forgive and forget or move on???

ljburrelli · October 2012

So this may be a long one but I have an old friend who I met in college in 2001. We were both in the same sorority and she was even my big sister. In 2009 her, her hubby and 3 kids moved to the same area of NC where my husband and I relocated too. We were very active with her kids and helped them out a lot in any way they needed. In Dec 2010 her husband asked my husband for a $1000 loan. He said yes (even though I said do not lend friends money) and needless to say they have not paid us back to this day.

Originally the loan was supposed to be paid to us in March 2011 with their tax refund. Tax season came and went. They got a new patio, new furniture and a new custom built swing set for the kids-yet they were too broke to pay us back. It turned into an ugly argument and we parted ways right before my wedding in May 2011-which she was supposed to be in and wasn't.

She facebook'd me yesterday to congratulate me on the baby and to say she misses me. Of course I miss her friendship but I am not sure if it can ever be how it was. I do not want negativity or bad karma so my question is-do I just move on or try again?

Ginger516 · October 2012

You have to do what you heart tells you. Neither choice will make you a bad person. If you feel like it would be to much drama then just move on. The last thing you need is stress. BTW has she apologized?

lemonadepink · October 2012

That is a tough one. I know that I would personally be unable to stop holding a grudge about such a large amount of money, if we were close friends again in that situation. I would still thank her for the congratulations and be cordial. Maybe tell her that you wish that things had not gone the way that they did, and that you miss how your friendship was before money got involved? If you feel that way, that is. I think that would show her that you are trying to be nice without forgetting about the money that they still owe you and the way that you were treated. I would try to be friendly, but I don't think that I could be good friends with her again unless this situation was resolved and she apologized. All of that being said, I would completely understand if you felt uncomfortable responding to her at all.

birdiecat · October 2012

Move on- good friends don't borrow $1000 dollars and then never pay it back. That is essentially stealing. Broke or not- they should have set up some sort of payment plan with you or at least acknowledged that they have never paid you back and plan on doing so at the first available moment. They are users and probably behave this way in their other relationships as well. There are so many fish (friends) in the sea- don't waste your time on people who take advantage of you!!!

kelly321 · October 2012

lemonadepink:
That is a tough one. I know that I would personally be unable to stop holding a grudge about such a large amount of money, if we were close friends again in that situation. I would still thank her for the congratulations and be cordial. Maybe tell her that you wish that things had not gone the way that they did, and that you miss how your friendship was before money got involved? If you feel that way, that is. I think that would show her that you are trying to be nice without forgetting about the money that they still owe you and the way that you were treated. I would try to be friendly, but I don't think that I could be good friends with her again unless this situation was resolved and she apologized. All of that being said, I would completely understand if you felt uncomfortable responding to her at all.

This. I don't think just pretending nothing happened would give you any peace. Saying something like lemonade suggested would show her that you still care about her but the money can't be forgotten. It also makes it clear what step she needs to take (pay you back!) if she wants your friendship back.

KD79 · October 2012

kelly321:
lemonadepink:
That is a tough one. I know that I would personally be unable to stop holding a grudge about such a large amount of money, if we were close friends again in that situation. I would still thank her for the congratulations and be cordial. Maybe tell her that you wish that things had not gone the way that they did, and that you miss how your friendship was before money got involved? If you feel that way, that is. I think that would show her that you are trying to be nice without forgetting about the money that they still owe you and the way that you were treated. I would try to be friendly, but I don't think that I could be good friends with her again unless this situation was resolved and she apologized. All of that being said, I would completely understand if you felt uncomfortable responding to her at all.
This. I don't think just pretending nothing happened would give you any peace. Saying something like lemonade suggested would show her that you still care about her but the money can't be forgotten. It also makes it clear what step she needs to take (pay you back!) if she wants your friendship back.

I agree with both of these ladies. That's probably the approach I would take.

ohlordy · October 2012

birdiecat:
Move on- good friends don't borrow $1000 dollars and then never pay it back. That is essentially stealing. Broke or not- they should have set up some sort of payment plan with you or at least acknowledged that they have never paid you back and plan on doing so at the first available moment. They are users and probably behave this way in their other relationships as well. There are so many fish (friends) in the sea- don't waste your time on people who take advantage of you!!!

This. Essentially, I agree with PP about being "cordial", but when it comes to that amount of money, this is not cool. Friends don't do this to each other. If I ever borrowed money from anyone (rare), it was paid back and it was one of my top priorities. They obviously have moved on from that responsibility because if it were still a thought, there would have been some sort of dialogue about it long ago. Yes, many more wonderful people out there who are just waiting for you.

wifeofadam · October 2012

Forgive and forget. She is reaching out to you right now. With three kids, is she a SAHM? If she isn't bringing in a paycheck, I would think that the ability to repay you is a little out of her hands. This deal was between your husbands.

Plus, holding the grudge only hurts you. It's not healthy or productive. There is freedom in letting go of the negativity and loving someone regardless of the past.

To lose a dear friend over $1000 is so sad. It's just money. This is why they say never to loan to friends and family - if you have it to give, just give it freely.

birdiecat · October 2012

+adamwife+:

Forgive and forget. She is reaching out to you right now. With three kids, is she a SAHM? If she isn't bringing in a paycheck, I would think that the ability to repay you is a little out of her hands. This deal was between your husbands.

Plus, holding the grudge only hurts you. It's not healthy or productive. There is freedom in letting go of the negativity and loving someone regardless of the past.

To lose a dear friend over $1000 is so sad. It's just money. This is why they say never to loan to friends and family - if you have it to give, just give it freely.

Personally, I think you can still do this while still never talking to them again.

wifeofadam · October 2012

birdiecat:
+adamwife+:

Forgive and forget. She is reaching out to you right now. With three kids, is she a SAHM? If she isn't bringing in a paycheck, I would think that the ability to repay you is a little out of her hands. This deal was between your husbands.

Plus, holding the grudge only hurts you. It's not healthy or productive. There is freedom in letting go of the negativity and loving someone regardless of the past.

To lose a dear friend over $1000 is so sad. It's just money. This is why they say never to loan to friends and family - if you have it to give, just give it freely.

Personally, I think you can still do this while still never talking to them again.

I totally agree, but in the case of OP, it sounds like she still has feelings toward this friend and somewhere deep down wants to talk to her. If she didn't, it would have been easy just to delete the message and move on.

wifeofadam · October 2012

expatmama:

Maybe she can propose a payment plan of 50 dollars a month. And then you guys can patch up your friendship.

No snark intended with this - It just sounds strange to me - like a friendship with qualifiers. I only want to be your friend if you pay _____ amount to me per month. Otherwise, I can't be your friend. Honestly, if it costs money to patch up a friendship, is it really worth it?

Ginger516 · October 2012

She didn't borrow money from you, her husband borrowed form your husband. It is a shame you two lost your friendship over an agreement between two other adults. I hope your husband listens to your from now on.

birdiecat · October 2012

Ginger516:
She didn't borrow money from you, her husband borrowed form your husband. It is a shame you two lost your friendship over an agreement between two other adults. I hope your husband listens to your from now on.

Maybe her relationship doesn't work that way- I know in my marriage that we do not split the money in our house, even if he makes more than I do. We share everything. His money is my money and vice versa. We are partners. A deal with him is a deal you make with me as well. I guess not everyone operates that way but you don't know that about OP's marriage.

pumpkinseed12 · October 2012

birdiecat:

Ginger516:
She didn't borrow money from you, her husband borrowed form your husband. It is a shame you two lost your friendship over an agreement between two other adults. I hope your husband listens to your from now on.

Maybe her relationship doesn't work that way- I know in my marriage that we do not split the money in our house, even if he makes more than I do. We share everything. His money is my money and vice versa. We are partners. A deal with him is a deal you make with me as well. I guess not everyone operates that way but you don't know that about OP's marriage.

Eeehhhh, yeah. Ginger's response seems kind of out there to me. Even if the money is kept separate, she shouldn't have been okay with her husband spending money on frivolous items before paying back the debt owed.

mjr12 · October 2012

It seems to me that the OP wants to keep the relationship, no? If that's the case, I would simply say what I felt in my heart and let it go. Holding on to negativity for that amount of money for so very long isn't worth it to me.

I've been in positions where people have borrowed from us, sometimes we get paid back, sometimes not. I usually loan the money because I know people need it, and I won't hold it against them or over their heads.

I would also like to say (maybe I missed this in the thread) that perhaps the wife didn't know that the husband borrowed the $ in the first place? I know there have been instances with families that one partner has done something without the other partner's knowledge, and the other partner has found out and picked up the slack. Sad situation all around. Sorry.

ljburrelli · October 2012

Hi everyone. Thanks for the feedback. I am still torn but I think that is because there is a lot more to the story. Our fight was unfortunately very nasty and some harsh words were said. She got angry (that I asked her about the money) so she threatened to tell everyone on her FB that I was sexually assaulted to get back at me. I know she was strapped for cash at that point and angry I brought up her paying me back. I guess it is hard because I know I cannot trust her anymore especially when someone threathens to air my dirty laundry. Her daughter is my god daughter and I miss those kids. I look at this post and I think god she was such a *** to play dirty but being pregnant with my first I miss the relationship with her kids. They called me aunt and my husband uncle. So maybe I miss the kids more than her? That on top of these hormones is not helping!

Also all four of us knew about the money being borrowed and a written agreement was drawn up. I know I could fight her and him on this I guess I just don't know if it is worth it-maybe 6 months ago I would of said let's sue her ass but at this point and being pregnant I only want positive pollies around.

birdiecat · October 2012

ljburrelli:

Hi everyone. Thanks for the feedback. I am still torn but I think that is because there is a lot more to the story. Our fight was unfortunately very nasty and some harsh words were said. She got angry (that I asked her about the money) so she threatened to tell everyone on her FB that I was sexually assaulted to get back at me. I know she was strapped for cash at that point and angry I brought up her paying me back. I guess it is hard because I know I cannot trust her anymore especially when someone threathens to air my dirty laundry. Her daughter is my god daughter and I miss those kids. I look at this post and I think god she was such a *** to play dirty but being pregnant with my first I miss the relationship with her kids. They called me aunt and my husband uncle. So maybe I miss the kids more than her? That on top of these hormones is not helping!

Also all four of us knew about the money being borrowed and a written agreement was drawn up. I know I could fight her and him on this I guess I just don't know if it is worth it-maybe 6 months ago I would of said let's sue her ass but at this point and being pregnant I only want positive pollies around.

Ummm yeah. This just confirms my earlier response that you need to WALK AWAY. That is a complete invasion of privacy and my trust would forever be lost at that point. I forgive, and I forgive easily... but that doesn't mean you can come waltzing back into my life. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Maybe she has changed- great! But let her future friends reap the benefits of that.

As for her kids- that's sad. Maybe you could still send them cards in the mail? I know that would be a poor substitute to in-person contact.

mishka29 · October 2012

Wow that is a tough one. I guess it depends on what you can live with. It seems like she has really destroyed the trust in your relationship. It's hard to come back from that.

I know if it were me, I wouldn't forgive and forget. At any point in time she could have reached out to you and talked about repaying the money. It blows my mind that they would just take the money and not repay it and STILL to this day not repay or address the issue. It seems like they just want to pretend that it didn't happen. You had every right to ask about the money and for her to react like that is really messed up. Seriously, I borrow a dollar from someone and I am paying them back right away! Good luck.

musicalmama5 · October 2012

I would forgive but don't forget. Meaning, if a relationship with her is something you desire, then go for it! But don't lend them money again... I agree with whoever said that it's not worth losing a friendship over $1000. I know it seems like a lot of money, but what is money compared to friendship?

Most importantly, whether you decide to be friends with her or not, you should definitely forgive her. Holding onto grudges only hurts you.

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