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Blended Families
Finally Doing It... What To Expect?
Hey All,
Sorry this is long but I decided to add a little back ground info.
My DH and I are finally taking BM to court for legal 50/50 custody and a few other things. Technically DH is only allowed to have him Fridays from 9-6 and every other Saturday from 9-6 because when SS (who is 4) was born BM and DH were still friends and agreed to not go to court and work everything out themselves. DH had SS often and paid for a majority of the things he needed. BM started dating a guy who didn't want her to be friends with DH anymore and convinced her to go to court behind his back. DH and I started dating when SS was 4 months old and BM sued him for custody a few months after that.During that time BM stopped working so she could get the max amount of child support possible, after it was all over and done she started working again.DH has always been a great father and when BM and her BF broke up she admitted that she did it so she would get child support and be able to move out of her parents house and in with her BF. BM and her BF have had an off an on relationship and he is a lousy good for nothing dirt bag. When SS was younger he would always say "Paul mean" and that he didn't like him, he's never had a job and uses BM's phone to send rude messages to DH.
When DH and I got married last October BM agreed to let us have him Thursday morning through Sunday morning and she also brings him for most of the day on Wednesdays. She said if this worked out after 2 months she would willingly go to court with us to change it all without getting lawyers involved.. well, it's been a year and she refuses to go. We are in the process of getting the paper work filled out and filed with the courts to:
1. Have 50/50 custody
2. Have last name hyphenated (he has BM's last name)
3. Have child support revised. (BM works more than before and DH is making less)
4. Pay only for daycare we use. (We currently have to pay $260 (60% of the cost) a month for daycare she uses on her days. She refuses to take him to a less expensive daycare and won't let us watch him instead.)
My DH is very worried that she will contest and we won't be able to get these things we want. In your experience do you think we have a good chance? We are using a lawyer to help with paperwork but will be representing ourselves.We have a stable and loving home environment and I have been in the picture since SS was 4 months old.
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Re: Finally Doing It... What To Expect?
Can you try mediation first? Since y'all mostly agree on the terms, it might be easy (and much less expensive) to try mediation to reach an agreement. BM might be more adversarial if you just "take her to court," you know?
How much documentation do you have? I hope that you can prove that you've had SS as much as you say for the past year; it will really help you in court.
If you can swing it financially, you might be able to convince her to agree to filing the custody stuff willingly if you don't adjust CS. I'm guessing that's at least part of her reluctance...
Good luck!
ETA: Obviously, I don't know what state you're in, so take this with a grain of salt...
1. Establishing 50/50 custody after a parent has already been awarded CP and after the CO has been in place for 4 years is a hard thing to do. However, if you have had SS 3-4 days per week for a year, and have been documenting it, you have a fighting chance. Will BM agree to this in mediation? I would try mediation first and see if that works.
2. In my state a name change is done in probate court, and has nothing to do with your custody. If this is done through probate court where you live too, then I would suggested waiting until after the CO is amended - this might seriously piss BM off. Why do you want SS's last name changed? Is it a pride thing for DH? Is it to make things easier when dealing with school, doctors, insurance, etc.? A judge will take all these things into consideration, as well as BM's reasoning for wanting to keep it how it is.
3. Again, this is just my state, but the visitation/custody and the CS are two different things. CS can be re-evaluated at any time if one of the CS office's qualifications have been met (there is a list of 14 of them.) If BM went from unemployment to employment, that is likely a reason to have CS readjusted.
4. If you pay $260 per month and that is 60% of SS's daycare then it is about $434 per month, or about $100 per week for three days per week? I'm guessing SS "goes" Monday-Wednesday? If so, that really is not that expensive. Do you pay separately for a daycare for SS for Thursdays and Fridays? Or do you watch SS yourself? I honestly see no reason that you shouldn't have to pay daycare. Who BM chooses to watch SS during her time is her business - whether it's a daycare facility, an in-home daycare, a friend, or a relative. BM is actually being very generous by allowing your DH to have SS every Thursday-Sunday when she only has to allow every Friday and EO Saturday. Just food for thought.
It does suck that your DH got screwed the first time around. Make sure you find an excellent lawyer this time, and fight for the things that are most important to you. (Are you more concerned with more time with SS, having SS's name changed, or with paying less per month? Prioritize.)
*Edit because I calculated daycare off you paying 50%, not 60%. It is accurate now.
I'd urge you to prepare for her to contest it. I'd be surprised if she doesn't.
As for your issues--
1. I agree w/ PP that if you have documented your parenting time, you may have a shot at 50/50. But there are a lot of other factors that go beyond what you mentioned. For instance, what is your plan for when school starts?
2. I'd be surprised if you don't succeed with the hyphenation.
3. Again, I'd think you'd be fine with the recalculation here.
4. I agree w/ PP that you're out of luck here. That sounds like a reasonable price for my area. Not rock bottom, but who wants a rock bottom daycare? And with daycare you almost always have to pay for the spot regardless of whether the child attends every day. It would make more sense for you to work with BM here, and I think not doing so may make you appear inflexible.
* We've tried getting her to go to mediation with us, she refuses.
* We have been keeping track of the times he comes and goes for about 2 months and have text messages from throughout the year.
* We are wanting to revisit child support because she is working way more and my husband is making less and it's hard for us to make that payment each month.
Thank you!
* BM refuses to work with us at all.
* The name change is mainly to make sure SS feels like he is apart of both families. We aren't wanting to change it completely, just hyphenate it so he has both last names.
* The reason we don't want to pay for child care is because we don't use it, she refuses to take him to one that we can both afford (We have given her a list of other options but she won't change). I'm also a stay at home mom who babysits 2 other children so he would be able to be at our house during the times she has work.
Thanks for your info!
This really doesn't seem like enough to establish an existing pattern for 50/50 custody. I wouldn't be surprised if BM revoked the extra days once you initiate court proceedings, which will damage your argument and take you two steps back. I really think you need to get some legal advice from an attorney, not just for paperwork but to give you a realistic idea of your case. I'm sorry. I really hope things work out for your family.
I'd work on getting the time in stone first then the CS is auto recalculated bc it's based on income but also based on percentage of time child spends in each home so it will be reduced
I have nothing good at all to say about the family court system except just imagine a crazy amount to spend on time, attorneys and feeling frustrated and hopeless and plan to double that amount so you're mentally prepared for the year ahead of you.
The Bm in our case was an absolute mess at the time which is why we got joint. If your Bm is in any way together I.e. not on heroin you will have a very uphill battle unfortunately. Not to say it won't work out just prepare yourself
Unfortunately, PP is right when they say that two months isn't much to go off of, and that BM will likely revoke what you have done when she is notified of the hearing, which will give you guys not much to go off of. Document for a year, that is substantial evidence. You wouldn't want to file and then end up with a new CO that gives you less time than what you have now.
For the text messages, are they saved to your phone? Or did you photograph them? If they were forwarded to email or typed out and then the original one deleted, it will be dismissed in court because you could have manipulated it. I learned that after two and a half years of time wasted typing out text messages. I now photograph them (if you have a smart phone you can screen shot them, I think.)
I completely agree, especially with the bold.
OP, nineoceans is right when she says you have a long, uphill battle. It will be emotionally, financially, and maybe even physically exhausting for you and your DH, but it is definitely worth it when you are serving your SS's best interest. Talk to your attorney and best of luck. Stick around to keep us updated
.
Two things.
One, I agree that two months isn't much to go on. If there are other issues, such as parental alienation or something, maybe it would be different.
Two, I still think you don't have a good basis for the daycare argument. If the price was out-of-this world, maybe. But I don't think it is. And I don't think you can argue that she could leave the child with you. That's not realistic, especially when you're going after her for more custody.
I think you should definitely prepare for her to contest it, and for her to immediately retract all the extra parenting time you guys have now. Sorry.
2. Have last name hyphenated (he has BM's last name) I think this one is more likely than others but I would be prepared with the reasoning. Why wasn't the name originally hyphenated? Did your DH tell BM that he wanted it hyphenated at birth? Personally, I'm not big on name changes for kids after the fact. The child can always change their name once they are legal on their own if THEY want it changed.
3. Have child support revised. (BM works more than before and DH is making less) I'm assuming in your state that BM's income matters, in which case this might be a valid reason. In my state the CP's income is not used in CS calculations at all. So that her income wouldn't matter in my state.
4. Pay only for daycare we use. (We currently have to pay $260 (60% of the cost) a month for daycare she uses on her days. She refuses to take him to a less expensive daycare and won't let us watch him instead.) I think this again is state specific. We never paid any portion of daycare for my SKs because that is included in CS, same with my Ex and DD's daycare. CS is a flat percentage of the NCP's income for one kid and then increases a certain percent per additional kid.