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June 2012 Moms
mylittlesunshine
member
Parents/IL question
mylittlesunshine
member
Has your relationship with your parents/IL's changed since having you lo? If yes, how so?
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Parents/IL question
I've gotten SUPER close to my mom. I also have a lot more respect for her now. Not that I didn't respect her before, but now I can understand her as a parent more, I guess.
As for my IL's- they drive me more insane than ever before. My daughter is an after thought to them, because they are practically raising my nephew and that drIves me nuts. They'll say they are going to come visit (they live five mins away) and then never do bc they forget. Ugh.
As for them getting along with each other, I unfortunately never see that happening. They tolerate each other but my fam doesn't care for my inlaws. They aren't super nice to me because "I stole their little boy and I'm uptight". Or at least that's what mil told DH while they were dancing at our wedding.
My relationship with my mom has definitely improved. We were never super close, but we get on much better now. She is obsessed with DS, although she doesn't live nearby. My relationship with my dad, not so much. He lives in Florida (I'm in Canada), but we used to talk and email and such regularly. Since I told him I was pregnant I've barely heard from him, and although I saw him this summer (briefly) I don't hear from him much anymore. I would tell him that I had tons of photos of LO up on FB and he should check them out, and he would just say, "Oh, I don't really go on FB much." Well even you don't, there are pictures of your grandson up there so if you want to see him, maybe you should!!!! I ended up sending him the direct links to a few FB albums and emailing a few extra cute photos directly and all I got was "Oh, very nice." I don't know what more I can do. I'm not expecting him to fawn all over LO since that's not his style, but it makes me sad he doesn't even really want to look at pictures of him. He even got his name wrong the last time I talked to him
.
As for the ILs- DH does not have anything to do with his father, so there's that. He's not close to his mom either for a few reasons, and I have only met her a handful of times so I let DH determine our relationship to her. He doesn't want us to be the ones making the effort in the relationship- so if MIL wants to see LO, she has to come see us vs us making the drive to see them. She lives 4 hours away and came to see us once, when LO was a week old. She's supposedly coming for one day- not staying overnight- in a month or so, so we'll see. I barely have any relationship with her at all. I don't think she has ever asked me a question about myself, not even 'How are you feeling?' after I gave birth to DS.
I will end my rantiness on a positive note and say that DS has helped mend a strained relationship that I had with my sister. We're still not BFF, but she loves him so much that we talk civilly now fairly regularly. She is actually coming to visit for the first time this November (she also lives far away and is flying out to see us).
OMG, Sunshine, you must be reading my mind because I was just mentally b*tching about my ILs. I am currently battling DH trying to set up some boundaries.
They live 3 hours away, which is too far to come for the afternoon but not far enough to keep them away for more than a month or two. Prior to the baby, they almost never visited.
My MIL is out of control when she is around the baby- insists on holding her the entire time, won't take no for an answer, talks to her in a freaky baby talk voice, calls her a doll baby, and says sh*tty things about me to the baby in a baby talk voice. I appreciate that she is into her granddaughter, but she needs to know her role and show me some respect. She also insists on babysitting at least once a month (read: I as the daughter in law need to leave her alone with the baby to prove she can babysit like my mom who lives locally) and sleeps over, bringing along her ridiculous husband. Basically she is having an imaginary competition with my mother (whom she has only met twice)-- and ME. Guess what, "Grandma"??? I will win that battle because I AM THE MOM.
My FIL is basically his new wife's puppet, who is in direct competition with aforementioned nutty MIL, so now for the first time ever they want to spend time with us. As far as I can gather, that means taking 2 million pictures with the flash and putting them on facebook, and then sitting around staring at each other.
Both FIL and MIL do not help or contribute in anyway-- you think if you were coming to see someone with an infant, you might bring food or a small gift or offer to help do dishes after dinner. Instead, I have to entertain them, cooking and cleaning and serving them as if I don't have anything better to do with my time.
Now, DH wants us to go back to his small hometown for 3 days and then have his mom come for her monthly sleepover (SO WEIRD) just 1 day after that. NO THANKS.
Phew! I feel a little bit better now.
My relationship with my dad has changed minimally. He flew out and saw me and LO. We had a good time while he was here, and I got to hear lots of great stories. Now, I send him weekly pics, which he seems to enjoy, and talk about twice a month. That's quite a bit more than before LO.
DH and his father had a huge falling out last November, mostly over his manipulative and rude girlfriend. Since I was pregnant, DH just had enough of her BS and told his dad he needed to walk away from their relationship if he wasn't willing to have a relationship with just him, no girlfriend involved. His dad said no, so DH stuck to his decision. He found out we were pregnant in his Christmas card. He met DS for the first time in July. He stopped by on Labour Day, and that's it. We didn't see a lot of him before, but obviously it's even less now.
My parents. Well, I have a strained relationship with my mom. She's very hard to handle and I kind of have to see her and talk to her on my own terms. When we had the baby I decided that for DS's sake, I'd be more open to visiting. My parents have been to our house once, 4 days after DS was born, and they stayed all day, I had to make them dinner, and left late. After that, we decided we would bring DS to them to avoid another terrible day. My parents don't ever invite us over or ask to see DS, so to be nice, we stop in ocassionally. That's about the most of it. My sister, who I am not close with, has seen DS twice. Once when he was a week old, and again at 2 weeks. Any time there's been an opportunity to visit, she and her husband haven't shown up. I know she is jealous. She wants to have a baby but her husband doesn't want children. And the gossip from my mom is that things are going south. My dad has been super judgemental about my parenting. He says it's my fault DS is so fussy because I go to him when he cries, his kids were never like that, I must be doing something wrong, etc. My dad isn't usually so judgemental so his comments sting. I'm kind of hurt that my family isn't more interested in DS, but I also don't have time to worry about it, so I just don't.
Funny you posted this question, my inlaws just left after spending a week with us.
First, lets just say that my relationship with my own parents is about the same. It was always a good relationship and my mother is very respectful of our boundaries. She will always call before coming over etc. She is also helpful by bringing over meals or helping with whatever we need. She babysits for me while I work and lives about 4 miles away.
On the other hand, my in laws live on the east coast while we live on the west coast. I was very worried about their drinking and smoking when they stayed with us. However, MIL surprised me and actually didn't drink her usual whiskey and did not smoke near the baby. She also washed up before touching LO. I was very glad. Anyway, FIL continued to drink his beer while staying with us and is a non smoker.
I realized after my inlaws stay this time that the reason MIL drank whiskey is because she is completely anxious. She may have some kind of social anxiety but definitely diagnosable. This explains why she is so controlling. Long story short, ,my LO was picking up on her anxiety and every time she would hold him he would fuss, and she would stick something in his mouth, (some plastic toy, she brought.) I was upset but tried to be cool about it. (I do not allow plastic that is not bpa free etc to go into LO's mouth.)
Anyway, we survived. But I wouldn't say I feel closer to my in laws but maybe I just understand them a little better.
One last thing, MIL loves to buy gifts for LO, and I do appreciate her thoughtfulness but she buys things that LO has no use for. She has bought him over 15 pairs of shoes, rain boots, sandals, slippers, flip flops, you name it. And over 15 pairs of swim trunks and sweaters...LO is 4 months he will grow out of all of these things before he will even get a chance to use them. LO doesnt walk, nor does he go in the sun or swim and it is too hot here to wear sweaters. Any way just a little perspective on what we deal with.
The relationship with my mom and family has improved. It has pretty much since I announced I was PG. She lives far away but talk to her every day.
My IL's on the other hand it's gotten worse and I'm starting to hate being around them. My FIL is almost out of the picture and barley does anything for her which is what I expected and really doesn't bother me. My MIL is horrible. She barely came around the first 3 1/2 months and now all of the sudden realised this and wants to come over ALL THE TIME. She treats me like I'm an idiot and says bad things to me in front of LO. I wanted to punch her this past Sunday when she came over with the things she said but I could not say anything b/c I would not have been able to control what I said. She does it when DH isn't listening so he doens't see it which is even sneakier and much worse IMO. It's like she all the sudden brought out her claws since LO was born. She contradicts everything I say - even the fact that she is very light. Everyone things she's light and is only 35% of weight for her age and gaining ok far said her Dr but she thinks she's chunky. Um no that's a fact and the scale doens't lie. I know she's jealous b/c we had a girl and she had three boys and always wanted a girl.
She like PP is making everything a competition with me and my mom. LO doesn't smile at her or get excited when she sees her b/c she doesn't know her and she gets mad at me b/c of it. No you don't come around to get to know her so that's not my problem. I've never told you you can't see her - it's her choice. She keeps insiting on babysitting her and I'm not ready to leave her with her yet. She's offered a few times when we went over to their house and she's ebf and I had no food for her. Um no way and I leaving her for anytime without food.
I told DH next time he's got to say something to her if this continues. It doesn't mean anything coming from me. She's the one who's turned it into a competition and she better get ready to loose b/c I win - I'm her mom and what I say goes for her.
I have grown a lot closer to my mom. Our relationship was stranded when I moved out of our country to attend grad school and live with DH (then my boyfriend) seven years ago.
I was always close to my dad, but it was so cool to see him as a grandpa!
My MIL helped me for 10 days when DH first left to work, but she lives in TX. She never called or contacted me since going back. I email her pictures every week and she comments. We were never close b/c she is not close with DH and she is buddies with his ex...
My MIL did this too. She didn't know how to spell it - really? It's not a unique spelling at all. Her middle name is common and has a ton of different spellings so that I could kinda understand but but the first name.
Not really. DD is ILs' 5th grandchild, and as much as they love them all it's not like this was anything new.
My parents are super busy and in their own little world. My baby brother's only 9 too, so they're still doing the whole parent thing themselves. They love DD and enjoy interacting with her, but my mom can go for days on end without holding her at all (we currently live with them). It was always like that when I was a kid too - my mom gets overwhelmed very quickly, so she rarely acted like she had a lot of time to comfortably spend with me.
My ILs were fine.....until DD was born. They live several states away. During the first few weeks PP, MIL stayed with us. We didn't invite her, she just came up and said she was staying for a few weeks. She sat on the couch and held DD. That was her idea of "helping" us. Then one night she got drunk and started fighting with DH about how she didn't get to hold DD enough. She slamed doors and finally left to go stay at a hotel. DD and I were upstairs at the time so she wasn't exposed to that nonsense.
The next day she comes back & tells us she and FIL are moving to our town. DH and I are not happy. He isn't close to them, they are alcoholics, and have no sense of boundries. We thought maybe they were just kidding, but no, their house is on the market and they are looking at houses down the street from us.
On the bright side, I've gotten super close to my mom since DD was born : )
My IL's we are doing okay a lot better than when he was first born, my MIL would hog him DS & when I tried to change him or feed or burp him or just cuddle with him cause it had been 2 hours since I've got to hold him 30 seconds after I grabbed him she'd be like okay my turn or ask when she can have him again... it really bothered me but luckily I think someone talked to her cause now she's doing really good about sharing him & I'm doing better about bringing a project I've been wanting to work on while we are visiting so my hands are busier & it makes it a lot easier..
Mine & mother's relationship was always strong before i got pregnant but it has made me see my step father in a whole new light he's got other grandchildren from his own kids & has a grandson that is only a few weeks older than my DS but never gets to see him cause his daughter is too shoved up her IL's butt to care about HER family.. but anyway I never got to see him truely get to know a grandchild & to see them interact warms my heart, DS's is PoePoe's lil buddy!
My real father on the other hand, he planned on making a trip to California to visit friends told him I was pregnant before he left didn't come home til DS was 2 months old, didn't come home for the birth & when I sent him pictures of his FIRST grandchild at the hospital it took him 3 or 4 weeks to finally check his email to see the pictures even though I told him when I talked to him on the phone that I had sent him pictures in the hospital...still having issues about forgiving him about that...
My mom passed away when I was in college but I missed her most during my pregnancy and after having the baby. I know she wasn't around for a few milestones but this was by far the hardest for me to go through w/o her.
I've always had an ok relationship with MIL. She's the typical old fashioned worry wart type of person that knows everyone's business and has an opinion about everything. Didn't bother me much before until after baby. I know and respect the fact that she raised 7 children and 2 grandchildren but I don't appreciate that she doesn't respect me as a mom. She feels the need to tell me how to raise my son even w/o me asking for any advice. I just want her to realize that there are many ways to raise a child and I want her to respect my ways. I want DS to have a good relationship with his grandma especially since my mom is not around. But I also want MIL to know her boundaries and to stop offering unsolicited advice.