Community of Morons

sadsadie · October 2012

So, let's just say the parenting community in my town is...interesting. We have one "crunchy" green baby store (that is almost never open), a shortage of midwives (pee on the stick and then call immediately if you hope to get one), and a few well-intentioned but generally clueless attachment parents.

The other day I saw a kid in a Bjorn who must've been all of a month old; he was facing outwards, his legs were totally unsupported and his head was bobbing around like bobble doll as he screamed. Yeah. Today I saw another forward facing (or so I presume) infant in a Bjorn. All I could see we're the legs. The baby was so small it's head was inside the carrier,but because it was forward facing her face was mashed into the carrier.

WTF people? Is it just my town or are there people who need a good *** everywhere?

I know, I need to take off my judge pants but...do people not read up on how to use carriers? Augh!

tjkdlhb · October 2012

My daughter is the size of some newborns but she is 5 months old. I face her out because she holds her head and is curious about what is going on around her. I just fold down the front of the carrier so it's not in her face. Give people the benefit.

ETA we don't have any stores that sell any baby supplies. nor do we have any midwives. the hospital here doesn't even deliver babies, we have to go 1.5 hours away.

HappyMommy28 · October 2012

Have you tried talking to these people? Offering suggestions for baby carriers? Many people can't afford nicer ones and choose the Bjorn.

danigirl7181 · October 2012

I just don't think people are informed on how to BW correctly. The Bjorn says it's okay to wear baby facing out. When LO was younger I had no idea that wearing her facing out was incorrect, and had a Bjorn. When I looked more into BW then I learned more and have better carriers.

sadsadie · October 2012

tjkdlhb:
My daughter is the size of some newborns but she is 5 months old. I face her out because she holds her head and is curious about what is going on around her. I just fold down the front of the carrier so it's not in her face. Give people the benefit.

ETA we don't have any stores that sell any baby supplies. nor do we have any midwives. the hospital here doesn't even deliver babies, we have to go 1.5 hours away.

Yeah but...with the back up? This kid couldn't see anything, and I would have been worried about suffocation. It was just all wrong.

Sorry to hear about the lack of "baby support" in your community...I guess it's good to keep in mind that it could be worse!

sadsadie · October 2012

HappyMommy28:
Have you tried talking to these people? Offering suggestions for baby carriers? Many people can't afford nicer ones and choose the Bjorn.

No, I'm pretty sure I'd get told to STFU (which is fair, nobody likes to have their parenting criticized). It just makes me feel awful for these poor kids!

sadsadie · October 2012

danigirl7181:
I just don't think people are informed on how to BW correctly. The Bjorn says it's okay to wear baby facing out. When LO was younger I had no idea that wearing her facing out was incorrect, and had a Bjorn. When I looked more into BW then I learned more and have better carriers.

You're right, obviously more education is needed. I just find it shocking that in a reasonably large. Liberal-leaning, university town so many people are clueless about this stuff. Also...when your kid is screaming/their head is flopping around/their feet are purple, you would think that people would clue in and research better options. Sigh.

TiffanyBerry · October 2012

I would add - and some babies, even really little ones, only want to be worn facing out. The Bjorn, facing out, was the only thing that DD was even reasonably content to be worn in for MONTHS, until we could go to a back carry. I *knew* all the stuff you're talking about, and had other carriers, but she wouldn't settle in anything but that. And sometimes, you do what you have to do, not what a book/person says you should do.

tokenhoser · October 2012

I genuinely believe that the vast majority of parents are doing the best they can with the resources and knowledge they have.

I do still judge, especially in the moment, but once I cool off a bit I try to remember we're all just trying to do right by our kid. I'm sure we've all been in a situation that looked pretty bad to strangers.

sadsadie · October 2012

Interesting. If a baby is happy and facing out, so be it. But facing out and screaming as if they're being put in front of a firing squad? Not so much. I hear you though. Kids don't read literature on current parenting practices or safety advice. They just know what they like.

sadsadie · October 2012

True dat. I guess seeing the kid in the carrier (the one who had her face buried in it) just pissed me off enough to rant.

pepomntpat · October 2012

sadsadie:
Interesting. If a baby is happy and facing out, so be it. But facing out and screaming as if they're being put in front of a firing squad? Not so much. I hear you though. Kids don't read literature on current parenting practices or safety advice. They just know what they like.

I don't suppose that what was going through her mind could have been something like, "What the fvvck was Aunt Mazie thinking when she gave me this damned carrier. I can't wait to get home!" Maybe she was getting ready to go look for something better.

neverblushed · October 2012

I usually lurk on this board, but I had to reply to this one. I know - it's hard not to be judgy when you see something that rankles. I get that. Let me share the view from where I sit now as a parent, if it helps you remain calm.

My DD is 12. When she was an infant, ALL of us superior, educated, crunchy-granola, attachment-parenting types used the Bjorn. It was what we had. It was considered to be the best ergonomic carrier at that time. The Bjorn ranged in price from $85 to $120, which made it the most expensive and trendy carrier you could buy. Every progressive parent had to have it.

Among my DD's current school friends are many kids who were carried around in a Bjorn by their parents. Not one of them sustained hip, back, leg, spine, circulatory, nervous, or any other type of damage as a result of their parents' choice of baby carrier.

Really, the current "best" carriers are just trends as well. Don't worry, in a few years some other marketing team will come up with a reason why the Ergo is harmful or just generally sucks so that everyone will have to run out and drop another $100 on a brand new carrier. I promise you this will happen.

I, too, was once self-satisfied and smug about my parenting. Then, after seeing things like this come and go, I began to realize the powerful effect of marketing on the liberal, progressive, right-minded parenting community. Our eagerness to "do this parenting thing right" makes us an advertising pro's dream come true.

sadsadie · October 2012

neverblushed:
I usually lurk on this board, but I had to reply to this one. I know - it's hard not to be judgy when you see something that rankles. I get that. Let me share the view from where I sit now as a parent, if it helps you remain calm.
My DD is 12. When she was an infant, ALL of us superior, educated, crunchy-granola, attachment-parenting types used the Bjorn. It was what we had. It was considered to be the best ergonomic carrier at that time. The Bjorn ranged in price from $85 to $120, which made it the most expensive and trendy carrier you could buy. Every progressive parent had to have it.
Among my DD's current school friends are many kids who were carried around in a Bjorn by their parents. Not one of them sustained hip, back, leg, spine, circulatory, nervous, or any other type of damage as a result of their parents' choice of baby carrier.
Really, the current "best" carriers are just trends as well. Don't worry, in a few years some other marketing team will come up with a reason why the Ergo is harmful or just generally sucks so that everyone will have to run out and drop another $100 on a brand new carrier. I promise you this will happen.
I, too, was once self-satisfied and smug about my parenting. Then, after seeing things like this come and go, I began to realize the powerful effect of marketing on the liberal, progressive, right-minded parenting community. Our eagerness to "do this parenting thing right" makes us an advertising pro's dream come true.

That is a fabulous perspective. I will try to keep that in mind! Love it.

skibunny59 · October 2012

sadsadie:
HappyMommy28:
Have you tried talking to these people? Offering suggestions for baby carriers? Many people can't afford nicer ones and choose the Bjorn.
No, I'm pretty sure I'd get told to STFU (which is fair, nobody likes to have their parenting criticized). It just makes me feel awful for these poor kids!

This. I wouldn't suggest talking to these people about carriers. I cringe everytime I see someone wearing the baby in the Bjorn (I despise that carrier) but I've learned to keep my mouth shut. I mentioned it to a family member one time that it puts babies hips in an unnatural position and she flipped out on me saying,"well if they wouldn't be selling it if it's so bad for babies."

Also, while many carriers are expensive there are other options out there besides the bjorn. The infantino wrap and tie is a great carrier and very affordable.

erbear · October 2012

sadsadie:
Interesting. If a baby is happy and facing out, so be it. But facing out and screaming as if they're being put in front of a firing squad? Not so much. I hear you though. Kids don't read literature on current parenting practices or safety advice. They just know what they like.

Spoken like someone who has ten kids. Or one. Oh wait.

Rhianna1981 · October 2012

tokenhoser:
I genuinely believe that the vast majority of parents are doing the best they can with the resources and knowledge they have.
I do still judge, especially in the moment, but once I cool off a bit I try to remember we're all just trying to do right by our kid. I'm sure we've all been in a situation that looked pretty bad to strangers.

All of this. Well said.

ForeverEverAfter · October 2012

While that's always a possibility, sometimes they really don't understand why it isn't working for them. My Mom (who is far more outgoing than I) saw a woman using a moby wrong and was afraid the baby would fall out. When she nicely spoke to the woman and offered help she was very grateful. The woman had spent ages in front of the mirror and just couldn't get it tight enough, but it turned out she'd missed one step. I don't know if I'd speak up in your situation, but if you're outgoing enough to suggest flipping the front down or saying "those front facing carriers never worked for my LO til they were bigger", it might be taken okay.

kcisthebombdotcom · October 2012

neverblushed:

I usually lurk on this board, but I had to reply to this one. I know - it's hard not to be judgy when you see something that rankles. I get that. Let me share the view from where I sit now as a parent, if it helps you remain calm.

My DD is 12. When she was an infant, ALL of us superior, educated, crunchy-granola, attachment-parenting types used the Bjorn. It was what we had. It was considered to be the best ergonomic carrier at that time. The Bjorn ranged in price from $85 to $120, which made it the most expensive and trendy carrier you could buy. Every progressive parent had to have it.

Among my DD's current school friends are many kids who were carried around in a Bjorn by their parents. Not one of them sustained hip, back, leg, spine, circulatory, nervous, or any other type of damage as a result of their parents' choice of baby carrier.

Really, the current "best" carriers are just trends as well. Don't worry, in a few years some other marketing team will come up with a reason why the Ergo is harmful or just generally sucks so that everyone will have to run out and drop another $100 on a brand new carrier. I promise you this will happen.

I, too, was once self-satisfied and smug about my parenting. Then, after seeing things like this come and go, I began to realize the powerful effect of marketing on the liberal, progressive, right-minded parenting community. Our eagerness to "do this parenting thing right" makes us an advertising pro's dream come true.

So true. It's also ironic that all these "studies" that show the bjorn causes all this harm happens to be from their competition's websites...

tokenhoser · October 2012

While I enjoy a good conspiracy theory, just looking at a Bjorn-style vs. an ergonomic carrier you can tell which one looks far more comfortable. Or, I mean, try one on.

I don't think there's much to the idea that it's just to sell a brand.

stepper1725 · October 2012

TiffanyBerry:
I would add - and some babies, even really little ones, only want to be worn facing out. The Bjorn, facing out, was the only thing that DD was even reasonably content to be worn in for MONTHS, until we could go to a back carry. I *knew* all the stuff you're talking about, and had other carriers, but she wouldn't settle in anything but that. And sometimes, you do what you have to do, not what a book/person says you should do.

This, exactly. OP, you've complained about this before on other boards.

When I was pregnant I just knew I would wear my baby in a Moby. Turns out DD hates the Moby, the sling, and the Ergo. Loves the Bjorn facing out. I support her with one arm under her legs. I knew everything about baby wearing before I actually had a baby, then I adapted.

French Dads Are Best · October 2012

It's funny, our town is very similar. I'd guess half of the babies that are worn around here are uncomfortable. The 'offence' I've witnessed the most often is using a carrier that is way too big for the baby, so the baby is just being sloshed around at every step. Am I wrong to think that a newborn should be worn in a wrap and not in a hard structured carrier?

sadsadie · October 2012

stepper1725:
TiffanyBerry:
I would add - and some babies, even really little ones, only want to be worn facing out. The Bjorn, facing out, was the only thing that DD was even reasonably content to be worn in for MONTHS, until we could go to a back carry. I *knew* all the stuff you're talking about, and had other carriers, but she wouldn't settle in anything but that. And sometimes, you do what you have to do, not what a book/person says you should do.

This, exactly. OP, you've complained about this before on other boards.

When I was pregnant I just knew I would wear my baby in a Moby. Turns out DD hates the Moby, the sling, and the Ergo. Loves the Bjorn facing out. I support her with one arm under her legs. I knew everything about baby wearing before I actually had a baby, then I adapted.

Yes, I know, you follow your baby, not what some book tells you you should be doing. And sometimes that might not look like perfect parenting. But here's the thing; I am continually aghast at how many parents don't do any reading up on anything. Not on baby wearing, not on breast feeding, not on how babies tend to act and their natural development...nothing. I hardly know it all (understatement) and yet I just don't feel like I'm ever going to have one of those moments where I truly don't know what to do because I've done so much reading, taken courses and set myself up with a good support network of professionals and experienced family members. Yes, I have privileges and lots of resources available to me, but so do less fortunate parents. In my community, there are tons of great free health clinics, support systems and groups. My doula will work for free. Lactation consultants are free. The library is free. Health care is covered by the government. Most of the stuff I've used to get ready for this baby I've accessed for little to no cost.

I want to believe all parents do the best for their kids,but I teach, and honestly, parenting is like everything else. Some people are great at it and are truly dedicated, while others procrastinate, cut corners and just hope for the best. But working in education i see that some parents really make poor choices and it sets their kid up to struggle later on. It's sad really.

There is no magic recipe, no guarantee for parenting success. I know that. I just am bewildered by those parents that don't really give it much time, care or effort. That, and the lack of support for the parenting practices I want to follow have me feeling kind of cold towards my town I guess. The kids being bobbed around in their carriers are just the visual symbol of my discontent I guess.

stepper1725 · October 2012

sadsadie:

I want to believe all parents do the best for their kids,but I teach, and honestly, parenting is like everything else. Some people are great at it and are truly dedicated, while others procrastinate, cut corners and just hope for the best. But working in education i see that some parents really make poor choices and it sets their kid up to struggle later on. It's sad really.

Yes, it is sad. I'm sure you see a lot of things as a teacher that can be disheartening. Much worse situations than a baby in an 'crotch dangler' or a parent that didn't happen to read the very latest 'perfect parenting' book. It also sucks that you aren't feeling supported IRL for your parenting choices, which are obviously well researched. I think it's probably normal to judge people's parenting choices. To some small degree, every mother probably believes that her way of parenting is best, or at least best for her children.

I'm sure this isn't going to come out the right way, but please know that I am not trying to be snarky. You obviously care a lot about children and want the best for everyone's child, which is awesome. You might not have time to do this right now, but sometime, perhaps you could volunteer to spend an afternoon with a child in foster care. Some children have been through some truly horrible experiences and will continue to need help & support from caring adults like you. throughout their lives. It just might help put things in perspective and also make you feel better that you're actually helping someone rather than just venting. Again, totally not trying to be snarky, and I would understand if you told me to STFU : )

CurbsideProphet · October 2012

sadsadie:
I hardly know it all (understatement) and yet I just don't feel like I'm ever going to have one of those moments where I truly don't know what to do because I've done so much reading, taken courses and set myself up with a good support network of professionals and experienced family members.

I find this a bit comical. No matter how much you read, there is no way you can be fully prepared for every situation that may come your way.

pepomntpat · October 2012

CurbsideProphet:
sadsadie:
I hardly know it all (understatement) and yet I just don't feel like I'm ever going to have one of those moments where I truly don't know what to do because I've done so much reading, taken courses and set myself up with a good support network of professionals and experienced family members.
I find this a bit comical. No matter how much you read, there is no way you can be fully prepared for every situation that may come your way.

Yup! Spoken like a true idealist.

You are aghast that people think differently than you do. I am also a researcher. I like to read. I like to analyze. My sister is not. Her three kids are doing great. Do you know she bed shares because her child sleeps better there and not because Dr. Sears told her to! I find it amazing that some people do really well with just trial and error and their instincts.

And you cannot be prepared for everything. But, you are pregnant with your first, so you DO know everything right now. LOL!

sadsadie · October 2012

Yep, i am an idealist for sure, guilty as charged.

Actually, I would say I'm aghast at the number of people who don't think. Period. Yes, non-thinking types can do fine, but if you care so much about your child, why would you not do the research, the reading, etc? Most people wouldn't buy a car without doing their research, and yet I don't believe I can say the same about having a child. When I see people just going with the status quo and see kids who end up with flat heads, ear infections from being left to CIO, guzzling bottles of juice, wearing disposable diapers at the age of 4 and having the attention span and imagination of a gnat because of excessive TV exposure...I feel angry that they have been harmed.

Maybe, because I see/work with so any kids that have had shitty parenting (which often I then have to try to compensate for/fix/heal) I just have the most cynical, pessimistic world view ever.

I don't know everything; maybe I'm just an ***, I dunno. All I know is shitty parenting presses all of my buttons.

sadsadie · October 2012

stepper1725:
sadsadie:

I want to believe all parents do the best for their kids,but I teach, and honestly, parenting is like everything else. Some people are great at it and are truly dedicated, while others procrastinate, cut corners and just hope for the best. But working in education i see that some parents really make poor choices and it sets their kid up to struggle later on. It's sad really.

Yes, it is sad. I'm sure you see a lot of things as a teacher that can be disheartening. Much worse situations than a baby in an 'crotch dangler' or a parent that didn't happen to read the very latest 'perfect parenting' book. It also sucks that you aren't feeling supported IRL for your parenting choices, which are obviously well researched. I think it's probably normal to judge people's parenting choices. To some small degree, every mother probably believes that her way of parenting is best, or at least best for her children.

I'm sure this isn't going to come out the right way, but please know that I am not trying to be snarky. You obviously care a lot about children and want the best for everyone's child, which is awesome. You might not have time to do this right now, but sometime, perhaps you could volunteer to spend an afternoon with a child in foster care. Some children have been through some truly horrible experiences and will continue to need help & support from caring adults like you. throughout their lives. It just might help put things in perspective and also make you feel better that you're actually helping someone rather than just venting. Again, totally not trying to be snarky, and I would understand if you told me to STFU : )

No! I certainly wouldn't tell you to STFU, I think your suggestion is good (though to be honest, as a teacher I spend a lot of time parenting troubled kids whose parents are negligent or abusive, so I already feel like I'm working towards a solution). Maybe it's because I spend so much time being a parent to all kinds of kids that I feel a) Like I do know a lot more about parenting than people are willing to give me credit for and b) I feel so disturbed by other people's shitty parenting.

kcisthebombdotcom · October 2012

tokenhoser:

While I enjoy a good conspiracy theory, just looking at a Bjorn-style vs. an ergonomic carrier you can tell which one looks far more comfortable. Or, I mean, try one on.

I don't think there's much to the idea that it's just to sell a brand.

Eh, while I wouldnt want to put my 24lb 1.5 year old or my 34lb 2.5 year old in a bjorn, I found it incredibly comfortable in the early months for both me and baby and the ease/convenience of the carrier definitely got me into babywearing. I wouldn't have wanted to wear the ergo with a brand new baby. While I wouldn't recommend it for a baby weighing more than 15lbs, I do think it serves a great purpose in the early months. If I stuck to wraps/slings which I tried in the beginning I would definitely not still be babywearing today guaranteed.

sweetpea2003 · October 2012

sadsadie:

Yep, i am an idealist for sure, guilty as charged.

Actually, I would say I'm aghast at the number of people who don't think. Period. Yes, non-thinking types can do fine, but if you care so much about your child, why would you not do the research, the reading, etc? Most people wouldn't buy a car without doing their research, and yet I don't believe I can say the same about having a child. When I see people just going with the status quo and see kids who end up with flat heads, ear infections from being left to CIO, guzzling bottles of juice, wearing disposable diapers at the age of 4 and having the attention span and imagination of a gnat because of excessive TV exposure...I feel angry that they have been harmed.

Maybe, because I see/work with so any kids that have had shitty parenting (which often I then have to try to compensate for/fix/heal) I just have the most cynical, pessimistic world view ever.

I don't know everything; maybe I'm just an ***, I dunno. All I know is shitty parenting presses all of my buttons.

WOW.

You are in for a rude awakening if you think that your education and books are going to prepare you for the very real world of parenting. I worked with kids for a long time before having my own too (as a counselor) and also saw the consequences of poor parenting. But if you really do "fix/heal" those kinds of kids, you know that the ones who are truly damaged are not by parents wearing them in a Bjorn. Or even the ones not reading the books.

I remember reading something awhile ago that said something like, "do parenting books help you become a good parent? No. But the chances are good that if you are the type of parent who reads parenting books that you will be a good parent". Essentially - people who truly want to be good for their children will be. Period. It isn't about having a canned solution for every problem - it is about the desire to be there for our kids (however that may be - Bjorn or Ergo; cloth or disposable, purrees or BLW).

"Shitty" parenting is not a Bjorn. Flat heads are often caused by position in the womb or time in the NICU - not being left to lay down for hours because the parent is lazy. Some kids have chronic ear infections due to their biology - not CIO. ADHD and TV exposure has not been connected in the research. You make a lot of ASSumptions about parents based on kid's symptoms and that is completely and totally ignorant and unfair.

You are in for a RUDE freaking awakening when your "perfect" view of parenting flies out the window and you are the girl standing in line in the grocery store with a wailing baby and dozens of eyes staring at you judging you. I mean geez, we should be able to make sure our kids are well slept and fed and they just will be perfect (ear infection, flat head free) angels, right???

I swear I don't have an eye roll big enough for you, OP.

laurakaz13 · October 2012

sweetpea2003:
sadsadie:

Yep, i am an idealist for sure, guilty as charged.

Actually, I would say I'm aghast at the number of people who don't think. Period. Yes, non-thinking types can do fine, but if you care so much about your child, why would you not do the research, the reading, etc? Most people wouldn't buy a car without doing their research, and yet I don't believe I can say the same about having a child. When I see people just going with the status quo and see kids who end up with flat heads, ear infections from being left to CIO, guzzling bottles of juice, wearing disposable diapers at the age of 4 and having the attention span and imagination of a gnat because of excessive TV exposure...I feel angry that they have been harmed.

Maybe, because I see/work with so any kids that have had shitty parenting (which often I then have to try to compensate for/fix/heal) I just have the most cynical, pessimistic world view ever.

I don't know everything; maybe I'm just an ***, I dunno. All I know is shitty parenting presses all of my buttons.

WOW.

You are in for a rude awakening if you think that your education and books are going to prepare you for the very real world of parenting. I worked with kids for a long time before having my own too (as a counselor) and also saw the consequences of poor parenting. But if you really do "fix/heal" those kinds of kids, you know that the ones who are truly damaged are not by parents wearing them in a Bjorn. Or even the ones not reading the books.

I remember reading something awhile ago that said something like, "do parenting books help you become a good parent? No. But the chances are good that if you are the type of parent who reads parenting books that you will be a good parent". Essentially - people who truly want to be good for their children will be. Period. It isn't about having a canned solution for every problem - it is about the desire to be there for our kids (however that may be - Bjorn or Ergo; cloth or disposable, purrees or BLW).

"Shitty" parenting is not a Bjorn. Flat heads are often caused by position in the womb or time in the NICU - not being left to lay down for hours because the parent is lazy. Some kids have chronic ear infections due to their biology - not CIO. ADHD and TV exposure has not been connected in the research. You make a lot of ASSumptions about parents based on kid's symptoms and that is completely and totally ignorant and unfair.

You are in for a RUDE freaking awakening when your "perfect" view of parenting flies out the window and you are the girl standing in line in the grocery store with a wailing baby and dozens of eyes staring at you judging you. I mean geez, we should be able to make sure our kids are well slept and fed and they just will be perfect (ear infection, flat head free) angels, right???

I swear I don't have an eye roll big enough for you, OP.

Coming out of lurking to give this a huge Yes ! It also just made me LOL when I noticed you don't have a kid yet, so you have no clue what it entails.

erbear · October 2012

sadsadie:
stepper1725:
sadsadie:

I want to believe all parents do the best for their kids,but I teach, and honestly, parenting is like everything else. Some people are great at it and are truly dedicated, while others procrastinate, cut corners and just hope for the best. But working in education i see that some parents really make poor choices and it sets their kid up to struggle later on. It's sad really.

Yes, it is sad. I'm sure you see a lot of things as a teacher that can be disheartening. Much worse situations than a baby in an 'crotch dangler' or a parent that didn't happen to read the very latest 'perfect parenting' book. It also sucks that you aren't feeling supported IRL for your parenting choices, which are obviously well researched. I think it's probably normal to judge people's parenting choices. To some small degree, every mother probably believes that her way of parenting is best, or at least best for her children.

I'm sure this isn't going to come out the right way, but please know that I am not trying to be snarky. You obviously care a lot about children and want the best for everyone's child, which is awesome. You might not have time to do this right now, but sometime, perhaps you could volunteer to spend an afternoon with a child in foster care. Some children have been through some truly horrible experiences and will continue to need help & support from caring adults like you. throughout their lives. It just might help put things in perspective and also make you feel better that you're actually helping someone rather than just venting. Again, totally not trying to be snarky, and I would understand if you told me to STFU : )
No! I certainly wouldn't tell you to STFU, I think your suggestion is good (though to be honest, as a teacher I spend a lot of time parenting troubled kids whose parents are negligent or abusive, so I already feel like I'm working towards a solution). Maybe it's because I spend so much time being a parent to all kinds of kids that I feel a) Like I do know a lot more about parenting than people are willing to give me credit for and b) I feel so disturbed by other people's shitty parenting.

No. Just no. You are not parenting your students...you're teaching. How incredibly disrespectful. Even at my worst school (urban Philadelphia, *** parents), I would never be so presumptious as to assume I was parenting someone else's kid.

TiffanyBerry · October 2012

Eh, OP, I think you're thinking like a not-yet-even-one-time mom. You've got all kinds of theory rattling around in your head, but when the *** hits the wall (literally, if it doesn't get shat onto you first), well... It all kind of fades away.

I did all kinds of reading. Including research. I still do. But after about the first four months, I think good moms let their own intuition take center stage, not their academic learning. You learn that all these things you read about sleep ... well, your kid is a bit different. You learn that all these things you read about tummy time, or sleeping on their back, or nursing positions or whatever... At some point, your KID will decide what works for them, and nary a book will deter them.

And then you let go. You let go of "but if I let my kid do this, it'll give her a 10% reduced chance of having a good attention span" or "but if I don't do this with my kid every single day for at least 10 minutes, it increases her risk of something or another by 5%". And, if you're fortunate, you let go of comparing to other moms. No "I'm carrying my baby better than she is" or "my on-demand nursing is better for bonding than her exclusive pumping". Some of those things might not be false, but they might not be true (because even the best studies can't get that detailed), and in the end, THEY DON'T MATTER. What matters is the overall picture, the whole story, which you can never get from another person because you can't live their life.

I remember feeling similar feelings to what you describe before my daughter was born and in the first few months. And I feel so fortunate that I don't read so many books, and I don't read them with such intensity. It's made my life so much easier.

salt78 · October 2012

sweetpea2003:
sadsadie:

Yep, i am an idealist for sure, guilty as charged.

Actually, I would say I'm aghast at the number of people who don't think. Period. Yes, non-thinking types can do fine, but if you care so much about your child, why would you not do the research, the reading, etc? Most people wouldn't buy a car without doing their research, and yet I don't believe I can say the same about having a child. When I see people just going with the status quo and see kids who end up with flat heads, ear infections from being left to CIO, guzzling bottles of juice, wearing disposable diapers at the age of 4 and having the attention span and imagination of a gnat because of excessive TV exposure...I feel angry that they have been harmed.

Maybe, because I see/work with so any kids that have had shitty parenting (which often I then have to try to compensate for/fix/heal) I just have the most cynical, pessimistic world view ever.

I don't know everything; maybe I'm just an ***, I dunno. All I know is shitty parenting presses all of my buttons.

WOW.

You are in for a rude awakening if you think that your education and books are going to prepare you for the very real world of parenting. I worked with kids for a long time before having my own too (as a counselor) and also saw the consequences of poor parenting. But if you really do "fix/heal" those kinds of kids, you know that the ones who are truly damaged are not by parents wearing them in a Bjorn. Or even the ones not reading the books.

I remember reading something awhile ago that said something like, "do parenting books help you become a good parent? No. But the chances are good that if you are the type of parent who reads parenting books that you will be a good parent". Essentially - people who truly want to be good for their children will be. Period. It isn't about having a canned solution for every problem - it is about the desire to be there for our kids (however that may be - Bjorn or Ergo; cloth or disposable, purrees or BLW).

"Shitty" parenting is not a Bjorn. Flat heads are often caused by position in the womb or time in the NICU - not being left to lay down for hours because the parent is lazy. Some kids have chronic ear infections due to their biology - not CIO. ADHD and TV exposure has not been connected in the research. You make a lot of ASSumptions about parents based on kid's symptoms and that is completely and totally ignorant and unfair.

You are in for a RUDE freaking awakening when your "perfect" view of parenting flies out the window and you are the girl standing in line in the grocery store with a wailing baby and dozens of eyes staring at you judging you. I mean geez, we should be able to make sure our kids are well slept and fed and they just will be perfect (ear infection, flat head free) angels, right???

I swear I don't have an eye roll big enough for you, OP.

I think it would be impossible for me to love this post any more.

Signed, Mom to a girl who has a made-in-the-womb flat spot.

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