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Friend lost her baby yesterday - help

cowboykatiecowboykatie
in Late Term and Child Loss

Hi ladies,

I've been reading your board last night and this morning and let me start by saying I am so incredibly sorry for all of your losses.  I'm so thankful for the support you give each other and the advice you've given for me to follow - I have read the "what to do" and "what not to do" posts, but I still could use some advice from you all.  My sweet friend lost her baby girl yesterday.  My friend was full term and went to the hospital when her contractions started, ready to deliver her sweet daughter. Upon arriving, she found out the horrible news that her daughter no longer had a heartbeat.  This baby was her first and she had no complications throughout the pregnancy.

Our church and friends have already sent flowers, made a meal schedule, and a few of us even got to visit and see her sweet daughter yesterday.  I will take all of the advice you all said to heart in regards to how to best talk to and be there for my friend, but I have a hard spot to deal with too.

Our adult small group from church (that are very close friends that are together 1-2 times a week) consisted of 4 couples - all of us currently pregnant.  So on top of wanting to be there for our friend and helping her through this hard time, we are also concerned about how our pregnancies might make it difficult for her to be around us.  Can you give me any insight on how to help her and especially be mindful about how she may feel around us?  I'm sorry if this is a strange question, I just don't want to cause her any pain unknowingly, and I thought you all may have some advice.

Thanks in advance, and again - I am so sorry for your losses. 

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Re: Friend lost her baby yesterday - help

  • mcarter127mcarter127 member
    I am so sorry for your friend's loss & that she has to be part of this awful club. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend to her by doing some research to find out the best ways to support her, that is amazing & not many people would! Our loss was only 3 wks ago so I am far from experienced with this, Im sure some of the other ladies will be more helpful. I've only really had one experience with someone else's pregnancy so far so I can tell you about that. My older son has special needs & sees an occupational therapist a few times a week. She is pregnant & about a month behind me. When I first saw her we just talked openly about how I felt. Her pregnancy does not make me sad but it's because I know she will be an incredible mom & won't take ANYTHING for granted. If it were a different situation I might feel differently. It may be judgmental but the people that bother me are the ones that don't even want to be pregnant & are complaining constantly. I just simply told her that I'll ask about her pregnancy if I feel like I want to but otherwise she's not going to bring it up. I know there are other moms on this board that have a really hard time being around pregnant women altogether though so I think it's going to depend on that person. I would just ask her & be very understandingng of whatever her answer may be. I appreciate it so much when my friends were just honest with me. Also, make sure to recognize that the grieving process is life long & make sure you continue being there after all the other support slows down. Again, Im so sorry for her loss, maybe when she's ready you can direct her here. It's been a great source of support for me. I apologize for the formatting, Im on my phone!
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  • CaroleeCarolee member
    I am so sorry for your friend's loss.  You're right - you/your other friends' pregnancies might be difficult on her.  When we lost our son, 2 of my good friends were pregnant.  One of them avoided me altogether after (IMO what NOT to do) but the other one was very sensitive.  She kept in contact with me by sending care packages and emails (she lives about 2.5 hours away) and never brought up her pregnancy.  Obviously, when I saw her, I was reminded of it, but she never talked about it in front of me unless I brought it up, and that helped me.  Don't take it personally if she pulls away for a while.  Seeing my pregnant friends was a huge reminder for me of what I didn't have, and while I was happy for them, I was devastated for myself. 
    Mom to Eliott Alexander, born sleeping at 37 weeks on 8/13/10. Most of us only dream of angels - I held one in my arms.
    BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
    BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
    Too beautiful for this earth
    BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
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  • starburst0928starburst0928

    This story is identical to mine. I'm also new to the loss, so I can tell you what she could be feeling now. 

    She is not only grieving the loss of her daughter, she's also grieving the loss of the life she was ready to have. She should be breastfeeding, soothing and playing with her daughter and now she won't have that. (This is what I struggle the most with, and haven't yet found a solution for except time.)  Recognize that the life she was supposed to be living is now gone and when you have your child, it's probably going to be a horrible reminder of that, so you'll need to be mindful of how you act around her.

    For me,  it's really hard to see pregnant women or young babies, I'd think she probably feels the same. I would give anything to be pregnant with my son again, and I would think that is how she feels. Maybe it would be helpful for her to talk about her favorite memories she has from being pregnant with her daughter. 

    I would also encourage her to come to this board when she is ready, or find a infant loss group. No one can truly imagine what it's like to loose their child until they live through it, so talking with other moms in her position should be helpful.  I've been to two loss groups already and they were extremely helpful. 

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • jbranden12jbranden12 member

    I second what the above posters have said. It sounds like y'all are a great group who are ready to support her through this. Recognizing that everyone is different, I will tell you that I could not see pregnant women or babies without going into a negative tailspin for months. In fact, it is still difficult for me even though I am pregnant again. Your babies will FOREVER be a reminder of what she should have, and it will be painful not just now but for the rest of all of your lives. It will take her and her husband some time to get used to this new reality. She may want to take a step back from the group for a while, or she may not.

    What you can do is acknowledge out loud that you are aware that it could be difficult for her and that you all understand. Let her guide the relationship, but do NOT make her reach out. By that I mean you should continuously call to check in and give her the opportunity to tell you what she wants to do.

    Also, do not forget about her husband! Encourage your husband and the other men in your group to reach out to him as well. Spread the word to make sure people know to ask how he is doing, not just how your friend is doing. My husband grieved just as much as I did, except that he had no one to talk to but me. 



      Our Angel Patricia born sleeping 3/30/12 at 31 weeks
    Our Fighter Anna born early 1/8/13 at 26 weeks
    Hoping to bring home #3 due 9/9/15
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  • GabgapsGabgaps member

    I haven't talked to anyone for six months (since Liam died). Everyone has been wonderful to me but the truth is after 2 or 3 months people kind of forget and move on and that's hard. I have a friend who sends me texts almost every day. She just makes me laugh or whatever, just says hi. She sent me around 200 texts before I responded, only a little heart, but she knows what I mean. We have been friends for a long time but had a friendship with ups and downs. I didn't think she was a very good friend before all this. Now I cherish her friendship like I never did. I know she is there for me and I will be there for her always. My best advice is don't forget about her, especially when you have your baby. Don't expect her to be all that excited and don't send her baby pictures or baby stuff unless she asks for it, just let her know you are there for her. For me a "good morning" text was enough to make me smile.

    Also, be sensitive but don't be all weird around her, there is a difference. I appreciate people caring but at some point you get tired of the pity looks.

    Everyone is different. Some need more attention, some need less. Some can be around babies, some can't. Let her tell you where she stands. 

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  • cmenascocmenasco member
    I had 4 girlfriends that all had their babies right before me (two had them the same week as I lost mine).  It was hard to see them, and still is.  I have yet to hold any of the babies.  But they are awesome friends, they call, they text, they send me notes that they are thinking of them.  We all also have LO that are 2 years old, and we use to get together for play dates 1-2 times a week.  I just started going to playdates again and the first couple were really hard.  But my girlfriends are great, they don't push the babies on me, and they don't talk about things that the babies are doing.  I think the best thing though is the text and cards and knowing that they care.  3/4 of them sent cards yesterday (our EDD) and made me remember that they really do care and that my baby is not forgotten.
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  • cowboykatiecowboykatie
    Thank you so much to all of you for your replies, I really appreciate it.  Your words have meant so much, and I've been taking your advice to heart.  I cannot stress enough how sorry I am for your losses, but I thank you so much for your wisdom and insight into my sweet friend's thoughts right now.  
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