How do I include my surrogate?!

tsharon · October 2012

Okay ladies...I lurked the board before posting, but I didn't find anything that would answer my question.

As you'll see in my sig, my best friend is our surrogate, and she's the bio. A shower has already been brought up by several people - and I think it's a lovely thing to offer. I'm very grateful and excited. I know it's still very early - only 11 weeks - but I need time to plan this if I'm going to do it. Hence, asking now if it's even appropriate.

At the shower, would it be okay if I gave B a custom made necklace? I want to work with a designer and have something made for her that symbolizes the bond we now share. Something just for HER, you know? I'll be the "star" of the party - as the mom to be usually is - and that just feels...wrong somehow. I want to recognize her in a special way!

Is this okay to do at the shower?

1026pumpkin · October 2012

Could you ask your hostess to list both you and surrogate as the guests of honor? Maybe you could ask her if it would be possible to do a toast (with Martinelli's!) to raise a toast to your surrogate for her generosity in carrying your child?

I would give her a gift- I think the necklace is a lovely idea- maybe also something to pamper herself with? A prenatal massage certificate or a little hospital package with nice toiletries, lip balm, massage ball, etc. for when she goes into labor?

I would recommend asking on the Adoption board, too. I don't personally know anyone that's been in this situation, but those ladies might have some better ideas for you.

While the main purpose of a shower is to shower a new mom with baby items, I think it would be lovely and appropriate to recognize your surrogate.

tsharon · October 2012

1026pumpkin:
Could you ask your hostess to list both you and surrogate as the guests of honor? Maybe you could ask her if it would be possible to do a toast (with Martinelli's!) to raise a toast to your surrogate for her generosity in carrying your child?

I would give her a gift- I think the necklace is a lovely idea- maybe also something to pamper herself with? A prenatal massage certificate or a little hospital package with nice toiletries, lip balm, massage ball, etc. for when she goes into labor?

I would recommend asking on the Adoption board, too. I don't personally know anyone that's been in this situation, but those ladies might have some better ideas for you.

While the main purpose of a shower is to shower a new mom with baby items, I think it would be lovely and appropriate to recognize your surrogate.

Oh! I love having them include her on the actual invitation! How sweet! The toast is also perfect!

As far as prenatal massages...I plan on spoiling her regularly anyway! Massages and pedicures are her favorite ways to indulge, so I've always told her she's getting it all throughout the pregnancy. And I also planned to make a special hospital bag, too.

You had some great ideas, thanks!!

maiatene · October 2012

when I read your post the first thing I thought abt was the episode of "Friends" when Monica and Rachel threw Phobe a baby shower (she was her brothers surrogate) and she got angry and cursed them out. I hear and understand what you are saying regarding recognizing her somehow and it feels wrong that you are the star of the party but at the end of the day you are the mom and she is the gestational carrier (apologies if that came off in a negative way bc thats not how it was meant). I think involving her in a significant way in the shower planning may remind her that the child she has carried and nurtured for for the past 9months isnt her baby.

I think presenting her with a piece of jewelry is a great idea but I think that should be a private moment between the two of you. I honestly dont know if there is a correct answer for this type of question but you should definitely speak with her about this before you plan anything. I would also see if there is a surrogates board here or another site so you can get their opinions as well.

Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best of luck

tsharon · October 2012

Joy2611:
I think this is a lovely idea. Kudos to your friend B and to you for having a wonderful friend willing to help you and your husband become parents. That's truly a blessing and a giving person. I think honoring her at your shower is appropriate and wonderful.

She's pretty amazing, yes! Sometimes I think I should pinch myself to see if it's all real...but it is! Thanks for your input!

mhickey426 · October 2012

I wouldn't include her in the invite but I think that it is very nice to present her with the gift. You wouldn't be having a shower if it wasn't for her so I think it is perfectly acceptable to present her with a gift. I think it is very nice of you to include her in your day.

The previous post said: I think involving her in a significant way in the shower planning may remind her that the child she has carried and nurtured for for the past 9months isnt her baby.

I am pretty sure that she realizes this already and if she doesn't realize this then she needs to realize this now.

tsharon · October 2012

maiatene:
when I read your post the first thing I thought abt was the episode of "Friends" when Monica and Rachel threw Phobe a baby shower (she was her brothers surrogate) and she got angry and cursed them out. I hear and understand what you are saying regarding recognizing her somehow and it feels wrong that you are the star of the party but at the end of the day you are the mom and she is the gestational carrier (apologies if that came off in a negative way bc thats not how it was meant). I think involving her in a significant way in the shower planning may remind her that the child she has carried and nurtured for for the past 9months isnt her baby.

I think presenting her with a piece of jewelry is a great idea but I think that should be a private moment between the two of you. I honestly dont know if there is a correct answer for this type of question but you should definitely speak with her about this before you plan anything. I would also see if there is a surrogates board here or another site so you can get their opinions as well.

Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best of luck

She's actually not the gestational carrier...she's the biological mother of this child. Still, I get what you mean.

Sadly, I wasn't very welcomed on the surrogates boards on other forums. We will have no biological relation to our LO (medical reasons), and so we were told on those forums that this is a "planned adoption" and not surrogacy.

And I would ask in the adoption group here, like a previous commenter mentioned, but I already had to ask a question about some of the legal aspects of the adoption. Franky, I don't want them seeing my tickers and whatnot again. I was in their shoes before B offered, and I would have given my eye teeth to be in the situation I'm in now. What an unbelievable luxury to be involved in this pregnancy from beginning to end...and it's not a luxury most women in my place get to experience. I just don't want to go there "rubbing it in."

Thanks for your input, though!

TX-Bride · October 2012

maiatene:

when I read your post the first thing I thought abt was the episode of "Friends" when Monica and Rachel threw Phobe a baby shower (she was her brothers surrogate) and she got angry and cursed them out. I hear and understand what you are saying regarding recognizing her somehow and it feels wrong that you are the star of the party but at the end of the day you are the mom and she is the gestational carrier (apologies if that came off in a negative way bc thats not how it was meant). I think involving her in a significant way in the shower planning may remind her that the child she has carried and nurtured for for the past 9months isnt her baby.

I think presenting her with a piece of jewelry is a great idea but I think that should be a private moment between the two of you. I honestly dont know if there is a correct answer for this type of question but you should definitely speak with her about this before you plan anything. I would also see if there is a surrogates board here or another site so you can get their opinions as well.

Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best of luck

These are exactly what I thought. Also reminded me of the shower scene in Baby Mama. I think it would be an extremely painful thing for her to be present at the shower. Is she your best friend or you consider her best friend because she is your surrogate? And by sharing a bond, you want her to be part of your life and baby's life as a bio mom? By that I mean how much are you going to have her involved? I am sure you have already got those questions answered but don't send mixed messages.

tsharon · October 2012

TX-Bride:
maiatene:

when I read your post the first thing I thought abt was the episode of "Friends" when Monica and Rachel threw Phobe a baby shower (she was her brothers surrogate) and she got angry and cursed them out. I hear and understand what you are saying regarding recognizing her somehow and it feels wrong that you are the star of the party but at the end of the day you are the mom and she is the gestational carrier (apologies if that came off in a negative way bc thats not how it was meant). I think involving her in a significant way in the shower planning may remind her that the child she has carried and nurtured for for the past 9months isnt her baby.

I think presenting her with a piece of jewelry is a great idea but I think that should be a private moment between the two of you. I honestly dont know if there is a correct answer for this type of question but you should definitely speak with her about this before you plan anything. I would also see if there is a surrogates board here or another site so you can get their opinions as well.

Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best of luck

These are exactly what I thought. Also reminded me of the shower scene in Baby Mama. I think it would be an extremely painful thing for her to be present at the shower. Is she your best friend or you consider her best friend because she is your surrogate? And by sharing a bond, you want her to be part of your life and baby's life as a bio mom? By that I mean how much are you going to have her involved? I am sure you have already got those questions answered but don't send mixed messages.

She is my best friend, and has been long before our LO was even a thought in our minds. We met 21 years ago in our first year of high school.

By sharing a bond, I mean this: A few days ago we had our first ultrasound. My husband and I sat right next to her as watched the screen flicker to life with image of the little Jellybean. I clenched her hand and the tears rolled down my face freely...she was just looking at me and smiling. It's a bond for life...the kind that makes two people who were friends into sisters.

She's very excited about being an aunt, and her husband an uncle, but she has always been adamant that they are WAY finished having kids. She has to two older stepchildren that she helped raise and a daughter of their own.

As for involvement, like I said...they will be our LO's Aunt and Uncle. We're leaving the relationship between her daughter and LO up to her daughter...she can be a sibling, a "cousin", or a friend. Up to her. (She's 13.) We will see each other for holidays, birthdays, parties, Girl's Night Outs, family dinners, barbecues, beach days...everything we all do together now. Nothing is going to change.

Our LO will know from the beginning that he or she grew in Aunt B's tummy.

jeffsjayme · October 2012

I guess I disagree with the PPs.

Here's what I think the situation is:

You and DH are having a lady carry your baby.

The egg for that baby isn't yours AND it's not the egg of the lady carrying it.

Instead, it's B.

If that's the case, I wouldn't put B on the invitation. She's the egg-giver, not the mother-to-be nor the birth mom. I think if you put her on the invite then it seems like you're both the moms, which I don't think it's your intention to raise the child that way. If I was a shower goer, not knowing the role that B plays, I'd be really confused.

I'd totally do the necklace thing, but not associated to the shower. You could get up at the shower, once you've opened the gifts and say "Thank you all for coming and for the lovely presents. And thank you B, especially, for giving us so much. You really are the best friend a gal could ask for."

tsharon · October 2012

jeffsjayme:
I guess I disagree with the PPs.
Here's what I think the situation is:
You and DH are having a lady carry your baby.
The egg for that baby isn't yours AND it's not the egg of the lady carrying it.
Instead, it's B.
If that's the case, I wouldn't put B on the invitation. She's the egg-giver, not the mother-to-be nor the birth mom. I think if you put her on the invite then it seems like you're both the moms, which I don't think it's your intention to raise the child that way. If I was a shower goer, not knowing the role that B plays, I'd be really confused.
I'd totally do the necklace thing, but not associated to the shower. You could get up at the shower, once you've opened the gifts and say "Thank you all for coming and for the lovely presents. And thank you B, especially, for giving us so much. You really are the best friend a gal could ask for."

She IS the bio mom. She is the biological mother of this child, and we used donor sperm. So yes, B is giving us HER child. No, we are not raising our LO with two mom. B will be "Aunt B."

I know this gets confusing...it's not the norm at all. But here we are, and I want to make sure she is acknowledged, by me, for the amazing thing she's doing. Frankly, I feel everything I've said so far falls short of being able to appropriately thank someone for the gift of making me a mother...but there's really nothing to do that encompasses the full spectrum of this situation.

jeffsjayme · October 2012

tsharon:

I know this gets confusing...it's not the norm at all. But here we are, and I want to make sure she is acknowledged, by me, for the amazing thing she's doing. Frankly, I feel everything I've said so far falls short of being able to appropriately thank someone for the gift of making me a mother...but there's really nothing to do that encompasses the full spectrum of this situation.

Totally agreed...I just don't think putting her name on the shower invite will accomplish that, but will make it confusing to the other guests.

TX-Bride · October 2012

I know you really want to do something special for her, but I don't think your shower is the best place for it.

Have you thought about after the baby is born throw her a party in her honor and if you want to give a gift to her in public do it then. I would make the guests of the party mostly her friends (I am sure with the history you mentioned it's a lot of mutual friends) and include her parents and inlaws maybe. Make it about her not the baby. This way you are in charge of the party, too not your shower host.

danuli8 · October 2012

Based on the very close relationship with B that you've described, tsharon, I think it is totally appropriate and wonderful to give her a custom necklace at the shower.

tsharon · October 2012

Okay, so overall I'm taking away from this that including her on the invite might be confusing, but it would be okay to present her with the necklace. That's what I'll do! Thanks so much for all the thoughtful replies...it was very helpful!

MelleTX · October 2012

The first thing I would do is talk to her and ask her what she is comfortable with in terms of a shower. She is your best friend so she may even be thinking she would throw a shower for you. At whatever shower you do have, I would treat her as any other guest. Yes, she is doing something wonderful and amazing for you, but she would probably agree that the focus should be on you and not her and your unique situation.

Whatever gift you choose to give her in honor of your extended bond (the necklace sounds lovely) you should do as a private moment between the two of you. Maybe after the baby is born in the hospital.

Congratulations!

SunshineMuffin · October 2012

I think many of us are confused because you are referring to B as your surrogate. She is not a surrogate; She is the birth/bio mother. I think that makes this an even more delicate situation. You are adopting her child. It's certainly going to be emotional. I agree with a PP who suggested that you speak with B about what she is or is not comfortable with in terms of the shower.

I know someone who hosted a small get together for her daughter's bio mom before the baby was born. They gave her gifts having nothing to do with pregnancy/children. I don't know that it is necessary, but that might be a possibility.

tsharon · October 2012

I already pointed out that she's the bio/birthmother.

Traditional surrogacy would have been her carrying the baby, with her own egg utilized, and DH's sperm. In that case, she would most certainly have been a surrogate. The only difference is that we used a donor. So no, I guess she's not a typical surrogate. But to that end, she's also not a typical birthmother. She got pregnant on purpose, with the intention of giving the baby to us.

I guess since we don't fit in the regular adoption category, nor the surrogacy category, we had to choose something to call her and that was it. "Birthmother" would imply something completely different than what's actually going on with us.

But thanks for the idea.

taylorfriend · October 2012

*lurker* coming out... Lol

I think giving her a gift at the shower is a beautiful idea. I don't think you need to put her on the invitation, but I'm sure she will be more than thrilled to share in your special day. All I can say is have the box of tissues handy when you present her with a gift because I know my bestie and I would burst into tears in that type of situation. I just want to give your bestie a huge hug for being such an awesome friend to you and your husband in a time of need. Many blessings to your future family!

SunAndRain · October 2012

This is a VERY personal and unique situation and honestly, I wouldn't make it the focus of your baby shower. I'm not even sure I would feel comfortable having a shower because the baby was born just because....this will be such an emotional time for her. Even if she is happy for you that doesn't mean she doesn't feel the rush of pregnancy hormones that causes our minds to defy all logic.

I don't know you and I don't know your friend but personally I would NOT want a shower until after the baby was born and I was 100% certain that this baby was going to be apart of my family. Because legally, she can change her mind. And I know that is a horrific thought, but I am only trying to help figure out the best course of action as far as your shower goes. So my vote is to hold the shower until after baby is born, and then take a moment to recognize her. Then get back to YOU (and your baby) being the focus of attention.

Jen727BF · October 2012

tsharon:
I already pointed out that she's the bio/birthmother.
Traditional surrogacy would have been her carrying the baby, with her own egg utilized, and DH's sperm. In that case, she would most certainly have been a surrogate. The only difference is that we used a donor. So no, I guess she's not a typical surrogate. But to that end, she's also not a typical birthmother. She got pregnant on purpose, with the intention of giving the baby to us.
I guess since we don't fit in the regular adoption category, nor the surrogacy category, we had to choose something to call her and that was it. "Birthmother" would imply something completely different than what's actually going on with us.
But thanks for the idea.

Lurker...

Surrogacy is exactly what she is doing - it just doesn't fit into the "typical" situation. I am sorry that anyone ever gave you a hard time about fitting into one of their boards. Unfortunately, it resembles how society is not always excepting of those that are different. Regardless, I think it is a beautiful idea to give her a present. And I would not include her name on the invite.

Good luck with whatever you do!

tsharon · October 2012

Thank you all again, so much!

(I'm not the least bit worried about having the shower beforehand. I know it might seem a bit sketchy to others, and I totally understand that...I might think so too in any other situation. This situation, though, is one I'm 100% comfortable with.)

palma44 · October 2012

I love the idea of including her on the invitation and getting her a gift. I also LOVE that you are spoiling her through out the pregnancy. Pregnancy is so emotionally and physically hard but it is all worth it when you end up with a baby, so for her to carry and bond with this baby is an amazing gift, it is so great that you can see that and plan on trying to make her feel special.

Good luck to you.

ChristinaL27 · October 2012

I was just looking on the shower boards because I am planning my sister in laws baby shower... and I have got to say... what a beautiful story!!!! I love it!!!! I have a friend who carried her bestfriend's baby... and her bestfriend also cooked them dinner once a week... occasionally it was a "cash" gift for her to buy pizza for herself and family... or it was just a hot meal. AH this is such a beautiful story. Great idea for the necklace and spa treatments.

Want a personalized experience?

How do I include my surrogate?!

Re: How do I include my surrogate?!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards