different if you were inconsiderate, and just went on and on about the baby and she had to constantly bite her tongue--- but it doesn't seem like you are.
On another note, I don't think it's fair to look at someone else's life and say, "You already have this and this and this!" I'm sure wanting another child doesn't make her love her first and only any less. It doesn't mean that she's unaware of her blessings, but there's nothing wrong with wanting another child, and feeling defeated when it won't/can't happen.
Yup, at some point you just have to stop living your life based upon someone else's emotions. You should absolutely get to enjoy this pregnancy and shouldn't feel forced to hide it or make it any less than it is, just because she can't deal with reality.
Sounds like up until this point, you've been as sensitive as you could have been, and while I'm sure it's spared her feelings to a degree, you can't stay on this path forever where you're tiptoeing around her.
If I were you, I'd make a point of explaining your predicament to other family members (ie. are finding it exhausting to keep tiptoeing around and would really like to start enjoying your pregnancy). Get it "out there" so when you finally quit "hiding" your joy, nobody will really have any right to judge you because they'll all understand where you're coming from (ie. it's not a matter of you just suddenly deciding to be really insensitive). Does that make any sense?
Good luck
I agree with MrsJelly, don't feel guilty it's not your fault. Pregnancy is not all 100% planned it just happens when it's right. She sounds like she can be an attention horde. She should at least be happy about having the one she has. Having a child is better then having none.
I went through the same boat as you with the cancer, I had it removed in Feb. and was told the chances were slim to none. It was a huge surprise when I found out I was pregnant.
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I dealt with IF and it stung a great deal anytime a friend got pregnant but I never would have made them feel bad about it. I was happy for them, it was just hard to swallow that it wasn't me.
She sounds like she's being utterly ridiculous even though I understand it's hard. I'm surprised the rest of the family doesn't say something to her.
This is incredibly insensitive and I think it shows a real lack of understanding. Great that you are able to judge what this woman should feel and that pregnancy will happen when it's "right". What does that even mean? Unless you are living her life I would say it's better not to pass judgement on how she should be feeling.
I agree that the OP should not hide her happiness and she has nothing to feel bad about. I do not agree that this woman is just being petty and selfish. Secondary Infertility can be devestating. Because she doesn't deal with it as well as you would like or as quickly as you think she should, she is selfish?
I find it selfish that OP needs this woman to be "excited" to be an aunt when she is obviously not dealing well with her infertility.
OP is entitled to be happy and share her joy with family. This woman is entitled to deal with her grief by staying away until she feels she is ready.
This sounds like her problem, not yours.