dealing with friends who don't have babies.

savannat421 · October 2012

so, i am the first of my "group" of friends to have a baby. we have recently sort of fallen out of touch due to school, work, etc. but we still talk via texts and facebook. however lately i feel like they don't understand that i'm too tired to go out or am busy getting baby stuff. i also feel like i am kinda left out of any girl's nights or conversations. (i'm also the first to get married). i love being married and being a soon-to-be mama, but i didn't think it would lead to me losing a lot of my friends too!

should i say something, or just wait and see how it goes once baby is here? they are all really excited about the LO, but i feel like they aren't as excited about...well, me. call me selfish, but i need some love too! haha. any advice?

Bambina54 · October 2012

I've found that no matter what you do, you're never going to have the same friendships as you once had. Priorities change. If you want to maintain certain levels of friendship, it can be done but it's going to be more work than it has been. Just my experience.

savannat421 · October 2012

hocus:
Friends are easy to slip away if you don't make the effort. Sure you're tired. We all get that. But your friends also have busy stuff going on too. If you want to remain friends with folks then you're going to have to make time to see them. In the early days I'd try to have them over to your place for dinner and a movie or a TV night. In the long term I'd try to plan a monthly girls night where you get out with out the baby. Even with 2 kids and full time work I try to get out and see my friends without the kids. My friends also spend time with the family which is nice but certainly not the same thing.

As for your friends not being excited about you. It is expected. They don't and will never understand what it is like to be pregnant. That's OK.

that's a really good idea, about the girls night. i am hitting an emotional phase so for some reason they've hurt my feelings recently. and i just saw them at my baby shower! it's probably something i'll work out once baby is here. thanks

WiscoMom67 · October 2012

You still have 8+ weeks (likely) before LO arrives, so I would try to have a girls night (or two) with them between now and then. Maybe you could host a girls night IN and do movies/board games/fondue/whatever with a comfy clothes/pajamas theme. It may sound dorky, but I've done this with friends and had a blast!

Your friends don't understand what you're going through right now, but that's not their fault. But in all likelihood, many of them will become moms, too. As the first mom of the group, you'll likely be someone they'll come to with questions!

Some of my friendships have changed since becoming a mom... I've become closer with other "mom" friends and have drifted away from one or two non-mom friends... It's only natural to gravitate towards those in similar life stages and with similar interests.

kateraid · October 2012

I am also the first one to be married/have babies. All my girlfriends live in condo's in the city and I am in my suburban townhouse and expecting. They get to go out and have fun every night and I am researching breastfeeding and colic. However, I wouldn't change it for the world. I guess it depends on the types of friendships you have with these ladies. For me, most of them I have known since elementary school. It's just hard to relate to each other at this point in time because I'm sure they couldn't imagine your life and you can't imagine theirs at this point. However, making an effort and getting together you can keep your friendships going. My one bestie was over last weekend helping me put together my stroller, she even taught me how to use it because I was clueless. Don't give up on them and do your best to make the effort, invite them over and go out for dinner even if you're tired because having friends will get you through those tough nights when you feel like all you've done all day is communicate in baby talk!!

mrsluckyjune · October 2012

Hi, I already had my babies but I was lurking and I wanted to say that I had the same issue. I'd wait it out and see what happens. Im my case I lost most of my unmarried/childless friends. We ended up being at different points in our lives. Also, my one friend (who was one of my bf) was very jealous, at least that's how it seems, and she went as far as to find any way possible to make me feel bad about my twin pregnancy. Just keep your head up and understand that some people without kids are selfish when they honestly don't mean to be. It's just hard to understand when you do not have children and are not married. If you do say something keep it sweet and use the good o'l "I" statements. GL

Bride-hilda · October 2012

My advice is to either

1. Get over it. It sucks, but that's what happens.

2. If you want to keep your friends you're going to have to go out of your way to keep them. You're going to have to initiate girls' night outs, and go out when you're tired.

LaurenGreen 904 · October 2012

When I got pregnant I started to notice my girlfriends didn't invite me to dinners or invite me to their houses when they were all hanging out. This of course hurt my feelings and I felt very isolated. It was like they thought I was contagious. But I told them how I was feeling and they reassured me they did not do it to hurt my feelings intentionally but just assumed because I was pregnant I would be too tired or sick or busy to come hang out. Sometimes this was true of course but now they always ask and I no longer feel left out. And I assured them that even though I may not want to hang out all the time and would rather catch up on sleep, doesn't mean I don't want to see them. The best way to resolve hurt feelings is to talk about it. I'm sure your friends would never intentionally want to hurt you! Good luck girl!

savannat421 · October 2012

thanks you guys

i've talked to one of my friends already and she apologized for anything she's done so far, even though she didn't realize she was doing it. i've really just come to the assumption that i am crazy as well haha. i'm sure once LO gets here, i'll make more "mom" friends. my childbirth classes start tomorrow, so i'm going to try and expand my mommy horizons

Taylor11 · October 2012

Bambina54:
I've found that no matter what you do, you're never going to have the same friendships as you once had. Priorities change. If you want to maintain certain levels of friendship, it can be done but it's going to be more work than it has been. Just my experience.

This exactly. I actually found the time after having my DD was an excellent time to weed out those 'friends' who were negative, brought nothing but drama, and didn't reciprocate or make an effort to be a part of my life! I cleaned house for lack of a better term or as I tell DH

I have now narrowed down my once large group of girlfriends, to a smaller, more intimate crowd... and have never been happier or more content! We still have fun girl trips, weekends, and I'm able to find common ground with my few friends who don't have kids, and our friendships are still very strong. I would also make an effort to meet other mommy friends in your area. I have met some fabulous, amazing women through mommy groups who have toddlers DD's age, and it's been awesome to bond and chatter about kiddo things. Topics my non kid friends don't really enjoy chatting about

Kingston54 · October 2012

I found I lost touch with my friends who weren't married when I got married. They were still going out to the bars every weekend and couldn't understand why I didn't want to join them and spend $50 every Friday night to get bombed and be hung over the next day.

It was even more-so when I got pregnant because they didn't have much interest/care. Sad but I gained a lot of new friends that do have kids that way.

I never said anything, maybe I should've. My advice would just be to make efforts to stay in touch. It's a two way street though

magnoliablossom00 · October 2012

Bride-hilda:
My advice is to either
1. Get over it. It sucks, but that's what happens.
2. If you want to keep your friends you're going to have to go out of your way to keep them. You're going to have to initiate girls' night outs, and go out when you're tired.

Agreed. I'm the first of my friends to have kids and it sucks. They.just.don't.get.it. I have lost some friendships because I'm just over it. I don't care about the latest hollywood gossip or the bar-scene. That all seems really stupid and shallow to me now. I have kept the few child-less friends that I want, and we try to get together every few weeks/months. I try really hard not to only talk about my kids and being a mom (which is hard, especially since I sah), but I figure one day they will be caught up and I want to still be friends.

bgf1 · October 2012

You either:

Decide these are friendships that have run their course and move on. Or do your best to nurture these relationships now and after the baby is born. It is not realistic to think that your friends will suddenly become fascinated with everything baby. If you value the friendships make an effort to go out to events that are not too late or too wild. After the baby comes you will be glad to have these friends to connect you to a world that doesn't revolve around spit up, and dirty diapers, and you will rest assured make new mom friends to share your new experiences with.

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