Pity Party

ALF222 · October 2012

Read at your own risk - this is rambling and wallowing in self pity.

I just feel so responsible for everything right now. My H is having a really hard time at work, so I'm taking up the slack at home, with Julia, and with everything, in addition to my crazy job. He started to see a counselor to deal with his work stuff, but also with Julia's special needs. Except he keeps rescheduling his appointments because stuff comes up a work, but then is miserable all the time because he's not doing anything to help himself. It's a viscous cycle that just isn't getting better despite all of my talking to him about how important it is that he take care of himself and how much Julia needs him to be well. He's miserable and stressed all the time, so I try to not to burden him with other stuff that needs doing and just do it myself. So, I spent an hour picking up the cat up at the vet yesterday, I coordinated getting the cat pee cleaned from our brand new carpet, I made him go out tonight so he could blow off some steam, I went to get groceries since Julia was almost out of milk, etc. The one thing I can't do and have asked him repeatedly to do (call about a refinance on our house), he just keeps "forgetting" to do. I know I need to talk to him about sharing the responsibility better, but he already doesn't have enough time to get everything done and his initial reaction is always defensiveness, which I just don't have the energy to deal with right now. We have seen a family counselor together, but neither of us feels like we are getting much out of it - she mostly just validates our feelings without giving us anything concrete to work on.

There are time when I really wonder if our marriage can survive this.

If you made it this far, you deserve a gold star. Sorry for the pity party.

covertxxamour · October 2012

I don't have any advice, but all I can say is keep trying. Your marriage can survive this. Just keep communication open, but you know that. I really wanted to comment just to give you some hugs. I will keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers though, and wish you the best. Hugs!

linzica · October 2012

i have been there minus the special needs child. H works too much, doesn't take care of himself. We've gotten counseling that at least allowed us a better understanding and communication. Before we had Q his job was sucking his soul out. I can't imagine how hard it is to manage all of your daughters needs on top of everything else. I am sorry.

Advice- if its relevant- re access what you need to live. If he hates his job, find a way to cut corners so that he can quit and find a new one. If its impossible than find a new therapist. Yours apparently sucks.

Something has gotta give though. No body can do it all, in a relationship and in a family. Not all the time. You need to figure out what can be cut out. If its homecooked meals or housework,or whatever, fine it so that you have your time for your peace of mind.

Best of luck. I am thinking and praying for your family.

T&HLove · October 2012

I'm sorry, ALF. I can't imagine how hard it must be to try and work on a marriage with all of the stuff you are both already dealing with. The good thing is, you both WANT to work on it. I'm sure your marriage can make it through with a little determination from both of you. Your marriage has taken an understandable hit. I hope you can find another therapist, maybe?

JKGymnast · October 2012

Great advice Linz.

And big hugs Alf... To Julie and your DH as well.

ALF222 · October 2012

Thanks ladies! I did talk well, cry to my H when he got home. He felt bad and is willing to help more. No good solutions yet but I was thinking that maybe I should get my own counselor to work on asking for help, accepting it more, and then not feeling guilty about it. So, thanks for listening.

sunflwr0911 · October 2012

I don't have any advice, but want to send some (((hugs))).

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