question for you dads — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

question for you dads

my baby boy will be a month old on the 14th and his dad hasnt even tried to come see him yet. he said that he was going to be a good dad but he hasnt even called to see how our baby is doing. i dont know if i shouldcall and offer for him to come over and see our baby???like do you think maybe hes just too shy to come see our baby on his own??? i just dont get why he would say he would be there for him but not come see him for a month after hes born

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Re: question for you dads

  • Unless he's been hospitalized in a coma, the guy is a gutless worm.  You don't make promises to say you will be a good dad and see your child and then don't.  If you call, don't expect promising results.  He was probably just trying to keep you happy.  No phone call, no visit, no request for pictures... deadbeat dad material.
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  • That was my post, logged into my wife's account.  But the point remains the same... guy is a waste.
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  • imagelabellaella:

    my baby boy will be a month old on the 14th and his dad hasnt even tried to come see him yet. he said that he was going to be a good dad but he hasnt even called to see how our baby is doing. i dont know if i shouldcall and offer for him to come over and see our baby???like do you think maybe hes just too shy to come see our baby on his own??? i just dont get why he would say he would be there for him but not come see him for a month after hes born


    Out of curiosity, how old is the father?

    Also, how involved was the father throughout the pregnancy? 
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  • hes 19. i saw him almost every day until just a few weeks before i had my baby and he broke up with me.
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  • imagelabellaella:
    hes 19. i saw him almost every day until just a few weeks before i had my baby and he broke up with me.

    Oh, he is a child. Sorry about your situation. It doesn't sound it he will be rushing over anytime soon. Hopefully you have the help of family and friends, I can't imagine what it must be like. My wife and I are both on leave and our son takes up the entire day of two people.

    Hang in there, I hear it gets a little easier. 

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  • imagelabellaella:

    my baby boy will be a month old on the 14th and his dad hasnt even tried to come see him yet. he said that he was going to be a good dad but he hasnt even called to see how our baby is doing. i dont know if i shouldcall and offer for him to come over and see our baby???like do you think maybe hes just too shy to come see our baby on his own??? i just dont get why he would say he would be there for him but not come see him for a month after hes born

    Here is where I test my new parenting skills.....

    Sounds like you have your priorities straight in terms of focusing on your baby bonding with his father instead of you wanting to be with him. I think you deserve to be recognized for that fact, as a lot of young moms in your position would only care about the bf, not the dad, or the dad's responsibilities.

    Now, as a mother, you have to recognize that your only obligation to anyone is your son...that's it. Any feeling you may have for this boy who is not stepping up currently are independent of the responsibility you have for your child. It is important that you understand that fully and take steps to ensure that your child has the full support of his father, from a provider perspective.

    You need to contact your state's child support division ASAP. Again, this is about your son, not his dad nor his dad's feelings. As a father I can assure you that my financial responsibility to my family is just as critical, in my mind, as my emotional support is. With that understanding, since this "father" is having problems stepping up to the plate in all areas of support for his son, the state will have no problem making him carry out his financial responsibilities, with, or without, visitation.

    I would give this advice even if the "father" was coming over everyday to play, feed and hold his son. I would give this advice if youy were in your 30's and both of you had jobs and were livign together. There is a legal component to having a child, and that applies to married, and non-married couples. The bottom line is your child did nothing to warrant his father running from the financial obligations he has in all of this.

    If, during the process, the father decides to step up outside of the financial obligation, and be there for his son emotionally and in person, that will be a bonus. But from your OP, it certainly does not look like that will happen in the near future.

    Your committment is to your child, not the child's "father". You need to make that your priority, and fight for your son in terms of making sure the father's is doing his duty and doing rihgt by his son by providing for him. So, by taking this to the child support folks in the courts, you will be fighting for your child and making sure that your son is getting what he should be getting, financially and logistically, from his father. 

    image

  • imagelabellaella:
    hes 19. i saw him almost every day until just a few weeks before i had my baby and he broke up with me.

    I'm sorry about your situation.

    You need to go see a lawyer.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • i did file for child support a couple days after my baby was born. my baby is my #1 priorty and i know that. i just want the best for him and i dont want him to not have his dad.
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  • imagelabellaella:
    i did file for child support a couple days after my baby was born. my baby is my #1 priorty and i know that. i just want the best for him and i dont want him to not have his dad.

    I certainly understand your desire for your baby to have his dad. However, actions speak louder than words, and it's pretty clear from your BabyDaddy's actions he's not interested in being part of his child's life. It's arguably more damaging for a child to have a "sometimes daddy" in their life than no daddy at all. I hope you have a strong network of family and friends who can support you. Raising a child isn't easy and everyone needs a break from it now and then.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • imagelabellaella:
    i did file for child support a couple days after my baby was born. my baby is my #1 priorty and i know that. i just want the best for him and i dont want him to not have his dad.

    I am glad that you are already doing what you need to do for your son.  I respect how you have been able to seperate your feeling for this man as a boyfriend from his duties as a father to his son. He is the only one who can make the decision to be a father, and if he bails on that, he will have to live with the consequences of that decision.

    I can relate. My birth father was in jail when I was born, and he never came around after he was out of jail. Later in life, when I searched for my birth parents, he claimed if he would have known I was being put up for adoption he never would have let that happen.

    Yeah, if you would have known......

    Thank God I am the child of parents who love me unconditionally instead of the son of a guy who makes that statement!!

    What is best for your son is for him to be surrounded by love, love, and more love. Where that comes from is of minimal importance. But children need that love in their lives for so many critical reasons in terms of development and self-confidence. This man is not a dad, he is a birth father. A birth father is not a man to his son, he is a sperm donor.

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  • he didnt want to place baby caleb for adoption. i had anice couple picked out and everything and he just said no im not letting him be adopted well raise him together. well look how that is turning out.

    my baby has lots of love. i lovehim obviosly and my parents and brothersa nd sisters love him. i just dont know if i can ever love somebody again like i did his dad and im not goingto fake it

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  • this guy sounds like a loser to me, i am truly sorry you have been put in such a bad situation my best advice is to not give him any sick satisfaction of trying to see the kid....no real man just skips out on the baby and its mother for a full month..im sorry an i wish the best of luck to you
  • imagelabellaella:
    he didnt want to place baby caleb for adoption. i had anice couple picked out and everything and he just said no im not letting him be adopted well raise him together. well look how that is turning out.

    my baby has lots of love. i lovehim obviosly and my parents and brothersa nd sisters love him. i just dont know if i can ever love somebody again like i did his dad and im not goingto fake it

    Since you have a strong network of supportive parents and siblings, it's not totally crazy to raise your son without the child's biological father in the picture. Adoption of course is still an option, but I assume that's something you would have discussed with your parents, and at this point it would be emotionally difficult.

    Please, please, please do everything you can to further your education. The best gift you can give your baby is a stable home life, and bringing in money is a big part of that.

    I wouldn't worry too much about finding love from a boy again right now. You're basically going through the pain of a break-up while juggling the life-change of a baby. It's cliche, but time heals most wounds, and the pain of a broken heart does eventually heal. It's ok to be more cautious the next time around. There are good men out there and a lot of douches, and it's not always easy to tell them apart right away. Right now the only love you need is the love of your baby and from your family.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
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