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Blended Families
Step-Parents: Will "One Day" Happen? Is It Really Worth It?
Inspired by some posts below and an animated discussion with DH this morning.
Step-parents have the hardest parts of the job when it comes to being a parent with very little of the reward that comes with raising a child (those sweet moments where they say "I love you" or flash their great smile at you or just the unconditional bond of love between parent-child). Do we generally agree on that?
We (step-parents) sometimes say that the difficult things we go through for the step-kids will one day be appreciated by them. We tell ourselves that how we help them do/learn x, y, or z (this could be anything - riding a bike, homework, manners, hygiene, etc.) will matter some day, and they will realize what we did out of love for them and their best interest.
Do you step-parents really believe that this happens and that day will come where your stepkids will really appreciate you and the things you did? If the day does come, do you believe all the struggle it took to get to that place will have been worth it?
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Re: Step-Parents: Will "One Day" Happen? Is It Really Worth It?
I do believe it. It is also really hard. BM sent the boys two old dirty baseball hats. They were so excited that she thought of them. I provide all of their food and clothes. I don't get that level of excitement ever.
I know DH really appreciates his stepfather now that I am a SM.
I think my boys appreciate the stability and consistency that I put in their lives. I don't know if I will ever get the unconditional love their mother unjustly has but its OK. I think/hope that they know that I chose to love and care for them.
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011
TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
Beta #1 BFP! 97
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Beta #3 4937
ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12
Team PINK!!
As a SM, I would love to know that "one day" will happen. Do I believe it does automatically for everyone, no.
But as a stepdaughter, my first SM (not the current one) did teach me a lot, and she definitely shaped who I've become. I think often about what she gave me, and I'm appreciative. I haven't seen or spoken to her since I was 12, so I guess I never got the chance to say thanks, but the thoughts are with me.
I hope so. I hope to see "One Day" in who they become in the future. I hope they take some of the morals and guidance we are trying to instill in them and bring it to their future lives and homes.
Like Jen, I don't think most kids grow up to "appreciate" their parents. I know that I still love my parents but I don't necessarily "appreciate" them feeding me and clothing me as it was their job.
I know that I am doing my job as a parent to them correctly because my DD and my SKs treat me the same because I treat them the same. We are 7+ years in to my relationship with them. That's not to say that someday I won't get told that I'm not their mom (because so far that has never happened) but I feel confident that it will only be the same "teenage" angst talking that would be no different than my DD or DS saying "I hate you" which all kids say at some point.
So I feel that even though parenting in general is a rewarding yet thankless job, even stepparenting can be almost as rewarding.
My goal is to raise a successful adult. If I can do that I will never need any thanks from SS.
I honestly just try to parent him the same way I parent DS and DD. Will they ever "appreciate" me? Or will they just always know that mom loves them and tried to raise them the best I could?
There's a good chance this is going to get me flamed, but I'm kind of laughing here.
DH and I have our fingers crossed that "one day"--like maybe when our kids are parents themselves--they might have a modicum of appreciation for what we did for them. But I have zero expectation of any appreciation between now and then. I mean think about it, do you regularly thank your parents for making you brush your teeth, taking you to ballet, or pushing you to do well in school?
Being a parent is the hardest and least rewarding thing I've ever done. EVER. And I (usually) adore my children with every cell in my body. So I can easily imagine it is even less rewarding for a stepparent. But I don't think the gap between parent and stepparent is necessarily huge.
In the last couple paragraphs of your OP, you could take out every "step-parent" and replace it with "parent" and it's all still completely valid.
So, yes, I think if you have some expectation of future gratitude, you will likely be disappointed.
As for being a SM and one day being appreciated for my role, eh, I don't know. What I do hope for is that SS realizes I have always had his best interest at heart and that all I want for him is to be the best person he can be. I don't expect the level of gratitude that I have for my own parents, but I hope that he is able to accept our relationship for what it is, and appreciate that.
I agree with Mary. I am very grateful for everything my parents did. I have told them several times. I have both a SM and a SD. I married a man just like my SD because in my older years he was more of a "dad" and my dad was more of the disney dad. I honestly didn't appreciate my SM until I became one and I tell her all the time that I don't know how she did it because my sister and I were in our teenage years when they got married and we never heard no from my dad. I have great appreciation for all 4 parents. They worked hard, together, to raise my sister (and my step siblings) to be productive, caring, honest people. My mom was the most selfless of all of them and now that I'm an adult I can see that and do a lot to show her now how much that meant to me.
As for "one day" with my SD, I hope it happens but I'm not sure it will. She will thank me now for cooking her dinner or buying her new shoes but it's usually forced because DH makes her. I can only hope that once she starts getting older she realizes that I did all these things because I love her and want to do things for her and not because we are trying to "one up" BM like she tells SD.
As for the "one day" moment... I kind of already have it, not just with my kids but with K as well. My kids already recognize and express appreciation for what my husband and I do compared to everything their father DOESN'T do. K has already made comments regarding things my husband and I do/provide for her that her mother doesn't. Even if the kids grow up and don't vocally express their appreciation for what my husband and I have done as stepparents, we know they have already recognized our efforts and that's good enough for us.
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My has not had that "one day" moment with her father at 23. My SS is THE MOST unappreciative, self-centered, selfish, lazy 17 yo I have ever met, so at this point, nothing will get through to him.
Honestly, I just want them to stop expecting/demanding monetary things from us. Saying thank you is too far out of our reach.
****Last Thursday, we finally (as in 3 months later) got our house hold goods. SS knew it was coming. SS was told to have his room emptied (as in deflate his air mattress and put his clothes, borrowed tv, etc into his closet) so it would be open for the movers. He was told there woudl be consequences of loosing his brand new TV (we bought for him right before we packed - he never got to open it) for a week if he could not comply.
Guess who's room was not cleaned up?
In the middle of our entire house's worth of stuff being brought in, SS calls for a ride to be picked up. We tell him we can't (and we cant because we have to track the items to ensure that they are not damaged by the unloading packers so we can claim any damanges on the packing packers).
We get a screaming fit from SS. Because HE HAS NEEDS TOO.
And guess how fun the temper tantrum was when he wasnt allowed to hook up his tv?
We have to punish the 17 yo like he was 9. I doubt that in the next 3-5-10 years he is ever going to have that "aha" moment because he still acts like a middle schooler.
Oh...and you should have seen how he reacted when we told him no food in his room. Even after we showed him the pictures of the moldy food/cups that he has HIDDEN in his old room. Yeah.....
Yes, I believe that day will come. But I don't think that its any different than any kid, step/adopted or whatever. My SS's apprieciate me at the capacity they can as 7 and 9 year olds...and the same goes for thier dad as well. As I did with my parents I expect that the "aha" moment of true realization of what we as parents did for them won't take place until adulthood.
Am I scared that all my emotions, time and energy can one day be thrown aside because I'm simply not thier mom? Absolutely. Its a real fear of mine. My step-sister has done exactly that with my mom recently. I know it breaks my moms heart and it does mine too. It could happen to me as well. And that sucks.
So is it worth it? You bet! I love these guys like they were mine. I can't imagine feeling or treating my own child any differently than I do them. No, I'll likely never be seen in thier eyes as they do BM. But thats ok.....we are too different people and honestly I don't want to be viewed the same. I just want them to grow up and be suscessful, compassionate adults that also have some common sense. lol.
Agreed, especially to the bold.
Honestly, whether or not "one day" comes for the SM depends on the child. I have a good friend whose SM is absolutely amazing and her BM was pretty crappy, but that friend still does not appreciate her SM. It's pathetic and it's so hard for me to listen to her complain and say negative things about her SM.
Do I believe it can happen? Yes.
In my situation? No. Not in a million billion years. Because my step kids were not taught to appreciate anyone in their lives.
Yes, I wholeheartedly believe it will happen someday. It's tough to put a ton of effort and care into raising children (2 SDs) who already have a (super lame) BM, but over the past 4 years I have bonded with the girls tremendously.
A few weeks after DH and I got married, older SD said "i really look forward to getting married someday to someone that I love very much" and it made my heart swell up. BM is (and probably will be) single forever and from what I hear, used to bring some unsavory dudes into her life. Little by little, I see the impact that our marriage has on these girls and the stability it brings to their lives, even if only for 2 weekends a month.
Even if the girls never outwardly appreciate me for everything I've done, I'll be happy if I can see what a positive impact i've had on them. Pops and I just want to guide them in the right direction and learn to be independent, responsible people (unlike .... well .... you know where i'm going with this. no respect for the wench, at all).