I'm terrified

DivingIn · September 2012

Hi all. This is my first time posting. I'm pregnant and scared. I'm not sure what I'm looking for on an Internet message board, maybe a little support or words of how you did it.

I've always wanted to be a mom and I figured I'd take to pregnancy as easily as my mom did. My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage and kids for a year now. We've been together about two years and we've lived together the last year. A few months ago, we started having communication issues and fighting frequently and it would escalate into screaming matches. We both agreed we should try to maintain our relationship but move to separate homes to get some space. We've always really loved each other but the fighting was too much. As our one year lease was up, we started packing. He was going to find an apartment down the street and I was going to share a two bedroom with a friend. To add to the stress, I got laid off from my job of three years a couple of weeks ago. I work in IT so I think I'll be able to find another job soon but it might take some time.

My boyfriend has always been very loving and supportive. We found out I was pregnant literally a few days before we moved out. He went out and got me a pile of pregnancy tests, called our landlord and told her we were staying and then called his new landlord and let her know he needed to cancel his move, thankfully he hadn't signed anything. He and I are both thrilled and really excited and planning to get married sometime after the baby is born, we'd like to have a wedding in Hawaii.

Everything has been so crazy and stressful. From losing my job, putting notice on our apartment, getting ready to move and place distance between my boyfriend and I, and then finding out we're pregnant, all in a three week span, it's like life has taken a 180. BF really doesn't want me to work, his mom didn't work, and he has a good job where he could support us without me working. I'm 26 and he is 33 and hes always wanted a family too, it's a priority for him. I feel kind of useless not working, my mom was always the breadwinner at home. Another thing is my mom, she's not here, she lives on the other side of the country and I'm sure she'll be here for the birth but I wish she could be here with me. Neither my parents nor BFs parents have grand kids, this will be their first. I think my mom wishes she were here with me too. BFs mom is great and I'm glad she's here and we get along. I'm worried how they will take the news as they knew we were about to move out.

Oh man. Ive never been so sick. I can't keep anything down. I have my first dr appt on Monday, I'm estimating I'm 7 or 8 weeks. I'm going to talk to him about the nausea. I just feel overwhelmed and scared right now. I'm not ready but I am ready to dive in. Does that make sense? I keep watching the birth shows on TLC and they are totally freaking me out. I'm half convinced my baby will have a major problem or the pregnancy or delivery will be overwhelming or I'll have some other tragedy.

So yeah. That's how I feel. Terrified. Any advice is welcome.

DivingIn · September 2012

Oh you two are absolutely right, the value of a stay at home mom is enormous. Sorry for ruffling feathers and thank you for the support. I feel guilty I guess is th better word that I'm not working while pregnant. At the same time, I feel really run down but I am hoping it lets up after my first trimester.

I want to be a really good mom. I can't wait to experience all of pregnancy and child birth and bonding with my child. Everything just happened at once, but at least I get 7 or 8 months

jenny1980 · September 2012

ChristyPooP:
Sagen:
As a stay at home mom I find it offensive when people say they could never stay at home because they would feel useless.
Couldn't agree with that more. I raise my daughter, keep the house orderly, cook for and feed my family, shop for my family and I don't think that's something to sniff at.
But I think that if you want to work, then you should work. I don't think there's anything wrong with working moms as long as they're still being a mom and giving their children the love and attention that they need. It's a personal preference.
I really hope you feel better soon! It sounds like you've been on a real roller coaster, so I hope it slows down fast! I wish the VERY best of luck!

Just to point out the power of language, I will note that I work and also raise my daughter.

jeng329 · September 2012

I absolutely hate having to work. I'd give my right arm to be a stay at home mom, but it just is not possible right now for me. I get the luxury of being a stay at home mom in the summer I'm a teacher and my life is a thousand times better and more relaxed. I'm working on DH to see if I can take a year off with this one.

As far as you and BF go, I would suggest goig to counseling. It's great that's he's being so supportive and wonderful, but those it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk about those big fights. You don't want them to continue now or once baby is here and counseling can help you both learn to communicate better sothat doesn't happen.

pandabear12178 · September 2012

"I keep watching the birth shows on TLC and they are totally freaking me out. I'm half convinced my baby will have a major problem or the pregnancy or delivery will be overwhelming or I'll have some other tragedy."

You will be fine! I was supper stressed about delivery too but its not nearly as bad as you make it out to be. And I didnt even have an Epi. Also, My daughter was born with a brain malformation. Its a terrible thing, but you learn to accept whatever hand your given and it has even changed my life for the better. Stress is the last thing you need right now. Dont worry until theres a reason to worry.

Enjoy your pregnancy, its a beautiful things. The morning sickness will end soon and you will feel him/her kick and forget about all the icky things that come along with pregnancy. Good luck

ASmallWonder · September 2012

I'm just going to play devil's advocate here. If before finding out you were pregnant you and your BF felt your relationship needed work to the point of moving to separate places, a pregnancy will absolutely not help that situation. I sincerely hope that you're able to have the family you both want but I'm strongly of the opinion that people should not stay together "for the kids." I'm all for working really hard at relationships and not giving up easily but if you truly ever feel that you would have split up for serious reasons if you weren't pregnant, don't discount those feelings. Having a kid is tough and can put a major strain on the healthiest of relationships. Don't let the excitement of the pregnancy allow you both to lose site of why you were separating in the first place and keep up the work on improving those issues.

SaraSmile19 · September 2012

First off, congratulations! Secondly, for the sake of your unborn child pleeeeeeease try to work things out with the BF. The pregnancy will really test the limits of what sounds like a fragile relationship. Counseling will definitely help, as well as learning to communicate. Good luck to you!

srhcmt · September 2012

SaraSmile19:
First off, congratulations! Secondly, for the sake of your unborn child pleeeeeeease try to work things out with the BF. The pregnancy will really test the limits of what sounds like a fragile relationship. Counseling will definitely help, as well as learning to communicate. Good luck to you!

Yes

Mrs.DeliaMarieP · September 2012

1. Take a deep breath. Maybe two.

2. You have had a lot going on lately, and this is a TON to process all at once.

3. Try to focus on the fact that your BF seems to be tremendously supportive. and that is awesome!

4. Since you are not working right now, try to take this time to process all the changes, and get your apartment back in order. Once that is done, if you haven't adjusted to not working, and still feel as though you want to work, even if it's just part time for the sake of routine, start looking. I am not stay-at-home mom material, and would never be able to stay home full time, but part-time work is nice (I work 32 hours) because I have an extra day at home/week to keep my house in order, and spend with my son, but I still feel like I am contributing to our household otherwise by also bringing in some money.

Good luck, it sounds to me like even though there is a lot going on, you really do have a good situation regardless of the surprise pregnancy. It is all overwhelming, but at least you've got a good solid base to start with once you get used to the idea.

BoatsNHoes · September 2012

elmoali:
I'm just going to play devil's advocate here. If before finding out you were pregnant you and your BF felt your relationship needed work to the point of moving to separate places, a pregnancy will absolutely not help that situation. I sincerely hope that you're able to have the family you both want but I'm strongly of the opinion that people should not stay together "for the kids." I'm all for working really hard at relationships and not giving up easily but if you truly ever feel that you would have split up for serious reasons if you weren't pregnant, don't discount those feelings. Having a kid is tough and can put a major strain on the healthiest of relationships. Don't let the excitement of the pregnancy allow you both to lose site of why you were separating in the first place and keep up the work on improving those issues.

this. Pregnancy and a child is not a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship. I have a wonderful H and marriage and there's times when having a baby has rocked us to the core. If you relationship is worth saving, start rebuilding a firm foundation now because you will need it. Maybe counseling would benefit you both. GL I hope everything works out.

skoogirl · September 2012

I think that counselling sounds in order. You need to find a more constructive way to deal with your feelings than getting angry and yelling. My husband and I never fought before we had a baby and it has been really rough on us. I can't imagine if we were having trouble getting along before. Sleep deprivation plus money woes and a screaming baby can rock any relationship so if you want this to work out where you're one big happy family I definitely think you need to look into outside help with changing how you interact.

I like being a working mom and I feel like I am raising my son. I had to change jobs to get a more regular 40 hour work week and a shorter commute, but it has been well worth it. If you want to work hopefully you can communicate those feelings to your boyfriend and he can be understanding.

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