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Blended Families
last names
Hi ladies, I have a question I am hoping some of you can help me with. I'll try to give just a quick background so that it makes sense.
I have a 4 year old SD that lives out of state. My DH and her mother were never married and SD has her mother's maiden name as her last name. When her mom remarried, she tried to get my husband to give up his rights and let her new husband adopt SD. DH said no. She then asked permission to change SD's last name to her and her husband's last name, but DH also said no to this. He was very worried that doing so would be another way to distance SD from him. Even though she doesn't have DH's last name, giving her her SF's last name may give her the impression that he is her "real" dad. They don't call him her step-dad anyway, him and my H are both "dad" to her (and they more often than not refer to my H by his first name) and I don't think they explain these relationships to her any further than that. So, anyway, that is why DH was very resistant to this idea. They have dropped it since.
We just recently went to visit SD, and she is really growing up. It was a rough visit, and I think my DH realized we are not at all raising her, we can't, she lives too far away. We are basically just fun visitors. He see's that her mom and step-dad are raising her and when we're not there, she needs to feel like part of her family. I think all of this has made him reconsider getting her last name changed. My DH went through a similar experience as a child, however his step-father adopted him and his last name changed to match his family's when he was 6 years old. He is relating the experiences and feels he may have felt left out or confused if he didn't have the same last name as his mom and dad, and doesn't want SD to feel this way. He doesn't want to give up his rights at all, but is considering letting them change SD's last name to her step-dad's. Do you think this is a good idea? He is going to consult his lawyer before doing anything, but I was wondering what you guys thought and if you have any experience in this. Thanks!
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Re: last names
Sadly, no chance. Even if we did, they would fight us with everything they have to not have normal shared custody. They love that we live so far away and can only make it every so often. They like to pretend that step-dad is SD's real father and that my H doesn't exist. We would really ruin that if we moved in next door!
Not that that is the reason, but no, we will probably never be in closer proximity to her. SD's mother is the one that moved away from H and neither of us want to leave all of our family and our jobs to move there.
I hadn't thought about what would happen if they end up divorced. This is definitely a good point. Thank you, I am going to bring this up with H!
Definitely get a CO, and you should definitely have SD as much as possible - every spring break, 1-2 months in the summer, EO Thanksgiving break, and 1/2 of Christmas break.
As far as the name thing, if I were your DH, I wouldn't sign anything. BM and SF are trying their HARDEST to ostracize SD from DH, and it seems like they are partially succeeding. I would see DH signing the name thing over as throwing in the towel.
We do have a CO. It's a crappy one though. When DH agreed to it, they had been keeping him from his daughter for 11 months. I think he would've agreed to anything to see her. In practice, we've realized it sucks even more. They are supposed to go back to mediation in July of 2013, so we plan on working out the kinks then. Currently, we do not have her for any longer than a weekend and the travel is one-sided. In July when she turns 5, she can start coming here to us. This is why mediation will be needed. We need to work out how long we get her and when.
I think my DH is trying to think of SD with the whole last name thing. He doesn't want her to be confused or left out of her family. I tend to think like PP, and not want to give in to BM and SF. But, I guess thats not really fair to SD. I dont know!
I think your DH is bailing because it's easier than fighting.
He needs to man up and lawyer up and fight for as much time as he can get. And he needs to figure out how to be more of a father to her at a distance.
Either he wants to be her dad, or he doesn't. In my opinion, as a parent, you do what you have to do. No excuses. If by chance H ever got custody of DD, I'd go to the ends of the earth to be closer to her.
My STBX may be high tailing it 4-5 states away - my guess it will be within the next year. I as a parent will have to find a way to fill that void. If H doesn't do it, someday another guy will. Your DH needs to step it up and prove his desire to be her father.
Two things:
1) Mediation should not start in July when you are supposed to start seeing her. BM will postpone things as long as possible, not agreeing to anything, and making it take a year or more before SD can even come to you. If you want to mediate with BM, I would start now.
2) I wouldn't mediate with this selfish person. She will agree to nothing but the bare minimum - she clearly does not want DH in SD's life. She would be over-the-moon if DH disappeared and SF could step in completely as SD's dad. I would file and go to court now to get laid out what visitation will look like when SD turns 5. Wherever the CO is I would find the best attorney in the area and fight to get SD as often as possible and to make BM do at least half the driving (IMO she should do more because she is the one who moved away, but that's not usually how it works out.) Your DH shouldn't give up - if he wants to be a dad, he needs to fight for his daughter.
I don't quite understand how my DH is bailing out by trying to consider his daughter's feelings. That is wonderful that you will do anything to be near your SD, but that's just not possible for every single family. It does not mean we don't love her or that we don't try, it means it's just not that easy. I asked a question about allowing SD to change her last name, not about our CO, not about our time with her nor about giving up any rights. So, I don't really follow. It will be a very sad day for my DH is he agrees to change his daughter's name. I know for a fact that it will bring him to tears. If he agrees to do it, it is because in his heart, he thinks it will make her happiest and make her life easiest. She currently does not have my H's last name, or else he would never consider it. He remembers being in a situation similar to hers and how he felt. I think he's being a GREAT father by considering her feelings and how this may affect her, instead of just disagreeing to spite her mom and SF. I just wanted some insight on what may come of this and I got some great advice from PP, such as what if her mom & SF get divorced? I had not thought of this and appreciated it. I did not ask for judgment because we can't uproot our lives to be near SD. But thanks anyway.
That is so sad, and sadly, I think BM wishes she could tell SD that her dad was dead or that he doesn't want her. Yes, most parents would dread telling these things to their child, but I really think BM wishes she could. That is awful and I am sorry.
I agree with Twister about moving up the mediation in order to have it sorted out in time to get her when we are supposed to. That makes sense. July 2013 is just the scheduled date we have (it was scheduled at the last mediation) and neither of us had thought about moving it up. Not a bad idea.
Amber, I'm sorry you're not getting the exact responses you wanted to. Honestly, that's what happens when you come to a public message board and ask a question - people give you their opinion, and often times don't hold back anything they want to say. Sometimes it is helpful to know information outside what the OP provided to better understand the situation and fully address the question.
Also, I don't think anyone expects you and DH to move to where SD is. Would it be nice? Of course. But you shouldn't uproot your lives, leaving your family and jobs, just because BM decided to move.
All the things you have said about BM is why everyone is telling you that your DH needs to fight. BM is intentionally alienating BD from SD, and DH is kind of just sitting there and letting it happen. I don't think DH not signing for SD's last name to change would be "spiteful" to BM and SF - I think it would be DH standing up for himself. It is very sweet of DH to consider SD's feelings in all this, and it is awesome that he is putting his kid before himself. But has he ever considered that her feelings might be different? She might grow up thinking that DH doesn't care about her as much because he allowed the name change to happen. She might think that SF loves her more than DH because she has SF's last name (and BM will likely tell her that.) SD might wish she had her BD's last name like all her friends do. Why not wait until SD is older to decide if her last name should be changed to her SF's? Maybe wait and see if SD asks for it to be changed. She might not want it changed.
This is a very hard situation, and I wish you and your DH the best of luck in dealing with it!