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2nd Trimester
Telling Friends Who Can't Conceive...
I have two friends who have been trying to conceive for a while now and my husband and I are all set to tell everyone we're 14 weeks along. We tried telling one set of friends who can't conceive and the husband told us flat out that his wife will act differently towards us and will be upset. My husband is closer with him than I am with her and my main concern is their friendship. But I also don't think it's fair that I have to worry about upsetting them by me getting pregnant. I don't get upset at other people for having things I don't have (like an awesome job or more family).
What do I do about them and how do I tell our other friends who can conceive?
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Re: Telling Friends Who Can't Conceive...
We know 3 families in that situation, and i made a personal call to each lady and told them before we made it public. To the one couple we are closer to we mentioned when we were going to start TTC that we were trying.
All were very understanding and sweet. Hopefully that will be the case. I really would recommend maybe taking that lady out for coffee/ tea and telling her in person- as well as voicing your concern about the husbands' friendship!
Good luck!
Ditto all this. I can't even tell you the number of pregnancy announcements I dealt with in the 4 years we were trying. It does hurt, but after the initial hurt, I just dealt. I can't remember avoiding anyone because they were pregnant or had a baby, but it just takes a little time to adjust to the idea and realize that once again it's not you. Good luck.
***Twin fraternal girls born at 35w6d in 12/2008***
Wow. How understanding you are of people who are dealing with IF...
3/12 150mg Clomid + B2B IUI =BFP!! TWINS!
Vanishing twin at week 6
Tater-tot born January 3rd 2013
2 IUI's in 2016- BFN
3 IUI's in 2017- BFN
8/17 IUI BFP!!!!!!!!
The tone of your post sounds a little on the inconsiderate side. Like you're upset that they're not happy for you or that they may not want to be around you now that you're pregnant. I don't think you're trying to be hurtful, but it is very clear that you don't understand their position. Even using the term "can't conceive" instead something more sensitive like "are ttc" or "are struggling with IF" can be more gentile to those friends when talking to and about them.
But, to get back to the question at hand, you obviously have to just keep on living your life. Your IF friends know you didn't get pg to spite them, but that doesn't mean your pregnancy doesn't still hurt them. Be gentile and let them know you love them and want to share this happy season of your life with them. And let them know that you look forward to sharing the same happy moments in their life when their time comes. But be gracious and give them space if they need it (and they probably will need at least some).
Congrats on your own pregnancy and good luck telling your friends.
this, exactly. It may seem impersonal, but it allows the person to feel what they need to feel at first, and then get over it and be happy for you. It always took me a little while to be able to be happy for my friends who got pregnant while I was dealing with fertility treatment. Your friends will be happy for you, they just may need a moment to remind themselves that you didn't get pregnant to hurt them and that their time will come.
Also, if your pregnancy was a surprise, I wouldn't stress that too much, for some reason those pregnancies seemed to be more frustrating for me to deal with when I was trying so hard.
This was my thought exactly. You don't think it's fair? I'm sure they don't think it's fair they are struggling while everyone around them is having babies. If this is really how you feel, honestly, keep your distance from them.
Sorry to flame, but this is a pretty ridiculous statement and the comparison to being jealous of someone with an "awesome job" is especially insulting.
As others have said, if you can handle keeping "it's not fair everyone isn't happy for me" thoughts to yourself, send an email saying you know this is hard news to hear and that you understand if they'll want to keep their distance for a while (because it's nothing personal to your friendship but watching you be pregnant would not be easy for someone struggling). And don't say crap like "I know you're next!" or "Your time will come" because you don't know. Just keep it simple and to the point.
Norah transformed our family January 6, 2013
I agree with PP. We had problems, started trying before my sister and she got pregnant first. I had just failed my first cycle of treatment after a year of tests and trying, when she broke the news for the second time. She was really apoplectic about her announcement, and I was honestly happy for her but at the same time I was so insanely jealous. I was glad when we could get off the phone because I had to break down and cry and I didn't want her to feel worse. Sending a letter/email would give both friends a chance digest your news without "having to put on a brave face".
First, let me explain why the comparison to "awesome job" or "more family" is hurtful. Part of what is hard for those that conceive easily to understand is the reason it is hard to be near them when you are struggling. Our bodies are supposed to create new life. This is not something we "work for" and thus "achieve", such as an "awesome job". This is not like a pile of presents, and you just want more, like "more family". This is something that we all are supposed to be able to do, and when you can't it feels like you are defective, broken, a "bad model" and even more. Hearing of another pregnancy, no matter how happy you are that they are having a baby (and I genuinely was always happy for the couple), it is a reminder that YOU are NOT pregnant. That again your body has failed you.
Your pregnancy is wonderful, and you should be happy, but it may not be so easy for another person who feels broken, and (for me) as if your husband has "wasted" his future on a defective model, to become over the moon excited the moment they hear the news. I would suggest that you write her an e-mail, and you keep your thoughts that she is "cramping your style" to yourself. There will be so many people that will be overjoyed that you are pregnant and be willing to hear every up and down that you have, so in light of all that love perhaps you can share some of it with her and be understanding of her unfair position that nature handed her.
1. Tell her yourself
2. Tell her FIRST (do not let her hear this through the grapevine)
3. Remember the pregnancy is special, you are blessed, and she is acutely reminded of that every month. As "easy" as it may have seemed for you, you are very lucky to be pregnant, and she knows that, so try to refrain from any "it'll happen to you once you relax about it" kind of talk.
4. Be aware that this may sting her a bit, it has nothing to do with you, and a little compassion can go a long way in this situation.
5. Do not bring up your pregnancy around her. Let her bring it up first. Remember that before you were pregnant, you had a million things to talk about besides a baby, and you still do.
I agree with most of the PPs. However please do not take her out for coffee or call her. I think if you aren't close with the person, then her DH should just be the one to tell her. If you prefer to do it yourself, an email is a much better idea so she can process the information instead of being ambushed by your news and being forced to respond on the fly when in person or on the phone. Especially since you don't seem to be very sensitive to those struggling with IF.
I agree with a lot of the other advice given. Going through inferility is extremely difficult - and seeing others getting pregnant is heartbreaking whether that person is extremely close to you or not. You are happy that they are pregnant but the same time you are constantly dealing with feelings of doubt, sadness, and hurt. I agree about emailing them to announce and not to tell them in person as most likely she will want to cry or be mad (at least that is how I felt upon hearing news). You can announce to everyone on facebook - but I would caution not to make everything about your pregnancy when you are around her. I wish you the best of luck in maintaining these friendships and hope it goes well.
I was very worried about this both with this pregnancy and my 1st. My best friend and his friend have been trying to conceive for about 7 years. We share everything with them normally before we share with other people. With my first pregnancy I held off. We told them at about 9 weeks. By that point they thought I might be since we had hung out so much and I hadn't drank. After we told them they were happy and after a few months I was talking to my best friend and he told me I could have told them earlier. They were happy but hiding it kinda hurt them.
I just made sure I never brought up how long it took to conceive or anything like that. It was hard but she wanted to be included. This time we told them quickly. We had gone through about 9months of IF. They have been very supportive but it has been hard on them.
Good luck!
Well, I clearly used a terrible analagy and for that I am sorry. I didn't want people to take me quite so literally, I just wanted to get the point across that there are things in life that really bother me that I can't control and I would not treat others who have those things differently. I have not been through IF (and I don't know all of these abbreviations that are used so that's why I don't use them) and I always listen when they talk and offer support without saying things like "it'll be you next". I don't have a very sensitive personality and I like who I am so that's all I have to say about that.
Thank you to those who offered up advice, as that was what I was reaching out for.
If you didn't want people to take you literally, you shouldn't say things online. We can't hear your tone, we don't know your story, and we don't know you.
It sounds like, from your second post especially, that you really don't care about how this couple feels. You don't get it. If you don't care about that, you really should just let your husband tell this couple. It sounds like your heart isn't in a good enough place, and frankly, I wouldn't want to be around during that conversation. Not everyone has to want to do jumping jacks at the thought of you having a baby.
9 months is not IF, especially after already having one baby. It's almost insulting to those who are going through IF to say that.....
TTC since 03/2011
BFP#1 spontaneous conception! 4/28/12 natural MC on 5/9/12
IUI#1 with clomid and trigger on 9/12/12
BFP#2 on 9/26/12 EDD 6/5/13
Beta #1 143 14dpo Beta #2 343 16dpo Beta #3 920 18dpo
Please, Please, Please stick baby!
Baby Mackenzie born 5/28/2013!
I went through this same situation with a close friend of 15yrs. I was very nervous about her reaction and hurting her feelings with what is a very happy time for me.
Few thoughts after having done it just recently:
- I am so glad I told her individually before I "announced"
- I am SO SO GLAD I chose to tell her in person. I can't emphasize this enough. While email would allow her to compose herself better, it's too impersonal for someone you care about.
- I kept it short but emphasized what a close friend she is and how it was important for me that she heard the news directly from me. This implied (without saying) that I knew it was a sensitive topic for her and I was doing my best to be considerate/empathetic.
- I didn't talk about her infertility at all
All in all, the fact that you are asking here shows that you care about your friend and your friend's feelings. She too will do the same with yours. That's what friendship is all about.
I definitely understand the confusion there - but I also agree with you in a way. I understand that IF is very hard - my sister tried for two years and my brother and SIL had 3 pregnancies in that span (1 MC). It can be very trying when you see so many pregnancies around you and it just isn't sticking for you. I undestand.
This may sound insensitive and that isn't how it is meant, but there are always more than one side to the story - - I always feel like I have to tippy-toe around the subject for these people (I do think conversation should be avoided on it, but feeling like you CAN'T talk about it at all is frustrating!). I understand it is a sensitive topic- and I understand that you can get upset at whatever the heck you want to get upset over- but I don't think it's OK to take things to the point where you are "taking it out on the pregnant lady." It's not our fault that we are pregnant and you are not. I understand it sucks and you might distance yourself for a while but it's not OK to make pregnant women feel guilty about being able to conceive. IMHO.
IE: We have friends who have been married 6 years and have been unable to conceive. We have friends that were married 8 months and have been unable to conceive. The 6 year people were over the moon happy for us - the 8 month lady literally told me she was jealous and it's not fair. I understand it sucks- but it's not right to sit there and expect everyone to take pity on you and tip-toe around your feelings- That's up to you to deal with.
Long story short - have DH tell the husband who can break the news to the wife - expecially if you are not that close. If you are really close - you should tell her in person, sooner rather than later. Expect them to withdraw and just be there when they are ready to resume couple friendship. Until then maybe DH can still hang out with the other guy without you being around if that is what the other woman wants.
I like this approach. Sometimes people need some private time to process news like this, and I think it'd be better for this woman's DH to mention your pregnancy casually in conversation.
Since you already said you don't know her that well yourself, I don't think there's anything wrong with going about it that way. I see no point in making plans to meet with her personally to break the big news when you're not close with her to begin with.
As an aside, I always wonder about our friends (since we're all finding ourselves in our 30s these days) and their plans for a family, whether it's their choice not to have kids yet or perhaps they're experiencing IF problems and keeping very quiet about it. It's not my business either way, but I always keep that in the back of my mind, and while we didn't feel the need to tiptoe around anyone when we announced, we try to make sure that we keep the baby talk to a minimum around other couples that don't have kids. Because, at the very least, it's got to be boring to them if they're not at that same stage of life themselves yet!
I might get a lot of fire for this, but I grew up with a lot of jealousy toward me. That sounds all special and everything, but it happens as a little sister. I got married first, and my older sister was less than thrilled, and she was also less than thrilled when I announced we were having a baby. It's HEARTBREAKING that she can't be happier for me, in times when I DESERVE TO MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT.
Now, I understand being jealous. I had a M/C while my SIL was pregnant and getting bigger and bigger. It takes a lot of will power to be plain ol' delighted FOR others, despite what we ourselves have gone through. And maybe it's because I've been hurt by jealousy over, and over, and over again growing up that I say all this, but when I announce positive things that happen to me, I don't hold back. I give my loved ones the benefit of the doubt that they're going to be happy for me, as I would be happy for them. If they're not happy for me, and if my good fortune hurts them, then they can talk to me about it, and I can explain to them how WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS WE DEAL WITH, and nobody can say, "I have more problems than you." It's just that my problems are different, HORRIBLE, and different.
I hope that makes sense and that I'm not a horrible troll monster. I really don't mean to be insensitive.
3/12 150mg Clomid + B2B IUI =BFP!! TWINS!
Vanishing twin at week 6
Tater-tot born January 3rd 2013
2 IUI's in 2016- BFN
3 IUI's in 2017- BFN
8/17 IUI BFP!!!!!!!!