Question for Bio-moms

twinkl5379 · October 2012

Hello! I haven't been on in a while; things are going well since we moved. But something is on my mind. With such a diverse group on the board, I thought I'd start here!

How old were you when you got pregnant? Was it by choice? If so, how did you decide you were ready to have a baby?

I ask b/c my mindset has changed about this. Before we moved, we lived in a small town with no family or friends that we socialized with; so I really wanted to have a family or get the heck out of that town. Now that we've moved, we're having a great time! H and I do fun things together; I've made friends; we've made couple friends, and I'm traveling more with work plus have dinners/events in the evening sometimes. All this equals busy, in a good way. H also travels for work, and we still have no family around, aside from the s-kids.

The problem is that he's 36 and I'm 33. I'd been TTC for a while with no luck. I just had an HSG, but I'm not sure about what to do...wait or keep trying.

So...how does one know they're ready? (And who knows...even if I decide I'm ready I may not be able to conceive based on 2 years of trying with no luck.)

Littlejen22 · October 2012

I was 33 when I had my first, we Had a m/c 9mos before we conceived DS so I was 31 when I got PG the first time which was a year after getting married and on purpose. My thoughts are there is never a perfect time but the longer you wait the harder it statistically is so I'd you wait you have to be willing at accept that fact. As for the rest, going out will be harder but we travel a lot with the kids do life changed but I felt old enough for that.

kali55 · October 2012

Are you asking about BMs in a blended famiy or just BM in general?

I am a SM but this year I also became a Mom to our son. We have my SDs 50% of the time and I always knew I wanted to be a mom, so after we got married, we knew it was right for us.

I am sorry because this probably isn't much help to you in your decision making process and it's hard to make a decision when the clock is ticking.

Kaeldrasmommy · October 2012

I was 22 when I got pregnant, 23 when she was born. It was very deliberate and we waited until we had our own house, 2 vehicles and I didn't need to work. I always wanted a baby, and the only things that have occurred to me since having her is that I would tell people to keep in mind that you are giving up 2 decades of your life and that you don't only get a baby, you get a child, one that you have a responsibility to see become a productive adult. But I'm sure you already know all this. I am somewhat surprised at how little a baby changes things when you are already raising kids though.

emikat · October 2012

I'm not a BM, but being on the other side of it and wanting children now, I wish I had not put it off for any reasons. I've never really felt "ready" until maybe a year ago. I'm now 42 and close to facing that I may not have my own children. I have one more shot with an IVF cycle and if that doesn't work, I'm done unless it miraculously happens naturally. I feel that if you know you want your own family, I would highly encourage you not to wait.

Phantomgirl · October 2012

I'm right there with you twink.

When DH and I got together 6 years ago we both really wanted a baby together. I was being sensible and insisted we get married first, build a house etc.

We then TTC for a year without success and the pressure of that and others things mounted.

Also I was looking at DH parenting skill and attitude to SS. I then insisted that we both do counselling (I already was) and a parenting course.

So... 6 years later and all that achieved I am now very happy and content in my life. I have lots of friends and a busy social life. I would have to say that at the moment I can see the pros AND cons of having a baby.

Sometimes I think that if we did not have SS I would be happy to not have kids. BUT you can't decide not to have them when you already have one lol.

I just turned 34. Also another factor for me is that my mom hit menopause at 39!!!

Ilumine · October 2012

I did not get married until I was 35. I was already very happy in my "childfree" life - I had accepted that I might not have any bioloigical children and was more than ok.

So when DH came around, we talked and agreed that (after a year) we would actively try until I reached 37. Then let everything go from37-38 and then shut the baby making train down once I reached 38ish.

Now, I DID go and get all checked out and had to have one procedure (my tubes were clogged up) but I did not do more than that.

And we have a child whom I love to the depths of my soul. HOWEVER, I would also have been more than content in my life and marriage to not have had Monkey.

Becuase I am more than a mommy or a wife or child or an employee.

socloudy99 · October 2012

I'm with you too!

I wanted children but when we got married and the SKs were young we knew it would be too much to handle. Now that the SKs are older and I am 32 we have been trying for a couple years. I had one m/c and no luck since.

I go back and forth about wanting them. I am not putting my 100% in to TTC. Some days I think this is a mistake and some days I am okay with it. I think I will regret it if I don't give it my all. I think my at my 33rd birthday I will put my all into it and see what happens. It is all so confusing!

bdbelladonna · October 2012

I was 23 when i had my first. We had been trying and after 3 miscarriages I decided I couldn't handle another m/c I was pregnant a month later. It really wasn't a good time in the sense that I was working security and sometimes 6 days straight of 12 hr shifts and BF's government contract had ended and wasn't eligible for renewal. But we both wanted a family so we had one. Things worked out until our marriage fell apart but I got two beautiful kids out of the deal.

fellesferie · October 2012

I'm 32. I had DS at 24 and DD at 29. Here is my hindsight is 20/20 advice--

Kids change your life irrevocably and in ways you can't even imagine. It's so much more than poopy diapers and sleepless nights. You change, your marriage changes, your friendships change, your relationships with your family change. I'm not saying it's good or bad (because it will be a mixed bag of both), but it's all different. So, keeping that in mind, I think it's impossible to be ready for it.

IMO the closest you can come to ready would be having lots of spare energy and time, be very happy and sure of yourself, have a thick skin, be sure that you're capable of both putting another person before yourself 100% of the time AND not losing yourself, and make sure your marriage is exactly where you want it.

I'm not saying that you DO put the kid ahead of yourself 100% of the time. But you have to be ABLE to do it. When you're sick, when you're tired, when you've had a terrible day, etc.. you still have to be a parent.

dor79 · October 2012

I've always wanted my own child(ren), it was a deep need to have one of my own. My husband had two previously and I wanted to make sure he was fine having more if we were to get serious. He was open to having one (I am hoping maybe two one day).

We started TTC-ing when I turned 30... it took us a year to get pregnant and then I had DS a year shy of turning 32. That year TTC-ing was very hard on me emotionally. I am now 33 and DH is 41. It's up to him if we have anymore children. I am open to the possibility if he is.

Nineoceans · October 2012

I was 26, now to be 27 when I deliver. I've done a lot of traveling internationally, finished my masters degree, dated enough people, partied enough, spent a good two years getting myself completely invested and involved in my career and I feel like I am JUST NOW ready for baby. I could have even gone another few months before getting pregnant but we got pregnant on the first cycle.

I am so ready and excited to be a mom, I already am one to my SS so it almost feels too natural but I have no second thoughts about losing my private time or traveling less or traveling to disney instead of sweden.

I am so ready for the next chapter and so at peace to have the gifts of financial stability, emotional security, and a stable marriage to give my son and step son.

Banana44 · October 2012

If you want children - I wouldn't wait, but that is just an opinion!

I married at 34. By that time I had partied, dated, traveled, established a career, established friendships, and established myself and I always knew I wanted to be a Mommy. I conceived DD 2 weeks after getting married and had her when I was 35. It took me 12 months, 3 m/c, and minor interventions to have DD2 at 38. Also, the pregnancy was more difficult.

It is not a joke that age affects your ability to have a baby successfully!

I have never doubted my want and need of having children and all I cared about when DH and I married was my age! I knew I was getting old and if I wanted 2 children I needed to get a move on! My friendships changed, my desire to be away from home changed (so I changed jobs), but my love for DH and the strength of my marriage did not change.

Deep down - do you want children other than your steps? Only you can answer that question!

dmndsr4eva · October 2012

I got pg when I was 30 and had my son just after I turned 31. I thought I had found the love of my life. And we decided together that we wanted a baby. We had both been married before and he had two daughters already. Anyhow shortly after I had my son all hell broke loose and he left me for his coworker. I always knew I wanted a family and even though it didn't work out I am glad I have a son. It is NOT easy to raise a child especially without his father but it is worth it. I really want to have one more but I don't know if it will happen.

You really need to know that unless you have family close by that you trust to watch your baby or the money to hire a suitable babysitter it will be HARD. My only saving grace for the first year was that I had family close by that helped me. Like I said you will give up a lot to have a child so you really have to want it.

Holly_1007 · October 2012

I got pregnant at 21, had DS1 at 22. DH and I got married right after I turned 23, got pregnant with #2 when I was 24 and here I am, 25 with 2 kids and SD.

with DS1 we took the "if its meant to be it will happen" approach. it took us 3 months to conceive DS (guess it was meant to be!) in our eyes we loved each other and knew we would be together forever, and a family is what we wanted. so we held off on wedding plans until after DS1 was born.

not sure if we will have more, we are still settling into a routine now. DH is 32 so he is feeling the pressures of the clock a little more than I am.

fauxshelley · October 2012

I would encourage you to check out the Parenting after 35 board. All of those ladies conceived after the age of 35, some (like me) have older kids too. Many of my friends have had their first baby after 40. All I'm saying is not to sweat it, you have several more years to decide. Good luck!

twinkl5379 · October 2012

It's really nice to hear others in my situation. It feels wonderful to be in your 30's and to have achieved what you have - in your career, social life, financially, marriage, etc - and be happy at that place.

So often you're left to feel "odd" for not wanting to have a child since that's the #1 thing so many women want, which there's nothing wrong with that either.

Interesting to hear the different perspectives. It is such a tough choice. Like Phantom said, I wonder what it would be like if my H had no kids. I kind of feel like if I have to have kids in my life and be "somewhat" responsible for them (while DH is fully responsible), how can I personally chose to not make the most out of it by having my own...since the choice has already been made in a way.

Is that what you mean, Phantom?

So can I ask this of those of you in a similar situation (or have been)...was your life "better" or "enhanced" by having a child? Did you regret it, or is it something that once you did, you experienced something that you knew was the right choice even if you weren't certain before?

SueBear · October 2012

I had my first when I was 33. My due date was my 1 year wedding anniversary.

When DH and I got married, we both knew we wanted a family right away. Before we met, we had each travelled the globe, had good careers, friends, completed our education, etc. We were together two years before we married, and had a lot of couple time before then.

Also, DH was in his mid-40's,. and told me he would feel "like Tony Randall" if we waited too long!

Personally, I don't regret vacations to Disneyworld instead of romantic getaways. It's a personal choice, but I am living the life I want.

+j+k+ · October 2012

I don't know if this helps at all, but here is my story.

I was 41 when I had DD. So if you are worried about the age thing - don't. You have time. And I kind of like being an older mom.

How did we decide? I don't know what we were thinking applies given our situation and his crazy family. I foolishly thought I had control and that I could keep the craziness out of the house for good now that both of the kids had left. I gave it 6 months to get pregnant, only I was really lucky and got pregnant immediately. I believe DD was meant to be. H and I were in a good place then. But it was brief. Had I waited, I may never have had DD.

DD saved me in a sense. I was putting up with a lot of crap and settling for less than I deserved. Unwittingly by having her, she made me - and already strong woman - stronger. She made me realize what my priorites are and the right things that I need to do in my life. She helped me stand up for myself more and put up with less. I will never regret DD ever. Ever. My life would most certainly be easier with out her, but I wouldn't ask for easier now that I have her. She is everything to me and truly the best part of my day, every day.

You don't know true love until you have a child.

My only suggestion is this. Just make sure that you are doing it for all the right reasons and not to fill a void or you think it's expected of you.

Good luck to you.

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