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Postpartum Depression
JulesMcKinney
member
PPD or Grief from passing mother (long)
JulesMcKinney
member
Hi to everyone! This is my first post and a doozy. I lurked the Bump through all of my pregnancy and just never had the courage to write. I apologize up front for being so forward of a post for a first one, but I have a need to get this off my chest and get some outside input and thank you for your understanding.
Over the past couple of months I have been trying to figure out if I went through a bad spell of PPD or a major case of grief right after my daughter was born. Here is why. The day after I gave birth to my daughter my mother took her own life. She had battled with major depression for what feels like ever and I guess the depression won. She left all of us behind, my stepfather, my siblings, my grandmother and aunt. I spent the better part of the first four months of my daughters life so angry at everything and everyone. Except for my husband and Adaline. They were both my saving grace.
My poor husband though suffered in silence and I had no clue that he thought I was nuts. I did not have all of the textbook terms of PPD, but was very angry and unable to deal with most family, friends, or work (once I went back). I just felt beat up, sad, and did I mention angry. I never sought out professional help, maybe I should have. But I had this whole I am strong, I can get through this, and everyone else (remaining family) is counting on me. I also had a strong dislike for the psychological profession at that time. By the the end of four months it was like a switch was flipped and I felt like me again.
I know that I am leaving out some details, but I do not want to bore everyone with too much and they are not really necessary. My biggest question I am left facing is whether I had PPD or if I was just going through the stages of grief to the max with crazy hormones added in for fun. I am trying to figure this out, because it my very much effect whether I choose to get pregnant in the future. If it was that bad....I can not put my husband and now my daughter through that. And as crazy as it sounds if this is the case then I need to come to terms with it now rather than later.
I thank you all for reading and for any response I receive. I appreciate it more than you know. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: PPD or Grief from passing mother (long)
For starters I am very sorry about the loss of your mother. I don't have concrete advice for you other than if you and your H decide to have another maybe you will be more aware of the signs and how you felt before and able to get help for PPD maybe he can also help keep an eye on how things are going and let you know if he has any concerns. Even being proactive and seeking counseling during a pregnancy or taking meds if you feel you need them.
HTH a little. Good luck with your decision.
FYI - I was diagnosed with PPD/PP OCD and I know how much it can suck. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it...even though that can be hard to do, you are worth it.
After posting this, I feel better, but a little shy/guilty. I hope this post did not upset our offend anyone, for that was not my intention.
I do agree that at least next time H and I would
talk to my OB and watch for signs. I am just slightly embarrassed, like I think most of us feel. Not having a sense of control stinks.
Thank you again!