(another long) MIL vent - what would YOU do?
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My MIL can be overbearing at times. when my LO was born she told us that she would be taking a week off of work to be with him. we had to discuss with her (multiple times) that we appreciated this, but please don't expect to be here the very first week he was at home. she finally understood and came for week #2. during that week, she would come to our house at 1030am (after baking, sleeping in, or cleaning her house) and stay until 5. she cleaned our house the first day while I held my LO. Tues - Fri was same time schedule, but she would hold him, cooing and singing to him & at the first sign of fussiness she would say "I think he needs his mommy" or "he looks like he needs to eat." she didn't once realize he was fussy because his diaper was wet (in fact she changed her first diaper Friday when I said "oh he's wet again" after she handed him back to me, and then she offered to do it).
Fast forward to yesterday - my LO is 6 weeks old. I'm an RN and work 3 days a week (12 hr shifts) and I'm planning to be off until February. MH came home yesterday and said "oh my mom texted asking for dates - she's planning to take 2 weeks off after you go back to work to babysit him." I was floored. she's definitely not asking if that's ok, she's telling him that's what she plans to do. I had already told her we had made arrangements for his care once I return to work. I get that she loves him and wants to help, but how do I politely let her know we won't be going along with her new idea? #1 I work three days, so taking full 2 weeks isn't logical. when I first return to work, I can be sure that my days off I'll be wanting to spend all of my time with my LO, not passing him off. #2 she lives 30 min away - even during the very first week she never managed to get here before 10:30, and since then she has often called on the weekend telling us she plans to come see him, only to get "caught up" in trying out a new baking recipe, and never making it to our house. and #3 I just don't feel comfortable in her ability to handle a young baby for a full workday without help.
The last time she stopped by she pulled me aside and said "you need to keep your marriage strong and go away just the 2 of you." I very politely said "I appreciate that, and we can talk about that in the future, but I know it'll be awhile before I am ready to be away from him for that amount of time."
Side note - MH thinks she has undiagnosed bipolar or swears she has manic/depressive stretches and I agree. she gets stuck on an idea (i.e. baby-sitting alone) and suddenly can't talk about anything but that. for the entire week she was here, when she wasn't holding him she was looking at real estate & telling me she plans to move into our area (she's only 30min away right now).
How would you handle this? I get that I'm lucky she wants to be involved, but this is also about safety and feeling comfortable that my LO will be ok. how do you politely tell someone they can't babysit for 2 weeks? I feel like we could try to see how she does babysitting for shorter periods, but knowing her, if she gets it in her head she's going to do this, and we agree, there's no going back.
Re: (another long) MIL vent - what would YOU do?
thanks for the idea and alternative perspective. I guess I didnt do the best explaining my reasons for being concerned, but as said, sometimes this gets complicated.
Not having my MIL come the first week after my son was born was actually something we had to repeatedly make clear the entire month before his arrival - she would ask me directly about coming and I would clearly say "Yes, I would appreciate the help, but ANY other week besides the first week, is ok" and then a few days later she would text or call MH and say "so I'll be there the first week." And at first it confused him, like maybe I had said this was ok. But after we talked about this and she continued to look to him for the answer she wanted to hear, he too would clearly tell her "not the first week." I sometimes felt like this was her trying to "get her way" and test boundaries, as she does this with lots of things.
As for the diaper thing, I get what you're saying, but it really WASN'T occurring to her that his diaper was wet. When my mom stayed with me the week after, if I was out of the room or napping and my LO started fussing she would check and then say "it's his diaper, is it ok if I change it?" With my MIL, if I was out of the room or napping and she was holding him, I would wake up hearing him crying or walk in and find her trying to bounce him repeatedly and then once she'd see me she'd say "oh he wants his mommy." When it was just a wet diaper and she didn't once think to check it - all week long - I see that as not catching on. That week (he was 2 weeks old) I also got annoyed that when she was holding him and he was asleep she would wake him up "to play" and then tell me "well if you let him sleep all day, he won't sleep at night." I asked her repeatedly to please let him stay asleep, if he was sleeping, and she continually disregarded my request if I left the room. After a trip to our pedi office for something else, I finally phrased it as "the doctor said it's important to let him get his sleep" and she stopped. So if "the doctor" says something she's willing to listen? This obviously makes me nervous - I want to trust that the person watching my son when I go back to work will respect my requests as his parent. Maybe it's "please let him sleep" right now, maybe it's "please don't feed my kid food he's not supposed to have yet, just because you think it would make a cute picture" in a couple of months.
Not sure if that makes sense, but thanks for the input, I appreciate it.
I feel for you...my MIL is similar...but she's 5 minutes away. Just this week alone she's shown up unannounced twice...
She's being super obsessed with babysitting too. Every time she's here with me, DH, and LO, if he even makes a fussy face, she passes him right off to me like she has no clue what to do. DH and I had planned on going to the fair for a few hours since it's right down the road from us this past Wednesday, but I did not have enough pumped milk to go out, so I called MIL and she asked me if she could come baby sit anyway and just give him formula (she has been absolutely unsupportive of my breastfeeding because she cannot feed the baby)...
It's not like it's a big deal when she does these things, but when it's one thing after another of her not respecting you and not showing that she can take care of your LO it can definitely get frustrating.
Just try to keep calm, and I usually get DH to talk to her about things so that way she doesn't take it as personally...
All of my parents, inlaw, and sometimes DH have to be reminded by me to check and change diapers. It is simply just not on their radar, its drives me crazy!
I would tell her thanks but we have it covered but we would love to have you over on XXX day, see ya then.