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Blended Families
CFjo2010
member
S/O Phantom's Disillusionment (long)
CFjo2010
member
I know this topic was touched on awhile ago in Phantom's post, and I'm quite glad it was. I've been feeling myself pull away more and more lately, and having Phantom post that she realized she was pulling away kind of made me feel less like an evil SM for doing it.
This last month I really just have no desire to do as much for/with K as I used to. She hasn't changed at all. But the constant battle with BM over every tiny little thing is wearing on me, and my husband's "oh well" attitude about a lot of it is leading to some resentment. Let me clarify, I don't resent K at all. It's not her fault that BM is a control freak and refuses to let K have a meaningful relationship with my husband, me and my kids. It's not K's fault that BM is so disturbingly co-dependent on K that it interferes with everything we try and do with K. And it's not K's fault that my husband prefers to not make waves and just ignores the comments and fights from BM. But I'm tired. Really tired.
For the last 2 years I've been the one who takes K to karate every Tuesday and Thursday. K always wants to come to my son and daughter's football and cheer practice and games with me. I made an effort to plan fun stuff to do with K and my daughter on the weekends K is with us. But this past month, I don't want to. I'm irritated about taking K to practice every Tuesday and Thursday and my husband not getting home from work until it's time to pick K up from practice. Now when she asks if she can come with me to the kids' practices, I tell her she sould spend time with Daddy and hang out at the house. She hasn't complained yet, and she seems happy to stay at the house with my husband and read books but I'm feeling crappy about it.
Last night I said the words that every SM hates saying: "She's not my kid". I had taken my daughter to get her Halloween costume and she was showing my husband. He asked why I didn't wait to do it this weekend when we have K and I told him that I didn't want to keep putting K in the position where we buy her something that BM turns around and doesn't let her use (examples: school supplies, the backpack, the accessories for the Father-Daughter dance, previous Halloween costumes we've bought for her, etc.) and then she's upset. He says, "Well you could have talked to me about it first". I told him, "That's something you need to discuss with BM. She's not my child so it's not my decision.". The words were out of my mouth before I even realized I said them.
And ya know what? I don't regret saying them. I'm really tired of being put in the middle of his dealings with BM. I'm tired of trying to nurture a relationship with K that BM is so obviously against and constantly defending myself. And I'm tired of my husband just assuming that I'll keep doing all these things when he has yet to step up and defend me when BM flips out. I know it's a DH problem, I get that. And maybe after the baby is born and I'm less hormonal I'll feel better about the situation. But for right now, I'm just tired of all of this.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: S/O Phantom's Disillusionment (long)
I totally understand. Bm's mom has thrown away 2 brand new pairs of shoes we bought for SS so we decided we aren't buying any more shoes, she clearly wants to buy them, so she can buy them. After the first pair went "missing" I told SS that the next pair was a trial and if he could not "lose them" for the school year he could get a very expensive pair that he really wanted by the summer.
2 weeks after that he came home with a different pair of shoes and happily reported that his grandma threw out the second pair and bought him a newer pair, I asked if he mentioned our deal about "not losing the shoes" and he said no he was just excited to get something new, so I explained to SS we are not going to buy him the expensive pair because he couldn't take care of the ones he had.
I think you and Dh need to get on the same page though that's what saves Dh and I no matter how much of a jerk Bm or her side of the family act, we are always on the same page with our responses. It saves me a lot of angry/upset feelings
It's my own fault that my husband expects I'll do these types of things with the girls together. There's only a 2 year age gap, and to be honest I have always done these types of things with them jointly. My daughter and K have always asked to shop together, and it just seemed like the best thing to do for them. But now, I just don't want to. I know the motto is: "Do what's best for the child", but lately I'm tired of being dumped on for trying to do what's best for K. That makes me sound awful, I own that, but I'm not fond of bending over backwards to do all this stuff for this little girl and then have her mother throw a fit and pick a fight and have my husband not defend me. If BM thinks she can handle everything and is doing a better job than I am, then frigging go for it.
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I have a DH problem too. He just doesn't back me up. I'm at home with SD 90% of the time. He works 2 jobs and so normally it's just me, DD, and SD. SD has rules/chores but I'm the only one that enforces them so I'm the only one that punishes, but again I'm usually the only one around. If I punish SD for something, or not doing something, DH usually lets her do whatever it is that I took away, ie, didn't finish dinner no dessert and DH gives her dessert anyway so she doesn't think she has to finish dinner ever and can just ask DH and he will give it to her. I have just stopped asking her to do things and just let her do whatever. I just don't care anymore because DH doesn't back me up so I have no authority. We are going to counseling because I'm done and I told DH that something had to be fixed. I think when we do too much they just stop trying.
I also have stopped taking SD places with me on the weekends because she doesn't listen and I'm tired of telling her to do whatever 500 times. I had to take her to the store with me this week and I can't tell you how many times I had to ask her to stop knocking things off the shelf. She knocked gallons of water off the shelf and they spilled everywhere. I was so embarrassed. I told her no tv that night and no playing outside with the neighbor. I tell DH and he said I was too hard on her and let her watch tv that night. I said I was done and from now on she wouldn't be going anywhere with me. It's just too much stress for me and with 2 of them it's just too much. I leave SD at home with DH and take DD with me. They can spend some 1 on 1 time together.
Jo, don't beat yourself up. I understand how you feel. It gets tiring after awhile. DH and I have been married for 8 years. At first, I was all about standing up and not letting BM walk all over us. Now, she has mellowed out some. But sometimes they get into it and I am just tired in my old age I guess. It takes its toll on you after awhile. You feel like why should I do this anymore when my good intentions are just going to create drama and hurt? I can only imagine how it is for you because your BM is 10 times worse than mine. LOL! Just take a deep breath, this too shall pass..... At least that is what I keep telling myself :-)
I feel ya Jo.. I've been here for a while. I try my hardest not to take it out on SD, but BM is just out control, and of course I am completely disengaged from her, so I can't help but want to separate myself from the ENTIRE situation (SD included).
When DH went to pick up SD last weekend she started crying in the car because she didn't want to leave her mom. when he got to the house I could see SD had been crying and honestly, I had zero desire to coddle and comfort her. that sounds awful, but really? its not my fault BM is never around when SD is at her house. its not like our schedule or routine has changed, SD knows she comes to our house on certain days. I just really didn't want to deal with it at all.
now I just need to figure out how to get over this hurdle.....
The answer to that question eludes me at this time. I hope it gets back to where it was, but for right now I'm just really detached and disengaged.
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