Naming issue - sensitive advice needed

starlightstef · October 2012

Ever since I was a young girl, I planned on giving my son my father's middle name, James. DH and I have finally settled on a first name we love and they sound great together, Emmett James.

Here's the sensitive part... I found out last week that my dad is having an affair and wants to leave my mom. Part of me feels like he's still my dad and was a wonderful dad growing up, so I should still use the name to honor that. Another part of me is very hurt and angry and doesn't want to use it anymore. Plus, if this really goes south, it might be odd explaining to my son that he shares his middle name with a man he might not ever meet (hopefully this doesn't happen, but who knows...).

What do you think? Please be nice, I'm a total wreck. Thanks.

romsoser · October 2012

I am sorry about your difficult situation.

Maybe the best thing to do right now is brainstorm other ideas and just sit on everything until it gets closer to the birth. A lot could change in the next few months that may change your outlook on using your father's name. Then again, nothing could change and you could use it without any hesitation. It's a tough situation, but luckily for you decisions don't need to be made right this very second as to the name of your child.

Fremdschamen · October 2012

I'm so sorry! What an awful situation.

A similar occurrence happened to family friends of ours back home recently, where the husband had a blatant ten-year affair, so I've thought about what I would do in this situation.

I also had a great dad growing up, but if he ever cheated on my mom in a long-term affair, I would probably cut him out of my life. My reasoning (in this purely hypothetical situation for me) is that for him to treat my mother (whom I love and adore, and has been nothing but devoted to him) with such utter disrespect is just despicable. It is one thing to be honest about the relationship with your partner, and talk to them when things aren't working, but it is entirely another to carry on affair while the other person is still putting their whole-heart into the relationship.In short, I wouldn't use the name.

However, this is just what I would do in my life-- I think you should try to get a little distance from the situation, if possible-- you still have several months before you have to commit to a name-- and evaluate whether you want to continue a relationship with your father, and whether you want him to have a role in your kid's life, given his behaviour.

((hugs))

MN_Jen · October 2012

My opinion? Wait on it.

You have several months before you need to make a decision. See what happens and how your relationship is then.

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time right now with your parents! That really sucks.

MsAmeera25 · October 2012

starlightstef:

Ever since I was a young girl, I planned on giving my son my father's middle name, James. DH and I have finally settled on a first name we love and they sound great together, Emmett James.

Here's the sensitive part... I found out last week that my dad is having an affair and wants to leave my mom. Part of me feels like he's still my dad and was a wonderful dad growing up, so I should still use the name to honor that. Another part of me is very hurt and angry and doesn't want to use it anymore. Plus, if this really goes south, it might be odd explaining to my son that he shares his middle name with a man he might not ever meet (hopefully this doesn't happen, but who knows...).

What do you think? Please be nice, I'm a total wreck. Thanks.

In reference to the bolded...why would your son not meet your dad...meaning as if it goes South with your mom you would cut off all ties with your dad??

danuli8 · October 2012

I am so sorry. That is a devastating thing to find out about one of your own parents. I saw your post on the Baby Names thread earlier. I think the other posters are right--try and hold off for a while and see how things shake out. You don't have to name the baby quite yet. I hope that your mom and dad can work things out, but it's hard to tell what will happen at this point. Just hold off for now and try and take it one day at a time.

kammmmay · October 2012

I also agree with sitting on it. You don't have to decide on a name now. My DD didn't have a middle name until we were leaving the hospital. If you are at all unsure about it, even when your baby is born, I would not use the name. You don't want to have negative feelings about your son's name. If you plan on having more children, you could possibly use it for another child down the road.

starlightstef · October 2012

MsAmeera25:
starlightstef:

Ever since I was a young girl, I planned on giving my son my father's middle name, James. DH and I have finally settled on a first name we love and they sound great together, Emmett James.

Here's the sensitive part... I found out last week that my dad is having an affair and wants to leave my mom. Part of me feels like he's still my dad and was a wonderful dad growing up, so I should still use the name to honor that. Another part of me is very hurt and angry and doesn't want to use it anymore. Plus, if this really goes south, it might be odd explaining to my son that he shares his middle name with a man he might not ever meet (hopefully this doesn't happen, but who knows...).

What do you think? Please be nice, I'm a total wreck. Thanks.

In reference to the bolded...why would your son not meet your dad...meaning as if it goes South with your mom you would cut off all ties with your dad??

My dad has been distancing himself from me lately (even before I knew why). I'm very angry with him now but I could see myself forgiving him with time. However, if he breaks the ties, there's nothing I can do about that. That's what I meant.

starlightstef · October 2012

Thanks ladies for your understanding and advice. You're right, I have lots of time and should probably just wait it out. I'm such a planner, that's really hard for me, but I guess that's what I'll have to do. The other crappy part of this is that I've always liked family names as middle names and all the other significant male names in our family don't go well with Emmett. It took us forever to agree on that name, so without James, we may be back at square one...

KellyM10 · October 2012

starlightstef:
Ever since I was a young girl, I planned on giving my son my father's middle name, James. DH and I have finally settled on a first name we love and they sound great together, Emmett James.

Here's the sensitive part... I found out last week that my dad is having an affair and wants to leave my mom. Part of me feels like he's still my dad and was a wonderful dad growing up, so I should still use the name to honor that. Another part of me is very hurt and angry and doesn't want to use it anymore. Plus, if this really goes south, it might be odd explaining to my son that he shares his middle name with a man he might not ever meet (hopefully this doesn't happen, but who knows...).

What do you think? Please be nice, I'm a total wreck. Thanks.

I agree with the PPs who said to wait, and to feel free to brainstorm other ideas while you see how things are going.

But if you decide to use it, and later find out that your dad is not a part of your life, you have options. You could just tell your son you liked the name. You could tell him he was named after your dad who was a fantastic dad, but for other reasons (he lives so far away when the child is young, the truth when he is able to handle it and understand it) you don't get to see him very often.

My grandparents divorced only a couple of years before I was born and my granddad moved to Florida and remarried. I've only seen him a handful of times, but I still know who he is and the reasons for the divorce and why some of my uncles/aunts hate him and others don't, etc. It's not weird, it is what it is. And it wouldn't have seemed weird if my brother was named for him.

starlightstef · October 2012

danuli8:
I am so sorry. That is a devastating thing to find out about one of your own parents. I saw your post on the Baby Names thread earlier. I think the other posters are right--try and hold off for a while and see how things shake out. You don't have to name the baby quite yet. I hope that your mom and dad can work things out, but it's hard to tell what will happen at this point. Just hold off for now and try and take it one day at a time.

I didn't post anywhere else...I hate to think someone else is going through this too. It's awful!!!

sbonnie · October 2012

I'm sorry you're going through this right now.

I agree with PPs, keep the name in your back pocket. A lot of things can happen in 5-6 months... you may still feel great about your choice... or not. There's no rush to decide right now.

I really hope everything works out!

bumpuser2669861 · October 2012

I also think waiting until a bit later to make a final decision is a good idea. The emotions are very raw now and maybe in a few months after you have had some time to talk with both him and your mom, you may have a different perspective on things. Also, as you said, he is a good dad...just not such a great husband.

danuli8 · October 2012

starlightstef:
danuli8:
I am so sorry. That is a devastating thing to find out about one of your own parents. I saw your post on the Baby Names thread earlier. I think the other posters are right--try and hold off for a while and see how things shake out. You don't have to name the baby quite yet. I hope that your mom and dad can work things out, but it's hard to tell what will happen at this point. Just hold off for now and try and take it one day at a time.

I didn't post anywhere else...I hate to think someone else is going through this too. It's awful!!!

Oops, sorry about that. You're right. The BN post was about someone wanting to give her little girl the MN James after her father. I thought it was a little odd to give a girl a man's name, even for a sweet reason like that, and asked if she might consider Jamie instead. But that wasn't you. I apologize.

JuneBugsMommy · October 2012

romsoser:
I am sorry about your difficult situation.
Maybe the best thing to do right now is brainstorm other ideas and just sit on everything until it gets closer to the birth. A lot could change in the next few months that may change your outlook on using your father's name. Then again, nothing could change and you could use it without any hesitation. It's a tough situation, but luckily for you decisions don't need to be made right this very second as to the name of your child.

Very well said! I completely agree!

Miss Bri · October 2012

I would wait until it gets closer to your due date to decide. I was in a similar situation with my dad, and at first when I found out I wanted nothing to do with him. After some time had passed and I learned more about the circumstances surrounding my parents relationship at the time, I was able to forgive my father and love him no less because of it. (I'm not saying that cheating is ever okay. I view it more as a symptom of larger problems in the relationship, caused by both- and I am in no way saying your mother was anything but the perfect most loving wife, this is just what I found in my situation) I hope this helps

MechanicMama1 · October 2012

MN_Jen:
My opinion? Wait on it.
You have several months before you need to make a decision. See what happens and how your relationship is then.
I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time right now with your parents! That really sucks.

i like this and feel the same way... Very sorry for your situation

Natsboys · October 2012

I would definitely wait on it and see. I know people who have had affairs and some divorce, some are back together. You don't know what will happen with your parents. My parents divorced very recently and although there was no affair involved I was resentful towards my father for various reasons but in the end he is my dad and what happened between them doesn't change his relationship w me.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it's very hard but give it time and you will lean towards one option more than another.

tondraluv · October 2012

As a person who has been through the same thing with her father I'd tell you to wait on it. I know you have a lot of anger inside you now and you might or might not feel the same way in a month let alone when the baby comes. I'm so sorry this is happening.

bhession · October 2012

Do you know for sure that it's even a boy?

sherina825 · October 2012

Wow! I'm so sorry that this is happening with your family. I couldn't imagine how hurt and angry you feel or the gamut of emotions you are feeling. Sending you hugs.

I'm a total daddy's girl and I would say that if you've always had a good relationship with him you should stick with the name. Although it may hurt you and you have every right to be, your parent's marriage is their marriage. If he's always fulfilled his duty as father then you should keep the LO's name as you wanted. Also, you said you liked them together and I think that it sounds nice ( but my opinion really means nothing).

It's also an option to give LO two middle names: one your father and the other your SO's father, although I have no idea what that relationship is like.

starlightstef · October 2012

bhession:
Do you know for sure that it's even a boy?

At my last scan, both the tech and doctor said they thought it was a boy. We won't know for sure until 20 weeks.

Thank you so much to all of you ladies for your understanding and well wishes. It was nice just getting some of this off my chest. We're trying really hard to just focus on the happiness of becoming new parents. In the end, regardless of what happens with my parents, I get to be a mom. DH and I feel very blessed and this child will be loved by many

lifesadance · October 2012

I'd sit on it and come up with some back-ups just in case but not make any decisions until the birth gets closer.

You want to honor the father you love and the man that raised you. I think that is beautiful. I also totally understand how your heart is probably breaking because of his actions at this point in time. Don't make any decision on this now.

starsjaime · October 2012

I would wait on it, for sure. I would be worry about hurting my mother further by having his middle name be James.

See what happens in the next couple months, have a back up middle name on the back burner. Maybe you'll find something you like even better!

laurenbell09 · October 2012

I really wouldn't be worried about your mother's feelings.

I've learned this the hard was unfortunately.

I, for years, tried to make my mother feel better when it came to my dad; but at the end of the day, he's my dad and her ex-husband. That's the way it will always be.

So in whatever situation, this is your family; your kids; you and your husband's choice. I think it's a very handsome name.

And it just so happens that we have the same thing, Levi James

Name him what you want to name him. It's not going to make your mom love him less that's for sure.

alber2am · October 2012

I would wait on it, think of other middle names just in case and wait and see after a few months.

My son's name is Emmett so love the first name choice!

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