IA thoughts... flame-free pls!

srmmm09 · September 2012

We're about to be put on the wait list at our orphanage, and I'm just feeling conflicted. Our heart is to adopt a child who may not get adopted otherwise, or at least to adopt from a place where there are more children than there are places in orphanages. I think we are doing the latter, and I really love our orphanage because they try hard to reunite children with their birth families or to have them adopted in-country. Anyway.

I originally wanted to adopt a waiting child, but with E's age, the only children waiting had needs beyond what we felt we could provide - even just financially. Most of the children with needs we could welcome are E's age or older. We don't really want to twin him.

I guess it's just leading me to feel.. I don't know, weird... to be telling people we may be waiting for a year when our desire in the first place was not to be competing for a child. It kind of feels like we're defeating the purpose of adopting in the first place. I'd think more seriously of changing, but I just really feel like our child is in Uganda and I would probably always wonder if I gave up on him/her.

I think the trouble I'm feeling is that our agency's way of using the wait list (tho very fair) could have us ending up with a perfectly healthy young baby. The thought makes me super uncomfortable. Is that crazy? Am I crazy? Am I just PMS-ing? Somebody fix me!

IRR · September 2012

srmmm09:
I think the trouble I'm feeling is that our agency's way of using the wait list (tho very fair) could have us ending up with a perfectly healthy young baby. The thought makes me super uncomfortable. Is that crazy? Am I crazy? Am I just PMS-ing? Somebody fix me!

First of all, have some chocolate. Second, I get what you are saying, but there is nothing wrong with getting a "healthy child" when all you really want to do is provide a good home for a child who doesn't have one. It doesn't sound like you can afford a special needs child, so just think of it as any child who ends up in an orphanage that cannot be returned to their Birth Family is a child who is needed by you and your family. Sure there are other's out there like you, look at the boards, but the overall goal is to increase your family through adoption. If your heart is in Uganda, stick with Uganda.

AwBeth · September 2012

I can totally relate to many of your feelings. This is something we have discussed as well, and its a tricky situation. I don't have any great wisdom on the situation, just that I sympathize I think you have to keep in mind a couple things: 1) Your child is in Uganda. If you believe that strongly, then I think you have to go with that. 2) It's not as if everyone in the world is fighting to adopt orphans from Uganda. I don't mean that rudely at all -- I just mean that there's a very short list of people willing to put themselves through a rigorous home study and pay the financial price of adopting from Uganda. Even if there is a (short) wait list, I don't think that necessarily means you are adopting a child "away" from a family. Besides, as you said, your child is in Uganda!

I have more thoughts, but they aren't coming out eloquently, so I'll stop there. Just know that I can relate! If you have a calling to adopt from Uganda, then go with that calling!! (or feeling that your child is from Uganda, or however you want to put it).

miss1180 · September 2012

follow your heart! if you feel that your child is in Uganda, then you will end up with the child from Uganda who is meant to be with your family. whether that child has special needs or is perfectly healthy- they will be the child meant for you and your family :-)

we just adopted a little boy from Korea. I know a lot of people are thinking "there are plenty of kids in the US that need homes, why not adopt one of them?" because- our hearts told us our child was in Korea. :-) And the longer he is with us, the more clear it is!! i was just telling a friend that he coule not be anymore "our" child if I had given birth to him- he just "fits" with us!

like you, we debated about special needs vs "standard" process. I knew the special needs children probably needed a home "more", but our heart just told us to go with the "Standard" process. In the end, a child who needed a permanent family got one, and there is one less "orphan" in the world. Thats all that matters :-)

srmmm09 · September 2012

IRR:

First of all, have some chocolate.

aaaamennnnnn

srmmm09 · September 2012

AwBeth:
It's not as if everyone in the world is fighting to adopt orphans from Uganda.

This is exactly what DH said, "Is there a wait list because there are so many families, or because the process is slow?"

merrrr... When we get on the list, we'll almost assuredly be in the teens. It's true that there aren't a hundred families all standing in line for a limited number of children.

srmmm09 · September 2012

Alright, I feel much better. I think I psyched myself out. Thanks y'all!

silliestbunny · September 2012

I applaud everything you've said and are feeling... not in a bad way but in a "I get it way". It's all so tricky.... and I hate that people are blind to all of it. Clearly you "get" it.

Something else to sort of build you up.... by going on the waiting list you are braving the wait for a country that isn't necessarily stable. Not that it isn't stable... but it's not the most well established program and therefore ALL the kids are in jeopardy of not getting forever homes. Does that make any sense??

My heart is with IA... but it's not right for our family (or me w/a cancer history). I have finally come to terms that one of the best ways I can contribute is by financially supporting certain programs and orphanages. If I were you, I'd mentally remind myself of this so you don't beat yourself up over the waiting children you can't bring home. It's heartbreaking but there are so many ways to help aside from adoption.

Stay strong and remind yourself of the million reasons that you chose Uganda. Your child is waiting to FIND you

CaptainSerious · October 2012

For what it's worth, I adopted waiting children from Peru, and still had waits. The fact that there is a waiting list does not negate that these children need homes, nor does it somehow mean that you are competing with other parents for not that many children. It is counter-intuitive, but I think you are finally getting to a place where you can see this duality.

Hang tight. You've changed paths a few times, and it's natural to question yourself, but you've come a long way, and I think you know you've found the path that feels right and will lead you to YOUR child.

If you ever need to vent or bounce ideas off me, I'm around. I know the rush of mixed emotions and doubts that are inherent in the IA process, but I can assure you that when you are home marveling at how wonderful your child is, you'll know there was no other way that God could have wanted you to go.

CaptainSerious · October 2012

And, as for special needs vs. healthy, my friends have a favorite saying that I think applies, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

We had gone through lists of medical/mental/special needs conditions and selected very carefully each time so that we made ourselves available for children who might not otherwise be adopted but whose needs we thought we could handle. Each time, we selected certain medical conditions we were sure we could live with, but strongly felt that we could not maintain the lives we hoped for our future while still parenting a child with fetal alcohol syndrome or various delays that would affect his/her ability to become a self-sufficient adult.

We thought M's heart condition would be difficult to deal with. And it was. The hardest days of my life were those few during and immediately following his surgery. I never wish anything like that on anyone (it was way too soon in our relationship for us to go through, and I believe would be much easier on me emotionally if we were to do it now). But you know what? It only lasted for about 4 days, and now he is the healthiest kid on the block. However, his dyslexia and educational delays totally took us by surprise, and are starting to look like they will be a life-long struggle for us. We are facing the fact that he likely does have FAS, and it's going to affect him throughout his life and possibly limit his potential. We are facing unbelievably costly remedies, that luckily we can afford, but we are petrified about making the wrong choices, resulting in more delays. Our son can't tell time, count money, or read, and we are starting to fear that if we don't make the right choices NOW, he won't be able to function on his own in the world as an adult.

We are facing all our biggest fears, and you know what? We're coping. Sure I'm having a particularly bad time of it right now, but I am in love and over the moon with my son, and he has done nothing but brought happiness and the most deep love I have ever felt in to my life. I can't imagine my life without HIM, and I am so blessed to have him love me.

So, my point is that just because you think you might end up with a "healthy baby," you have no idea what you may be surprised with down the line. Similarly, you might adopt a special needs child and discover that his/her needs are quite mild. God knows your limits and is picking/has picked your child. Let Him lead you to him/her.

ellekae · October 2012

CaptainSerious:
So, my point is that just because you think you might end up with a "healthy baby," you have no idea what you may be surprised with down the line. Similarly, you might adopt a special needs child and discover that his/her needs are quite mild. God knows your limits and is picking/has picked your child. Let Him lead you to him/her.

Well said.

ellekae · October 2012

srmmm09:
We're about to be put on the wait list at our orphanage, and I'm just feeling conflicted. Our heart is to adopt a child who may not get adopted otherwise, or at least to adopt from a place where there are more children than there are places in orphanages. I think we are doing the latter, and I really love our orphanage because they try hard to reunite children with their birth families or to have them adopted in-country. Anyway.
I originally wanted to adopt a waiting child, but with E's age, the only children waiting had needs beyond what we felt we could provide - even just financially. Most of the children with needs we could welcome are E's age or older. We don't really want to twin him.
I guess it's just leading me to feel.. I don't know, weird... to be telling people we may be waiting for a year when our desire in the first place was not to be competing for a child. It kind of feels like we're defeating the purpose of adopting in the first place. I'd think more seriously of changing, but I just really feel like our child is in Uganda and I would probably always wonder if I gave up on him/her.
I think the trouble I'm feeling is that our agency's way of using the wait list (tho very fair) could have us ending up with a perfectly healthy young baby. The thought makes me super uncomfortable. Is that crazy? Am I crazy? Am I just PMS-ing? Somebody fix me!

I feel exactly this way sometimes. Glad to know I am not alone! Thanks for posting.

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