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New here- Help needed

Beck17Beck17
in Blended Families

Hi Im new here. DH and I just recently got married. His ex has had an issue with us being together since day 1. She has made multiple comments to SS about me, about his dad, about how his dad replaced him and her etc.

 Things with SS are just getting harder and worse instead of better. He says he hates his dad and doesn't want to come here. When DH asks why, SS says because you left the house. We have witnessed multiple times the BM saying stuff in front of SS that shouldnt be said in front of kids.

 SS is in counseling, and DH has went with him, but the counselor doesn't really seem to give things DH can do to make it better, or ways for them to work with each other. Since SS has been an only child for so long he has had a hard time adjusting with having other kids around. We understand that, but we dont feel the counselor is giving anyone ways to make it better. Btw- the counselor is BM good friend, and when DH and BM were divorcing the counselor kept wanting to see them for marriage counseling and DH refused to see her for that. He doesnt feel like she is the most objective person for the job, but it is what it is.

 Are there ways to make this better? We have set the rule that he is not allowed to call anyone names, he has called me and DH names multiple times. SS gets along good with my kids, added them on FB not the other way around, plays well with them etc, then once he went home, sent DH a text saying he hated us all and was blocking my kids. Its not fair to my kids because they dont understand.

DH is very heartbroken. Calls SS everynight even though he only gets his voicemail. He spends as much time with him as BM and the court will allow. SS has admitted he is acting this way because he is mad at his dad. 

 I understand divorce is hard on kids, especially at this age, I have a DD the same age that has been through it. But I do feel kids look to their parents on how they deal with it. BM loves that SS feels this way and talks about me and DH like he does. She told DH when he asked for a divorce (long before I was ever in the picture- in case anyone was wondering) that SS would hate his guts and blame him for all of this. She has made sure of that.

 Is there anything DH can do?

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Re: New here- Help needed

  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    Find a new therapist. If SS is comfortable with that one and doesn't want to switch, have DH see one on his own to talk about the issues and get advice on how to handle things. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do to change BM behavior, which is frustrating I'm sure. Just try and be as supportive and understanding as you can be for your husband and his son, it takes a lot of work but hopefully through time and therapy they will resolve the hurt feelings. Remember that its perfectly normal for SS to be hurt and angry, but make sure you aren't allowing him to treat you guys disrespectfully either. Sounds like you are on the right track with setting rules, seeking counciling, and spending as much time as possible. Keep your head up. It will get better.
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  • fellesferiefellesferie member

    Is it possible to get a new counselor? 

    You said you "recently" got married. Your SS may need some time to adjust. I'm not saying all he needs is time, since it sounds like there are other issues.

    As far as what YH can do, he can document and try to make a case for parental alienation. He can set rules and consistently enforce them. He can continue having parenting time with his child. 

    You don't say how old he is, but I assume he's a teen and old enough to understand how to be basically a respectful person. Set that expectation for him.

    If your kids are old enough to be on Facebook, they're old enough to hear that your SS is mad at his dad and it has nothing to do with them.  

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  • Bigmama00Bigmama00
    I agree on getting a new counselor, someone not in the dynamic of the drama.
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  • twister22twister22 member

    How old is SS? I'm guessing around 14-16 if he is old enough to have a cell phone, be on FB, etc. If he is saying his dad left the house, then that is likely his true feelings, not BM's - SS witnessed what happened.

    I am sure he feels a loyalty to BM, but then when he is with YH he may feel a bit torn.

    I would definitely find a new therapist a.s.a.p. Is there a CO in place between DH and XW?  

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  • Beck17Beck17
    Thanks everyone. Yes there is a CO but his lawyer was not very good.

    SS does need time to adjust and we are understanding of that. He was here this weekend and was wonderful. Had a great time no problems or attitude. Then he starts sending texts to his dad calling me namesBM helped him make this name for me and telling his dad he wasnt coming. It just seems like it never stops.

    DH and I went to lunch on Mon and walked into the place and there sat BM cousin who immediately text BM. About 10 mins later BM walks into place and sits at table right next to us staring right at me. She stayed for about 10 mins and we ignored her and she left, but it's ridiculous.

    I feel so bad for SS and don't know what there is we can do. He hears and deals with way too much and it doesn't seem like BM is able to put him first and realize no matter how upset she is, you don't put kids in the middle.

    Thanks again. I am encouraging DH to go to a new counselor to help him deal with this because he gets so upset and feels like it will never get better with SS.
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