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JoJoGee
member
Need to get this off my chest
JoJoGee
member
In general, I'd say I'm a pretty happy person. I try really hard not to let Lily's long list of issues get me down. And, generally, I'm pretty thankful and happy with my lot. I mean, things could be a lot worse. But, then there are days like today...
DH has a cousin who's 19. We don't interact with him regularly, because he lives out of state, but we keep in touch with him over facebook. And, really, it is probably good that we don't live close to him, because well... he's a brat. I mean, he picks fight with his girlfriend on facebook, his status updates are either very negative, or they are really passive agressive, and on more than one occasion different members of the family have told him to put his big boy pants on and STFU.
Well, currently, this cousin lives with his girlfriend. She doesn't work, he is always between jobs, they are constantly fighting and they can't even pay rent. So, what's the one thing they need? Well, a baby of course!
And, after 9 months, their daughter was born yesterday. She is a beautiful, full term 8lb 19inch bondle of joy and all I can think is that they don't deserve her.
I've lost two babies. Then, Lily was born 14 weeks early. And, there is no getting around the fact that she would not have the problems she has today if my body wouldn't have failed her. MY DAUGHTER SUFFERS BECAUSE I FAILED HER. And, it's not fair.
I've learned how to be happy for other women who are pregnant... even really big, uncomfortable full-term women. I've made peace with the fact that I was robbed of the typical pregnancy and birth experiences. But, with each birth, I am reminded of how I have failed my daughter. Their joy becomes the source of my pain, and I am tired of it.
I really want to be happy for DH's cousin (even if he is a brat). I really want to be supportive of them and their new family, since I know they will need it. But, I can't. And, I am so afraid that I will never get over these feelings of resentment.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need to get this off my chest
I also want to give you a hug.
Big hugs to you! I completely understand where you're coming from. My ds was born 7 weeks early ( although not 14) and I've had two losses, both girls - one at 17 weeks and the other at 29 weeks. I feel horrible, because most of the time when I hear someone is pregnant or delivered normally, my first thought is usually jealousy. It's a horrible feeling, to feel that the reason your baby thrived enough to come home from the hospital was the work of nurses and doctors, not your own body.
It even feels like a double whammy, because after all we've been through with the nicu experience, now even the "normal" day to day stuff is more challenging.
I'm of the belief that sometimes you have to do whatever you need to, to make yourself feel better. If that means unsubscribing on Facebook then go ahead.
Big hugs.
I am in the same boat. Ari was born missing most of her brain and i sound exactly like you. I was so mad I did everything right and all of these other people who do drugs, cant get their *** together, ect have perfect babies. Watching "I didnt know I was pregnant" and seeing women give birth in toilettes and they are perfectly fine enrages me.
But, heres how I try to look at things. After I get past that feeling of my heart breaking a little each time I see a healthy birth, I just look at Ari and am so thankful for her DX or no DX. Sometimes Its hard for me to say I wouldnt want her to had been born like that or else she would be a completely different person.
Also, I look at these people I deem "not fit" as a parent and you have to think.....what kind of parent would they be for a child like ours..? They would not be able to keep up with her 7 doctors, her contant blood work, her constant therapies, the research involved.. You have to remember you were chosen for a reason and embrace it
((hugs))
I struggle with similar feelings in regards to Lauren's heart. I hate that I couldn't grow a healthy baby when complete morons have healthy kids. You are not alone.
Well said Auntie!
Anyway, big hugs to you. I completely understand how you feel.
{{hugs}}
I completely understand how you feel. I feel similarly - more in terms of I shouldn't have waited so long to have children. Maybe it was because I was too old but then I see women older than me having perfectly "normal" children and I, like you, want to be happy for them, but end up thinking "why not me?"
FWIW, I don't think you failed your daughter. You would've failed her if you didn't rise to the challenge of raising her. She's lucky to have YOU as a mother. Imagine if she'd had THEM?
You don't need to rationalize emotions. They are valid on their own merit.
I am sad you are feeling this way.
{{{HUGS}}}
We are all here for you - and you are 100% allowed to feel the way you do. I would suggest to avoid any issues, I would keep my distance from them. If you have to interact with them, keep it to a minimal.
Remember, that just because there aren't physical handicaps present, does not mean there won't be mental issues or financial issues later in life for that child or their siblings. Clearly there is a lot of instability and reliability present from the parents.
I pray they get their act together soon, for the sake of their child & the childs future..
Cam 6.6.10 - Autism, Global Developmental Delay, Mixed Receptive/Expressive Communication Disorder