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Right of First Refusal Question.

NM86NM86 member
in Blended Families
In my DH's papers, it says that he and BM have ROFR if the other parent cannot watch SD for more than 4 hours.

So does that mean if DH is working a certain day and BM is not, can I watch SD for 4 hours, and then after that BM can pick her up if she wants/is able to watch SD? Or does she have the right to come get her at the start of the time when DH will be gone? Or the right to come get her at any time she wants if DH is not with SD?

The reason I am asking is because DH is working Friday. BM is not. DH has to leave the house at 5am. I usually watch SD all week for BM and DH, and the night before is DH's overnight so SD is with us Friday morning. BM wants to come get SD at 8. I told her 10 would work better on our end. She said no. She will be here at 8am. I'm not trying to be mean to her, but Friday morning will be hectic as it is with stuff going on that day, so I asked if she could do 9. She hasn't responded yet.

So what do I do...or rather, what can I do? DH said that if she wants to get technical, BM can pick SD up at 5 am or she can get her at 9am. He's not sure which end the ROFR means. I don't want to cause problems, so what is best? I am trying to meet her half way and do 9...but I'm not sure what is allowed. And in sure neither party is going to get the papers out and say, 'well see here it says blah blah blah'.

What are some other viewpoints?
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Re: Right of First Refusal Question.

  • xmaryrickxxmaryrickx member
    Unless it is written to include the step parents it only includes the bio parent.
    Why won't 8 work for you? If you have some place to be at 8 maybe BM can meet yOu there?
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  • IlumineIlumine member

    I think you need to get this clarified by the courts, but my understanding is that ROFR DOES NOT INCLUDE being watched by Stepparents. 

    SOs, FIs, are out. But marrying someone gives that person more "rights" (and I say that tongue in cheek and full of sarcasm).

    If I were your DH, I would call your attorney's to see what your state says (to include case law).  Print out the information to kee on hand with your copy of the CO and then forward it to BM. Then be done with it. 

    Because if BM pushes it, you have the law on your side and the cops cannot do anything about it, but SHE will look the fool

     

    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
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  • IlumineIlumine member

    See this is why you need to get clarification.  Because in some states it DOES include stepparents, but not Live Ins (I only know this from some Gay and Lesbian discussions I have seen where this is yet another reason why they want legal marriages).

     

    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
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  • OoglybearOoglybear member

    In my state, stepparents (and grandparents I believe) are included in ROFR, so there would be no issue. I have always had the kids when DH is OOT.

     I don't think there's a requirement on when she picks up the child (at 5am or 8am or 9am). As long as she's not picking SD up like an hour before dad returns or something... It would be nice if BM were flexible with the time, but maybe she has stuff at 9am, who knows. 

    From my understanding, the time limit it just to exclude small/petty things like "BF has to go to the grocery store and leaves kid with SM. Kid should go to BM's house for that time!" 

     

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  • NM86NM86 member
    So if neither side is willing to budge on the pick up time, what is the right thing to do?

    If we go by the ROFR and what's written in the papers, DH will need to drop SD off to Bm's house at 4:45am. It states that whoever's parenting time is it at the time will do the driving But since 4:45am is early for SD Everyone agrees that I will watch SD and then BM will pick her up at a more reasonable time. 10 for us willing to do 9 or 8 for BM.

    The pick up time for days like this have never been consistent. They used to be 9:30 BM liked to sleep on on her days off then it changed to 7. Then 8:30 for a while. Then it's been 8 for about a month.

    I know it seems like an hour is nothing, but I have some family things I need to take care of with my parents and 9 is the absolute earliest it can be. I hate when things have to be made into something more complicated then they are and I want BM to spend time with SDespecially since DH has her during the day time about 70 of the time but I can't be home and have SD ready to go until 9.

    There's no easy answer is there? I told BM she and DH will have to discuss it today she doesn't want to respond to my texts as soon as I said 9 is better so we shall see what they decide. I just wish they could set a specific time. But shouldn't the person watching SD at the time of the pick up have a little say in the time? What if it was a grandparent instead of me? Then for both DH and BM there wouldn't be a question. They'd go by the time the grandparent set because he/she is helping them out so SD doesn't have to be dropped off so early. So why is it different with me? I am flexible for the times that BM drops SD off to me in the mornings when she workswhich changes all the time so do I not get the same in return?

    I guess I just don't understand how it all works.
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  • NM86NM86 member
    Sorry for the format...I am posting from my phone.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    I have never heard of ROFR including step-parents and grandparents. In our CO, I have ROFR, but BD does not. When BD used to take DS on his CO'd EOWE, I always took DS when he had to work, even though his mom was there and BM2. Does anyone know if ROFR including SP's and grandparents makes a difference if the parents are 50/50 or one is CP and the other is EOWE?
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  • Holly_1007Holly_1007 member

    I guess have you told BM that you have something to do first thing in the morning? can she pick SD up BEFORE you do whatever it is you need to do? can you drop SD off with BM on your way to wherever you need to go? or have BM meet you there to pick up?

    I agree with you that 9 would be an ideal compromise, but sometimes BM's just don't want to compromise. I think I would let DH handle it though to be honest.  

                           
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  • NM86NM86 member
    DH and BM handled it. She will come get her at 9. But in the future when BM moves closer to us...she lives 20 mins away right now but is moving to be 510 mins away in November...DH will drop SD off at 5 am. Because that is so much better than 4:45...that was sarcastic btw.

    They are not very good at communicating and they are being rediculous. It looks like I will just have to pick her up 12 days a week in place of DH and then drop her off 1 day a week so that SD doesn't have to be up at 5am. It sucks because my poor DS has to be packed in the car for no reason and have his naps interrupted...all this sucks.

    I see it like this, I am free child care to BM on her 23 days a week. The least she can do is drive especially if its 510 mins away. Maybe when DH gets home and is calm, he can set up a set time. But again, these two can't compromise on somethingas small as a Halloween costume, I doubt they can do this.
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  • twister22twister22 member

    imageNM86:
    DH and BM handled it. She will come get her at 9. But in the future when BM moves closer to us...she lives 20 mins away right now but is moving to be 510 mins away in November...DH will drop SD off at 5 am. Because that is so much better than 4:45...that was sarcastic btw. They are not very good at communicating and they are being rediculous. It looks like I will just have to pick her up 12 days a week in place of DH and then drop her off 1 day a week so that SD doesn't have to be up at 5am. It sucks because my poor DS has to be packed in the car for no reason and have his naps interrupted...all this sucks. I see it like this, I am free child care to BM on her 23 days a week. The least she can do is drive especially if its 510 mins away. Maybe when DH gets home and is calm, he can set up a set time. But again, these two can't compromise on somethingas small as a Halloween costume, I doubt they can do this.

    Is the CO specific about which parent has to pick up/drop off SD when ROFR is being exercised? If not, I would have DH tell BM "I will be leaving for work tomorrow at 4:45 a.m. If you would like to exercise ROFR, you can pick her up from our home, and then I will pick her up from your home at X:XX." Generally, when a parent is starting their parenting time, they do the p/u. I don't see why ROFR should be any different. 

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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member

    I would get clarification through a lawyer.

    I hate ROFR clauses as well and glad our CO do not contain them. Like this weekend I know that my DD is going to her BD's parents house because they are going to be picking her up. While, sure I might like to have her at home, she spends a weekend with them every couple of months and that is all she sees them. So I can live without seeing her on a weekend that wouldn't have been mine anyway.

    A lot of times, we do activities with the boys separately from the girls and vice versa and have my ILs watch whomever is not coming with us. We do this to spend more one on one time with each kid. If we take 2 to six flags, we can alternate who we ride with easily and then the next trip we alternate. We do the same with movies, ect.  I can't imagine having to call the kids' BM and DD's BF everytime we decided to take the boys somewhere or call BM everytime we decide to take the girls somewhere without the boys.

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Just to add, if the child is not being watched by bioparent or stepparent depending on how it is written for more than four hours then the other parent is supposed to be asked if they want to have the child for that entire period, not just the in excess part. Think about it, if he were gone 4.5 hours and you did not allow her to get the child until 1/2 hour before he came back it would defeat the purpose. It is so the child can spend time with and bond with their parent and not someone else.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • NM86NM86 member
    imagetwister22:

    imageNM86:
    DH and BM handled it. She will come get her at 9. But in the future when BM moves closer to us...she lives 20 mins away right now but is moving to be 510 mins away in November...DH will drop SD off at 5 am. Because that is so much better than 4:45...that was sarcastic btw.

    They are not very good at communicating and they are being rediculous. It looks like I will just have to pick her up 12 days a week in place of DH and then drop her off 1 day a week so that SD doesn't have to be up at 5am. It sucks because my poor DS has to be packed in the car for no reason and have his naps interrupted...all this sucks.

    I see it like this, I am free child care to BM on her 23 days a week. The least she can do is drive especially if its 510 mins away. Maybe when DH gets home and is calm, he can set up a set time. But again, these two can't compromise on somethingas small as a Halloween costume, I doubt they can do this.

    Is the CO specific about which parent has to pick up/drop off SD when ROFR is being exercised? If not, I would have DH tell BM "I will be leaving for work tomorrow at 4:45 a.m. If you would like to exercise ROFR, you can pick her up from our home, and then I will pick her up from your home at X:XX." Generally, when a parent is starting their parenting time, they do the p/u. I don't see why ROFR should be any different. 



    Yes, the court order says whoever's parenting day it is, that is the parent who is responsible for picking up SD. But the issue they have is that he works early and so BM says she will pick up SD, but she doesn't like the time that I am able to do the pick up.

    DH said from now on he is going to tell BM, ' on my days I will pick her up from you at so and so time' if that doesn't work for you then you can drop her off to SM at a time that works for you. If I have to work and you'd like to exercise your ROFR, I will drop her off to you at so and so time. If that doesn't work for you then you can pick her up from SM at 9.'

    That seems easier and logical. It wouldn't be any different if he worked at 9am.

    It sucks that it just so happens to be early, but it is what it is.
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  • OoglybearOoglybear member
    imagewendilea:

    I despise ROFR clauses.  Unless it's going to be an extended time period, why can't the kid just stay at dad's house and do whatever with SM?  I've seen far too many instances where this clause is abused (ie we had a poster here where the BM wouldn't let the kid go to a baseball game with an uncle, because if DAD wasn't taking him, then she wanted ROFR).

    I believe TECHNICALLY she could get her at 5 am when your DH leaves for work.  Yay for everyone agreeing that is insane time for a custody transfer.  You may have to be flexible in your plans and get SD to her at 8.  I agree with PP that you need to get this cleared up in your CO.

    I pretty much agree with all this. ROFR is kind of a mess most of the time.

    FTR, while we have ROFR in the CO, it has never been a huge issue for us like this. We are 50/50, since PP asked...

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  • SchrodingerSchrodinger member

    imageNM86:
    Yes, the court order says whoever's parenting day it is, that is the parent who is responsible for picking up SD. But the issue they have is that he works early and so BM says she will pick up SD, but she doesn't like the time that I am able to do the pick up. DH said from now on he is going to tell BM, ' on my days I will pick her up from you at so and so time' if that doesn't work for you then you can drop her off to SM at a time that works for you. If I have to work and you'd like to exercise your ROFR, I will drop her off to you at so and so time. If that doesn't work for you then you can pick her up from SM at 9.' That seems easier and logical. It wouldn't be any different if he worked at 9am. It sucks that it just so happens to be early, but it is what it is.

    Get this ironed out in your next revision of the CO.  I also strongly suggest talking to a lawyer about using a Parenting Coordinator.  We had a number of issues like this that would pop up between DH and BM.  Its obviously not feasible to go to court over a two hour difference in pick up time, but this is where it is handy to have an arbitrator with binding power to make these small decisions.  Its really cut down on the fighting between DH and BM and their email exchanges have really toned down over the past year.

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • katie_cjkatie_cj member

    I technically have right of refusal but it doesn't include family or live in girlfriend.

    Our right of refusal is for over 8 hours and just means that I get to keep Jake instead of him being at a babysitter's. Family has never been included, meaning that I can have Jake stay with my parents instead of sending him to his dad's and vice versa. I also recently informally included my ex's live in girlfriend. 

    The over 8 hours is because we live 3 hours apart. It obviously doesn't make sense to travel that far unless it's for a significant amount of time. 

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