Help me get past the resentment

txgsd81 · October 2012

If I get flamed for this I understand, but I honestly need some advice about my feelings toward SS (16) and BM. I apologize in advance for this being so long...

The backstory: DH and BM got pregnant accidentally early on in high school. She chose to keep the baby, against both his and their families wishes. They never married, and she left to raise SS on her own shortly after he was born. DH has been paying CS since the day he turned 18, but gave up all parental rights (no custody, visitations, etc.) at her request. This was an agreeable arrangement to them both until SS was around 12.

BM got married (divorced shortly after) and had a second child, which prompted SS to start asking about his father. BM contacted DH and he agreed to start spending time with SS periodically (no changes were made to visitation or anything). The visits were few, but they were there. BM also started enlisting DH to come over her house and discipline SS when he did something wrong... This is where things started to go downhill because DH was no longer just "fun" to SS, so SS started seeing him less. They never forced SS to see DH when he didn't want to.

About a year ago DH and I moved across the country. BM and SS were consulted prior to our move, and BM gave us her full blessing. And that's where the problems started... Right before we moved she started asking DH to help out with purchases for SS: new computer, printer, cell phone, Xbox, and a bedroom set. He obliged because, well, I think he felt guilty. We also paid to fly SS out to visit us twice so far. After his first trip BM started in on the topic of wanting more money. She said that we had a nice house and cars, while she rents an apartment for her and two kids. DH explained that he actually took a pay cut, as we moved to an area with a MUCH lower cost of living than where we came from.

The topic of college has come up now, and she told DH that SS wants to go to a 60K per year private school. DH said there was no flipping way he could afford that (our state requires both parents to contribute to college costs in addition to CS until the state deems the child emancipated). So BM pulled out the "I deserve more money card" again, and now DH hasn't heard from SS in months, despite his attempts.

On the home front, DH and I have been TTC and are facing some infertility issues. DH is now terrified of going bankrupt trying to pay for college and CS increases, so spending on any kind of fertility treatment is out... and so might be having our own kid at all since DH is so nervous about money. With all of this, I just can't get past my resentment towards BM & SS. I cringe at the thought of them no matter how much I rationalize my thoughts. It wasn't SS's fault for being born! So I know my main issue lies with BM.

I just feel like my whole future is being controlled by her and I hate her for it. I try to be positive, but it's hard. I waited to have kids I'm almost 31 and was careful when I was younger, but now I'm being punished for another woman's bad choices. I was never a big fan of BM, but since TTC'ing I know it's gotten worse. I blame her for making DH fear for his financial future, for potentially taking our money for IVF, and for possibly being the reason that I might not ever be able to have a child. Logically I know these things aren't her fault per se, but I can't get past it.

I guess I just need some tips on how to cope and get over these feelings. Or are they normal? I feel terrible for feeling this way...

ETA: Formatting (originally posted from phone)

blush64 · October 2012

BM can ask for anything she wants. If your husband is already paying everything he is required to pay you don't have anything to worry about.

It's sad that he chose not to have anything to do with his child until he was 12. The relationship would probably be in a much different state had that not happened. After having no relationship with his son for so long and then reuniting he chose to move far away. It's really too bad.

I think maybe seeing a therapist might help. To hate her seems a bit extreme. You waited to have children and now you feel punished for another woman's bad choices. First, she was a girl and second your husband was there too. Just because he wanted nothing to do with his son doesn't make him any less responsible for what happened. In fact, in my opinion it's awful that he wanted nothing to do with his son for so long.

You waited until your 30s to have a family, you are having trouble getting pregnant. That is hard to deal with and it's tough for anyone. Facing the expense of treatment would be stressful for anyone and that's understandable but you do need to stop blaming BM. She didn't make it difficult for you to conceive. She didn't make that child on her own. Your husband will only have to pay what is deemed proper. He doesn't have to pay all the extras.

Therapy is something that helped me in different way for different things. It's something to consider.

EDIT I think it's normal to feel resentful and angry and it's easier to feel that way toward BM than your husband but there might be some toward him too.

Kaeldrasmommy · October 2012

blush64:

BM can ask for anything she wants. If your husband is already paying everything he is required to pay you don't have anything to worry about.

It's sad that he chose not to have anything to do with his child until he was 12. The relationship would probably be in a much different state had that not happened. After having no relationship with his son for so long and then reuniting he chose to move far away. It's really too bad.

I think maybe seeing a therapist might help. To hate her seems a bit extreme. You waited to have children and now you feel punished for another woman's bad choices. First, she was a girl and second your husband was there too. Just because he wanted nothing to do with his son doesn't make him any less responsible for what happened. In fact, in my opinion it's awful that he wanted nothing to do with his son for so long.

You waited until your 30s to have a family, you are having trouble getting pregnant. That is hard to deal with and it's tough for anyone. Facing the expense of treatment would be stressful for anyone and that's understandable but you do need to stop blaming BM. She didn't make it difficult for you to conceive. She didn't make that child on her own. Your husband will only have to pay what is deemed proper. He doesn't have to pay all the extras.

Therapy is something that helped me in different way for different things. It's something to consider.

EDIT I think it's normal to feel resentful and angry and it's easier to feel that way toward BM than your husband but there might be some toward him too.

I largely agree with this, but I would be willing to give more leeway than usual for your DH. Most of the women who come here with similar situations we tell to reconsider having kids with their DH's because of their relationships or lack thereof with other kids. But your DH was a lot younger than most, and this one was truly an oops. I will second the recomendation for a therapist though.

txgsd81 · October 2012

blush64:
I think maybe seeing a therapist might help. To hate her seems a bit extreme. You waited to have children and now you feel punished for another woman's bad choices. First, she was a girl and second your husband was there too. Just because he wanted nothing to do with his son doesn't make him any less responsible for what happened. In fact, in my opinion it's awful that he wanted nothing to do with his son for so long.

I won't get into details regarding this, but it was a complicated situation. She left with the baby, and then she and her family requested that he have no contact with the baby. They forced his hand in court, in ways that I won't get into because I don't feel as though its something he'd want made public, and he shipped off to the army soon after. Since then he just respected her wishes, and didn't push the issue. Had it been a different situation, I'm sure he would've fought back, but he was also just a kid.

And yes, I do have resentment towards him at times. I've found myself thinking, "Why couldn't he have just kept it in his pants!" ...but we've all been teenagers, so come on. lol

Thanks so much for your input. I've been going back and forth with the therapist idea just to help deal with anxiety over day to day issues, so I think I definitely will be giving that a shot now!

txgsd81 · October 2012

Kaeldrasmommy:
I largely agree with this, but I would be willing to give more leeway than usual for your DH. Most of the women who come here with similar situations we tell to reconsider having kids with their DH's because of their relationships or lack thereof with other kids. But your DH was a lot younger than most, and this one was truly an oops. I will second the recomendation for a therapist though.

I agree with you. It was something he was very up front with me about when we started dating. He laid his cards on the table, and left it up to me to come to terms with how I felt about the situation. His experience, in my opinion, was unfortunate and largely out of his control. Had it been different I wouldn't have stuck around long enough to even be calling him my DH.

Littlejen22 · October 2012

Kaeldrasmommy:
blush64:

BM can ask for anything she wants. If your husband is already paying everything he is required to pay you don't have anything to worry about.

It's sad that he chose not to have anything to do with his child until he was 12. The relationship would probably be in a much different state had that not happened. After having no relationship with his son for so long and then reuniting he chose to move far away. It's really too bad.

I think maybe seeing a therapist might help. To hate her seems a bit extreme. You waited to have children and now you feel punished for another woman's bad choices. First, she was a girl and second your husband was there too. Just because he wanted nothing to do with his son doesn't make him any less responsible for what happened. In fact, in my opinion it's awful that he wanted nothing to do with his son for so long.

You waited until your 30s to have a family, you are having trouble getting pregnant. That is hard to deal with and it's tough for anyone. Facing the expense of treatment would be stressful for anyone and that's understandable but you do need to stop blaming BM. She didn't make it difficult for you to conceive. She didn't make that child on her own. Your husband will only have to pay what is deemed proper. He doesn't have to pay all the extras.

Therapy is something that helped me in different way for different things. It's something to consider.

EDIT I think it's normal to feel resentful and angry and it's easier to feel that way toward BM than your husband but there might be some toward him too. 
I largely agree with this, but I would be willing to give more leeway than usual for your DH. Most of the women who come here with similar situations we tell to reconsider having kids with their DH's because of their relationships or lack thereof with other kids. But your DH was a lot younger than most, and this one was truly an oops. I will second the recomendation for a therapist though.

Ditto this. I would normally say to turn and run but I am assuming your DH was 14 or 15 so I feel for him although I feel for your SS more. Very ackward that SS is likely now older than DH was.

txgsd81 · October 2012

Littlejen22:
Ditto this. I would normally say to turn and run but I am assuming your DH was 14 or 15 so I feel for him although I feel for your SS more. Very ackward that SS is likely now older than DH was.

It was definitely a challenge as he starting approaching the ages of his parents when they had him. He seems to have used that as a reason to not fool around with girls like all of his friends are right now, so that's a good thing. Unfortunately, the age of his mom has been an issue for him in school after some other kids found out. You know how kids will use anything as fodder. Ironically, some of those kids now have kids....

twister22 · October 2012

I think therapy would really help you to redirect your anger/resentment and to feel better about the situation.

I also agree with the PPs' in most everything they are saying; your DH doesn't have to give "gifts," to BM, just have him pay his CS and anything else he is obligated by the CO to pay. Also, it is said that he had no relationship with his son the first 12 years of his life, but as you said he was young and there is much more to the story.

Nineoceans · October 2012

I'm sorry, what a messy and complicated situation. I don't have any advice other than dont put your life on hold for Bm. Spend money on fertility treatments if that is what you want and deal with requests as they come through a court order. Good luck!

Bigmama00 · October 2012

Im confused, if he gave up his parental rights why is he paying child support?

Phantomgirl · October 2012

If your DH really wanted to have a baby with you then he would.

I would be furious if my DH told me we could not have kids in case something happened in the future. That sounds like a cop out to me. Everyone on this board has CS to worry about.

Maybe he gave up parental rights because he doubted he would be a good father and maybe he still carries that today.

Have you told him how upset you are and how truly important this is to you? Did you talk about kids before you got married? What was the plan? If he changed his mind on you then he is a SOB?

No offense but if he was able to walk away from a child, then move away from a child he will be able forgo a child with you also. Maybe he just does not want kids - period.

What is he like with money in general? Is he tight pocketed? He does not want to contribute to college for his first child and he does not want to pay towards fertility treatment for his second. Is there a pattern emerging?

Also, how long have you been trying to get pregnant? You say you 'might' need treatment - did a doctor refer you or are you freaking out because it is taking longer than you expected?

I think counselling is a good idea, there are lots of issues for you and you both as a couple to work through.

lily_721 · October 2012

TheJerseyCowgirl:

I won't get into details regarding this, but it was a complicated situation. She left with the baby, and then she and her family requested that he have no contact with the baby. They forced his hand in court, in ways that I won't get into because I don't feel as though its something he'd want made public, and he shipped off to the army soon after. Since then he just respected her wishes, and didn't push the issue. Had it been a different situation, I'm sure he would've fought back, but he was also just a kid.

And yes, I do have resentment towards him at times. I've found myself thinking, "Why couldn't he have just kept it in his pants!" ...but we've all been teenagers, so come on. lol

Thanks so much for your input. I've been going back and forth with the therapist idea just to help deal with anxiety over day to day issues, so I think I definitely will be giving that a shot now!

I get this. DH and BM has SS1 and SS2 when they were very young (early 20s). While they were busy having babies, I was going to school and making decisions about my life. Fast forward, I now have SS1 and SS2 while BM does nothing. Sometimes I am very resentful of her. I feel like I am always cleaning up after her. She promises the boys all kinds of things that never happen. I am the one to deal with their frustration and sadness.

Therapy helps. Its helps me to know its OK not to do everything, be everything to everyone.

As for TTC, your situation isn't going to improve. We are TTC with IF. We are looking at two college tuitions and daycare at the same time. Life can't go on hold forever. DH knew how important it was for me to have my own LO. Although he is fully involved and on board, he would not have had this desire if it wasn't for me.

GL and get a lawyer.

SueBear · October 2012

So I know my main issue lies with BM.

I just feel like my whole future is being controlled by her.

Your main issue should be with your husband. Nobody can controll him without his permission. Well - - possibly the courts, but it hasn't gotten to that. No court would make a father who was already paying child support spring for an Xbox and bedroom set.

Ditto the family planning. BM isn't doing ANYTHING to prevent you and your H to undergo fertility treatment or plan for children of your own. Your H is the one refusing to do these things.

Counseling may help, but the downside is that you may open your eyes and see things about your H that you are not yet ready to see. It's a LOT easier to blame his ex (and SS) than to realize you chose a man who is selfish, and very likely a crappy parent as well.

Having children would be a dealbreaker for me. Of course, not everyone can get pregnant, but I would not be with someone who told me they didn't want to undergo fertility treatments "because I MAY have to pay for college for another child." If you're in your early 30's, it's not too late to start again with another partner who is more open to having a family like you want.

txgsd81 · October 2012

Thanks y'all.

To clear up some questions:

We did talk about kids before we got married and we've both always been on the same page. We bought our new house specifically to grow into with a family. We were waiting until we were financially ready, and after we were settled in after our move. I was actually the one delaying TTC the most.

The only reason he is concerned is because he is scared of not having enough money to support the new baby. Financially, we are secure, we both work full time, have savings, etc, but IVF, tuition, CS, and new baby expenses are overwhelming to anyone.

We have not stopped TTC, but every time BM sends him a scathing email asking for money and/or threatening him it just causes him to worry. He wants to start a family as much as I do. And I want my family to be with him, and not "someone to start over with." As I stated in my previous responses, there were circumstances that led to him and BM parting ways. It wasn't him being a crappy father. They were kids and her family forced his hand.

And yes, unfortunately IF has been diagnosed and its not just a matter of it taking too long I wish it was!. I have PCOS, hyperprolactinemia, and hypothyroidism. So, lucky me right?

Thanks so much for your responses! I know none of this is anyone's fault, but it's just hard to not be resentful towards the whole situation when most of it is out of my control.

blush64 · October 2012

Bigmama00:
Im confused, if he gave up his parental rights why is he paying child support?

I don't know about this situation but where I live a parent can not give up the requirement to pay for the child. You can decide you don't want to help raise the child but you just can't decide you won't be paying for him or her. Even when the other parent is ok with it and has agreed.

txgsd81 · October 2012

blush64:
Bigmama00:
Im confused, if he gave up his parental rights why is he paying child support?

I don't know about this situation but where I live a parent can not give up the requirement to pay for the child. You can decide you don't want to help raise the child but you just can't decide you won't be paying for him or her. Even when the other parent is ok with it and has agreed.

 

This exactly. The NCP can give up all custody, visitation, etc, but they are still required to pay CS, health insurance, and college tuition until the child is deemed emancipated by the court.

Birdy2011 · October 2012

TheJerseyCowgirl:
blush64:
Bigmama00:
Im confused, if he gave up his parental rights why is he paying child support?

I don't know about this situation but where I live a parent can not give up the requirement to pay for the child. You can decide you don't want to help raise the child but you just can't decide you won't be paying for him or her. Even when the other parent is ok with it and has agreed.

This exactly. The NCP can give up all custody, visitation, etc, but they are still required to pay CS, health insurance, and college tuition until the child is deemed emancipated by the court.

The bold is very interesting to me. I understand the NCP being ordered to pay CS and health insurance, but college tuition? There are some intact families who do not/can not help their children pay for college. How and why can the court enforce that the NCP is required to pay college tuition? Is there an additional hearing for the court to deem that the child is emancipated if that does not occur when the child turns 18? It seems like there are a lot of holes in this, and I would lawyer up if I was in this situation. Best of luck to you, OP.

DarthNBJenni · October 2012

I'd be introducing SS to FASFA and student loans. I think it's BS that the courts expect divorced parents to fork over tuition money, when my very own married parents didn't.

DaringMiss · October 2012

Ditto everything that Sue Bear said.

This is not a BM problem, this is a DH problem. He is allowing himself to be manipulated in this situation and he needs to stop. You guys should make limit on how much money you are going to give the child above and beyond CS if your husband is paying CS. And then stick to that budget for Christmas presents, birthday presents, back to school items, plane tickets, etc.

If he is worried about college, he needs to figure out what you guys can contribute to the child's tuition. The kid can pick any college he wants to go to, but if his parents can't afford it, they can't afford it - no matter what the marital status. The kid needs to understand that he has to work his butt off for scholarships, make stellar grades and shine on his SATs if he wants this private university. That is a reality for every kid.

Your husband needs to get really clear on the **equality** of his goals. Yes, assisting his child through college is a worthy goal. Working on building a family with you is also a worthy goal. Neither one gets to trump the other.

You guys should sit down and look at your budget in its entirety. How much can you guys realistically put toward the child's tuition? Call a local community college and have them run a FAFSA for you based on your income or google FAFSA calculators. How much would the government (in calculating parental contribution) expect you to put towards the boy's education based on your income? $3000 a year? $5000 a year? Whatever the amount, start planning now on making that happen. Open a 529 account and get some tax benefits from this planning. Then let the boy know exactly what you are able to contribute to his education. That way, the boy can plan his future based on this firm commitment from you guys and you can also work towards your family goals.

txgsd81 · October 2012

Welcome to the NJ, where the state always knows best. CS, medical ins, and tuition can all be paid by the NCP at the same time for the duration of the child's schooling. A separate hearing is held, and contributions towards college are determined on a casebycase basis.

Regarding emancipation, that is another hearing. The parents have to PROVE that the child is able to support himself before CS will be terminated. If the child is in college or grad school, you could potentially pay CS/tuition/ins until 26 years of age.

It irks me to no end because I came from an intact family and worked my butt off to pay for school. NJ classifies children from nonintact families as "underprivileged" and forces both the CP and NCP to contribute to tuition, albeit not necessarily in equal amounts. There are a TON of different factors that come into play to determine the amount, but ultimately, it's ridiculous.

We already have a lawyer because its so complicated. BM has the advantage of working in a law office, so we've lawyered up as well.

dmndsr4eva · October 2012

Your situation is no differnt than most everyone else's on this board. My last relationship and current one both dealt with child support and paying for educational expenses. Additionally my FI had a vasectomy so if I want to even try to have another child it will cost at least $7K for a reversal that might not even work. I know how you feel and you are not alone. I have been in your shoes and also I am now a BM who recieves CS. Being a single BM is no picnic either. I work nearly full time and hardly get to spend any time with my 2.5 year old because I am working and he is with his Dad a lot too.

Life sucks sometimes but you just have to learn to deal with it and enjoy the simple things. I was resentful like you of my ex's obligations and after we broke up I realized too late that I would have gladly taken on all of those problems to be with the man I loved. I would have gladly helped his kids through college if I knew it meant sharing my life with the man I loved and my son's father. Unfortunately this obligations just come with marrying a man with kids.

That being said my take on college is that once the child turns 18 it is their responsibility to pay for their education. They should get good grades so they can get scholarships, they can work, they can get loans. It is absolutely not your responsibity to pay for a 60K a year school. I really think if push came to shove there is no way for them to enforce your H to pay for an ADULT to go to college and pay child support. I have seen CO's state a parent will pay CS past 18 but that is only if the parents are well off as far as I'm concerned. Maybe in your state that can require some support but will be in proportion to your H's income so it will be what they think he can afford. But even without the courts I think your H should offer to help a little bit for his son's college expenses. He should be helping his son not contining to pay the BM after 18 I would have thought.

Bigmama00 · October 2012

TheJerseyCowgirl:
blush64:

Bigmama00:
Im confused, if he gave up his parental rights why is he paying child support?

I don't know about this situation but where I live a parent can not give up the requirement to pay for the child. You can decide you don't want to help raise the child but you just can't decide you won't be paying for him or her. Even when the other parent is ok with it and has agreed.

This exactly. The NCP can give up all custody, visitation, etc, but they are still required to pay CS, health insurance, and college tuition until the child is deemed emancipated by the court.

That must be a case by case bases because I know someone who no longer pays CS after signing over parental rights. It was one of the "agreements" in the decree. It might also be because the child was then adopted by her step mother and the dad just wanted her gone so he agreed to never fight for any past, present, or future child support.

Want a personalized experience?

Help me get past the resentment

Re: Help me get past the resentment

Choose Another Board

Search Boards