72 hours in...1st time mom & feeling like a failure
starrdiva211
member
On Tuesday, September 25, 2012 at 1110am, I gave birth to a 2lbs, 5 oz baby boy named Ethan. I was 29weeks, 6 days and he was delivered via emergency c-section. That morning my blood pressure was really really elevated and not even the medicine was able to get it down. He was taken to the children's hospital and placed in the NICU there. Yesterday he had surgery to fix his trache(sp) and esophogus(sp) and he did really really well. Hopefully, I will get clearance to go see him today (my BP is still an issue) or even able to go home.
The person who is not doing well 72 hours later is ME. I have been up since 430am and my brain cant shut off. I dont know if it is part of the pain from the c-section, the fact I am still taking all of this medicine for my BP and I am just really tired. I am also starting ti feel guilty about my role in his birth. What else could I have done to keep him in longer? Am I really going to be a good mother? Is his father going to be upset with me b/c it looks like the increase in BP medicine will prevent me from trying to pump properly, not to mention, I just do not have the strength right now to do so?
I am petrified that I am going to fail him going forward like I failed him trying to carry him to term...
Re: 72 hours in...1st time mom & feeling like a failure
First, congrats on your son's birth! It sounds like he is a fighter!
I want to tell you that your feelings are completely normal. I'd venture to say that every single one of us has experienced that overwhelming guilt that comes with being a preemie mom. But here is what you need to know--this is NOT your fault. You did not cause this and prematurity will NOT make you a bad mom. Repeat this to yourself over and over again.
Being a preemie mom is so different than being a term mom and only those of us in this special club can understand. But you will not be a bad mom. Honestly, the fact that you are already worrying about this tells me you are a good mom. You did everything right--you took the meds you were supposed to, you went to the doctor and hospital when things seemed off, you ensured that your son would be born and taken to the best hospital possible. These are huge life-giving gifts that you, his mom, gave him. It sounds like you are ready to start trying to pump for him and that is a huge gift too if it works out. If it doesn't, preemies can thrive on formula too.
Please come back and post here often. No one will judge you for your feelings and we will give you lots of support. Also, check out the Preemie Resource blog in my siggy, its made by women on this board and has lots of good resources. The "NICU" tab may have some great stuff for you. Also find the "What can I do for a friend" FAQ link and send that to your family so they know how to help you.
You are not a bad mom. This is not your fault.
Our precious girl, born at 27 weeks.
My daughter was born at 29 weeks, so I know exactly how you feel. The feeling of guilt, especially as a first time mom, is very hard, but please know that what happened was not your fault and that coping will come with time. You are going to be a great mother. The NICU experience causes a lot of stress, but it does make very strong parents!
As far as pumping is concerned, don't worry. You will have access to a lactation consultant during your son's stay who can help you with your concerns. I had lingering BP issues for a few days after my daughter was born, and was on magnesium sulfate until it resolved. Even if the medication you're on makes it difficult for you to pump, you can still start the process (after you have had plenty of rest--I didn't get to start pumping until a day or two after DD was born) and give your body the right cues so that once you are weaned off the medication you can continue to pump and BF if that's what you choose!
You are not a failure. Preemie moms are some of the best and strongest moms there are. It's not easy, but I know you can do it. We are all here for you! If you have any questions, please ask us! The ladies here are amazing.
Congrats on the birth of your baby boy! I delivered my DD last year at 29w1d due to severe pre-e and HELLP. She weighed 2lbs 9oz. Everything you wrote described my feelings exactly. I felt like a horrible mother for not being able to carry her to term and putting her through a NICU experience. If I knew now today back then, I would never have felt those things. DD is now almost 16 months old and a happy, healthy, chubby little toddler walking everywhere and smiling and laughing all day. I pumped and pumped and nothing ever came. Guess what? She was formula fed and remained perfectly healthy.
You got your son this far. He is going to be just fine and have a great life with a great mom. His father is going to support you and his son. I know it's hard not to have these fears at this point. Premature birth and the NICU experience is something no one is prepared for. It sent me into a state of shock for a few days. It gives you severe mother guilt. But you are going to be strong for your son and he has a great mom that already loves him enough to be this worried about him. Just take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. As mothers, we fail from time to time all throughout our childrens lives, but we live and learn, and there is no such thing as a perfect mother. A pre-mature birth is not a failure and there is nothing you did to cause it and nothing you could've done to prevent it. Hang in there and take it one day at a time and I promise it will get easier!
I was also really sick for the first week after delivery. My BP wasn't well controlled, I lost vision for 4 days and it took 4 weeks to fully return, and I was in a lot of pain head and neck. I had a CT because the MDs were worried I'd had a strokeI didn't.
3 months later I now have almost 2 freezers full of milk. It was harder and took longer to come in, but it did. I took advantage of the lactation consultants in the NICU and ended up taking Fenugreek when I wasn't at the target production amount after 2 weeks. It really helped. The good news is that your Ds will take such a small amount of milk in the beginning that it will give your supply a chance to build.
Hang in there and take really good care of yourself. Lots of good thoughts for you and your Ds.
First of all- hugs to you!
and Congrats on the birth of you DS!
I am teary eyed reading your post b/c I remember exactly what those emotions felt like. They do lessen with time. There is nothing you could have done to change the situation. And the concern and care your already showing for your little guy are great examples of what a great mom you are already!
As far as pumping- I pumped, met with an LC and a doctor and my milk never came in. They're not sure why- they think maybe stress. It was something that I had to deal with also but my lo is almost 4 months old and doing great! Don't beat yourself up about it- there are things that we can't control.
Welcome to the board. The women here are amazing. Please feel free to ask any questions or just vent.
Congratulations on your son!!! My son is also named Ethan. I didn't really know it when I picked it, but the name Ethan means strong and my son has proven that his name issooo fitting for him after how much of a fighter he has been. I am sure your Ethan will be the same!
The feelings you are having are totally normal. As preemie moms, we can't help but feel guilty, scared, worried, angry, etc. You name it, we have all felt it. I know it is much easier said than done, but please try not to beat yourself up because there is nothing you could have done. Just try to focus on taking care of your recovery and being there for your son. I will keep Ethan in my thoughts! Best of luck xoxo
Being a preemie mom is no joke! It's the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. Your feelings will probably get worse before they get better, especially once you see your LO in the NICU. Listen to the advice of the previous posters - go easy on yourself. There's nothing you did that caused this.
My former 1 lb 3 oz preemie is now home with us, happy, healthy, and thriving. In just a few short months, this will all just be a bad memory for you too. Good luck and keep us posted!
I've found a good resource in the women here, both before I delivered and now. It's a good board.
This!
Congratulations on the birth of your son! As the other ladies have mentioned, we have all felt this. For me, it particularly happened in the very beginning. However, you have to keep reminding yourself that you did everything you could to give him the best chance at success in the NICU. I'm glad to hear that he's doing well, all things considered. Be sure to keep us posted (if you can) and feel free to ask us any questions (no matter how trivial it may seem). The ladies on this board were very helpful when I went on our NICU journey earlier this year and are still a great source of support.
Me: PCOS DH: Low everything (MFI)
Clomid with TI x 3 2010 BFN
Clomid+IUI+Ovidrel 2010 BFN
IVF w/ICSI #1 2011
9/8/11 Beta #1: 2082!! 9/19/11 Beta#2 34,689!! U/S 9/22/11 HR 127! 11/8/11 HR 150! 12/6/11 HR 136! 12/14/11 HR 139! Born at 26w2d on 2/4/2012! After 83 days in the NICU, Adalyn came home on 4/26/12!
FET 1 3/2013 BFN
FET 2 5/2013 BFN
We all can relate to you here, I may not post often but I can say that even just reading the posts by this great group of ladies helped me make it through the past 16 months.
BTW, does Ethan have EA/TEF? My DD ias a 29 weeker with EA/TEF. PM me if you would like