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ASD and death/dying/funerals

SpocklesSpockles member
in Special Needs

My dad passed away this past Tuesday. His funeral was Friday. Leading up to his passing, he was hospitalized and sick, so it was expected. DH and I didn't talk about this in front of DS who has Autism, but I swear he has a sixth sense or something. At the time of his passing, DS and I were at home. DS was playing his iPad and all of a sudden started saying "grandpa, gone! grandpa, gone!" 15 minutes later I received a call that my dad had passed away. Anyway, DS is 3. I didn't want him to see my dads body at the funeral and I haven't addressed that grandpa has passed away. Not really sure how or if that would be appropriate. DS was always kind of "scared/shy" around my dad. The day after my dad passed away, my sister, son and I were going to see my mom and DS was very anxious on the drive to the house. As we pulled up outside, DS said, "oh, no....grandpa gone" in a very sad tone. Then went into the house and went to the chair my dad always sat in and patted it and again said that grandpa was gone. Friday we went to the funeral. DS and DH stayed outside and walked during the service. It was a closed casket. At the cemetary, I took a picture of the casket on my cell phone (sorry if that sounds morbid, I just needed it for my own grieving). DS was scrolling through my pictures last night and when he came to that picture he said, "grandpa!" DH and I just looked at each other like WTHeck?

Anyway, the question I have is how do I address this with DS? Is he too young?

Thanks!!

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Re: ASD and death/dying/funerals

  • Karalyn44Karalyn44 member

    I am so very sorry for your loss. (((hugs))) My oldest was 4.5 (also ASD, and also uncannily aware of what was going on) when my dad passed away, and we tried to keep things simple, only offering the most concise explanations possible, and only if DS asked a specific question. I don't know if that's the "right" way to handle it, but my DS tends to perseverate on heavy topics, so we had to be careful.

    Again, I am so sorry.

    DS1 9/7/05 DS2 10/20/07 DS3 1/20/09 DD 11/9/14
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  • Shayna0182Shayna0182 member

     This going a little off topic, but when ds was born ( 7 weeks early)  the very next morning, we were told dh's grandfather the next state away had passed away.  Of course we were very upset, however, I chose to stay behind since ds was in the nicu, and dh went with the rest of the family downstate for the funeral.  Since he had been sick for a long time, the funeral, burial, and planning had already been taken care of.

    So the night of the funeral - I would say around 11pm - the whole nicu floor was fairly quiet.  None of the babies had coded in a while, and most of the nurses were spread out toward the other end of the floor talking.  All the sudden, it felt like someone was standing right behind me.  I immediately turned around to see who it was, but no one was there.  It didn't feel creepy, more peaceful than anything. 

    I always say that grandpa made one last stop to check on ds before going to heaven.   

     

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