Anyone scared to leave your other child? — The Bump
2nd Trimester

Anyone scared to leave your other child?

Hi

I'm worried about leaving our 3yo. She's never been without us for more than a few hours.  

How are you handling it?

What can I do to prepare? Yikes. 

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Anniversary

Re: Anyone scared to leave your other child?

  • Wait, I am not trying to sound snarky. However, your kid is 3 and hasn't spent more than a few hours away from you?? I get being anxious and shiz, but it's good for them to spend the night with grandma every few months. You should probably try that and get your kid ready for the separation.
    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickersLilypie Third Birthday tickersImage and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Are you talking about while you're giving birth? We will either have a sitter or my mom watching the two kids while I'm delivering LO#3, then DH will go home for the bed time routine and what not. With DS I wasn't even in the hospital 48 hours, so it wasn't really a big deal. DD came to visit at the hospital once, and then I was home. Definitely didn't have DH around at the hospital with LO#2 like I did with LO#1, and I'm guessing this time will be similar.
    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Loading the player...
  • I assume you are meaning to go to the hospital. Yes, I am definitely nervous about leaving her. However, my sister will be watching her in our own home (to make LO more comfortable) and I trust my sister's judgement.

    I am more nervous about my own sense of self feeling completely "off" b/c of not being with LO. I am a sahm, so I'm with her all the time. When I'm not with her, I can sometimes feel anxious. I know LO will be in great hands so I'm trying to focus on preparing mentally for being without her for a few days.  My hospital keeps you for 3 full days from the time of birth, so after LO2 is born, I will send DH home to be with LO1.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • Short answer....no.

    DS will be with either my parents, my bro and his family, my MIL, or his sitter if it's during the week......basically who ever wants to take him.  Unless I have a c-section, I don't plan to have DH stay at nights in the hospital once I have the baby (I sent him home last time too- very uncomfortable sleeping arrangments for the SO's at the hospital I deliver at), so he'll take care of him at night. 

    I'm a WM, so DS goes between my mom's house and his sitter's during the week and it won't be anything new for him to be away from me.  I will definately miss him, but we'll make it :)

    [IMG]http://i937.photobucket.com/albums/ad217/sarahwhite_1/IMG_8288-1.jpg[/IMG]
    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb3f.lilypie.com/zQ1Zm4.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Third Birthday tickers" /></a>
    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lbdf.lilypie.com/KkIwm5.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Pregnancy tickers" /></a>
  • Yeah, not being snarky at all... and who am I to say but do you think that's healthy? Don't you need some mommy time occasionally?
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
  • To speak towards the direction this post has gone- I realize not everyone is lucky enough to have close family near by.  If I didn't, I'm sure it would be much more difficult for me to leave DS with someone.  OP, everyone has their own level of comfort with leaving their child and it's understandable to feel uneasy about not being around your child for a few days when you are with them almost all the time.  What is your plan for who will watch your LO?  Family/friends?

    I don't think there's anything wrong with not leaving your child often if it's by choice (meaning, if you're at your breaking point but can't get yourself to trust someone else with your LO, that might be a different issue). 

    [IMG]http://i937.photobucket.com/albums/ad217/sarahwhite_1/IMG_8288-1.jpg[/IMG]
    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb3f.lilypie.com/zQ1Zm4.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Third Birthday tickers" /></a>
    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lbdf.lilypie.com/KkIwm5.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Pregnancy tickers" /></a>
  • Everyone should back off the OP a little. Not everyone has the luxury of having family close by to watch their kids. Both DH and I live across the country from our families and have no one to take care of DD. My husband travels Monday through Thursday every week for week (and I pretty much function like a single mom), I work every weekend so she doesn't go to daycare. So our daughter hasn't had any overnights with other people and we have never left her for more than a few hours at a time - it doesn't mean it's unhealthy, that DD is sheltered, or that she's going to grow up a social misfit. She's well socialized - she goes to preschool two mornings a week, we go to story time, she takes gymnastics.

    Some of the comments being made are out of line - you don't always know someone else's circumstances and it's unfair to make assumptions that just because her child isn't having sleepovers, the OP is somehow sheltering her, is stunting her social development, or it isn't healthy for OP or her DH. Everyone has different living situations.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • No, I'm fine with it. My sister will be watching him while DH and I are in the hospital. She has watched him overnight for a few days when we went to Austin for a work convention when he was 2, and he had a great time with her. She baby sits for us from time to time too. I've been out of country for up to three weeks without him, so I can handle a few days in the hospital. DH has been out of state from him for a month, so he can handle a few days away as well. DS will continue to go to daycare during that time, so I think it will help immensely that he will have his daily routine in place. I would definitly stress routine to whoever watches your DD. Routine gives young children a strong sense of security.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


  • I'm not nervous for their care.  Someone in our family will watch them and DH and I have been away for mini-trips or weekends before. I missed them but I was also having a great time : )

     I do remember struggling being in the hospital though when delivering DS2.  I missed my oldest like crazy and cried a lot because I missed him.  I think it had more to do with hormones and just all the new emotions, guilt, etc.. of the new baby.  I was missing the baby I knew so well while trying to bond with the one I didn't know at all.

    This time I plan to take pictures of my boys with me and probably call them each day. I hope it will be easier since I know we will all be fine, lol.  We don't bring them to the hosptial because I'm only there two days and I don't want them running around while I'm trying to recover and I consider it special time for the new baby.

    I do suggest planning an overnight with whomever you want to watch your child during your hospital stay, ahead of time.  Just so you know what to expect and so does your child.  Try to make it as fun as possible for them.



    Natural M/c 12/13/08 at 8w5d 

    Pregnancy Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Yes, I'm nervous about it. He'll only be barely two, and in what I thought was obvious, hasn't stayed away from home at night ever or with anyone else at night ever.  Up until a few months ago, he was still breastfed before bed and bedshared!  I don't intend for him to have "sleepovers" with family members, minus the exception of my being in labor/emergencies, until he's school aged.  Bedtime is sacred around here and only works out well with a nightly routine.  He does go to daycare all day long and gets plenty of social interaction with others.  I don't feel that social interaction with others needs to occur at night at bedtime!  I'm a little shocked by the mean responses!  I'm thinking that if I end up with a repeat csection and have a long hospital stay (fingers crossed for a vbac though!!), that DH will just go home after daycare hours and stay with him.  If it's a short stay, a family member will take him.  Both sets of grandparents and my sister live close by and will be available. 

     

     

    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickersLilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • The first time we were apart from DS for more than a workday length (8 hours) was about a month ago.  MIL kept him the night before our 20 week ultrasound since it was at 7:30am - that way she didn't have to get up to watch him.

    I really missed having him at home with us that night but kept busy and it made it easier.  I think you'll be so busy with #2 that you won't be anxious over being apart from #1.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Yup, she's three, and omg, do I need some mommy time. My situation may be unique.

    I went back to work when she was a year old and she stayed with my husband for 8 months. He ran his own business and could do it from home on the days I worked(only PT for me).  Then he got so busy that he couldn't do it anymore. We put her in a dayhome for 2-3 days/week. 5 weeks later, she had a bald spot. She was pulling out her hair. The pediatrician said that she had severe separation anxiety. So we pulled her out of the dayhome and tried a nanny in our house. Still pulled. Then we asked my MIL. Still pulled. I quit my PT job and been home ever since.

    If we leave her with my inlaws for short periods of time, when we return she's stressed. It's hard to see her that way, and I haven't figured how to reconcile my feelings about it vs. the need for me to get away. So now, I have to leave and I am so not ready to put her through it. I pray that she'll be ok. I just don't want to end up in the place where we were last year.

    Thanks for all of your posts. It's healthy to see both sides.  You've all just helped me to realize that I should go and chat with a psychologist about my fears. I've been in the past (when I found my biological father which was super heavy for me) and it's really helped. 

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Anniversary
  • Sorry mama, that sounds rough.  Is there anything you can do to help her with her separation anxiety?  Play therapy or something?

    To answer your original question, I am nervous about leaving my DD.  She goes to daycare 10 hours a day, so I have no problem leaving her during the daytime, but nighttime is a whole different ballgame.  We have a whole bedtime routine and she still doesn't sleep that great, so I'm nervous about how she'll go to bed for my parents (and whether she'll STTN for them).  I've only spent one night away from her before and she stayed with DH and did fine, so hopefully she'll do okay with my parents, but you never know.   

    Although, to be honest, I've already started talking about what's going to happen when the baby comes. At this point, she's already looking forward to a sleepover with grandma and grandpa, but I don't know if she'll still be this excited when it becomes reality.

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • image Jgiesbrecht:
    Yup, she's three, and omg, do I need some mommy time. My situation may be unique.I went back to work when she was a year old and she stayed with my husband for 8 months. He ran his own business and could do it from home on the days I workedonly PT for me. nbsp;Then he got so busy that he couldn't do it anymore. We put her in a dayhome for 23 days/week. 5 weeks later, she had a bald spot. She was pulling out her hair. The pediatrician said that she had severe separation anxiety. So we pulled her out of the dayhome and tried a nanny in our house. Still pulled. Then we asked my MIL. Still pulled. I quit my PT job and been home ever since. If we leave her with my inlaws for short periods of time, when we return she's stressed. It's hard to see her that way, and I haven't figured how to reconcile my feelings about it vs. the need for me to get away. So now, I have to leave and I am so not ready to put her through it. I pray that she'll be ok. I just don't want to end up in the place where we were last year.Thanks for all of your posts. It's healthy to see both sides. nbsp;You've all just helped me to realize that I should go and chat with a psychologist about my fears. I've been in the past when I found my biological father which was super heavy for me and it's really helped.nbsp;


    I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe some professional advice would be helpful, as you mentioned. I reread the responses and while I think a few people jumped to conclusions, many were just asking for clarity since the original post didn't contain a lot of info. That sounds really stressful and I hope you get it sorted out. Good luck!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
  • OP, I'm worried too. We have a nanny who watches DD 4 mornings / week, but she's not available in the afternoons (has another job), and I don't know if I'll feel comfortable just calling her up and asking her to come over in the middle of the night if necessary. We'll see as we get closer to our EDD. Otherwise, my family lives across an ocean and DH's family is an hour away and... how do I say this nicely... I don't think they would feel comfortable watching her since they have never once offered to babysit and MIL specifically told me once that a friend of hers watched her grandson one day a week but MIL couldn't imagine doing that for her grandchildren. If we're really in a bind they'd probably do it, but neither they nor DD would feel comfortable with the situation.

    It sounds like you're comfortable with therapy (a good thing!), so I agree with the others that you should look into therapy for your daughter to see if you can get some professional help on how to help her overcome her separation anxiety.


    BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
    BFP2: 3/18/12, blighted ovum, natural m/c @ 7w4d
    BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence

  • DD is going to stay with my parents when the time comes. She loves my Mum, she looks after her a few times a week. We're going to let her stay over there around christmas so she can  have experience with it before the big day.
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers PitaPata Dog tickers Screen Shot 2012-11-15 at 8.25.16 AM
  • I'm confused as to why she is being bashed because she hasn't left her kid overnight? Not everyone just randomly goes away overnight so why would she need to? My almost 2 yr old has never been away from dh or I overnight or for more he 56 hours. I'm a SAHM and we haven't done any overnight stays because it isn't in our budget to do so. She has been left when we go to weddings or what not and she's fine. As for when this LO is born DH will be with her at night
  • image Teacher Clark:
    image mrsmcdonald:
    Everyone should back off the OP a little. Not everyone has the luxury of having family close by to watch their kids. Both DH and I live across the country from our families and have no one to take care of DD. My husband travels Monday through Thursday every week for week and I pretty much function like a single mom, I work every weekend so she doesn't go to daycare. So our daughter hasn't had any overnights with other people and we have never left her for more than a few hours at a time it doesn't mean it's unhealthy, that DD is sheltered, or that she's going to grow up a social misfit. She's well socialized she goes to preschool two mornings a week, we go to story time, she takes gymnastics. Some of the comments being made are out of line you don't always know someone else's circumstances and it's unfair to make assumptions that just because her child isn't having sleepovers, the OP is somehow sheltering her, is stunting her social development, or it isn't healthy for OP or her DH. Everyone has different living situations.
    I uderstand what you are saying. However, I have many friends with children of various ages. The ones who sheltered their kids and never let them spend more than a few hours away from them had many difficulties in their formative years. Many had to delay starting kindergarten and their children suffered greatly from separation anxiety. of course no one told them this to their face, but plenty talked about it behind their backs. I am simply saying what her friends, family and preschool teachers won't say to her face. I know many preschool teachers as well and this is a common topic for them.

    As a music teacher, I see the entire school.  Do we have students who are nervous the first few days/weeks/months?  Want Mommy (especially after lunch when it would normally be nap time for them)? Even get sad and want their mom in 1st grade, 2nd grade, etc?  Sure.  Some have some pretty severe separation anxiety, but I've never heard of a student in our school having been delayed based on separation anxiety.  My SIL is a preschool teacher and sees lots of kids with separation anxiety issues.  They work through it.  Even without reading what OP mentioned later on about her DD and the severity of her anxiety, I wouldn't have said that she was doing anything wrong by not leaving her child with people regardless of her reasoning.  Everyone has a different comfort level. 

    OP- you've got to do what works for you.  Your DD is 3.  If she were 10 and you'd never left her, I'd be a little concerned for you/her, but she's not.  I would definately talk to someone about some strategies- especially since you mentioned your desire for some time away (understandably so!).  As for the hospital stay, you may find that, depending on how the birth goes, you might be able to have your DD in the room a lot during recovery.  My recovery with DS was very easy.  I wouldn't choose to have him there a lot because I'd rather have some toddler-free time :)  but if my next birth experience is similar (hopefully!) I'm sure I'd be able to manage if he had to be there for some reason. 

    [IMG]http://i937.photobucket.com/albums/ad217/sarahwhite_1/IMG_8288-1.jpg[/IMG]
    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb3f.lilypie.com/zQ1Zm4.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Third Birthday tickers" /></a>
    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lbdf.lilypie.com/KkIwm5.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Pregnancy tickers" /></a>
  • image Teacher Clark:
    I uderstand what you are saying. However, I have many friends with children of various ages. The ones who sheltered their kids and never let them spend more than a few hours away from them had many difficulties in their formative years. Many had to delay starting kindergarten and their children suffered greatly from separation anxiety. of course no one told them this to their face, but plenty talked about it behind their backs. I am simply saying what her friends, family and preschool teachers won't say to her face. I know many preschool teachers as well and this is a common topic for them.

    This comes across as though you're assuming she is purposefully sheltering her child and preventing her from socializing; and unless you know the specifics of her situation, you have no clue what people may be saying "behind her back." This comes across as unnecessarily harsh towards OP, and not helpful at all (it could make her more anxious now that people think she's a bad mother behind her back). Clearly, she is concerned about her DD's welfare, otherwise she wouldn't have posted. And I'm not sure what kind of family and friends you have/know, but you might want to get some new ones if they just talk behind people's backs instead of trying to help someone with a stressful problem who needs support, not someone to tear them down when they're not looking.

    I'm a licensed clinical social worker. I've run clinical departments in special education schools, I've worked in child protective services, I've done child and family therapy. Sending your kids to daycare, preschool, organized, sports, overnights with other people, etc. absolutely does NOT guarantee that they will be well socialized - there's a lot of factors that go into it. Actually, some kids do worse socially in those environments. It depends on the kid and the environment.

    With the OP's additional information and knowing that her DD has possible separation anxiety, I would highly encourage her to seek professional assistance. Trichotillomania (hair pulling) is relatively common and there are lots of causes, anxiety only being one of them. I would look into seeing someone who specializes in child and family therapy - a licensed social worker, mental health counselor, psychologist, etc. The key is finding someone who is licensed and specializes in children and families (some people say they do, but really are just jacks of all trades, masters of none). You can find one in network through your insurance by calling your customer service line, or some insurance companies have online search engines based on your zip code. Here is a resource on toddler trichotillomania (it even has a resource center where you can find therapists who specialize in it) :

    http://www.trich.org/treatment/article-toddler-golomb.html 

    While it's definitely concerning when your child is puling her hair out, it's one of those conditions that can be treated with a high rate of success (assuming you get a good therapist/counselor ;)

    As for us, I am a little concerned about my DD - not because she couldn't handle going someplace for a while, but that we lack the resources for someone to watch her. Really, I'm just hoping my DH won't be traveling when I go into labor!I have a friend who can take her when I go into labor and DH will come with me to the hospital, but most likely, DH will come home at night to be with her. With DD, I delivered at 11am and was home by 7pm the same day (yay for the birthing center). Unfortunately this time, I have to deliver at a hospital, but am planning on leaving as soon as I am legally able (barring complications of course!) - I think I have to stay 24 hours, minimum.  

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image doremi29:

    As a music teacher, I see the entire school.  Do we have students who are nervous the first few days/weeks/months?  Want Mommy (especially after lunch when it would normally be nap time for them)? Even get sad and want their mom in 1st grade, 2nd grade, etc?  Sure.  Some have some pretty severe separation anxiety, but I've never heard of a student in our school having been delayed based on separation anxiety.  My SIL is a preschool teacher and sees lots of kids with separation anxiety issues.  They work through it.  Even without reading what OP mentioned later on about her DD and the severity of her anxiety, I wouldn't have said that she was doing anything wrong by not leaving her child with people regardless of her reasoning.  Everyone has a different comfort level. 

    And I think these are really important points -  separation anxiety of differing levels is normal and is NOT associated with cognitive/developmental delays.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I'm sorry your DD struggles when you leave her alone more than a few hours. It would probably be extremely beneficial to take her to some type of therapeutic session (when my DD was showing signs of withdrawal from friends at daycare my Pediatrician recommended a play therapist). If she stresses with you being away for a few hours, bringing a new LO into the house will probably be a big stress that you can't control/take away for her. The sooner you can address the issue and begin preparing her for the changes that will take place, the better. Good luck!!
    Lilypie Maternity tickers
  • Hi there, lurking from SAHM. I wasn't too anxious to leave DD1 when I had DD2, but my mom did come from OOT to stay with her while DH and I were at the hospital. I also had a dear friend around to help out. Being so ready to have DD2 made it a bit easier. Don't worry, but you might want to get her used to a sitter or family member ahead of time. My kids absolutely love having a sitter, it's like play time to them. I'm hoping we'll have family visit this time too.

    I had to have emergency surgery when DD2 was six weeks old. Now that was a scary time to leave my kids. You have plenty of time to get ready, everything will be ok.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPic

    C  7.16.2008 | L  11.12.2010 | A  3.18.2013

     

  • I am not worried about it.  DD occasionally spends the night with my ILs (we are lucky in that they live very close and are always more than happy to watch her), and my mom will be coming down for the birth (planned CS) to stay at our house and take care of DD while I'm in the hospital.  DD is comfortable with both sets of grandparents, and they are all aware of how to do her bedtime routine.  Sure it might throw her off a little having mommy and daddy gone for a few days, but I know she'll be fine, and we plan to have her come up to the hospital every day if even for just a few minutes.

    HOWEVER, with the OP's situation, yes, I would be worried.  Your daughter has some pretty significant separation anxiety.  I would start working on an plan NOW, so that by the time you give birth, hopefully everyone is in a better place to deal with it.

    ETA: have you spoken with your pedi about this?  They may be able to offer some suggestions, or refer you to a child psychologist who I'm sure could help you out. 

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Ovulation Calculator"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1549c2.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0" /></a>

    [IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/2rxio8k.jpg[/IMG]


    Here comes baby girl #2!
    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Parenting Tips"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt14aa0f.aspx" alt=" BabyFruit Ticker" border="0" /></a>
  • Ever since DS was about 2 I've tried doing overrnights at grandma's once a month so it's not a hard adjustment.  Guessing maybe you don't have family near by to help out???  I would say start preparing now!!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker BabyFruit Ticker
  • Thanks so much ladies! I have found all of the posts to be very helpful.

    Our pediatrician is keeping an eye on her for now. We are doing a number of things to work on the separation issues. I leave her twice a week- once with childcare at church for 2 hours, and once at the gym while I do prenatal yoga for an hour. She enjoys both of these. I'm also a member of a babysitting co-op and leave her with another mom with kids her age in my community at least 3 times a month. She can handle that. We have the most difficulty when I leave for more than 3 or 4 hours. Which is why I can't imagine an overnight stay.

    I wish that I could limit my hospital stay, but I'm a c-section mom due to a uterine tear from my last pregnancy. I was there 4 days last time. Wonder if it could be less this time...

    I am so encouraged by the information and words you have shared. In the last 24 hours I am already feeling more prepared.  You are all the best!

    I will follow your recommendations as well. Thanks so much! 

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Anniversary
  • Yes. My dd will stay with my mil while I'm in the hospital. I'm especially anxious since I'm having another c-section and will be in the hospital for 5 days. My dd is 2 and DH and I have never left her overnight. Dh's parents don't live in the US and my mother is disabled so we don't have anyone to watch her. Anyways, my mil is arriving a week early to help us prepare my dd. Plus DH will be sleeping at home w her so that should help I'm hoping.
    BabyFruit Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • No---I work full time so DD is in daycare during the day already.  Also DH and I have gone on a few weekend trips without DD and she's stayed with my parents.  So I do think it might be odd to have the new baby and not DD there all the time but not worried about leaving her.
  • Our 2yo son is almost always with one of us. I plan on keeping him close to us as much as possible. We already have an activity bin of new toys, a costume, new books, art supplies, etc. to take to the hospital. I also plan on packing new pajamas and a sleeping bag.  (He's never spent the night away from us and deals really well with unusual circumstances as long as he's with me.)  So, best case scenario he'll be camping out with us through it all. If all does NOT go as well as hoped, both of our moms will be there, and hopefully our dads, too, so we can send him home with one of them.  And yes, I realize I'll hate being away from him probably more than he'll miss me- especially if he's with his beloved Pops :)  Best of luck to you, and congrats to big sister, too!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards