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Working Moms
WhitWed
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Would you stay or go? (daycare)
WhitWed
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in Working Moms
Our DD (13mo) is in a daycare close to home. It is the second most expensive in the area, but also supposed to be one of the better ones in the area. However, I am starting to really resent the place because DD keeps getting bit. They're not allowed to tell us who is biting or if it's the same child each time. Their policy is bite 3x in one day and the biter is sent home. If it happens 3x a day consistently, they are kicked out. So technically a child could bite 1x a day for 365 days and never have any consequences!
I understand biting is a phase; however my child doesn't do it. She is the victim every time and sometimes the bite marks leave bruises for over a week. One bite ring on her back has left a small scar! We get papers home that she is being bit at least once per week, sometimes more. I confronted the teachers about this and then the daycare owner. They all kind of acted as if it was our fault we had a problem with it and restated their policy each time. I could go to corporate, but I'm not sure what to say at this point.
Should I get her on a waiting list of a new place or wait out the "phase" of these other children who bite? It's incredibly frustrating! I hate sending her to a place to get injured. Advice is welcome!
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Re: Would you stay or go? (daycare)
What is their policy re: the biter (do they discipline, shadow, remove, etc.)?
I don't think you're going to find a daycare without (at least 1) biter. If you are happy with the center otherwise, I'd stay there.
Thank you for the quick response! They were supposedly shadowing the biter that left the scar on her back (I was livid about that one), but after multiple incidents they were shadowing DD and the other children who were being bit. I understand no daycare is going to be perfect without biters/slappers/etc. because all kids go through weird phases, but I was wondering if I should find one where she is bit less often or they have a more strict biting policy.
Or maybe I should change her lotion...she must taste sweet.
Otherwise, I think it's ridiculous that they allow the kid to continue to bite and come back. First, check your state regulation for kid to teacher ratio and see if there are too many kids in the class for the teacher to keep up with. I've had biters in my class and I kept a close eye on them to protect the others. It's hard to do that if there's too many kids.
It is true that there is always a biter in any daycare so I'd hate to tell you to leave that place. But maybe check into the policy at the other place because they might have stricter rule about it.
Most importantly you should feel respected by the people who care for your child. They should be just as concerned about your kid getting bit as you are!
I agree. I would be concerned that they are not being supervised enough if she is getting bitten that often.
I also agree that wherever you go, there are going to be kids like that. Maybe not necessarily a biter, but we have a pusher at ours. I would be more concerned about the supervision than the child since you can't change that, but you can question the adult.
Hmmm... Now you have me getting worried about MY daycare.
My LO has been bitten every day for the past two weeks! I also had a chat with the director over it and was told they had four biters and knew who they were. They try to shadow them as much as possible. It's always on his left arm. I've comtemplated just bandaging it daily to prevent teeth marks! I was concerned, but now you guys are saying that's ridiculous to be bit so much. I just assumed that it was normal for this age. My kid isn't a biter either. So, OP, I don't know. I guess do what works best for you. I really like our center, so we'll be staying for now...
My kid was the bite-ee as well. I remember being traumatized at the time and thinking that I was sending my kid into toddler war or some such thing, lol.
The thing is, biting for toddler is normal, and more than that...the kids who are getting bitten are not as devestated as we are. Some kids don't even react to being bitten (hard as that is to imagine). So, try and think like a 1 year old: getting bitten is the least of your worries. You're trying to figure out how to walk, how to talk, how to get the majority of your lunch in your belly instead of on your shirt. Oh yeah, some kid bit me...big deal. On with playing!
I know how it feels. It feels crappy. But it won't last forever, I promise. And believe it or not, no long term harm done.
ETA: here's a pic of a bitemark from my DS's back when he was 18ish months...you wonder how a kid could open his mouth that wide!
sorry about the giant pic!
LEgally, they cant tell you who the biter is. Its data privacy.
There is nothing that this daycare is doing that is wrong, and it sounds like their policy is pretty standards.
Kids bite, it happens, especially at this age. And what you do want them to do? Suspend him? They are at the age where they don't have words, so they have to find other ways to express themselves. Its a pretty normal thing at this age.
It sucks, but it really isn't worth moving your kid to a new daycare over.
THis coming from a mom who has had their kid bitten many, many times. But I was also a biter when I was little, so I guess Karma is a b!tch.
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It's a normal phase. You can move your kid but there's no guarantee it won't happen in the new place. You can speak with the supervisor and see if there is anything additional they can do to make sure the children who are going through this phase are shadowed or there is some reason they are getting frustrated.
Both of my children have been bitten. One of them also bites others, the other has never (knock on wood) bitten anyone. I don't particularly like that they are getting bitten, but I do know it's a common phase when children are this age because they don't have words to use yet. It always surprises me that parents want the child kicked out or punished somehow, like they are a bad child for biting. Really, it's more of an issue that the caregivers aren't catching it and redirecting. I would wonder if they are overburdened. I do know ours are at times.
To leave a daycare over toddlers biting is silly in my opinion, especially when there are so many other (more worrysome) issues you could be dealing with at a daycare. It happens everywhere. DD constantly got bit or bit someone else from like 18 months to 2 years old. Nothing ever broke the skin, but occassionally she got marks. Toddlers bite, it's a normal part of learning to express themselves. They're not going to kick a child out over that, until they're 4 or 5 because they just don't know any better any younger than 2 - and if they do that's pretty messed up.
The bigger issue is how is the school handling things. At that age, when they don't know any better, I do think biting is partially the responsiblity of the provider to closely watch the children - at least more so when they know there's a biting issue. and partially on the parents to work wtih the school to get the child to understand that it's wrong and hurts and that there are other ways to express themselves. At my school they closely monitor the biters and create a log to look at why the child is biting. Are there certain triggers? Maybe they do it when they're tired, or when they're hungry, or it's whenever someone tries to play with a specific toy, or if they have to go potty, or some kids are happy biters and just dont know how to express their excitement. Or maybe one child is constantly instigating others and so they're always getting bitten or maybe it's a teething issue and they need a hard chew toy to bite on. Are they working with the parents of the habitual biter to discuss how to get it under control?
What happens if you find a new day care, and now you get incident reports twice a week instead of once?
I'm not sure how the price of the center correlates to your kid being bit, either. Because parents can afford more expensive care, their kids shouldn't bite?
I would be satisfied with their policy, and trust that they're doing everything within their power. I certainly wouldn't change centers over this.
I don't think you are getting a good response from teh daycare/teachers. They need to monitor the biter more closely, figure out what the triggers are and fix that problem and/or move the kids to a bigger room w/ more toys, more options.
None of that has to do w/ tuition, but it doesn't sound like the school is addressing your concerns. I would schedule a meeting w/ the director and ask what they are doing to prevent this issue and see what the response is and then go from there. If they aren't treating this as a serious problem, then I'd move on.
We had the same situation at my sons daycare when he moved into the toddler room, he was being bit on a regular basis, couldn't be told who the biter was, although told it was equal opportunity biting (I.e. not same child each time). And what upset me the most was his primary teacher acted as if he was his fault ( he had pushed someone or he took a toy), to which I agreed he shouldn't do, said I hadn't seen it but would look for it and it wasn't an excuse to allow biting.
My sister is a preschool teacher and confirmed it was unfortunately normal and to be patient, that the teachers are watching, but can't always stop it. It also helped me to talk to my cousins wife as her son was the biter in his class, and she felt awful and at a loss for what to do. We stayed at the center ( it was a good location and subsidized by my husband's work, and besides the biting my son seemed to enjoy it, and we loved all the teachers other than his primary). It took a couple of months, but the biting subsided and we haven't had an incident in at least three months. And our relationship with his primary has improved.
Good luck with your decision.
We had the same situation at my sons daycare when he moved into the toddler room, he was being bit on a regular basis, couldn't be told who the biter was, although told it was equal opportunity biting (I.e. not same child each time). And what upset me the most was his primary teacher acted as if he was his fault ( he had pushed someone or he took a toy), to which I agreed he shouldn't do, said I hadn't seen it but would look for it and it wasn't an excuse to allow biting.
My sister is a preschool teacher and confirmed it was unfortunately normal and to be patient, that the teachers are watching, but can't always stop it. It also helped me to talk to my cousins wife as her son was the biter in his class, and she felt awful and at a loss for what to do. We stayed at the center ( it was a good location and subsidized by my husband's work, and besides the biting my son seemed to enjoy it, and we loved all the teachers other than his primary). It took a couple of months, but the biting subsided and we haven't had an incident in at least three months. And our relationship with his primary has improved.
Good luck with your decision.
My kid bites. As the parent of a biter I just want to say I'm sorry.
The parents of the biter in your class are sorry too. It's awful, my kid bites at least 2x per week (and has since mid-Aug) and they're random and not reactions, which makes them really hard to prevent (he just turns and bites, no fighting or anything to instigate).
I feel like the worst mom in the world when I go to pick him up and they give me yet another report. I have cried the whole drive home from DC a few times. We've tried everything. They've tried everything. He has to sit next to the teacher every time she changes a diaper now b/c that's when a lot of them occurred, the second her back was turned. He's bit every kid in the class at least once. (I guess I'm glad he's not biting 1 kid over and over at least)
Press for more info - is she being bit at a certain time? During a certain activity? While playing with a certain toy? If it's something like with my kid, during diaper changes, ask that another teacher comes in or even the director for a few minutes to help out, ask that the toy being fought over be removed, etc.
ETA - My son never bit until he was 20 months.
Biting is going to happen at this age, it should not matter who the child is that is biting (what are you honestly going to do about it?) The center should never send a toddler home because he/she is biting they need to know how to work with children to help them learn to express their needs in different ways and the center needs to SUPERVISE better! Sending a toddler home is no going to do anything, they arent able to understand the signifigance of it and if I was the parent of the so called "biter" I would be livid! They should be stopping the bite before it happens. In my opinion the director and the teachers need better training on how to handle the situation.
I'm a consultant in Early Childhood and I work with centers all the time that are dealing with biting situations. I would look closely at the child/teacher ratio and pay special attention to supervision a lot of times the teachers are in the room but are not engaged. If you are able, observe the room at an unexpected time when the teachers are not aware you are looking. Watch the teachers not the children!!
Your child probably gets hit, pushed, kicked, etc... several times a day because they are toddlers and they are learning how to interact with their world
Its just bite marks are more obvious so they always get the most attention!
Would you want a stricter biting policy if the biter was your kid? DD was bitten once at daycare and it left this nasty mark and bruise for over a week. Her teacher (who we love) said she didn't make a sound when she was bit--it really just didn't faze her.
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This rubbed me the wrong way a little bit, as it sounds a bit like "MY child does not do this." Maybe I'm misreading but I would follow it with "yet". Your LO is only 13 months old. She could be the biter one day & even if she is not, put yourself in the shoes of parents of biters for one second- it is very likely that they are trying everything in their power to curb this behavior & wondering if the other parents are talking about their kid, telling their kids to stay away, asking for their kid to be kicked out or whatever, etc, b/c often ppl find out who it is even though teachers don't tell. I understand the concern about your child getting hurt though like pp said, it doesn't always affect kids as much as you might think. It is also difficult for the other family. I have had the biter & the bitten, and I'll be honest, DS bit one kid at DC ever, at an age when they were all old enough to talk and 'tell' on each other & no lie that kid's mom will not make eye contact with me and doesnt even say hello when we pass each other in the hall or in the classroom... I have zero idea if it is directly related or not (we've never formally 'met' but most of the parents will at least smile and just say hello), but every time I see her, I'm like, oh she won't look at me b/c my kid bit her kid ONE time fighting over the slide. It sucks both ways.
That being said, you do need to be comfortable with the actions they're taking in the classroom, as long as your expectations are realistic, so the advice given by others re what to ask about is good!
It's always the teacher's fault even at the toddler level... Yikes.
Bites can come out of nowhere... You are expecting a teacher to change your babies, feed them, entertain them, love them and make sure none of them get hurt... Ratio in the toddler room in pa is 1 teacher for five toddlers... If you don't want your child bit, don't blame the teachers... Blame whoever made such a ridiculous ratio.
If you think it is easy to keep five toddlers happy, loved and safe without a bite... Give it a shot. As some of you know, it's hard to do it with even one! :
I *think* she was actually interpreting the post she quoted as blaming the teachers &disagreeing, thus the 'yikes' afterward.
I think the biggest challenge w/ OPs child is that she and the biters are probably in the 12-18 month range therefore not particular verbal so teaching to use words and 'coping skills' is a bit difficult so it challenging to intervene.