- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Special Needs
Princess_Lily
member
Vent: I feel Abandoned.
Princess_Lily
member
This month has been completely draining on me.
DS has been dx'd with Sensory Issues with his speech delay 3 weeks ago. Since DH's hours are so long (10-12hr. days), I am taking care of DS 98% of the time - taking him to therapy, discipline, etc.
I am also doing the majority of all housework - cooking, cleaning, laundry... taking care of our two animals. We don't make much money (avg. 24,000 each) either, but I do our budget. DH enjoys spending and to counteract his spending I don't spend that much. We don't have anymore savings - and we have accrued 3,300 worth of debt as of today. His answer when we run out of money? Use the CC! thats why we have debt DH...Its okay to spend CC responsibly...but we are in a hole now because we spent too much.
There is so much tension in my marriage in recent weeks...and although I try to do my best with discipline, finances & cleaning. I feel everything is falling through my fingers. Last night, DS refused to get out of the tub (kicking & screaming) which led to a blowup from both DH and I - he claims "I'm too nice." OT therapy is terrible right now - definace everywhere. Kicking, melting down, crying...
Unless you are the one giving him a bath don't tell me how to act with him...I'm doing my best. Lately he is constantly on me about my cleaning, my cooking & finances. Now the house doesn't look as it usually does - however my house usually will reflect my mindset at the moment. I'm tired, and have told him how I feel - and he has zero care, tells me I'm on a "bashing session" on him and that I'm taking out my frusterations on him. Every single time something is happening (behavior related) and I"m trying to handle DS...DH is shadowing me standing behind me and asking if I need any "help"...and by help he means verbally telling me what he thinks I should do w/o stepping in. He is doing this with every task when he comes home (my discipline, my cooking etc.)
I am so emotionally drained, and I'm reaching out for support and not getting any from DH. II have tried to tell him how I feel but he isn't receptive. The therapists have suggested a behavior therapist to help with DSs definance, however DH is saying that we just need to be more strict on him. He said, "How many therapists does this kid need?!? No! We need to be strict on him, we cannot let him get his way all the time - he needs to learn. He isn't going to a behaviorist." IMHO I feel like from this being said, he may be coming to terms with the recent dx as well...and maybe he isn't ready to accept it?
I'm so mad at my pedi, because I have brought up DS's sensory issues for YEARS, and they blew me off as it all being normal behavior until recently, and so for three years I have adapted coping skills to help with DSs issues - when many of it was just behavior. GAH!
DH & Pedi are pissing me off.
I'm crying as I type this...
Ladies (and gents if any) I am so emotionally drained from this...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Vent: I feel Abandoned.
((hugs)) I am overwhelmed just reading that. It sounds like you need help. It sounds like your DH needs some sympathy training.
Can you print this out and give it to DH to read or write him a letter about how you feel? Can you find someone to talk to? Can you tell DH that he needs to pick up the slack on the house chores for a while? Can you hire someone to clean your house? Would a date night help? Would a mommy's night out help?
When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I try to repeat these things to myself: Just keep holding on. One day at a time. It helps keep me focused on moving forward without feeling like I've got an insurmountable mountain in front of me. You can get through this. I'm sorry it's so tough right now.
I didn't read the whole thing because I was getting pissed off for you regarding your husband. If that was my husband there would be one hellacious come to Jesus meeting and he'd be stepping up rather quickly. He may have long hours but it is still his son and he should be taking an active role in his care. And complaining about the house? Oh hell no. I'd be telling him that instead of complaining maybe he should use his hands, feet, and brain and actually do something about it (pick up, clean, etc.). You husband needs to help and doesn't need to put you down or throw a tantrum himself. You are doing the best you can. And he needs to put the kabosh on spending also. Of course, I'm sure he'd consider the spending your problem even though he is the one actually spending the money.
He pisses me off.
I want to give you a hug. I have been in your shoes and my DH would say those things on occasion to me.
I think a behavioral therapist would be good for you and your DS. DS was this way and we have been going for 5 months. I have gotten more confident as a parent. I take DS with me every two weeks
Our therapist once said "I need to help you so you can help your son."
i agree! He is being awful to you! I get that people handle stress differently, but he is out of line. My DH also works long hours...leaves at 7am and returns around 6pm, but he understands that our home and child are not solely my responsibility. He does bath time, dishes, bathrooms, etc. I work full time (though I get home by three), so I do all the therapies, most dr. Appointments, etc. because my schedule allows, but he picks up other things (like the weekly grocery shopping).
We sat down after DD was born and divided up responsibilities to help lighten the load. When I have too much on my plate, I flat out tell DH I need help. Sometimes he doesn't "see" what needs to be done but he will do something if I ask. Honestly that used to bother me, but now I realize that he and I view needs differently.
Would your DH be receptive to sharing the duties?
I have a lot of the same feelings, and I have been going to a lot of therapy myself recently. After talking about it with her a bunch, I finally said to DH that I am doing a lot (and rocking at it) but that I still need his help. We then made a list of things, and he got to choose his areas of responsibility. The hardest part for me is not stepping in and taking care of it myself when he doesn't do his chore. If he doesn't recycle his beer bottles, for example, I leave them where he put them. And if I don't like the way he does a chore (how he puts away the dishes, for example), I offer a suggestion, and if he doesn't accept, I drop it. The same goes for my tasks -- he can offer an opinion, but if I decide that I want to do it a particular way, I get final say and he drops it. I'm working on a task chart for both of us, so that we can easily bring up when the other doesn't do a chore without it turning into a fight.
I also get told that I am "too nice", etc. So I really feel you on this. It is so hard. But I agree with others that a behaviorist is a good idea.
Aw hugs! I know how stressful everything else can seem when you have a special needs child. I try to keep my house as clean and picked up as possible, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. Last year, our money issues were so bad, I really thought dh and I were going to wind up separating. I'm glad we didn't, but we did start following Dave Ramsay, and started applying his met'hods.
I don't care how much or how little you make. If you're not on the same page when it comes to spending, it will be bad. Could he be overspending because there are deeper underlying issues? When we lost our daughter 2 years ago, I started spending quite a bit on credit cards, because I was looking for something tangible to make me feel better, even short term.
Don't beat yourself up over anything!