Appeasing MIL? Longish w/CN
mejane123
member
CN: MIL bought DJ Tanner-esque crib set after we told her not to (denim, polka dots, stripes, primary colors). Although we're grateful, we won't use most of it (it's hideous, skirt won't fit the crib, big puffy bumper, etc.). But, she wants to see it all set up in a pic. Do we set it up, take a pic, and take it all off? Then, how do we explain to her why we're not using any of it when she comes for a visit? Set was hella expensive, so I feel really bad if we don't use it. She's got a terrible habit of buying us stuff that we'd never use, so this isn't a new problem for us, it's just easier to hide ugly candlesticks than an entire crib set. Thanks!
MIL has been very generous with the gifts so far with this pregnancy, due to it being her first grandchild. She's gotten us our crib, cradle, changing table/dresser, cradle and crib bedding, as well as a bunch of smaller things (including maternity clothes for me, which I thought was odd, but whatever).
The only problem is...she bought all of this stuff when I was 9 weeks pregnant. We hadn't even had a chance to think about nursery design and colors at that point, seeing as we weren't even out of the first tri and had only known about being preggers for about 3 weeks. She asked us what kind of fabric we wanted for bedding, and we specifically told her not to worry about buying anything yet because we needed time to look around and decide what we wanted to go with (not to mention we were still in that "danger zone" of pregnancy). Does she listen? No. She went ahead and ordered the most hideous crib set I've ever seen. I'm talking denim, stripes, polka dots, and primary colors. It looks like a Full House disaster. And the bumper is so puffy it looks like a bunch of throw pillows stitched together.
Now that we've finally gotten the furniture put together in the nursery, she wants us to take a picture with everything set up (meaning the bedding and stuff) and send it to her.
My question is this. The only thing in the bedding set we're planning on using is the sheet. We aren't planning on using a bumper or blanket (I think it's a blanket. It looks more like a pad, but I don't think it's waterproof so I don't know), and the crib skirt that came with it won't fit on the crib because of the way the crib is designed. So, do we just set everything up, minus the skirt, take a picture, and then take it all off? And if we do that, what do we say to her when she comes over and we aren't using all the stuff she gave us?
And to make matters worse, we just opened up the bag with all the bedding in it and it had a $700 price tag on it (I guess she forgot to take it off). I'm praying that that was including the cost of the crib and changing table, because, aside from that being outrageous, IMO, if she seriously spent that much money on bedding, I'm gonna feel REALLY bad not using it.
This is a stupid problem, I know, but a recurring one with her because she continually buys us stuff that we'll just never use. I seriously think she raids the clearance section at Pier 1 before she comes for a visit.
ETA: Set is not returnable because apparently, it's custom-made.
ETA (again): DH and I just looked over everything, and apparently everything is dry-clean only. Wonderful.
Re: Appeasing MIL? Longish w/CN
There's no better way than to be direct. Kind but direct.
I am a huge believer in nesting being important for the Mum and for bonding with the baby. So I would tell her that you so appreciate the gesture but would she be okay if you exchanged it for something you had in mind.
If you let her know you had something in mind and had hoped to get that it might help, while still emphasizing your thankfulness for her generosity!
Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention it's non-returnable because it's custom made. Or at least, that's what's written on the side of the package.
I did register for a bumper-free bedding set that fits with the theme we're planning on. I just really wish she'd talked to us first before buying something so expensive!!
You have a couple of options here -
1. Throw the stuff on the crib & take a picture. Use it when she visits. Avoids confrontation, but keeps her giving you things without consulting you.
2. Have DH thank her for the set, but say that now that you've had more time to plan & decorate you've decided to return it to her. Remind her you had asked her not to purchase anything for the room so early. It's confrontational, and may hurt her feelings. I think it's important DH does this so she sees you as a COUPLE are deciding this.
(Personally, I'd be pissed as hell if my MIL sent me something & expected me to use it without consulting me. It's MY house not hers! )
Thanks for all the input!
This.
Don't pander to manipulative people or you will continue to be manipulated.
I agree with these girls. If you set it up, take it down and then lie about it not fitting than she will continue the behavior.
I would package it all up, including the sheet, and give it all back to her. Thank her. Tell her you've chosen a different theme and this bedding does not fit that theme. I'd let her worry about returning the bedding.
When I had DS, my mil was very persistent about buying things for him. She still is. I would just direct her to our registry. I included bedding on the registry. This was a great way to direct her spending.
You're absolutely right, and that's what I'm having such a problem figuring out what to do. I'd hate for her to see a picture of it (or some of it) all set up, love it, then come over to force the matching lamp, throw pillow, and rug on us next week. I absolutely do not want her thinking she can dictate how the nursery looks. I know at this point I'm stressing about a baby's room that will probably change a million times in the upcoming years, but I'd feel the same way if she wanted to buy us living room furniture.
I'm thinking I'll just set up the one I registered for (if I don't get it at my shower, I'm planning on buying it with our completion coupon), and when/if she asks why we haven't set it up, I'll have DH tell her we didn't realize it was dry clean only and that we just haven't gotten a chance to clean it yet. She absolutely can't get mad about us waiting to clean the set before using it. But I'll also have him tell her that we tried it out and the skirt doesn't really fit the crib, and we aren't planning on using the bumper. Maybe she can return in for store credit or something and use it toward a different set that we pick out together if she can't get her money back.
I'm really hoping that I get the set I registered for at my shower so it doesn't look like I went out and replaced the one she bought. Then I can also mention how happy I am I got it because it goes so well with our theme. I just have to figure out how to do that without sounding like I don't think hers does.
I think you have to just give it back now. I would not wait until she asks about why you have a different one set up in the room. The dry cleaning excuse sounds made up. I think waiting would only make it more awkward.
Honestly, I'd set my foot down now. If you continue to try to work around not hurting her feelings your just setting yourself up. She is being manipulative.
My most trusted friends have told me that whatever I allow prior to baby's birth will establish the rules for after baby's birth. If you allow MIL to dictate all this right now, then she will dictate after baby is born. You and DH need to have an honest conversation about all the gift giving. ANd you all need to set rules about your baby so you can present a united front to MIL for all future issues - bc it sounds like she's gearing up to tell you how to do everything.
She really should have consulted with you all first before even purchasing the furniture! How would she know what fits in your house or what fits your personality or your vision? DH should lead this convo and establish that for baby, you would prefer for her to buy what's on your registry - but you absolutely appreciate what's been done so far.
But re the bedding. I'd actually keep it bc it's a gift. and just don't use it. Thank her for it. Tell her the pediatrician doesn't recommend crib bumpers or blankets, so you'll just use the sheet and call it a day. If she keeps asking about it, tell her you haven't used it yet, but some day you're sure you will.
Just bc someone gives something to you doesn't mean you have to use it. She'll get over it. Decorate how you want to decorate. If she asks later what happened, say that since she selected the furniture, you selected the bedding bc you were so excited about it all.
Above all: no pictures! Don't send her any. that bedding does sound hideous.