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Adoption
BethanyB2609
member
Legitimate concerns or thinking too much?
BethanyB2609
member
in Adoption
Hey ladies!
I have posted here before, but I mostly lurk and learn from you all as we haven't made a definintive decision regarding adoption yet. I hope you don't mind me coming here with questions that I am hoping you can help me with. I'm not sure if I am overthinking the whole process (which I am known for doing) or if these are legitimate concerns that I should face now before making a decision.
1. Before considering adoption/adopting, were you concerned about drug exposure that you may not be notified about? I feel very concerened about behavior problems related to drug exposure.
2. Did you/do you ever worry about the day that your child will begin asking questions related to their adoption?
3. If you already have biological children or are considering trying for biological children do you ever worry about the way the adopted child will feel in regards to having siblings that are biologically yours?
I am sorry if some of these questions are inappropriate, I just have all of these thoughts in my mind and no where to discuss them. Any and all information that you provide will be so appreciated. My husband and I are starting to dig deeper into the adoption process and I am just trying to prepare myself for all situations that may arise (although I know that is hardly possible).
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Re: Legitimate concerns or thinking too much?
Welcome. I don't think these kind of questions are inappropriate at all- ask away!
1. We are adopting internationally and alcohol exposure (FAS) was a big question for us. Ultimately we knew we would get as much information as possible (as you will) to make an informed decision and then not worry about the rest. Our son does not show any markers that we could see for FAS but if he is diagnosed in the future he will still be our son and we will deal with it one day at a time. For a domestic situation you need to do your research about exposure and different results and make an informed decision. With adoption as with bio children, no one is guaranteed their child's health so there is a certain amount of stepping out in faith involved.
2. Honestly, I do not worry about it. We will talk about adoption from day 1 so while the questions will become more mature and perhaps harder to deal with, they won't come "out of nowhere." We will give our son as much information as is age appropriate and walk with him through all the questions, even the painful ones. Something adoption has helped us learn very early on in our parenting journey, is that we cannot protect our child(ren) from life. We can give them love, grace, and all the resources they need but ultimately each person walks their own path through life and everyone has pain. We know our son will go through painful periods in his life as he contemplates his relinquishment and his adoption. We are preparing ourselves for it equipping ourselves to walk with him through those times, but we are not worrying about it.
3. We hope to have one or two bio children after our adoption and this is an issue that concerns me. First of all, even though I know I will love all my children I already feel like I could never love a child as much as I love the little boy we are trying to adopt. There is something about the challenging journey of adoption that puts a fierce love in your heart for this child and I worry that I won't feel the same for a bio child. From what I've been told, these are normal feelings. :-) We have talked about adopting again and I think that having two adopted children would help as they would both have someone to whom they could relate. But just like in #2- I know I can't protect my children from life and feeling of jealousy and resentment might not be avoidable. I pray they are temporary if they arise.
DH is bio and his sister was adopted. She went through a period in the teen years where she felt like DH was favored b/c he was bio. As an adult they get along fine and they both have wonderful relationships with their parents.
These are all great questions and ones that need to be asked. My best advice would be to channel your worry into equipping yourself to face these issues if/when they arise. Easier said then done, I know!
TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI
Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption
Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!
Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues:
Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count
Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???
Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013
1. I think as you do some more specific research, you'll learn that drug exposure isn't as big of a risk as alcohol abuse during pregnancy. The key thing here is the word abuse: an occasional drink isn't likely to be a problem, but if the mother is an alcoholic or partying all the time, you may have to deal with fetal alcohol syndrome. Assuming you get to know your child's biological mother, this isn't likely to be a surprise, as it's not unlikely you'll be able to tell if there are signs that she's getting drunk repeatedly during her pregnancy.
My limited understanding regarding drug use is that the critical time is directly after birth, when the baby will go through withdrawal, but that in many cases, with many drugs, the children do not show lasting effects after the first few weeks/months. Even those that do end up with delays can often be brought up to speed within a relatively short period of time through early intervention.
2. This is one of those things that I think is more scary before you start to have the conversations than it is when you are in the thick of it. We talk very openly with M about his past, biological family, and adoption. He's 9 (we adopted him in 2010), and he remembers most of it. With J (he's 6, adopted this past Spring), we also talk openly, but he's still trying to figure out the differences between family and orphanage, so it will take a while before the tough questions start. I'm sure that it will go just fine, as we have covered some really difficult ground with M and come out stronger and closer for it.
If the child has a difficult history, there are some great articles/books that help you frame and present the story in a way they can digest. The more times I read these types of stories, the more I feel prepared to tell J about what may have happened to his birth family and help him understand his past.
3. I don't have any biological children, but we initially thought we would try to conceive after adopting. We are currently thinking that we won't do that, but not because of any concerns about the differences our adopted children might feel. Honestly, I couldn't imagine loving another child any more than my two, so I don't think the simple fact that we share blood would change the way my children feel. I share blood with my parents and brother, but I am just as close, if not closer, with my in-laws. I think my children will see that, and my love for my husband (and vice versa), and realize that it's not blood that fosters love and creates family, it's love and commitment that create and foster family.
Embarrassing BM admission: I exposed M, the LO I placed for adoption, to alcohol, tobacco and to mushrooms (that kind) before I knew I was pregnant. Only once (maybe twice to alcohol? It's hard to know bc I couldn't remember when my last period was). I know, shrooms, gimme a break, how dumb was that? I was in a weird place in that specific time, searching for something but not yet having found him. I stopped smoking the day after I found out I was pregnant (though I was 7 or 8 weeks along).
Anyway anyway, M is 6.5 and has no "problems." He's very bright and sweet I'm betting (with the exception of the mushrooms bc who does that? Oh young me, you so crazy) my situation is more common.
For the other things... I hope our adopted children don't feel a difference of love. I certainly won't love our children differently because of how they came into our family, but that doesn't stop many children from perceiving things incorrectly out of fear or insecurity. I've also heard of bio kids perceiving that their adopted siblings were favored over them. You can only manage that to a certain extent, you know? I'm sure there are great books on ways to help your children feel secure in your love.
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
Thank you all so much for taking the time to answer my questions and address my concerns. It feels good to know I am not the only one who has these worries. I plan to continue researching and learning from you all. You can never be too prepared right? Adoption has always been special to us having many family members that are adopted. Adoption fills me with a sense of hope when I think about it, it's just hard to walk away from the fertility treatment, if you know what I mean.
Thanks again, you ladies are awesome!
1. No. We went in very aware that the birthparents might not share all of their drug/alcohol history. We spent a lot of time deciding what we were open to
2. I don't worry about it. I do think about it, so I'm prepared. I subscribe to an adoption magazine that usually devotes part of each issue to age-specific questions or discussions about adoption and kids. We are also lucky in that we don't have major drama (as far as I know) to share. And if we did, we'd see a counselor at an appropriate time to help work through the discussions
3. N/A
1. We had a match that we ended up backing out of at birth because of undisclosed drug and alcohol usage. Hardest decision of my life. We were naive and hadn't done research. If we were in the position today, we might not back out. (So happy we did... since our "perfect for us" girls found us instead and the sweet baby born exposed is with the family she was meant to be with too.)
2. I think if you familiarize yourself w/modern adoption culture, this concern will go away. Will my girls have questions? Yup... Will it affect their adolescent years?? It might... but so might the car that we drive or the house we live in or the careers of mom and dad. My point... adoption may be a hurdle for them as they come into their own... or it might not. If not adoption, something else might cause insecurities. Being aware and parenting to them is my job
3. I am the younger sib to an adopted sister. It never affected me much... or her. We are family. It's that simple. It is rare that I ever think about the fact we don't share DNA. It's really that invisible in my life
Mandy's friend Dr. Stuart, the NICU ped, said she wouldn't mind discussing drug exposure with me, and answering my questions. If you are interested and want to come along, let me know! I'm sure it will be informative, and Mandy said she's super nice. But then again, everyone I meet through her is!
I am adopted and adopted my two sons.
1. I do not really know that much about this one. My youngest was definitely exposed to a lot of tobacco. This has led to (according to our doctor) to his issues with asthma and chronic ear infections (he has had 3 sets of tubes). Both are controlled and with proper medication, do not affect his life at all. I am also not sure about drug exposure. Personally, I believe that there was probably some but not enough that we have seen direct effects.
2. I do worry about their "deep" questions. They have always known that they were adopted and we speak about that aspect freely. I am more concerned about the aspects of why they needed to be adopted. Theirs is not a pretty story, but they were young enough that they do not remember anything from their biological family. I struggle with how much information is too much at what age. I believe that being as open as possible based on their developmental age is always the way to go. I never went through the "great" struggles that many attribute to adopted children in their teens year regarding identity and such. (I have a closed adoption with only very basic information- not even a health history). I have chosen up to this point to not "search" for my biological parents. I have never felt the need. Do not worry that because your child was adopted, that they are going to have identity issues that will be difficult to deal with.
3. I am the oldest in my family and my parents had two biological children (boys) after me. My parents never differentiated between us in any way. When anyone told me or my parents that I ?looked just like them?, they never said yes and she was adopted too! My adoptive status was my choice to reveal, if I so chose. There was never any reference in our home to adoption status and honestly, it was not mentioned. If I had questions, they were happy and able to provide what little answers they had (closed adoption). It was not a secret, but it was also no big deal. Adoption does not define my life; it was a great thing that happened to me once.
Others here may not agree with what I am about to say, but as an adopted child, this is my opinion. Personally, I do not necessarily agree with ?adoption or gottcha? birthdays IF the children were young when adopted and there are biological siblings. To an adopted child, it just states that ?I am different than the other children in this household.? Even the most well-meaning thought can just highlight the differences. I did have a friend who had parents who celebrated the gottcha day. It always made her feel uncomfortable, but she didn?t want to say anything because she thought that it would hurt her parent?s feelings. She also thinks that it caused some resentment between her siblings (who were the biological children of their parents) that she had two important days and they only had one.
Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.
MH and I are thinking about adopting - good questions! Love reading other's answers.
1. Yes I would worry about that. There are risks with adopting just as there are risks with having biological children. However, I don't think it would make me not adopt just because of the risk.
3. We do have biological children. I may be naive, but I reallly think that my biological children would love their new adopted brother/sister just as they love each other. But maybe I'm wrong and there would be issues when they are older. I do worry that my adopted child might think I love my bio kids more or treat them differently. I don't think I would actually treat them differently or love them differently, I just worry he/she may think that.
I overthink everything. So I can relate to a lot of what you are thinking. Good luck with your decision and with the adoption process if you do decide to adopt. I try to look at life like this - the easy decision is rarely the best choice. Adoption is not easy, but I think it would be worth it. Being a parent is tough (can't wait until the teenage years!), but I wouldn't trade it for the world.