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Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
Disillusionment
Phantomgirl
member
Today I got an email about discounted family tickets to the circus.
My first thought was 'o that looks cool', followed by 'BM or DH can take him', and followed by ?BM and DH can take him for all I care'.
It was one of those groupon deals, I switched straight to the massage offer for DH and I as a day out together. Something that ?I' would enjoy.
Then it occurred to me that I have not planned anything or done anything with SS this year.
For the first few years I was great at planning things and surprising SS and DH, I was really enthusiastic.
Last year I disengaged because of DH and BM bs and things fell apart. I thought I had plugged back in but today I realised I never really did. Yea I do pick up and collections BUT that's it.
So far this year, I have not shopped for SS (which means we bought him no new cloths) and spent any one on one time (outside of being home alone with him) or taken him on day trips (other than his football schedule). I guess I'm pretty much doing the bare minimum or what HAS to be done and I'm only doing it when DH absolutely cannot.
Did anyone else find that they lost momentum or became disillusioned over time?
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Re: Disillusionment
Yeah, I kind of have been doing the same. We did a bunch of day trips this summer and all SD did was whine and complain the whole time. so when we got a groupon for the zoo I told DH I just wanted to bring DS1 (and now DS2 will have to tag along since we didn't use it before he was born).
I'm really not looking forward to christmas. our budget is always tight, but we make it work. last year all SD did was complain about how she didn't get enough presents at our house and they were all boring compared to what she got at mommys house. She has tons of toys she never plays with, and all of her clothes still fit and are in great condition. I have no idea what we are going to get her for xmas this year. I kind of just want to skip it this year. (okay now I'm being a scrooge)
I agree with PP, why don't you bring SS to the circus? even let DH tag along, it can be a fun family thing!
I don't know if I'd say disillusioned, but yes, I went through a period where I did only what I HAD to do to keep things going. It was right after my daughter was born and I was struggling with a lot of hormonal issues and just not myself.
I will say this though, if you are happy and your H is happy and your SS is happy (which seems to be the case) maybe this is just what works for your family. You DO put in a lot of effort to keep things simple and civil between BM and your H.
Phantom, I think the one big difference in your situation is that it is not about your relationship with SS that makes you withdraw but about your DH. You have always been upfront about what you wanted and did not want about every aspect of this, I think that for you and SS you should just occasionally do something with him, even if it is once every two or three months. Go to the zoo and when DH aka why he is not going tell him he can come up with his own ideas!
I catch myself doing this when things with BM get especially volatile and hostile. I think for me it's my way of trying to make sure I avoid hearing her say something about BM that's going to set me off and so I don't slip up and say something I shouldn't. I always feel guilty afterwards, and I've wondered if K has noticed.
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This would be me. Last weekend, in the middle of an argument with DH, stated that the only reason why I got an Iphone (not that it was because he has lost or does not carry or hell PAY FOR his phone) and a brand new car (not even touching that one) was because....wait for it...
I put out.
Yeppers those words came out of his mouth 2 times.
So, I have not done a single thing for him other than make a family meal. *** will hit the fan tonight when he finds out that neither DH or I will be driving him to/from a football game. DH has a late golf game and I am not going to do it.
He thinks that his 16 yo ass is equal to a (over 35-under 45) woman, then let him figure out how to handle his life like a grown up would.
To be honest, it has been very freeing actually. He knows that if he ever raises his voice to me or DD directly he looses his computer (this is the punishment put in place when he screamed at DD back in January) so he has been very careful around me.
SO not having to deal directly with his very toxic self has actually made me less angry with DH. It totally slides off my back now because I have no responsibility for SS at all.
I don't condone violence, but I'm surprised and impressed that your SS is still walking. I would have completely lost it if anyone (child or adult) said that to me.
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I'm there. I started off in this BF journey going full steam in and for the first year or so, I was very involved. Maybe it was just the newness of it and partially my naivety about it all that let me feel that way. Currently, I feel very bogged down about the whole thing and if I had to do it over again, I would run far away from any man with a child, especially a young one. Complications and irritations in dealing with BM, not being able to live without scrutiny from some other person that I don't consider part of my family (BM and her family) because of SS and DH's involvement or prior involvement with that woman has made me jaded.
I don't feel as close to SS as I would if even he were adopted or if BM was completely out of the picture and our struggles to conceive on our own has made it even more poignant what I'm dealing with and doing above and beyond what I need to do. I've started stepping back and I'm very disillusioned.
DH gets SS for the winter holidays and I was really trying to convince him to go and visit SS and his parents without me. I really didn't want to have to foot the bill to have them here when I'm struggling with my own emotions right now and possibly dealing with the fact of being childless. Worse even, a childless stepmom. I read how other women who have trouble conceiving have to avoid baby showers and other child related events, but I don't have that cholce. I have to invite a child to live in my home and yet I will never know the joys of being mom. It's completely different to be stepmom. I don't deserve the same love and respect and those moments, so it's hard. I don't want to spend my holidays looking in on someone else's family and joy. Because right now I feel like an outsider in my own home.
I'm not looking forward to the day when SS is older and says to me some of the things that I read above. Dealing with attitude or disrespect in my own home is not something I take lightly. I'm scared and therefore have started disengaging. It's really the only defense mechanism I have sometimes. And yes, it makes me feel horrible and guilty much of the time. I know I probably need counseling or all of this will probably tear my marriage, or worse, myself to pieces.
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
If I had been in the room at the time, I might just have back handed his ass. I was in the bathroom giving Monkey a bath and did not leave because:
DH has finally realized what happens when you are a weak parent. He tried so hard to be the opposite of BM (who, while capricious, was very strict) that he became too permissive AND that by trying to TALK THROUGH things, he made SS think that SS was EQUAL to DH.
IE, the phrase "Because I, the parent, said so" has a place in parenting.
Every one of the therapsist we took SS to TOLD DH that this was happening. That SS was both learnig to manipulate and becomeing entitled.
Anywho. IN MY CASE, I have learned that consequences also have a place. Something that DH also had/has issues understanding.
Kids need to learn that bad actions not only get punished for, but that there are long term ramifications. Because in the REAL world, if you are continually disrespectful or do not care for your things or are lazy, you turn off people around you.
If mommy, daddy, granny, etc dont show that you have to earn back respect or trust when the child is young then it is much harder when they are older. Because in the end there isnt a connection by the child that the ACTIONS are more than a punishable act.
So, SS feels that he should be equal in our house, even though he does not do equal work, have equal legal and moral responsibility and any financial say. That entitle belief means that he also feels that he can say anything he wants.
He got punished for purposefully being rude to DH. My consequence for being dismissive and unappreciative of all my ADULT and MORE THAN EQUAL footing in this household is to remove said services.
Oh and he DID have a small hissy fit when DH told him no to the Friday Night Pick UP. But he did not say a darn thing to me. Mainly because he is still in the mindset that this is my "punishing him" and that in a week, it will all go back to normal.
DH and I agreed that I would give it a month and reevaluate. I think its gonna be a long winter.
Do you feel you do this because SS is not appreciative? I am the first to let SS know if I don't get a please, thank you or some sign that he appreciates what we do then the nice things go away.
I have to keep on top of him, but teaching him gratitude and giving to others has been an awesome part of being a parent. Last night he got to pick out a gift for another child's birthday and he was SO thrilled to give and so grateful and happy to be a giver instead of always taking. Even if we do something free like apple picking or going to play at the pool, if he doesn't have a good attitude we leave immediately.
Actually, SS will be the very first to say that he is extremely polite and appreciative to any/other adult - INCLUDING HIS MOTHER - in his life and that he doesnt feel he should with DH and I
He shits all over DH because DH treated him as an equal in daily activities, like discussing life decisions wiht SS as if he had a choice and by being passive with SS when SS did something wrong.
He treats ME like *** becuase he knows that, at least when it comes to him, DH does not take my perspectives into account when dealing with SS. I am a very strict parent with DD. Hell, even DH is stricter with DD (I cannot wait till we go to our first family therapy session and DH will have to explain the double standard to DD).
When DH did not punish SS for his rude behavior or would not allow me to enforce consequences I became less than a partner in SS's eye.
And I am not an equal partner when it comes to SS. And if neither of them do, then i dont need to do it at all.
OP, I'm right there with you. I used to try to be very involved and bend over backward to do nice things for SD, but after a few years of being $H** on constantly, I've pretty much given up. Her attitude never changes whether I go out of my way for her or not, "so why bother?" I think to myself sometimes. And DH knows that I'm pretty much done doing anything for her, unless it's absolutely necessary. I cook her meals and contribute to her basic needs, but that's about it. If she needs a ride, DH has to handle. If she "needs" (wants) something, she'd better ask DH. Nothing I ever did was appreciated, thanked, or good enough for her, so I've checked out until her behavior changes. And a lot of that has to do with DH and the way he parents her. He feels like he has to walk on eggshells b/c of her mental instability in combination with the poor parenting she received prior to her coming to live with us. He doesn't get (actually he says he does, he just doesn't change his behavior) that he's hurting her in the long run.
I am actually to the point that I cannot even stand being in teh same room as SD. Which makes it hard, b/c she lives with us full time. I don't want to look at her when I have to talk to her, and I keep that to a minimum. It really sucks. I asked DH again last night if he had scheduled the family therapy session yet. Sigh.