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LGBT Parenting
Bad parents...
really do not worry about being bad parents, right? I mean if you are worried you are truly going to screw something up then you cannot BE a bad parent? At least that is the saying I have always heard. I am agonizing over this decision and truly worried I have screwed Ky up for the rest of her life...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Bad parents...
You can tell me that I have overstepped....and...you are protecting Ky. Isn't there technically always the possibility that if you change your mind she might see your ex again? I don't mean soon and I don't know the circumstances, so I apologize if that is out of line. AND....when DW and I met her niece was 2. She and I hit it off pretty early. DW was VERY involved in her life - I know that is not the same as parenting her, and yet she was very involved. I mention this because our niece does not remember DW's ex.
God now I feel like I said two terrible things. I only mean to say that you did what is best for Ky and she may not remember these challenging times OR something may change in the future. For that matter, you could partner again and have someone who totally is amazing with her.
Hope these thoughts don't make you feel worse.
I do not know your full situation with A, and you're in the best position of anyone to evaluate the harm vs. benefit of continuing the path you've chosen.
But you don't have to choose now what will happen for forever, so you have plenty of time to continue to evaluate whether this is in K's best interest, and whether A has changed. No matter what happens though, A is part of your life story and part of K's life story.
IVF Oct/Nov 2012
Beta #1 = 77, Beta #2 = 190, Beta #3 = 1044
Cautiously optimistic.
Ditto all of the above.
In any case, I am sorry you are having to deal with this.
I'll echo what previous posters said that only you are in a position to determine that, and that what you decide right now doesn't have to be a final decision. I do think you and A owe it to Ky and each other to try and work this out (visitation, not the marriage) for her sake, but only you know the best way to go about that.
I wonder if there are any resources available to help you through this? One of the hard things is that as a couple whose legal rights aren't protected, you have to figure this all out without the things that are usually in place to help families through this. I know in Massachusetts my sister and BIL had to take a parenting course about "parenting through divorce" where they covered such topics as not badmouthing the other parent in front of the child. But even if you had all that available, it doesn't mean A's behavior will change. I'm just so sorry - this is a terrible situation for everyone involved and I know your goal is to do the best thing for Ky. *hugs*
AMH 0.5, AFC 5-8, FSH 7ish
IVF #1 - antagonist. Empty follicle syndrome. 1 retrieved, 0 fertilized.
IVF #2 - antagonist. Ovulated early. 3 retrieved, 2 fertilized, 0 blasts
I'm not familiar enough with the details to really comment, but wanted to just lend my support along with everyone else. From what I have read, the situation is sucky. And I'm sorry you're in a situation where you even feel like you have to struggle with these kinds of decisions.
Married to my amazing wife 6/12/10
TTC since 6/11
Unmedicated IUI #1 - 6/28/11 - BFN
Unmedicated IUI #2 - 7/25/11 - BFN
Robotic Myomectomy (Fibroid Surgery) - 11/15/11
Unmedicated IUI #3 - 4/24/12 - BFN
Progesterone Supported Leuteal Phase IUI #4 - 6/21/12 - BFP!!
Baby Boy G Born 3/24/13
On to #2, are we crazy?
IUI #1 - 11/28/14 - BFP! Beta #1 (11DPO) 34, Beta #2 (13DPO) 101, Beta #3 (20DPO) 3043
Ultrasound at 6w4d shows a single, fluttering heartbeat. Say hello to Sticky Ricki!
I don't know the whole back story on your situation, but from the things I've read here on the Bump, I do know that the struggles you are going through right now are quite similar to the things I went through when I left E's dad. They are common issues when both parties are under the strain of a separation and hopefully time and distance and both of you moving on with your lives will help ease things. In my situation, my attorney honestly told me that I could file for full custody and the judge would have granted it because of the place that he was in at the time our divorce was being processed. After I left him (because how he was treating me was not an example I wanted to set for E), he was fired from his job, an addiction issue at the root and he had to go through a ton of things to keep his career. Did I contemplate filing for full custody? You d&mn well bet I did. But at the end of the day, E loves her dad and I didn't want to hold the resposibility of that for the remainder of my life. He went through treatment for his issues, got back on his feet, and though he and I certainly differ on our parenting styles, at the center of it is E who has two loving parents. Do I think that over time she'll notice/question things with him? Absolutely. But by that time she'll be old enough to see it for what it is and make her own decisions about who she spends time with.
All that said, I wish you all the best in making your decision. It's not easy at all and I hope you find peace with the choices you make. Like Kershnic said, it doesn't have to be forever. Things can, and probably will, change. If you want to talk more off board, don't hesitate to reach out.
Thinking of you and sending big hugs your way...
I agree with everything every one already said.
I will share a situation that happ in our family. My uncle and aunt divorced and my Aunt had the kids mostly and would BAD MOUTH my uncle. My uncle was a decent guy and my aunt also decent they just were not good together. But My Aunt would constantly say bad thing about my uncle . So later in life that really did affect the relationship between my cousins an their Dad. My uncle stepped up in times of need ( helped my Aunt deal with her New Husbands Death and funeral ) all forthe sake of his kids - Later my Uncle even helped his daughters cope and deal with the passing of their mom ( he stayed with her at the hospital he made all the funeral arrangements ) this was his X wife he was the one who choose to leave but he did all this for his kids and well they are in their 30's now and after the funeral and after all he did.. They told him they wished he was the one who died and basically treat him as if he was the worse dad on the planet. SHAME ON THEM but I have to say SHAME ON MY AUNT ....because she created this tension this fury this huge wrench because she would always say not nice things about him.
So I can see where you are with A in this - as he words can have an affect but you have the upper hand because KY is with you FULL TIME not to say you should Bad Mouth A to Ky but... your in a tough situation and I am sorry that you have to deal with this and its a SHAME that A cannot see what she is doing or the long term effects.
HUGS
our Blog -http://dosbabies.wordpress.com/
This is a really tough one. My mother left my father when I was about 6. In retrospect, I am glad that I lived in another country than my father, he would not have been a good authority figure. I know that my mother thought it was the best option for us kids, but I remember things that as an adult I realize were manipulating the situation to her advantage. I distinctly remember her dictating a letter that I wrote 'to my granny' saying how much I wanted to live with my mum etc.
I suppose my point is this; children typically grow up to be rational, free thinking adults. I resent my mother for a lot that she did in the break up, but I also think she did the right thing in removing us from the situation. I think that as long as whatever you decide to do is a rational decision that is fair to the child, then you're doing the right thing.