For those who adopted over age 2

jillianmb · October 2012

When did you start visiting? Either having visitors in your home or going places to visit other people? Due to DH's job, we visit a LOT, typically going to someone's house from our church for dinner once or twice per week. I know we need to keep things quit and low key for bonding and we will not be using a babysitter etc for a few months, but what about visiting when he is still with us- is that okay?

We're meeting with an attachment specialist in a few weeks to ask these questions too, but I'd love to hear what others did and whether or not it worked for them. Thanks!

CaptainSerious · October 2012

Well, with both our children, we lived with them for a while in Peru (4 weeks with M, 3 weeks with J) before coming home. This is not counting the time we spent visiting them at the orphanage before we were granted custody.

When we got home, we introduced them to local friends almost right away, but almost always in our friends' homes or a "neutral" location. If anyone came to our home, it was never for longer than a few hours at most, and was almost always for a meal with a clear defined ending. That way, they learned who comprised our family and lived with us, and that our home was just that--ours--and no one else had claim to it.

With J it was easier, because he was just much more easy-going about the entire transition. It helped a lot that he saw M and how well the change suited him, and he took all his cues from M (still does).

It was hard for our families, because they all live far enough away that they usually stay with us when they visit (or we stay overnight when we visit), so they couldn't meet the boys for quite some time. We didn't have overnight visitors for at least 3 months.

We didn't leave M with a babysitter for 6 months! With J, again, it went much quicker, because he got used to our nanny (who I still needed to watch M part-time) and never had any problems attaching to us.

jillianmb · October 2012

CaptainSerious:
Well, with both our children, we lived with them for a while in Peru (4 weeks with M, 3 weeks with J) before coming home. This is not counting the time we spent visiting them at the orphanage before we were granted custody.

When we got home, we introduced them to local friends almost right away, but almost always in our friends' homes or a "neutral" location. If anyone came to our home, it was never for longer than a few hours at most, and was almost always for a meal with a clear defined ending. That way, they learned who comprised our family and lived with us, and that our home was just that--ours--and no one else had claim to it.

With J it was easier, because he was just much more easy-going about the entire transition. It helped a lot that he saw M and how well the change suited him, and he took all his cues from M (still does).

It was hard for our families, because they all live far enough away that they usually stay with us when they visit (or we stay overnight when we visit), so they couldn't meet the boys for quite some time. We didn't have overnight visitors for at least 3 months.

We didn't leave M with a babysitter for 6 months! With J, again, it went much quicker, because he got used to our nanny (who I still needed to watch M part-time) and never had any problems attaching to us.

Thanks the part that I bolded is really helpful. I have not thought about it like that before and probably would have actually thought the opposite would be better: to have people visit here instead of going out. But making our home a sort of "sanctuary" is a good idea.

SoSweet06 · October 2012

DS was 5.5...We landed in the U.S. five days before Christmas, and we did pretty much everything "wrong." We took our son everywhere with us from the very beginning but significantly limited people in our home (did not have anyone there for 6 months). We did NOT allow anyone to hold him, hug him, give him food, etc. He was pretty much required to be within 6 feet of myself or his dad so that we were able to meet his needs. Attachment has been a slow road, but I don't think it would have been significantly improved if we had been more secluded. Actually, the greatest leaps in attachment happened when we were staying with family and he was able to see that there was a difference between parents and extended family, even though we were together often.

When we do this again, we will probably do the same thing but maybe be a little more strict since kiddo #2 is most likely going to be younger (and, therefore, more likely to put off the "pick me up" vibe).

miss1180 · October 2012

our son was 21 months when he came home, so close enough to 2 :-) i really think it depends on the child.

our son really had an easy transition, and took to DH and I right away. he started right off looking to us for food, comfort, entertainment, etc. my parents watched our dog while we were in Korea getting us... so they came about 4 days after we got home to bring our dog back (we wanted Cole to get used to having the dog around right off the bat). My parents only stayed a few hours that time.

My ILs live 5 hours away, and usually stay 3 nights when they come. they came for the first time about 10 days after we got back, and stayed for 2 nights. I REALLY REALLY wanted to wait a little bit longer to have over night guests.... but this is their first grandchild. DH is their only child, too, so Cole may be their only grandchild. I just felt guilty making them wait too long to meet him... and since Cole was doing really well, we decided to just make it a shorter visit for the first time. It went well, but we did have to remind them to back off a couple times (they were trying to help us out by feeding Cole and things like that)

Friends started coming maybe 2 weeks after we got back?? I can't remeber, but it wasn't too long. We had them over one couple at a time to keep it slow and calm. Cole did really well, so it worked out.

Cole has been home just about 2 months and i still feel like hes very well attached to DH and i... so I don't feeel like we made a mistake letting people come so quickly. Take your cues from your child i think is the way to go

Robby6 · October 2012

DS was 23 months when he came home. I SAH the first 9 weeks and during that time we only took him to our baby shower party and out to lunch twice to meet up with friends/family. No one came over to our house for the first 5-6 months probably and no babysitters during that time either. Only DH, myself or daycare provider was allowed to change or bathe him. Grandparents werent allowed to provide any care either. I was a little hardcore about it, but had done TONS of research, especially because DS had 4 sets/groups of caregivers prior to us, including two different orphanages. DS is now wonderfully attached to DH and myself, but I would say it took a good 9-12 months to feel "typical/normal". In the beginning he would readily go up to strangers for attention, chats, hugs, etc. I think your best plan will depend on your own child's history, needs, and personality.

jillianmb · October 2012

Thanks ladies this is really helpful. I am eager to see how he responds to us and others and will take my cues from him.

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