attattaching w an out of state preemie

heaven22tw · October 2012

My dd and I have finally met. While I absolutely love her already I feel like I'm lacking attachment bc I can only hold her one hr. can anyone fill me in on there bonding and how it developed:) any suggestions to help our attachment with our situation...we have to go home tomorrow already and i so don't want to.

kgs0505 · October 2012

I had a hard time bonding with my son, and he wasn't a preemie. Until he really started smiling around 7-8 weeks, it was tough. I think I was still in shock that someone gave me a baby. And newborns are hard, they don't give anything back for a long time. But after that point, bonding was no problem. It's not always instantaeous, even with bio kids. So, don't put too much pressure on yourself, you will become bonded to her and vice versa.

ellekae · October 2012

If it helps... when my DD was born (bio), they handed her to me, and I remember thinking, "Holy crap." I loved her, of course, in that abstract way that you love a kid, but I still felt like she could be anyone's baby even though I had literally just pushed her out of me.

For the first 3 weeks or so, I had this weird feeling on anticipation like her "real parents" were going to come get her... like I was babysitting or something. PPs are right. Even with bio kids, attachment takes time. It may be a while until you can really bond with your new daughter because you can't hold her for very long, but, the first time no one can get her to stop crying until she snuggles into you, it will start to happen.

Breathe in her smell. Give her something of yours in the crib if you are allowed. A stuffed animal, a small blanket, a shirt you wore... it will help her to remember your smell. Start counting the things that you know about her that no one else knows?little noises she makes... the way she wrinkles her nose or tilts her head...

It will come!

Praying for you!

CaptainSerious · October 2012

Give it time. It will come, and when it does, it will come in stages.

I'm in love with both my boys, and have been since before I met them, but attachment wasn't easy. As is typical with older children adoption, it took us months to really feel completely bonded to M, and even though J's been with us for 7 months now, we're still in process. They are my world and I love them more than anything else in the world, but there's a two-way connection that has to be formed before you are fully bonded to a child, and as disheartening as that can sometimes feel, that simply takes time.

Hang in there, spend whatever time you can with her, and follow all the typical guidelines about holding her, skin-on-skin contact, making and holding eye contact, meeting her needs, and playing together. Be patient, kind to yourself, and trust that it will come in time. Unfortunately, there's no speeding this process.

ETA: Don't stress about not being able to hold her right now. I know it's sad and not what you wanted, but it's what she needs to get and stay healthy. All the holding and touching can come later. I guarantee you that delaying the attachment will not mean she won't be able to attach to you (and vise versa). It may take a little longer than a biological baby and mother who get to cuddle right off the bat, but it will happen.

MrsMcC.10409 · October 2012

Congrats on your brand new daughter!

I don't know if this will help, as I have no experience at all in this arena. However, if I ever bring home an adopted infant, i plan on wearing him/her skin to skin as much as possible for as long as possible to help establish the kind of early bond/recognition newborns might have with their birth mother. (sound of voice, heart rythym, etc) As far as you bonding with her - I imagine that will come with time. Once the shock and (I imagine) the disbelief that you can keep her wears off, and as you get to know her, her schedule, and her cues you will feel more bonded to her.

Best of luck, and congrats again!

heaven22tw · October 2012

thank you all I feel so much better

msditz00 · October 2012

My first son bio was a preemie. It SUCKS having a child in the NICU. I'm so sorry you are going through this, expecially being so far away.
Don't be hard on yourself about not feeling attatched. It is so hard to feel like the child is yours when there are nurses and doctors telling you when you can hold/change/ feed her. Then when you take into account "feedings" in the beginning are through feeding tubes, and it seems like you never get to really just sit back and enjoy your child. But just do what you can do when you have the oppurtunity to see her, stress to the nurses that you want to do kangaroo care as much as they will let you. Pick a song that you sing to her over and over she will start to find comfort in it. Maybe get a recording of you singing it for the nurses to play for her.
Really, whatever it takes for you to get through this time do it. And please post updates whenever you get them. In the NICU every single step forward, no matter how small, is something to brag about! I will check back often hoping for updates.

BTW on my phone, sorry if there aren't paragraphs. I tried.

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