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1st Trimester
Boo0512
member
Arguing about announcing pregnancy
Boo0512
member
I need to vent/want feedback from anyone who has dealt with this before. I appreciate feedback but don't want to hear anyone bash my husband or me. This is going to be lengthy....
So yesterday was a very exciting day. My DH and I went into our very first u/s and saw a lovely blob with a heart rate of 167 bpm measuring at 9 weeks. Yay!
We had planned to announce our pregnancy to his parents and my parents and siblings on Saturday as we would be able to see them in person. He also has a sister who is married but she lives almost two hours away from us. When we had discussed the announcement a few weeks ago, he felt bad that his sister would be the only one we didn't tell in person. I understood where he was coming from but we can't help where she lives. We talked about possibly driving to her house on Sunday and taking her out to eat and then telling her. If that didn't work out, we'd have to tell her over the phone.
Last night around 9pm he calls me (as he farms and was working late in the field) and says that his sister came to visit his mom and dad (who live like 7 miles from us) and that he wanted to pick me up and go over there to tell them all. I was shocked and not prepared mentally to do that. I also felt bad that my family who also lives close by was going to find out 2 days later. I told him that I wanted to talk about it more when he got home and we could go from there. I got emotional because I knew he had his heart set on going over there to tell them meanwhile, I'm ready for bed, look like crap, am tired, and super emotional because, hello, I'm pregnant!
He comes home and I was in tears (I've been SUPER weepy lately) I wasn't mad at him I was just freaking out because this wasn't what we had planned to do and I felt guilty about my family. I just didn' t feel mentally ready to tell them.
We talked about it for awhile and I was still weepy, but said I would go over there because I knew that is what he really wanted. Then, he didn't want to go over there because he didn't want me to be in a "bad mood" when we made the announcement. I tried to explain that I just needed a few mins of not talking to calm down and that all week I'd been having a lot of trouble controlling the tears. He continued to talk about it and we ended up getting into a huge fight and now he said he doesn't want to tell ANYONE about it this weekend because he is mad and doesn't want to announce the baby that way.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this? I'm so upset and that makes me angry because this should be the happiest time of my life.
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Re: Arguing about announcing pregnancy
And it will be over the phone too. That is how I found out about my sister's pregnancy and it didn't make it any less special.
Congrats and good luck!
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I'm glad that people can see where I'm coming from, it makes me feel a little better because I'm sitting at work with a pit in my stomach. This argument will probably continue when I get home
I really tried to "get myself together" so we could see his family last night but like I said I have been SO weepy lately and have had a lot of troubling reining it in. Also the last minuteness (is that a word?) was a huge factor in my "freak out" ugh. I just want this to be solved so we can continuing celebrating.
I get it that your hormonal and that this wasn't the plan and that you feel guilty, but are those reasons to rob your hubby of the chance to tell his family including his sister when they are together and in person? Honestly, that sounds selfish.
Do you have any other kids? Because, really, stuff like this happens all the time where kids are concerned. You've gotta put on your big girl panties, quit your crying and learn to compromise. This is not worth arguing over. And, your Dh is right. For the rest of your lives, you'll look back and have to remember that you actually argued about this and do you really want that to taint your pregnancy announcement with a fight? Big picture. Deep breath. In the scale of a lifetime, your family knowing two days later, or one for that matter, is NO big deal.
I can't agree with this and I'll just state why. I think the husband was just as selfish in this circumstance. She isn't robbing him of anything. She was willing to drive out there on the weekend, just not drive over when she was clearly not ready to do it.
He wasn't asking her to go, he wasn't willing to talk about it, he expected her to get dressed, suddenly feel better and go to suit his needs. It sound like he should learn to compromise. Compromise isn't listening to whatever your husband says.
Her family knowing two days later isn't a big deal, his family knowing a few days later shouldn't have been a big deal.
OP, I guess I just think your husband was in the wrong.
EDIT It sounds like your husband was acting like a baby. He got an idea and when you didn't agree to it he got angry. It was ok for you not to want to go out after 9pm when you are in your pajamas and are feeling weepy. You had a plan, he wanted to change it but wasn't ok with you not agreeing right away. Even when you said ok you'll get ready, that wasn't good enough because you weren't happy to do it.
It sounds to me like she prioritizes her family. If my Dh called me at 9 pm and and told me his sister was IN TOWN and we could tell his whole family in person (and not have to drive two hours each way to do so), I would suck it up and go for it. In the long run, what I would remember is getting to tell everyone the big news in person and I would surely forget the inconvenience. I am confident that seeing my DH happy and seeing his reaction coupled with the family's reaction would be worth whatever inconvenience it would be to me. But, hey, whatever. As long as her whole family gets to hear it in person. After all, they can't help where his sister lives even if she happens to be in town right now and they are already planning to tell. *rolls eyes*
For the record, she never said she didn't feel good, she said she was tired and weepy/hormonal.
The whole thing about fighting over this is ridiculous. Compromise.
I'm stuck on the 9 pm thing. I'm in bed by 9 most nights these days. I could see myself getting extra emotional just because I was tired. If DH was tired and cranky it could easily turn into a fight. Is it possible that things got blown out of portion on both sides? I know we have had those some crazy fights because of stress/hormones/tiredness. Good luck sorting it all out.
Oh by the way my DH also farms.
1, When I feel weepy and hormonal I don't feel good. She might.
2. I agree on compromise. I agree fighting over it is stupid. I just don't think she's any more at fault than her husband. Compromise isn't her bowing to her husband's wishes. He wasn't looking to compromise, he was looking to have her do what he wanted even if she felt weepy, hormonal and wasn't ready to see anyone. And when she said ok, it just wasn't good enough because now he's angry. Now he doesn't want to tell anyone because he's mad.
3. I don't even know why everyone is so caught up about telling people in person. I live very close to my sisters (a short walk) and I don't plan on telling both of them in person. We are very close but I just don't think it's necessary to see the person to tell them. I'll probably text my brother and I live in the same house as him.
Don't be upset. Try this is seems to help me & HD. I first state how I think he feels about a situation and ask that if I am wrong that he please nicely explain to me so I can understand where he is coming from. Once I understand him and repeat it back so he knows I truly understand him then I explain to him how I feel/where I am coming from. For some reason my HD is calmer after I show him I understand how he feels. Then when we both understand each other we try to come up with a compromise. It doesn't always work but It works way better than just telling him how I am feeling because he then thinks that he doesn't matter. I hope this helps..
I see where you are coming from about seeing my husband happy. Of course I love to see him happy, but unfortunately I'm not able to turn my raging hormones on and off, perhaps you have some tips on how I may do so?
I'm not sure if you read through my OP carefully or not, but I clearly stated that I was willing to go over there after I had time to change clothes and mellow out. I think that is a pretty good compromise! I didn't want to go because it was so last minute and late at night in addition to my feelings about my family knowing. I love my DH very much and that is why even though I was VERY uncomfortable going over there at that moment, I was willing to do it. I just didn't have rainbows and sun shining out of my ass about it so he was pissed. I told him several times that "I could totally see his side of it but was caught off guard." This is my first pregnancy and it is very emotional planning to tell your family about it.
Turning raging hormones in and off? To be completely honest, I think it is mind over matter. Eye on the prize. Pick your cliche. It's pregnancy, not an out of mind/body experience. I get it, this is your first time. You are excited. You have a picture of how everything will go. But, it won't. So get used to it now. I don't mean to be a debbie downer, but that is just reality.
I read your op. your husband called while he was still at work. The time it took him to leave work and drive come home was not long enough for you to put on a brave face. I think that's a bit dramatic. Here's what I think, I think you played the pregnancy card and it backfired and that's why you're pissed. You win some, you lose some. I ask my Dh to do plenty of stuff for me he doesn't want to do and he does it because he loves me. He does it when he's tired, when he's stressed, when already in his relax pants watching a football game (case in point, last week, at 9 pm, he turned off a football game and went to two grocery stores to get me my favorite ice cream because the first store was out. and, this is after he'd been traveling for work to Dubai and back and had flown for 16 hours straight with very little sleep!). And, I do plenty of stuff my Dh asks of me even when it's not ideal timing, etc. I think it is simply part of being in a loving relationship. Honestly, I stand by my comments. I think you should get a grip and do this for your Dh today assuming your SIL is still in town. I would be ready to walk out the door, smile on my face, simple apology for my raging hormones on the tip of my tongue, ready to go the moment Dh walks in the door. Then, tomorrow, you tell your folks and siblings. Everybody is happy. Done deal.
Well, I guess you should feel blessed that you having the ability to control your hormones. I guess that just wasn't in the cards for me. There have been times in the last few weeks when I could tell myself that what I was crying about was ridiculous but did that make the tears stop? Nope. Hormones are not something I can control. I would be willing to bet that most other women who are pregnant would tend to agree. Hormones are not a cop out. They are a scientific fact. My doctor warned me about how the increase in hormones would likely leave me with up and down mood swings as well as physical changes. So either you are a doctor and disagree with my doctor or you MUST be smarter than a silly person with an MD.
Gimme. A. Break.
Well, I'm not a doctor, but I know a little something about pregnancy and hormones. This is my 8th pregnancy. Now, to be honest, I have had 5 miscarriages (a few late, one as late as 19 weeks). And, I have gone through fertility treatments (ivf/FET). So, yes, I know something about hormones. I certainly have my moments where I get emotional. But, I am able to see I am being ridiculous and I reign it in. I know that my dh wants/nees his wife, my chikdren need a sound mother and that I do have some control yes. And, i would venture to say that if a woman who has suffered 5 miscarriages and gone through significant trials to get pregnant can keep her act together, so can you. If you are THAT weepy that you can't reign it in over something so trivial, perhaps you should mention the severity of it to your doctor, it could be depression/anxiety or something else. That does happen to some women during pregnancy.
Anyway, I've said all I think I need to say. Good luck to you op. Given that we are both due in May, I'm sure I'll be seeing you around. Should be fun. For me.
I understand where you're coming from with the raging hormones and weeping all the time but I do think that in this case you're in the wrong.
I don't think it should matter which family is told first and it should be done by convenience to you and your husband.
I don't know your sleeping patterns and what not by I'm usually in bed my 9pm and can barely keep my eyes open past 7pm, so being called at 9 and asked to go out wouldn't really make the the happiest person in the world. Actually it would more than likely make me really grumpy. But if it gave me the opportunity to nix a 4 hour car ride as well as save me some gas and money on taking my sister in law out I would have splashed some water on my face, gotten dressed and be ready for when my husband got home.
I think owe your husband an apology because just as you can't control your raging hormones your husband should have to feel the wrath of them on something that in the long run won't really matter.
I have terrible mood swings currently and I've been a little emotional (okay a lot) but I've been more careful and I pay attention to the tone I'm using and I usually catch myself and apologize once I've stepped out of line. Honestly you can't control your hormones 100% of the time but you do control your reactions to what they have made you say/act. Once I realize I'm being irrational I follow up with an apology, I'm lucky my husband has patience with me!
I hope your SIL is still in town and you can save yourself a trip and some money as well as get to have a nice visit with her.
My two cents.
I agree with some of the previous posters. I think you were being selfish, and throwing your raging hormones at your husband when they weren't warranted. You had an opportunity to see his family together, to tell them in person (like you want to do for your family... because it's important to you), and you were unwilling to go until he got upset with you. If you were in his shoes, are you telling everyone that you wouldn't want the opportunity to tell your family in person, when they are all together, to save yourself a drive and create a memorable experience?
You had the time to prepare yourself, and instead you stuck in your heels. I do not think he had the right to get equally pissy, and probably should have handled it better, but you should have thought about someone other than yourself and sucked it up, gotten ready, and gone. This is a once in a lifetime event, the birth of your first child, and if "in-person" family announcements are so important to you then you need to reconsider what you view as compromise. If his sister is no longer in town, you should think about taking the time to drive out there, seeing as your raging hormones have robbed you both of an excellent opportunity, and to show him that you care equally about the announcement to his family, as you do your own.
What you said here is exactly how I felt, when we were on the phone I told him that I wasn't sure if I was ready to change our plans. PPs have made comments about how his drive home should have been long enough for me to "suck it up" but his drive home is 5 minutes. Literally. I really did want us to talk about it but because I resisted right off the bat, he was pissed and wasn't going to change his mind. He was not asking me, he was telling me that we were going to go over there and was hoping that I'd be fine with it. I know this isn't all about me, of course it isn't! I wish so badly at this point that I would have been in my "normal" mood because although I may have still been hesitant, I highly doubt it would have escalated as it did. It is also irritating that a few PPs are now painting me as a person who needs to be on meds because I'm pregnant and emotional. Every pregnant person that I have ever been around has burst into tears over something that seems very small.
Trainwreck. Cannot turn away.
No, OP. YOU painted yourself that way in your posts and frankly, it seems to fit. I have no idea what kind of pregnant people you are hanging out with, but many of us pregnant people do not use pregnancy as an excuse to lose our minds/self comtrol. Being told you are going to have fluctuating hormones is not a license to rage/cry/whatever over stupid stuff. I just want you to realize and own the fact that you do have some control over your own mind, behavior and reactions regardless of your raging hormones.
Edited to add: The other thing I wish you would consider is that there are very few opportunities for dads to feel really connected and involved in the pregnancy beyond just a supporting role. This is one of those opportunities. So, where telling my dh's family is concerned, I do let him call the shots. He runs that show and I am happy to let him because I see the pride and excitement and I would never want to take that away from him. While everyone is fawning over mom-to-be for 9 months, this is one opportunity for it to be about him and for his family to celebrate his role. My ego, pregnant or otherwise, can totally handle playing the supporting role so my husband can have a chance to shine.
Yea..I have to agree that this isn't a big deal and not something to fight over. You should have gone so your DH could have shared the news the way he wanted to, and although you say you were willing, your attitude (crying/weeping) seemed to ruin your dh's excitement.
I understand how you feel...I'm 14 weeks and still feel like death. You can't pull the pregnancy card. It's annoying and your DH might resent it after a while. I have a son at home- I throw up with a smile on my face and continue to do what I have to.
Your family finding out 2 days later is nothing. Shouldn't have mattered.
the way i look at it you had two options:
1. go to hubby's family that evening and tell them (it sounds like he has a tight relationship with his sis, which is why he's upset). then go to your parents house the next night (or that same night) and tell them... DONE
2. during your family weekend, skype his sis in during the time you plan to make the announcement; it's as real time as you can get and hopefully your SIL appreciates you accommodating her being 2 hours away... DONE
hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20 so i can say that you BOTH are being stubborn. but i'm sure while all this is happening you two weren't thinking you were.
well, aren't you just the perfect wife and mother! You never let your emotions get the best of you. You never take control of situations bc compromising is always the better choice. And you allow your husband to dictate major decisions so he can feel involved in the pregnancy. You're a walking paragon! I cannot say the same for myself...
Op, you both over reacted. We've all been there at one point of another, except for PP of course. Instead of rehashing why it didn't happen last night, make plans for this weekend. If he doesn't want to, then tell him you're willing to put it on the back burner until he is ready. GL. And word to the wise, stop trying to justify your reactions to snarky bumpies. It will only give them more mojo to pick you apart and make you feel like junk.
Sounds random. This totally reminds me of the Jonas Bros tv show when she asked for just a minute and he kept on so she locked him out of the bedroom. Sorry it turned for the worse. I would apologize and blame it on the crazy hormones. Then he'll apologize and all will be well.
"Honey, I'm so glad that you are excited about telling your family. We were worried about telling your sister and now it's perfect. I apologize I wasn't quick to share in your excitement. I didn't realize how much this pregnancy would zap my energy."
Or whatever you want to say. And girl, holding the baby in your arms is the happiest time. Pregnancy has its moments, but as a whole it is a beat down. Hormones, back aches, congestion, swollen ankles, morning sickness, exhaustion, body aches, cramps, restrictions, acne, leaky boobs, etc.
This. Getting to announce is one of the small ways DH can be included. Put on your big girl panties and do something to make your DH happy instead of being so stubborn and selfish. On a side note: I went on an 8 HOUR flight during my 5th week of pregnancy to tell my DH's family. We flew from England to Virginia. Then so that he could tell his best friend we drove 10 hours during my 6th week. And we did all this with a 2 and a half year old. Was I unhappy? Yes, of course. I was tired, and nauseous. Did it make my DH happy? Yes, so that makes it worth it!
my thoughts are as following.
Your family is not going to care when you tell them! I am sure they are not going to be like OMG she told me two days later than her in laws. I told my family before the pee stick was dry. I knew either way i would need emotional support we told DH's this week after we had a US with a ute baby and heartbeat. IT IS HAPPY NEWS so regardless of when you tell everyone should be happy.
At any rate, this post isn't about me. OP posted her mess, I responded with my thoughts. Not sure why I have to become a topic in it. {{{shrug}}}
Don't feel bad for me- I never said I wanted in on it. I'm also a great wife and fantastic mother :pats self on back: but in a different way. And you made it about you by posting your experiences (in a completely unnecessary judgmental way.) and you seem overly invested in this, it's not your life. Stop caring so much how someone reacts. Just bc you would NEVER act like that, doesn't mean she is a selfish person, a bad wife, or future mother. It means she now has experienced something that will help her to cope better next time her emotions get the best of her...
I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through this argument, both with your husband and on a site that is supposed to be supportive. I think people have been pretty insensitive on here, and if they didn't want to be supportive, they didn't need to say anything, especially since your original post asked everyone to bash neither your husband nor you.
If you talked about how you wanted to do it beforehand, then you need to talk about it together when either one of you wants to change the plan. Try to remind yourselves that this is about both of you as you discuss all of this again.
P.S. I cry at random and specific things and can't help it. It would benefit all of us to remember we all handle pregnancies differently, no matter if it's our first or not.
Married: December 19, 2009