asking family to stay in hotel vs. home after birth — The Bump
2nd Trimester

asking family to stay in hotel vs. home after birth

My parents usually stay at our home when they come visit.  I've known all along that when the baby comes, I absolutely do not want my parents staying with us when they come to meet the baby.

My mom was shocked, but said she would be supportive and get a hotel.  Would the right thing to do be offering to pay for half the cost?

Also - I'm sure my sister will come visit around the same time as them, if not at the same time.  I'm perfectly comfortable with her staying in my house if she comes down without her kiddos and husband.  Is it wrong to allow my sister to stay with us, but not my parents?

I never have privacy when my parents are in our home.  My mom follows me around the house, into the master bedroom, and doesn't respect my limits.  I see her getting up every time she hears the baby crying, and trying to give me unwanted advice/sitting up with me while I feed.

We're just not close in that way.  She makes me so uncomfortable.

Anyone have insight on similar experiences?  Can I pick and choose who is allowed to spend nights in our home in the days/weeks after the baby is born?  (My family is all out of state.)

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Re: asking family to stay in hotel vs. home after birth

  • imageSagen:
    I would offer to pay for the hotel if you asked her to come out to help you after the baby.

    Thanks. I may have to go the no guests staying with us rule, even if that means not letting my sister stay with us. At least my sister will understand it's due to my mom.

    Per above, I don't want my mom to help when the baby is here. They want to come down to meet the baby, and though she would love to stay in my home for weeks to help, I do not want that at all. I hope they only stay a day or two (in the hotel) before heading home.

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  • I am actually dealing with the same situation with my MIL. I want my parents to stay with me because my mom is like my best friend but my MIL act similar to the way you describe your mom and I am not close to her and don't want to feel uncomfortable in my own home. I told my dh that I want her to stay in a hotel and he was fine with that. If you feel more comfortable with your sister then your mom should understand that this is a time when she needs to respect your boundaries. I have read about lots of other people asking their parents to stay in a hotel.

    Or you could just go visit your parents with the baby instead of them visiting you?

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  • If you say no to your parents, then unfortunately I think it has to be no across the board, unless staying with you will be the only way she can come at all (if she comes at the same time, any chance she can stay with your parents?).

    As for paying, that is up to you.  I don't think that you have to, but you could offer.  Most likely your parents will say absolutely not, and will not take your money, but the offer might help ease the shock of not being allowed to stay with you.


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  • I was just looking at hotels this morning! My mother is planning on coming down when my father has spring break from school (which coincides with my due date) and either staying until the baby is born, or coming earlier if the baby is born earlier. My husband is in law school and the baby will be here a few weeks before finals, so he is going to be totally stressed. I know that I will appreciate having her here and helping out, but at the same time, my mother stresses me out! I do feel a bit bad because we moved from NJ (and 1/2 hour from her house) all the way down to NC and found out we were expecting after we made that decision. I'm the oldest, only girl, and this will be the first grandchild, so my mother is having a really hard time with everything. I'm trying to be sympathetic to her but at the same time I know how she drives me up the wall. Theres still a few months to really make a final decision on plans but I'm torn as to what to do. On the flip side, I was even thinking of going back up with my parents for a few days to give my husband a break and study time. While being at my parents would also be stressful, there are also other family members nearby so it wouldn't be that bad. Another thing is we don't have a TV, so there really is no way to 'entertain' in our house without actually doing entertaining. My mother told me if she had the TV then she wouldn't be as on top of me as she is and it would be less stressful. I dunno.

    I think if your mom is supportive of getting a hotel, I say go for it. It would be nice to offer to pay for some of it, but I dunno if its necessary, thats my opinion. Good luck making your decision, its tough!

  • Now I'm wondering if we should look at some of the extended stay hotels (like the Homestead Stuido Suites, etc.) and consider paying out of pocket for one of those for days x-y after birth, and telling family we will have a place for them to stay.

    My sister would be fine sharing a suite with my parents, and this way we could control WHEN people come.  Say, days 3-5 after birth, or 5-7.  Anything outside of that they have to pay for a hotel themselves.

    Off to research!

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  • I would say no across the board.

    Look into extended stay hotels. Offer to pay if you can afford it. 

    You will want some of the house to yourself with LO. Also, your parents might sleep better (so they are better able to help you) at a separate location. It will be more pleasant for everyone. 


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  • imageCloudBee:

    My parents usually stay at our home when they come visit.  I've known all along that when the baby comes, I absolutely do not want my parents staying with us when they come to meet the baby.

    My mom was shocked, but said she would be supportive and get a hotel.  Would the right thing to do be offering to pay for half the cost?

    Also - I'm sure my sister will come visit around the same time as them, if not at the same time.  I'm perfectly comfortable with her staying in my house if she comes down without her kiddos and husband.  Is it wrong to allow my sister to stay with us, but not my parents?

    I never have privacy when my parents are in our home.  My mom follows me around the house, into the master bedroom, and doesn't respect my limits.  I see her getting up every time she hears the baby crying, and trying to give me unwanted advice/sitting up with me while I feed.

    We're just not close in that way.  She makes me so uncomfortable.

    Anyone have insight on similar experiences?  Can I pick and choose who is allowed to spend nights in our home in the days/weeks after the baby is born?  (My family is all out of state.)

    I do think it's wrong to have that double standard. I think all family has to be out of the house for it to be fair. Or have a rotation of family coming to stay with you. Having it inequal would just really create havoc, I would think.

    We have a no overnight visitors rule. For everyone.  

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  • If you didn't specifically ask her to come and help (which it sounds like you most defnitely did not do) I don't feel like you have to pay.  She is making the choice to come visit, knowing she has to stay in a hotel, so she has to foot the bill.  For the sake of peace in the family, I'd make a general no guest rule. 

    We only have a small, 2 bed condo so there won't be room for family to visit when the baby comes, or even when my mom and sister come for my shower since we've started making the second room the baby's room, so my mom and sister are just dealing with it. Although I think the hostess of the shower offered them her extra room, but even it's something my mom and sister need to figure out.

     

  • I think you are making a great decision.  I wouldn't feel obligated to pay for half.  That is just part of the expense of seeing thier grand baby.  I also think that having your sister stay in your home is different, 1 is different than 2.  I think it's totally reasonable.  Maybe you could help them find a reasonably priced place (rent something) as your contribution.  I am assuming they will still have meals and things at your place, that can be your conribution. 

     

    Stay strong, you are doing the right thing.  You need baby time.

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  • Do what makes YOU comfortable.  Too often as women we try to make everyone else happy, but neglect to do the same for ourselves.  However, if you don't want your parents to stay then I think you should also ask sister to stay in hotel too- it's only fair.

    Don't worry too much about it.  They will be happy to see your new baby.  My mother treated me horribly growing up and isn't even invited to come out when the baby is born (she is 3000 miles away- THANK GOD).  She is not going to take away from my happiness anymore.  Don't trust her so she doesn't know the actual due date either.  She knows the month.  She will NEVER be alone with my child.  My in laws are invited though (also 3000 mi away)!  I don't care if she knows this either.  When she does meet her grandchild it will be for a limited time in a public setting with my supervision. 

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  • Like PP have said, you are not wrong to ask your family to stay in a hotel.  I dont think you HAVE to have your sister stay in a hotel too, but to avoid hurt feelings, I would.

    Bringing a new baby home is a very personal and stressful time.  You need to do what makes you comfortable, within reason, and everyone else can deal.  You are not telling them that they aren't allowed to visit, you're just telling them you'd prefer they dont stay at your house.  That is perfectly acceptable, and you shouldnt feel bad about it. 

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  • Whatever you decide to do, I would make it clear that the master bedroom is off limits. Take your LO there to nurse, bond, nap, whatever. It will give you a break and will give you a safe place to retreat. My mom would never enter my master bedroom without an invitation first! My Mil on the other hand went in and sorted my dirty clothes and did laundry. Some people might like that, but I found it to be a huge invasion of privacy! GL mama
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  • We live in a small-ish condo so staying with us is just not an option, as my parents would never sleep on a sofa bed in the living room. We're actually secretly hoping this makes their visit shorter too:)
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  • My parents are staying with us after LO is born. They live across the country and can barely afford the plane tickets so there is no way they can stay at a hotel and DH and I don't have the money to pay for one either. I have no idea what my IL's are doing. They haven't even mentioned visiting (they live 10 hrs away). I'm kinda dreading this whole thing to be honest...
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  • imageCherylAnn789:

    If you didn't specifically ask her to come and help (which it sounds like you most defnitely did not do) I don't feel like you have to pay.  She is making the choice to come visit, knowing she has to stay in a hotel, so she has to foot the bill.  For the sake of peace in the family, I'd make a general no guest rule. 

     

    This.

    And, if anything, perhaps it will deter her from wearing our her welcome, which, given the way you speak about her, won't be too terribly long.

    I think you are very generous in offering to pay for an in-town suite for x amount of time for guests. That's a nice alternative!  

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  • I would NEVER want anyone to stay with us after LO was born.  I don't care how good their intentions are- you need time to settle into your new life as a family.  That being said, help during the DAY is nice as long as said help is leaving!  


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