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January 2012 Moms
Struggles and frustrations (DH)
I know a lot of people say it's normal and a lot of new parents go through a really rough time.
But I feel like I'm the only one really having issues and am starting to feel, well...... unhappy 
I love my husband and he's a great and amazing man in so many ways. I mean I obviously had more than one good reason to marry him. He certainly has flaws but I'm fully aware that I have them, too. Marriage isn't always easy but I'm aware of the fact that we are all different, some things can't be changed and you have to compromise. We've been doing great with that! We communicate and talk things out, we don't really fight or argue, we just really try to talk things out.
But lately I'm just angry and I want to fight. I feel like all the talk is just not getting us anywhere. He's always had issues with getting up on time (unless it's HIS work he needs to get to at a certain time). It has always bothered me b/c as much as I understand that some people really do have difficulties with it, I know that he can do it if he wants to which makes me feel unapreciated. We "fixed" the issue before by simply driving separately. But with DD here and the $ situation we're in right now that is not an option. We can't afford to spend $400/month extra on parking and gas. He was applying for PT jobs and some actually responded but then he never contacted them back.
Anyway, the big issue besides the time thing I have is the fact that he's ALWAYS "sick" And by that I mean, there is actually nothing wrong with him or its something simple. Yes he's had pneymonia a little while ago and some other more serious things, but then he uses that and just says, "i feel like when I had this" But there is nothing wrong, no symptoms, nothing!!! He has a sinus infection (and I"m having a hard time believing that to be perfectly honest) and he's been feeling sick for over a week now. But there are absolutely no symptoms at all! So again, I'm the only one running around getting everything done, and tending to DD during the night which are now really tough again. I made him do it last night and he was such a jerk! And he also questions me if DD is still crying, whether i've checked her diaper or fed her and how my "method" obviously isn't working. This is becoming a real issue for me and I don't even know how to go about it anymore. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to look at him. I know I"m more sensitive than usual but we have a child. The biggest responsibilty one can have! And I he's being childish and very selfish. Every day there is an excuse for not doing something.
And just to clarify the frequency of being "sick" At least one day a week he's got something where I need to step in for DD. He hasn't done much at all (other than "watch" her while I go to the bathroom, run a load of laundry etc) for the past 3 weeks now. He was sick on my bday 5 years in a row (we started dating 7 years ago!). This year, he was sick for new years, when I was in labor, for Valentines' Day, my bday, mother's day....
I don't know. I'm sorry ladies I"m just rambling on now. There is so much I want to say that I don't even know where to begin. Does it get better? Please tell me it does.
Thanks for listening! And you deserve a reward if you read this whole thing 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Struggles and frustrations (DH)
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know you'll get this advice often, but have you considered couple's counseling? It's a neutral setting where you can get your concerns on the table (and he can voice what he may have to say too). You could also bring up that he may have hypocondria. Either that or he has some more serious medical condition he needs taken care of.
I hope you can get this worked out. Don't be afraid to arrange a vacation for yourself to recharge. Maybe some time with just him and LO will help him appreciate all you do.
At our 9 month appt this week we got an Info sheet that said its important for the care giver to get rest. You need your rest too. Could your husband get a complete work up at the doctor to rule out some of his problems?
Are you upset that he is constantly "sick"? Or are you upset that he is not helping with LO because he is always "sick"?
Side note: We have MANFLU right now and my H is gonna die from it.
H: Brit, I'm so sick, I'm gonna die.
B: Will you call 911 before it happens?
H: I'm too sick. I can't.
B: Glad I don't have that.
Duke's House: Eating and Running with the Big Dog in Chennai: eatrunbrit.com
2010 Race PRs:
5K - 24:57 10M - 1:28:20 13.1M - 1:57:29 26.2M - 4:28:29
Thank you ladies for the support!
I do believe that some sort of counceling would be helpful also because I need help in getting things out that I want to say. I'm at a point where I'm just pi$sed and don't even want to talk to him. So I need to work on that and my guilt that we are having problems, real problems because we have a baby. I feel like I'm an awful person for making an issue out of this.
The other problem is that my husband sees absolutely no wrong doing on his part. If we need counceling he'd think it's my issue not his. He thinks that all his excuses are absolutely valid and that I'm not being supportive. (another thing about support - I started a blog, the only thing I do for myself. In hopes he'd be happy and proud I told him only to hear "well not to sound like an ahole, but don't you think you could spend that time better" He's taken multiple days off to go golfing with friends, he's going on a 2 day guys trip in two weeks as well. All the things I want him to do as everybody needs a time to get away. He says he totally wants me to do that too but then when I actually DO he has issues with it. If I suggested a trip just for me, he'd completely make me feel miserable where I wouldnt even want to go. I don't want to say he's a bad man, not at all. But he can't see past his best interests at times.
And BritsLuna would it be weird if I said that I loved you LMAO. You crack me up!!!!!!!
And you know I think I'm upset about both those things. About the fact that he's simply not pulling his weight. And he is very cocky and opinionated at times. Like yesterday when I attempted to go shoe shopping and found a cute pair of red shoes. His response: "well just so you know those look cheap. Trust me I have a very keen sense of style" A - I wanted to die of laughter b/c that's the joke of the century and B - are you saying that my taste is cheap?
I'm at a point where I'm just way upset about everything he says. Which I know is partially my fault b/c I dont know anymore how to address the issue. I dont think a convo would go well with his stubborness and me being on the very edge. I know I'll blow up and it won't do anything. But suggesting counceling, which I think we need, is going to be a big issue as well......
I feel like a faliure for not being able to fix this. This should be the happiest time and I"m fn miseralbe and so tired that I'm upset and ticked all the time.
*SIGH*
Ugh. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Is there any "legit" reason that you could use to bail for a few days?
ETA: We had a turbulent adjustment process. The only thing that made my H realize how much I was doing was for him to have to do it himself for a few days.
Duke's House: Eating and Running with the Big Dog in Chennai: eatrunbrit.com
2010 Race PRs:
5K - 24:57 10M - 1:28:20 13.1M - 1:57:29 26.2M - 4:28:29
I wish I had a reason to get away...
Where would I start if I wanted counceling? What is the cost, would anybody know? I seriously have no clue where to start. But the more I think about this, the more I realize that this is a bigger issue that needs to be fixed before there is too much anger and resentment.
Thank you all so much! I really and truly appreciate this and it helps a lot more than you think.
I just wanted to chime in that we had a rough adjustment to our first son. I think we both thought we were working harder than the other person. we talked it out rationally, and we "talked" it out ... um... not so rationally. The resentments on either side would ebb and flow over the first two and a half years, I'd say. But they generally improved over time.
Ironically (and I'm NOT suggesting this is a good solution, just how it happened for us) the thing that made us really settle down and feel miles less resentful was having another baby! I think now we're both so friggin' busy all the time there's just no question whether someone's doing more. We're both in constant motion!! hahaha... ha. ha.
Anyway the best place to start with for options re: counseling would be your insurance company. They'd be able to give you the run down on your coverage as well as a list of qualified therapists in your area. If you're not covered, perhaps your church, if you have one, would have some contacts. Your child's pediatricians office would also have a list of marriage and family therapists in the area. If you are in southern california I actually have the name of one that came highly recommended to us for this sort of thing.
You're not a failure for needing counseling. We all need a neutral opinion from time to time. I suggest it because you say you can't really talk to him, and counseling gives you a nonconfrontational place to do so. A counselor makes a job of making sure everyone gets their piece in and communicates in a way the other person can understand.
It sounds like what you need is for him to respect you and what you do. You also need him to step up with LO and stop making so many excuses. Even as the mother, you have the right to do something for you, including the blog. Hell, I sometimes have DH take care of DS so I can have a few minutes to surf the web without wrestling a baby. It's legit because I need time to step away from my mommy duties occassionally, especially since I'm a SAHM and only get a break when DS is sleeping.
I hope you two can work this out. Stand your ground when you know you need to take care of yourself, even if he says he feels sick. Sounds like you don't get a sick day, so why should he get one so frequently?
Sorry you're having such a hard time. I don't have much advice. I just wanted you to know you're not alone and that we really must be married to the same man!! One thing that makes me most angry is when we have to go somewhere, I'm the one that gets both kids and myself ready and packs the diaper bag. He's just throws on some shoes then waits for me! This may not be very good advice, but I try to be happy inspite of him. I don't want to spend my kids' youngest years angry, because he can't pull his act together. It sucks you have to go through this. I hope things get better for you soon.
Some good suggestions. With work, where I was has an EAP employee assistance program for counciling, and it also includes family stuff. HR gave me the brochure in my separation packet, but I decided not to follow up with that my mom's boyfriend reccomended someone that he's reffered clients to.
You could also ask your doctors office for who they might recommend. Either your primary or your ob/gyn depending who you feel more comfortable with. Though on a sidenote, watch out for a doc that just wants to give you meds to help you through a rough time. That happened to me a few years back, and I hadn't followed up with counciling when I should have.
I'm in the same boat right now, it feels like I could have written most of your post replace sick with "busy" , and its rough. I try talking to him and we just circle round the same topics from the same points of view. I think I'm going to schedule some one on one counselling sessions then set up some couples ones. We saw someone when TTC and he got mad at me for mentioning certain things because it made him look bad.
Best of luck, I hope you can work things out with your DH. It can take awhile when issues run deep, but starting the process of getting on the same page can help. It is frustrating feeling like this.
DUDE! I think they are clones!
Oh my lord, I just about want to lose it when we are headed out and he is impatiently waiting for me playing around on the iPad as I'm running around getting everything we need to get out the door. I've started giving him instructions like: "we still need x, y and z." I think they just don't realize what needs to happen so need some guidance. But I've yet to see him turn to me and ask what we need to do to get ready
I'm going away for work for 3 days next month without the kid. I can literally not wait to be alone for 3 nights in a bed by myself. Some people dream of Tahiti, I'm dreaming of Minneapolis! For a few moments I felt guilty about leaving them to work it out, but then I remembered all the times I've had mommy duty on my own overnight. I think it will be very good for DH and us as a couple. Maybe not so good for the baby in the short run, but I'm sure he'll survive.
Leaving H on Daddy-duty for a few days did the trick for us. The second night of being one-on-one with DD he called me and said "I am so exhausted. I was up with her at 5, worked all day, even after I got her in bed at 7, I still did not get to sit down or eat dinner until 8 because I had to get stuff ready for daycare tomorrow."
It was music to my ears. He has been pretty intuitively doing things since then. Each night he washes bottles, then makes new bottles, food, and labels for the daycare the next day. It is crazy. Who is this man who replaced my H? I love him!
Duke's House: Eating and Running with the Big Dog in Chennai: eatrunbrit.com
2010 Race PRs:
5K - 24:57 10M - 1:28:20 13.1M - 1:57:29 26.2M - 4:28:29
Can we have a day where we complaine about our husbands? I always feel better when I come on here and blow off some steam!!
I also started giving DH options. Do you want chore A or B? If he gets to pick, he tends to complain less.
I agree on leaving for a day or two. I haven't done this yet but plan too. I did force DH to do all night shifts once after he told me DS was easy to care for. I haven't heard that comment since that night.
I just got back from a 3-day work conference in northern MN. It was heaven! I missed DD terribly, but I came back fully recharged and ready to be the best mommy ever.