I must stay calm, I must stay calm

MoFree · October 2012

Does anyone else get crazy anxious when their MIL visits, or even thinking about her visiting? Mine is coming tomorrow and I am already starting to have an anxiety attack.

She is incapable of being supportive or empathy despite being a physician and I know she will find fault with my parenting. I know that either she or her SO will tell me how advanced SO's daughter's baby is compared to Lila. Maybe he is already walking and bilingual at 4 months. ?? I might be able to deal with her alone but I cannot stand her SO.

Thank goodness they are not staying in our house or I would be ready to be committed. One positive is that my DH always has my back in terms of his mother and has no problem speaking up.

Susan2685 · October 2012

I love my MIL.....my problem is my family. On Saturday I will be travelling 3 hours for Thanksgiving dinner with my family. No one has seen Henry yet (except my mom -twice...and she lives 1 hour away). When I saw them last my aunts were amazed I was going to breastfeed. They actually said they were against it......(their children turned out fine, it's not worth the time ...etc). DH and I are getting ready for a very difficult and judgemental Saturday. The worst thing is that my sister is not attending this year because she said she had enough of the family so DH and I will be entering the craziness alone.

bigbootyjudi · October 2012

My SO's parents live about 20 minutes away, so they don't come stay with us or anything, but when she stops by, I go into a cleaning frenzy beforehand. Problem is, she's very spur of the moment and will call, "Oh, I want to come by in about five minutes." So, I run around the house like a madwoman trying to pick up all the little things. I don't know why I even care, my house is usually pretty clean as it is. She's obsessed with Sergio's eyes and swears they're going to be bright blue. It's exciting for her because all of her family has brown eyes, I get it. But, his eyes are dark gray and turning brown....she still insists they're blue. Whatev.

I hate when people compare babies. Every single baby is different. At least your H is willing to stand up to her! Just step out of the room and take a break from time to time. Maybe Lila will need to be taken into her room to be changed a few extra times those few days? I feed DS in the rocking chair, so one day, I took the rocking chair into his room and told my grandma I had to go feed him and took off to the bedroom for 20 minutes!

rp-chicago-mom · October 2012

Nope. I love my MIL. My own mother is very hard to take without vodka...which I haven't had since last November. I always come up with some stupid little reward to look forward to for after she leaves. It used to be a dirty martini at the bar down the street. Now it's a nice glass of wine, ice cream, a back massage from DH, a shower that lasts more than five minutes. Just something nice to think of until she leaves. If she insults your parenting style then think of it and it might help calm you down. It's like the lollipop they give little kids after their shots.

Susan2685 · October 2012

This is me exactly. Every Christmas (except the last one), my sister and I make a fancy alcoholic drink around 10am to prep for dealing with my mother all day. I don't really drink ...but I do love voyant chai liqueur around the holiday (it is hard to find as it is seasonal but mixed with milk it tastes like a cold chai latte)

k.martell · October 2012

Baker_Bride:
Nope. I love my MIL. My own mother is very hard to take without vodka.

Ditto, my mother has driven me to drink.

But that's how I am when my Mom wants to visit (both parents live 20m away). I cannot do anything right but make 2 cute grandkids. I have just given up and ignore a lot of what she says as it's not worth the arguing.

mollyxcate · October 2012

you can do it!

my MIL came and stayed with me for 2 weeks. At the house. Just me, MIL, and baby.

I survived, you can too!

HeartsOnABand · October 2012

kikimo327:
Just take deep breaths and leave the room if you need to. nbsp;I do that when my MIL visits, especially now with Leo. nbsp;She doesn't understand that Leo needs naps often he's a newborn for crying out loud! and she likes to get him overtired, which drives me insane.

This exactly. Everytime MIL comes over I have to take a breather in our bedroom. Both my MIL and her mother [i guess that makes her my great/grand MIL..??] love to keep Trace up way past his nap or bedtime. They also love to critique my parenting if I tell them he is asleep when they invite me somewhere or if they come over and he's not awake. They say "it's okay to wake a baby you know" and then my MIL basically thinks he's a grown child already and doesn't need daily naps. This is coming from someone who is raising our 7mo old niece and it makes me fear for that little girls wellbeing!! Not to mention everything Trace does is compared to my niece. He's only 7weeks, leave us alone lady!

Mo, you aren't alone. MIL's seem to get to a lot of us. I used to really let it bother me and make huge deals and panic. Even before she got here. Then I realized to just take a breather like kikimo said. I also figured out that if I don't agree with something she's doing, I work my way around it to do what I want in a nice way without offending her. Example: when she keeps DS up for hours I'll take him for a bath. Once he's out I just stay in his room and have a bottle prepared. Feed him, rock him, and wala he's in bed. Whoops, sorry MIL, he fell asleep! :P

Remember, just breathe!

hooslisa · October 2012

holy moly, do i feel you on this.

i actually just asked friends for a referral to a therapist because mine will be coming soon and i just don't know how to handle it.

our relationship was already strained, but then we asked her (nicely) to get the pertussis vaccine because she planning on coming to stay for a few days after Koa was born. she refused (just because no one tells her what to do), so she missed out the on the birth of her 1st grandchild (which i know really hurt my husband).

words were exchanged. she sent a follow up email that was rude and made some disparaging comments about mine and DH's relationship. i told her exactly how i feel about her and said that our relationship was irreparable (for me, it is). i did also tell her that i supported and wanted her to have a good relationship with DH and our daughter.

koa is coming up on getting her own vaccines. DH has been talking to her here and there by phone and i keep waiting for her to ask when she can come see Koa. it gives me anxiety to think about. i hate this woman. HATE her. she is a vile excuse for a human being.

i have so much hatred in my heart for her that i know i need help.

sigh.

you are so not alone.

i have no advice, but thanks for the vent

JayandEmm · October 2012

kikimo327:
Hey Mo! nbsp;I saw your post below. nbsp;Just take deep breaths and leave the room if you need to. nbsp;I do that when my MIL visits, especially now with Leo. nbsp;She doesn't understand that Leo needs naps often he's a newborn for crying out loud! and she likes to get him overtired, which drives me insane. nbsp;She also does this stupid touching his nose thing in an effort to put him to sleep which only makes him go crossed eyed, not fall asleep. nbsp;I quite often go to my happy place in my head while she is holding him or doing something that annoys the crap out of me. nbsp;Good luck!nbsp;

My MIL also likes to get lo overtired. She thinks he's not sttn because he sleeps during the day. Lo gives me a 5 hour stretch, I'm pretty happy with that! She's coming to visit tomorrow while H and I go out for dinner and I'm positive she will exhaust him again and make my happy baby, cranky.

mrs mosby · October 2012

I feel your pain. Mine live in town so they never stay with us or spend long periods of time but I dread every time we have to go over there or see them at a function.
Good luck! Hopefully the visit will be uneventful and over before you know it.

katiem1025 · October 2012

OMG, my MIL just left on Tuesday and this was her to a T. She kept telling me that the baby should cry it out, that her own LOUD laughing and talking wouldn't wake the baby up (we have thin walls and A's room is right next to kitchen), she was FORCING the paci in my baby's mouth even though she hates the paci and always spits it out, she kept telling me cloth diapering wouldn't last for us and why are we doing it, kept comparing every thing our baby does to her other son's baby.

Thankfully I am bf'ing so I could always just take the baby and feed her for as long as I needed a break...oh, and she always told me, well the baby doesn't seem hungry. It's like, just because she isn't screaming doesn't mean she isn't hungry!!!

sdlaura · October 2012

My tactic for dealing with people like this is to look at the interaction as sort of an anthropological study rather than taking it personally. More like being amused at how someone has made it through life acting a certain way, and trying to be amused by the ridiculous or insulting things they say.

That's how I try to deal with annoying drivers and people like that - my reaction is not going to change the behavior, so why not just sit back and observe, you know?

MoFree · October 2012

L12541:
My tactic for dealing with people like this is to look at the interaction as sort of an anthropological study rather than taking it personally. nbsp;More like being amused at how someone has made it through life acting a certain way, and trying to be amused by the ridiculous or insulting things they say.That's how I try to deal with annoying drivers and people like that my reaction is not going to change the behavior, so why not just sit back and observe, you know?

. Great advice. Despite her professional success and Ivy League education she has led a very sheltered life. It helps if I see her for the flawed being she is, incapable of nurturing or showing concern in nonfinancial ways.

I still haven't been able to forgive her for the psycho behavior she exhibited when her only child, my husband was fighting for his life in Dec 2009.

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