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How can I say this politely??

sld5711sld5711 member
in Blended Families

So my DH just texted me asking me if I could look into some activities SD can get into.  First let me fill you in on a little back story.  I have signed SD up for EVERY activity she has been in and paid for all but one tumbling class.  SD mom is active in her life they share 50/50 custody and she spends every other week with each parent.  This summer after once again signing up, paying for, and getting all information ready for T-ball and not getting even a thank you for doing this I decided that I had enough.  SD's mom has the exact same kind of job that do so she can take her time and sign SD up for these activities too but has yet to take the initiative.  DH has a busy work schedule but he gets home early enough that he could also look this stuff up at home if need be.

So my question is how do I say politely that DH needs to talk to BM about signing their daughter up for activities and not continuously relaying on me to do it and then having to ask her what she thinks before I sign her up.  I guess I am just frustrated with their complete lack of communication and not even attempting to work together on getting their child into extra curriculars. I hate to seem like that bratty SM (and I am sure I will get flamed for this) but I just dont understand how neither of them seem want to work together.  Neither of them have problems reaping the benefits of SD doing these things but they dont want to take the effort to make sure she does get to do it.

Maybe I am just getting myself worked up for nothing because I am uncomfortable and exhausted but I just want a way to basically say "both of you need to suck up your pride and talk and make sure that your DD is your top proirity and that you take responsibility in making sure she gets to do the fun things that kids her age are doing!"

BFP 11/23/11...CP 11/29/11 BFP 12/28/11...Natural MC 1/19/12 BFP 2/22/12...EDD 11/2/12 new EDD 10/28/2012 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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Re: How can I say this politely??

  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member

    This is what you say, "While I appreciate that you value my input on these activities, I really feel that you, SD and BM need to discuss it first and then let me know what's decided.  That way both parents are on board and SD sees you 2 working together."  The end.  If he refuses to do it, then SD doesn't get signed up.  I know it's hard to remove yourself when it could potentially impact SD, but at times you have to.  I know I did.  Later when SD isn't signed up for anything, remind DH that you told him to check with BM and get back to you.  It's ok to say "no" and let the bio-parents figure stuff out on their own. 

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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member

    I find myself in this boat more than I'd like to admit. 

    I had some counseling awhile back and we talked about this being a trap.  We say "You should do this for yourself if it's important to you." and then wind up doing it anyway because they take too long to do it or say they don't know how (this is with our kids, our husbands, our co-workers, anyone).  But then we end up feeling like we do all the work, we're unappreciated, and these other people just generally suck.

    I would send back "X, Y, Z are the websites I go to to find the schedules and rates.  Let me know what you and BM think would be best."

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    imagejobalchak:

    This is what you say, "While I appreciate that you value my input on these activities, I really feel that you, SD and BM need to discuss it first and then let me know what's decided.  That way both parents are on board and SD sees you 2 working together."  The end.  If he refuses to do it, then SD doesn't get signed up.  I know it's hard to remove yourself when it could potentially impact SD, but at times you have to.  I know I did.  Later when SD isn't signed up for anything, remind DH that you told him to check with BM and get back to you.  It's ok to say "no" and let the bio-parents figure stuff out on their own. 

    This is great advice, especially considering jobalchak is both a BM and SM, and as a SM they have her SK about 50/50 as well. 

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  • Amores0121Amores0121 member
    You do not sound like a bratty SM!! I think you sound like a wonderful SM.  I agree with other PPs...just let him know that him & BM need to do this and get back to you.  I am sure he asked you because by now he just expects that you will do it.  IMO you need to leave it up to them this time. It's not your job.  If I want to sign my DD up for something, I don't ask MH (he is DD's SD) to do it. I ask his opinion and let him know the cost and what he thinks, but I don't expect him to do it.


    BFP #1 ended in MMC. Discovered Oct 2005 @10w5d, baby stopped growing around 6w. D&C.
    BFP#2 Nov 2005. Baby's heart stopped @ 8w3d. D&C Jan 2006. Trisomy 18
    BFP#3 Nov 2006. My "miracle baby" DD born 7/25/07
    BFP #4 11/6/12. EDD 7/16/13~my birthday! No sac found @ 5w1d, betas not increasing. Natural m/c started 11/20/12.

    BFP#5 11/9/13.  EDD 7/21/14  Our beautiful rainbow born on his due date!!

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  • Ginger516Ginger516
    Why should YOUR husband have to ask another woman to do a favor for HIM?  Is he incapable of looking up something for his own kid? How about you tell him to do it himself instead of relying on any woman.
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