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Blended Families
Yes I know it is none of my business
I know it is none of my business what ex spends his and his wifes money on....BUT excuse me if it pisses me off a bit when your son asks for help paying his truck insurance and you say no and turn around and buy a Harley one month later, especially after the lies in court about your income that allowed your child support to be cut in half.
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Re: Yes I know it is none of my business
Very frustrating, I wouldn't give a crap about the reduction in child support if he would step up and help the kids with other things like insurance or clothes or shoes and I wouldn't care about the reduction if it was not based on big fat lies. I just keep telling myself karma is a cold B*&^h.
Oh, man.
When XH and I were going through the divorce he whined all the time about how he had no money for CS. He had no money to come see DS. He had no money for a carseat. Whine whine cry cry.
Then I got his financial affidavit and saw where his money was going. $150 bouquets for his girlfriend. $100s on fast food every week. $300 for luggage to go see her. $500 plane tickets. I mean really.
I called him on it one time. He was outright lying, and I cannot stand someone lying to my face. But after that, I was done with it. It's easier to just not know or not think about it.
I am with you there.
On the flip side from the SM point of view...I make a good living and it infurates me that I have to justify what I spend my money on. If I choose to buy my husband a new Harley, take vacations, buy a new car/house, it's really no one's business as long as CS is paid and needs are being met.
First, I want to say that I do not know your background or the tenor of your Ex and/or His wife. Just like you do not know my background with DH, SS and BM.
But you sound just like our BM when we, yet again, chose not to pay for SS's car insurance.
We actually HAVE custody of SS and our financial situation is okay, but not great. Even if it were great, we are not paying for his car insurance (sure as hell wouldnt pay for a truck).
For us, its a two-fold lesson: forcing him to get a damn job and teaching him responsibility and the power of money. But it does not bother me if the BF just doesnt think it is his responsiblity. Because cars are not rights, they are priveleges.
I agree but to tell your child that you cannot afford to help with something and then turn around and buy something expensive is to me a lie, had he said something like it was your responsibility and now you have to figure out how to handle it would have been different. The child support is generally a month or two behind also, which considering how some people never see a dime I am thankful.
Maybe the BD can't afford it, but the SM can? We are obvisouly not in the same situation as we have never been behind or missed a CS payment. I can tell you that if my SD or BM came to us, asked MH for car insurance, he says "no, I can't afford it" (which would be a true statement) but then they throw out "how come you can afford XYZ" I would be hella mad. I shouldn't have to justify that we spend my income on and our priorities as long as SK'd needs (not wants) are being met. My income and what we do with it should never be questioned.
can tell you that if my SD or BM came to us, asked MH for car insurance, he says "no, I can't afford it" (which would be a true statement) but then they throw out "how come you can afford XYZ" I would be hella mad. I shouldn't have to justify that we spend my income on and our priorities as long as SK'd needs (not wants) are being met.
My son would never say this to his father. Second his dad expects him to drive himself and his sister over to his house for visits, don't you think if he wants him to drive 100 miles round trip he should maybe contribute something to the vehicle?
First let me start by saying that it's fantastic that your son was afforded the opportunity to play with an elite program over the summer. I know those programs are done based on tryouts and kids have to qualify and be invited to participate.
However, this is a great learning experience for your son. As adults, sometimes we aren't able to do everything we want to do because there are other things that need to be done. When I was in High School I played volleyball. I was invited to play for a travel team that was always heavily recruited by colleges. It was the perfect opportunity to get some exposure and possibly a scholarship. But I had to pay for my car insurance and gas. I was an AP student, editor of the Yearbook and played volleyball, and my parents made me pay my own car insurance. I knew that having practices 4 days a week and traveling every weekend would leave me zero time to work, so I declined the invite. It sucked, but I knew that without car insurance I didn't have a car. Did it suck? Yup. But that's life.
As for what BD buys, you're right it's none of your business. I completely understand your frustration. My children's father owes me more than 20k in CS and yet he always manages to have a new car, new cellphone, new quads, etc. He works for cash so the State can't garnish anything. And yet somehow, he spins it so I'm the bad guy. Because really, how dare I expect him to provide for his children when I'm remarried, own a business with my husband, and work. It's a crap situation, yes. But your BD is paying his CS. And your son is a Senior in High School and is capable of working and paying for his own insurance. We all wish that our BMs/BDs would do more for our kids, but we can't make them do more than what the CO specifies.
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I get why you are annoyed. But this insurance agreement was between you and DS and he did not make his part of the bargain and that was a choice. Either you decide he did enough and pay the rest or you decide to stick to the agreement and he does not get to drive. If I were you and my SD is turning 23 and live with us in middle and high school I would not allow money from BD to pay for DS' responsibility because it tells him that he can ask others to pay his way when he does not work hard enough. If you choose to pay it then it would be with the understanding that the extra sports helped him earn it from you. Oh, and driving your other kids around does not make BD responsible, it might have made him less inclined.
Honestly? No. Your son is a Senior in High School, has access to a vehicle and is capable of working to pay his own insurance and gas. My parents made me pay my own car insurance and gas when I was in High School, and I come from an intact family. My parents could have easily afforded to pay all my expenses but they thought it was more important to teach me to do it myself. Granted, if I needed new tires or some major repairs to the car then my parents would cover it, but I was expected to pay it back in full.
And if your son isn't going to drive himself for the visits, what is the other option? Either you will have to drive the kids or BD will have to come get them. I'm counting down the years until K can drive and transport herself to and from houses so that we can limit our interaction with BM. I cannot wait for the day we no longer have to plan everything around pick-up and drop-off times.
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According to our CO BD would have to pick up and drop off the kids for visitation. I am sorry I think if he is not going to do that then he needs to give his son some gas money or help with the insurance when he is driving the vehicle to his dads house it would be different if we lived close but 100 miles round trip is something else.
I was able to earn a volleyball scholarship and work part-time to pay for my car insurance and gas in High School. I don't see anything wrong with telling kids they need to take responsibility for the extras they want. If I didn't work to pay for my car expenses, then my parents would have had to drive me around everywhere. They would have gladly done that, but I wanted the freedom of being able to drive myself.
As PP said, the agreement regarding the insurance and gas was made between OP and DS, not BD. He had no say in the matter, and to expect him to be bound by that agreement is wrong.
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Ok OP, you stared on this whole rant about how BD won't pay the insurance and how you are bitter because he can buy things for himself but not pay for things your son should be responsible for. Piece by piece you add things to try and justify it.
Why wasn't dad included in the deal in the first place? If your son is driving himself and sis 100 miles round trip then there should have been some sort of agreement before this even took place or Dad could have kept on picking them up the way CO states. I really do feel like you brought this upon yourself as well, especially since we really don't know the whole story.
You decided to make a deal just including you and your son- Dad wasn't part of the deal. Now if son can't drive because of no insurance or can't afford the gas then it is time for dad to start to do pick ups and drop offs again. That simple.