2nd Trimester
Anyone scared to leave your other child?
Hi
I'm worried about leaving our 3yo. She's never been without us for more than a few hours.
How are you handling it?
What can I do to prepare? Yikes.
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Re: Anyone scared to leave your other child?
I assume you are meaning to go to the hospital. Yes, I am definitely nervous about leaving her. However, my sister will be watching her in our own home (to make LO more comfortable) and I trust my sister's judgement.
I am more nervous about my own sense of self feeling completely "off" b/c of not being with LO. I am a sahm, so I'm with her all the time. When I'm not with her, I can sometimes feel anxious. I know LO will be in great hands so I'm trying to focus on preparing mentally for being without her for a few days. My hospital keeps you for 3 full days from the time of birth, so after LO2 is born, I will send DH home to be with LO1.
Short answer....no.
DS will be with either my parents, my bro and his family, my MIL, or his sitter if it's during the week......basically who ever wants to take him. Unless I have a c-section, I don't plan to have DH stay at nights in the hospital once I have the baby (I sent him home last time too- very uncomfortable sleeping arrangments for the SO's at the hospital I deliver at), so he'll take care of him at night.
I'm a WM, so DS goes between my mom's house and his sitter's during the week and it won't be anything new for him to be away from me. I will definately miss him, but we'll make it
To speak towards the direction this post has gone- I realize not everyone is lucky enough to have close family near by. If I didn't, I'm sure it would be much more difficult for me to leave DS with someone. OP, everyone has their own level of comfort with leaving their child and it's understandable to feel uneasy about not being around your child for a few days when you are with them almost all the time. What is your plan for who will watch your LO? Family/friends?
I don't think there's anything wrong with not leaving your child often if it's by choice (meaning, if you're at your breaking point but can't get yourself to trust someone else with your LO, that might be a different issue).
Everyone should back off the OP a little. Not everyone has the luxury of having family close by to watch their kids. Both DH and I live across the country from our families and have no one to take care of DD. My husband travels Monday through Thursday every week for week (and I pretty much function like a single mom), I work every weekend so she doesn't go to daycare. So our daughter hasn't had any overnights with other people and we have never left her for more than a few hours at a time - it doesn't mean it's unhealthy, that DD is sheltered, or that she's going to grow up a social misfit. She's well socialized - she goes to preschool two mornings a week, we go to story time, she takes gymnastics.
Some of the comments being made are out of line - you don't always know someone else's circumstances and it's unfair to make assumptions that just because her child isn't having sleepovers, the OP is somehow sheltering her, is stunting her social development, or it isn't healthy for OP or her DH. Everyone has different living situations.
I'm not nervous for their care. Someone in our family will watch them and DH and I have been away for mini-trips or weekends before. I missed them but I was also having a great time : )
I do remember struggling being in the hospital though when delivering DS2. I missed my oldest like crazy and cried a lot because I missed him. I think it had more to do with hormones and just all the new emotions, guilt, etc.. of the new baby. I was missing the baby I knew so well while trying to bond with the one I didn't know at all.
This time I plan to take pictures of my boys with me and probably call them each day. I hope it will be easier since I know we will all be fine, lol. We don't bring them to the hosptial because I'm only there two days and I don't want them running around while I'm trying to recover and I consider it special time for the new baby.
I do suggest planning an overnight with whomever you want to watch your child during your hospital stay, ahead of time. Just so you know what to expect and so does your child. Try to make it as fun as possible for them.
Natural M/c 12/13/08 at 8w5d
Yes, I'm nervous about it. He'll only be barely two, and in what I thought was obvious, hasn't stayed away from home at night ever or with anyone else at night ever. Up until a few months ago, he was still breastfed before bed and bedshared! I don't intend for him to have "sleepovers" with family members, minus the exception of my being in labor/emergencies, until he's school aged. Bedtime is sacred around here and only works out well with a nightly routine. He does go to daycare all day long and gets plenty of social interaction with others. I don't feel that social interaction with others needs to occur at night at bedtime! I'm a little shocked by the mean responses! I'm thinking that if I end up with a repeat csection and have a long hospital stay (fingers crossed for a vbac though!!), that DH will just go home after daycare hours and stay with him. If it's a short stay, a family member will take him. Both sets of grandparents and my sister live close by and will be available.
The first time we were apart from DS for more than a workday length (8 hours) was about a month ago. MIL kept him the night before our 20 week ultrasound since it was at 7:30am - that way she didn't have to get up to watch him.
I really missed having him at home with us that night but kept busy and it made it easier. I think you'll be so busy with #2 that you won't be anxious over being apart from #1.
Yup, she's three, and omg, do I need some mommy time. My situation may be unique.
I went back to work when she was a year old and she stayed with my husband for 8 months. He ran his own business and could do it from home on the days I worked(only PT for me). Then he got so busy that he couldn't do it anymore. We put her in a dayhome for 2-3 days/week. 5 weeks later, she had a bald spot. She was pulling out her hair. The pediatrician said that she had severe separation anxiety. So we pulled her out of the dayhome and tried a nanny in our house. Still pulled. Then we asked my MIL. Still pulled. I quit my PT job and been home ever since.
If we leave her with my inlaws for short periods of time, when we return she's stressed. It's hard to see her that way, and I haven't figured how to reconcile my feelings about it vs. the need for me to get away. So now, I have to leave and I am so not ready to put her through it. I pray that she'll be ok. I just don't want to end up in the place where we were last year.
Thanks for all of your posts. It's healthy to see both sides. You've all just helped me to realize that I should go and chat with a psychologist about my fears. I've been in the past (when I found my biological father which was super heavy for me) and it's really helped.
Sorry mama, that sounds rough. Is there anything you can do to help her with her separation anxiety? Play therapy or something?
To answer your original question, I am nervous about leaving my DD. She goes to daycare 10 hours a day, so I have no problem leaving her during the daytime, but nighttime is a whole different ballgame. We have a whole bedtime routine and she still doesn't sleep that great, so I'm nervous about how she'll go to bed for my parents (and whether she'll STTN for them). I've only spent one night away from her before and she stayed with DH and did fine, so hopefully she'll do okay with my parents, but you never know.
Although, to be honest, I've already started talking about what's going to happen when the baby comes. At this point, she's already looking forward to a sleepover with grandma and grandpa, but I don't know if she'll still be this excited when it becomes reality.
I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe some professional advice would be helpful, as you mentioned. I reread the responses and while I think a few people jumped to conclusions, many were just asking for clarity since the original post didn't contain a lot of info. That sounds really stressful and I hope you get it sorted out. Good luck!
OP, I'm worried too. We have a nanny who watches DD 4 mornings / week, but she's not available in the afternoons (has another job), and I don't know if I'll feel comfortable just calling her up and asking her to come over in the middle of the night if necessary. We'll see as we get closer to our EDD. Otherwise, my family lives across an ocean and DH's family is an hour away and... how do I say this nicely... I don't think they would feel comfortable watching her since they have never once offered to babysit and MIL specifically told me once that a friend of hers watched her grandson one day a week but MIL couldn't imagine doing that for her grandchildren. If we're really in a bind they'd probably do it, but neither they nor DD would feel comfortable with the situation.
It sounds like you're comfortable with therapy (a good thing!), so I agree with the others that you should look into therapy for your daughter to see if you can get some professional help on how to help her overcome her separation anxiety.
BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence
As a music teacher, I see the entire school. Do we have students who are nervous the first few days/weeks/months? Want Mommy (especially after lunch when it would normally be nap time for them)? Even get sad and want their mom in 1st grade, 2nd grade, etc? Sure. Some have some pretty severe separation anxiety, but I've never heard of a student in our school having been delayed based on separation anxiety. My SIL is a preschool teacher and sees lots of kids with separation anxiety issues. They work through it. Even without reading what OP mentioned later on about her DD and the severity of her anxiety, I wouldn't have said that she was doing anything wrong by not leaving her child with people regardless of her reasoning. Everyone has a different comfort level.
OP- you've got to do what works for you. Your DD is 3. If she were 10 and you'd never left her, I'd be a little concerned for you/her, but she's not. I would definately talk to someone about some strategies- especially since you mentioned your desire for some time away (understandably so!). As for the hospital stay, you may find that, depending on how the birth goes, you might be able to have your DD in the room a lot during recovery. My recovery with DS was very easy. I wouldn't choose to have him there a lot because I'd rather have some toddler-free time
but if my next birth experience is similar (hopefully!) I'm sure I'd be able to manage if he had to be there for some reason.
This comes across as though you're assuming she is purposefully sheltering her child and preventing her from socializing; and unless you know the specifics of her situation, you have no clue what people may be saying "behind her back." This comes across as unnecessarily harsh towards OP, and not helpful at all (it could make her more anxious now that people think she's a bad mother behind her back). Clearly, she is concerned about her DD's welfare, otherwise she wouldn't have posted. And I'm not sure what kind of family and friends you have/know, but you might want to get some new ones if they just talk behind people's backs instead of trying to help someone with a stressful problem who needs support, not someone to tear them down when they're not looking.
I'm a licensed clinical social worker. I've run clinical departments in special education schools, I've worked in child protective services, I've done child and family therapy. Sending your kids to daycare, preschool, organized, sports, overnights with other people, etc. absolutely does NOT guarantee that they will be well socialized - there's a lot of factors that go into it. Actually, some kids do worse socially in those environments. It depends on the kid and the environment.
With the OP's additional information and knowing that her DD has possible separation anxiety, I would highly encourage her to seek professional assistance. Trichotillomania (hair pulling) is relatively common and there are lots of causes, anxiety only being one of them. I would look into seeing someone who specializes in child and family therapy - a licensed social worker, mental health counselor, psychologist, etc. The key is finding someone who is licensed and specializes in children and families (some people say they do, but really are just jacks of all trades, masters of none). You can find one in network through your insurance by calling your customer service line, or some insurance companies have online search engines based on your zip code. Here is a resource on toddler trichotillomania (it even has a resource center where you can find therapists who specialize in it) :
https://www.trich.org/treatment/article-toddler-golomb.html
While it's definitely concerning when your child is puling her hair out, it's one of those conditions that can be treated with a high rate of success (assuming you get a good therapist/counselor
As for us, I am a little concerned about my DD - not because she couldn't handle going someplace for a while, but that we lack the resources for someone to watch her. Really, I'm just hoping my DH won't be traveling when I go into labor!I have a friend who can take her when I go into labor and DH will come with me to the hospital, but most likely, DH will come home at night to be with her. With DD, I delivered at 11am and was home by 7pm the same day (yay for the birthing center). Unfortunately this time, I have to deliver at a hospital, but am planning on leaving as soon as I am legally able (barring complications of course!) - I think I have to stay 24 hours, minimum.
And I think these are really important points - separation anxiety of differing levels is normal and is NOT associated with cognitive/developmental delays.
Hi there, lurking from SAHM. I wasn't too anxious to leave DD1 when I had DD2, but my mom did come from OOT to stay with her while DH and I were at the hospital. I also had a dear friend around to help out. Being so ready to have DD2 made it a bit easier. Don't worry, but you might want to get her used to a sitter or family member ahead of time. My kids absolutely love having a sitter, it's like play time to them. I'm hoping we'll have family visit this time too.
I had to have emergency surgery when DD2 was six weeks old. Now that was a scary time to leave my kids. You have plenty of time to get ready, everything will be ok.
C 7.16.2008 | L 11.12.2010 | A 3.18.2013
I am not worried about it. DD occasionally spends the night with my ILs (we are lucky in that they live very close and are always more than happy to watch her), and my mom will be coming down for the birth (planned CS) to stay at our house and take care of DD while I'm in the hospital. DD is comfortable with both sets of grandparents, and they are all aware of how to do her bedtime routine. Sure it might throw her off a little having mommy and daddy gone for a few days, but I know she'll be fine, and we plan to have her come up to the hospital every day if even for just a few minutes.
HOWEVER, with the OP's situation, yes, I would be worried. Your daughter has some pretty significant separation anxiety. I would start working on an plan NOW, so that by the time you give birth, hopefully everyone is in a better place to deal with it.
ETA: have you spoken with your pedi about this? They may be able to offer some suggestions, or refer you to a child psychologist who I'm sure could help you out.
Thanks so much ladies! I have found all of the posts to be very helpful.
Our pediatrician is keeping an eye on her for now. We are doing a number of things to work on the separation issues. I leave her twice a week- once with childcare at church for 2 hours, and once at the gym while I do prenatal yoga for an hour. She enjoys both of these. I'm also a member of a babysitting co-op and leave her with another mom with kids her age in my community at least 3 times a month. She can handle that. We have the most difficulty when I leave for more than 3 or 4 hours. Which is why I can't imagine an overnight stay.
I wish that I could limit my hospital stay, but I'm a c-section mom due to a uterine tear from my last pregnancy. I was there 4 days last time. Wonder if it could be less this time...
I am so encouraged by the information and words you have shared. In the last 24 hours I am already feeling more prepared. You are all the best!
I will follow your recommendations as well. Thanks so much!