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Baby Showers
SingleMom31
member
Thank yous (vent/little long)
SingleMom31
member
in Baby Showers
I have a new one, and just needed to vent a little.
Our shower invites went out about 2 weeks ago, and we've started receiving presents from people that can't come or that just wanted to send them ahead of time. Knowing how crazy life has been (working 60 hrs/wk at work, moving, trying to get the nursery ready, etc.), I've been writing the thank you cards as soon as we open anything... I'd be mortified if I forgot anyone's, so better to do them right away IMO.
Anyway, my sister and mom bought our convertible car seat (very grateful), so I wrote out their thank yous. My SO saw them on the table and went ahead and mailed them for me. In the mean time, I emailed my sister to let her know that it arrived and to make sure it was from my mom too, and cited that I wanted to get the thank yous right. She told me that I didn't need to send her one, since she didn't want her husband to know that she bought me a present. [Background: He's middle eastern and still believes in a lot of Iranian customs, including that women should serve men and not have children out of wedlock. For example, I apparently "ruined his Christmas" because he was 2 hours late for Christmas dinner, and after repeatedly offering to get him something, I sat down. After cooking dinner, cleaning up, and putting all the left overs in my mom's fridge, I was pooped. About a minute later, he decides he wanted something and wasn't about to get it himself. So, I looked at my sister and suggested that she could get it for him. Apparently, I'm horrible.] Well, I didn't realize that it had already been mailed, so didn't mention it to her.
Today, I got an email - She's FURIOUS that I sent her a thank you card, thinks that I'm just being passive aggressive towards her husband, that she can't believe how rude I am, etc. I've decided that I can't win no matter what I do.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Thank yous (vent/little long)
I would email your sister back and let her know exactly what happened- that you were trying to be on top of TYs so you didn't lose track, and SO stuck hers in the mail before she emailed you not to send one.
It's hard to think of a scenario where you could go wrong by thanking someone, but unfortunately for your sister, this is it :-( It really sounds like she's in a bad situation with her marriage, and I'm sure that her anger is stemming from how he's treating her.
While the whole situation was an accident, and you didn't do anything wrong, I would apologize to her and try to keep your relationship positive with her. With a husband like that, I think she probably needs all the support she can get from other people in her life.
Thanks ladies.
I know that my sister is in a tough spot with her marriage and that her husband is, well, I can think of several words for him that wouldn't be polite to share. Personally, I wouldn't be willing to have a marriage like that and I hate seeing her with him (frankly, I don't see what he brings to the table), but to each their own. They just had their 25th wedding anniversary and, if it hasn't changed in the first 25 years, I doubt that it will at this point.
I did apologize though and explained what happened - I'm not sure what I can do beyond that.
Yeah that sounds tough. My husband's parents are from Taiwan. They believe it is a waste of money to send TY cards and really have parties in general. I don't know if it is a cultural thing, but H's entire family just doesn't believe that important life events deserve celebrating.
All that being said, I sent them thank you for all they have done. MIL refused to come to the baby shower [she thinks they are bad luck], but they've done so much for us. They believe it is their duty and that thanks are not needed. I got a strongly worded email from them chastising me for being wasteful etc.
I explained that how I was raised we thank everyone for their generosity and that it is not expected to get anything from anyone. Its a cultural difference.
It sounds like she spent money without talking to her husband first and in a culture that expects women to be subservient to the man of the house that can communicate shaming her husband. Thankfully my husband does not agree with that type of thinking.
His parents do though. In the family structure I have to go through my husband on important issues. It stinks sometimes but I find I get more accomplished with them if I stop fighting it.
I'm sorry that your SIL is dealing with that, but she knew the "rules" when she chose to marry into the culture. As did I. So it can be very frustrating but nonetheless, a package deal.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Total agree with this...especially the last sentence!
Since she is furious with you I would set her straight that you did not mail them out...your DH did not knowing you were intending to hold her's.
Yes. This.
Over-40 parents...what we lack in vigor, we make up for with cunning.
I would email her and apologize, but that's me. She probably blew up b/c of the accumulation of stress she lives with every day (and probably b/c her H just lit into her) rather than really thinking the awful things she said are true. My apology would be more for the purpose of showing her some sympathy knowing that such an innocent, innocuous thing could actually cause her problems, than really b/c I thought I did anything wrong.
But that's what I would do FWIW.
A second reason for this approach: I think you can extrapolate from this that your sister is unhappy in her marriage. If she were happy, she wouldn't be trying to hide things from her husband and she wouldn't be lashing out at you for doing something innocent. It's just another reason to be supportive, so she can maybe get the nerve up to take some action.
This, 100 %.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12