Natural Birth

c-section "guilt"

(also posted on my BMB and the c-section board)  

i am really struggling with my c-section "decision" right now. i know it was the best thing for Marian and myself both because of her heartrate dropping during labour/my blood pressure/entire lack of progressing/etc, but i am encountering some serious guilt being piled on me by those around me, as well as by myself. i went into this planning and training for a natural childbirth (Bradley Method) that would have been a homebirth if DH had not strongly disagreed. and having to have a CS almost makes me feel like i failed. 

add to this, i was told today by a woman "friend" (HA!) that there is no way i could bond with my baby as well as a mother who had a vaginal delivery because my body did not release the "love hormone" through this type of delivery and we would both be traumatized for life now. i know that has to be absolute bullsh!t, but it made this hormonal mama cry for a good hour straight. i love my baby so much, and i know i did the best thing for her health and for my own.

but even still, i'm really feeling low about this tonight. have any other of you post-section mamas felt this way, especially those who were emergent and unplanned? is this normal to feel this way? or am i just dealing with stupid people who need to be cut and throat-punched? 

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Marian Abigail :: born 9-16-2012 via emergency C/S
BFP on 11-14-2014, aiming for a VBAC

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Re: c-section "guilt"

  • First of all, your "friend" is a c.u.n.t. I am flabbergasted that she had the nerve to say that to you (let alone even feel that way.) Dump her as a friend, you don't need some one so toxic in your life. And remind her that it's not a competition FFS!

    And someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought that labor pains make your body secrete endorphins which include oxytocin (the hormone attached to love.) Therefore, you don't necessarily have to have a vaginal birth for you to already have the effects of the "love cocktail." Plus, other things like skin to skin and BFing increase bonding and the release of more love hormones, so a CS mom can absolutely feel the same amount of love (or more) for their child than someone who had a vaginal birth.

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  • What a terrible thing for her to say to you.  I agree with everything that PP said.  

    I'm sure you are a wonderful mother and love your baby just as much as any other mama out there. 

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  • Eek! Sorry that first part came off so angry sounding! Her comment just really struck a nerve, especially since you're still recovering (both physically and emotionally) from your surgery.  I'm sorry she said that to you and I hope you're able to find peace with your decision! GL mama and enjoy snuggling your sweetie:)
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  • As much as we prepare for what we want and try to remain in control of birth, birth is much, much bigger than all of us.  I think the guilt you are feeling is normal to go through since it's not what you planned, however, you have to find a way past that because, as you said, you really do believe you did what was best for all of you.

     

    It sounds like in your situation you had the option of doing the C-section, or possibly waiting a bit and maybe ending up in an emergency C-section situation.  A friend of mine who was an Army doctor said that if it comes to where a a C-section is recommended during labor, both mama and baby will generally be ok.  If it comes to an emergency C-section, you hope at least one of them will be ok.  No one can fault you at all for doing what you felt was the safest option.  C-sections are around for a reason, and while there are a lot of them performed unnecessarily, your situation does NOT fit into that category.  

     

    You need to lose these 'friends' that are being totally unsupportive and just plain ass mean.  Hold your baby, love her, and remember that you are both here, healthy and happy to love each other.  Your bond is no less strong because she wasn't birthed vaginally.

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  • I am very sorry to hear you are going through this! People need to learn to be supportive to someone who just had major abdominal surgery!

    If I could have words with your friend... Bonding with your baby is NOT a one-time chance that happens ONLY for women who have vaginal birth. If that were true, my mom would want nothing to do with my brother and my sister.

    I know it's hard when you had plans of birthing going one way and it happens in a different way, but you seem smart and reasonable and I'm positive that you made the best decisions you could have for your situation. Your baby is here now, and that's what counts. Good luck!

  • I had a pretty negative labor experience and ended up with a C/S.  I've definitely had negative feelings about it, especially because I truly believe that the interventions I agreed to were what led me down the road to my C/S, but what helps is just reminding myself that we're both here, we're both healthy, and thankfully neither of us has had any serious lasting effects from the C/S.  That doesn't mean I love my experience and that I don't mourn the experience I could have had, it's okay to feel like you missed out, I do feel like labor/birth experience is important, but the most important thing is that both of your are healthy and you made the best choice you could in the situation you were in.  ((hugs))

    And yes, you are dealing with stupid people who deserve to be throat punched.  I think sometimes people just don't realize the feelings that are attached to something like this.  At one point my mom made a comment about how I didn't really give birth to my baby (said in an offhand way, she was more joking than trying to be mean), but TBH it nearly made me cry.  I know she didn't mean anything by it, but it's just a very sensitive topic to me and something that not all people understand.  

    ETA: Just realized your LO is like a week old.  It will get better.  Allow yourself to work through your feelings and indulge in lots of baby snuggles, they help just about anything :)

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  • What you're feeling is absolutely normal.  And your friend is an idiot!
  • i have not had a c-section but my twin did, and even when necessary -  like yours - they are hard, really hard. give yourself permission to mourn... and know that by making such a tough call for the good of your daughter you are already proving what a great and loving mom you are.
  • I had a c/s with DD, so clearly I don't love her. How ridiculous does that sound? I love her more than life itself, it does not matter which 'exit' she took out of my body. Please do not let this awful person bring you down!! Remember the wise words of Eleanor Roosevelt: 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent'. Do not give your consent!!! I think it's time to remove this person from your life. Big creepy Internet hugs to you!
  • i'm going to be blunt: your "friend" is a **************. what she said was rude and completely out of line and she deserves to get kicked in the face. we all plan our birth the way we would like it, but most times it just doesn't end up that way. just because it didn't go as you planned it doesn't mean you love your child any less. if anything, you making this hard decision despite the fact that you wanted a natural birth, proves you'd do anything for the sake of your child. you did what you had to do given the circumstances. i think what you did was totally unselfish and it was the right thing for you and your baby. don't worry about that stupid woman and focus on your bundle of joy who is perfectly healthy and safe thanks to you!
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  • After my baby's perfect natural water birth, she got a 4 on her apgar and was taken to the NICU for suspected brain damage. While she was there my MIL told me I should have had a c/s (even though there was no reason during labor to indicate that I needed one).  It was pretty much the worst thing anyone has ever said to me for the blatant implication that I chose not to do what was best for my child and thereby hurt her. I would have rather died in labor than have her be injured!

    Thankfully LO is just fine and doing great 6 months later. I hope my story just makes you think about how there is no guaranteed right best decision about giving birth, you just made the best choice you could. Fortunately you and the baby came through just fine, and even still idiots around you make insensitive and critical judgments. Don't let anyone tell you that you don't love your baby or that you aren't making the best choices for her that you can.

  • I felt this way for awhile after my c/s.  I felt defective, like a failure, etc.  A lot of women have these feelings.  Even if you know your c/s was the right call, you can still wish that it had gone differently.  It doesn't mean you are crazy or ungrateful or don't love your baby.  It is OK to be angry or sad about your c/s.  What helped me most was talking to other women who were feeling the same way, and just giving myself time to feel upset about it so I could move on when I was ready.  I made peace with my c/s in time and I hope you will too.  GL.
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  • Dump this "friend." Seriously. What an awful thing to say to a new mom.  

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  • Dump this "friend."  And c.*.n.t is a good way to describe her.

    I had a home birth, and am planning another.  I hang around natural birth types all the time... and let me tell you, even as one of their own, they drive me batshitcrazy sometimes.

    Many women (not all - I obviously don't think I am this way) get into the home birth / natural birth thing because they are afraid of modern medicine and OBs.  When a woman needs a medical intervention, they need to tell themselves that they are different or better than that woman, or that she did something wrong, because frankly...they cannot handle the truth - which is that much of this stuff is simply random, and that what happened to you could have happened to anyone.

    Enjoy your new baby and congrats.  

    I wish I could bust this woman's face open for you. 

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